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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY      Home login  
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 katie13
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 1
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDYPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I have read many forums similar to this but now I can really say I know how they all felt.
My question is how did you go on....It has been a month now and it seems like yesterday....
What hurts the most is for the week prior all his kids were at the house except me. They tell me they did not plan it it just happened. If i had been there it would have been a family reunion which had not happened in 25 yrs.
My Daddy was rushed to the hospital at 11am for a burst aorta anuism but i didnt get a call until 4:30 so by the time I got on a plane and arrived it was 9pm and he was out of surgery but on life support. I did go and see him and I just hope he knew i was there , c During the next 6 hours Daddy went in for a second surgery to try and stop the bleeding, but his blood would not clog ....so Mama had to make a big disicision and all of kids (5 of us) all new Daddy did not want to be on life support and it was in his will...but it was still hard. I realize my Daddy had a great life..he was 79, raised 5 kids, had one grandchild...and all his kids are doing ok.....but i miss him soo...i could ramble on and on but i wont...i just need support and help on to how i can take that next step of acceptance
Anything will be helpful at this point Thanks to all that has read this
I LOVE YOU DADDY
 Megaladonfishy
Joined: 5/7/2008
Msg: 2
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 4:42:55 PM
[I did go and see him and I just hope he knew i was there...I LOVE YOU DADDY ]
I believe that says everything you need........ the rest , well, time will help some, you never exactly stop missing family and loved ones
 LeeAnne51
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 3
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 4:48:28 PM
Not sure if this will help or not, i lost my sister last year she was on life support for 3 weeks until she came off of it, she knew every time i was there , everything i said to her when i was there by her side,even when she was in a coma or so she says , we talked about a lot of things before her time to go, she chose later when she was getting bad again not to be placed back on it, im sure your father knew you were at his side and felt every bit of your love just like my sister did...I wasnt by her side when she passed , she chose to have the doctors not tell me when she was close to the end , her last wish was that I did not see her go, but i think thats part of the healing and closing, good luck in your healing process...I feel everything your going thru...
 Rogue71
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 4
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 4:50:36 PM
Write him letter, tell him everything you wish you could have, tie it to a balloon and let it go. Or you can burn it and watch the smoke lift up in the air.
 indehills
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 5
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:04:09 PM

I realize my Daddy had a great life..he was 79

It just takes time. My dad died 3 years ago, and he was only 52 and I was 32. All you can really do is try to keep yourself together, because it will get better.
 acrzyduck2
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 6
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:04:11 PM
Katie, I know it hard and time does help some, I just want you to know that your dad knew you where there and I am sure your persent help to get him to move to the next life, he with the angles now and will drop in on you time from timewatch for the little things the smell andsound that were your dad it does help or at least it help me, when I was told of this. I wish you with gods speed healing of pain that goes with the loss of love ones
 ranger58
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 7
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:05:40 PM
Katie ,
I lost my father when I was 15 I am now 50. I can say there are days now that go by that I don't miss him... you never quite get over that empty feeling...... and I always missed that I didn't have my father there to rely on...... I lost my father in a house fire so he went quickly and was only 38.... I never said goodbye to him.... many people never get this chance... but you say good by as if he were there and listening ..tell him all the things you love and miss about him... and then let him go on living in your heart and mind.... my father will never age...... and will always be with me..... he often gives me strength when I think I have none left..... he left me the legacy of not wanting to disappoint... so I pull myself up when I would rather not... because I am my father daughter.... I will survive.
 AnglFlynToCloseToGround
Joined: 4/16/2008
Msg: 8
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:06:11 PM
I am sorry for your loss ... It is a hard thing to go threw and in time you will see that you have nothing to feel guilty about when you werent there ...
I lost my mum 4 1/2 yrs ago and she was everything to me ... I dont normaly talk about this but your post makes feel I should .. I talk to my mum almost every day and I tell her I love her and miss her ... Sometimes I think she is here and she hears me ... I held mums hand all night a couple of nights before she died ... When she died there was a snow storm and I wasnt there cause she was at my sisters house and it was kinda far away ... It was so very hard cause I lived her for 41 yrs and not to be there when she died realy realy hurt ... I know that she knows I love her ...
I do believe that ppl can still hear you or know your there when you are in a coma ... I say this cause I held a man's hand while he was dying and on life support and I realy felt he was there and gone and then there and gone like he was in the room waiting for his body to die and then he would leave and return ... towards the end when his heart was stoping I felt his pain yet afterwards I felt a peace in the room and him leave for what ever is after this life ...


AnglFlyn
 meeshcake
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 9
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:09:45 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mom in 2004 and I know devestating it is. I was fortunate, I was able to say goodbye before she lost the ability to respond, but my brother and sister were not there in time. They agonized over that and still say how much they wished they could have said goodbye.

All I can say is that I believe they aren't truly gone, they are just gone from this phsyical life. If what I believe is true, he knew you were there and he knows still how much you love and miss him.

How do you go on? You just do. It will hurt for a long time, but eventually you'll be able to remember the good things and smile instead of cry. It just takes time.
 fginkc
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 10
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:17:37 PM
I've been told by doctors and nurses that believe people can still hear, even if they are in comas. If that is the case, then your Dad knew you were there and he heard your voice. He heard your goodbye.

Now that your Dad is gone, live the way he would have you live. Do you think he would want you to greive forever over losing him, or do you think he would have you go on without him and live a happy, fulfillng life?

When my father was killed in Vietnam, it destroyed my mom and my family. My family couldn't seem to get past his death. When I went to Washington DC for the dedication of the Vietnam Veterans Womens Memorial, I met some nurses and heard a speach by a Army nurse, who wrote a book called Home by Morning. She gave excellent advice to survivors. She said,

Honor your father by living your life to the fullest.
 Ravishing Renee
Joined: 1/22/2007
Msg: 11
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:18:17 PM
Katie ,
I lost my father when I was 15 I am now 50. I can say there are days now that go by that I don't miss him... you never quite get over that empty feeling...... and I always missed that I didn't have my father there to rely on...... I lost my father in a house fire so he went quickly and was only 38.... I never said goodbye to him.... many people never get this chance... but you say good by as if he were there and listening ..tell him all the things you love and miss about him... and then let him go on living in your heart and mind.... my father will never age...... and will always be with me..... he often gives me strength when I think I have none left..... he left me the legacy of not wanting to disappoint... so I pull myself up when I would rather not... because I am my fathers daughter.... I will survive.
 corsetsme
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 12
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:35:39 PM
katie...my friend....what I realize from just reading your post is that you have a wonderful heart....so I am sure your dad knew that as well...he was and is proud of that...when i lost my dad i lost the only mom/dad i had... it was horrible...but time helps....and as far as i know time is the only help....trust me when i say that one day you will be able to think of your dad and actually smile...it is one baby step at a time until your heart feels less like its breaking.
 Straight Christian Lady
Joined: 6/14/2007
Msg: 13
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:38:08 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad too, last November, to cancer.

HUGZ ......
There's no way to hurry the grief process. In fact I'm really just beginning it; the acute sadness and drop-a-hankie tears may be less frequent or intense, but be prepared for an overall loss of interest in most things you enjoyed.
I find myself wanting to avoid being around people unless there's no demand other than just to 'be'. I don't want to take on anything new, and I'm content to watch the same shows over and over again, rerun movies, loop tunes, etc .. it's like this constant fog I wear like a scarf.

My Mom was relieved to learn that her scatterbrained, apathetic clumsiness was a completely normal part of her bereavement. She was getting worried.

I know this will lift in time. Just don't put pressure on yourself to 'get over it' or 'move on' ... that's not for anybody else to decide for you. Of course, if you have younger people whose needs force you to keep attentive it can be a greater challenge, but DO take off time whenever you can, and if it helps, write down everything you feel in a journal. Otherwise allow the transition its own speed and nature. Depression is to be expected. If it interferes to any alarming extent ~ e.g. you begin to feel hopeless and perhaps remotely inclined towards harm ~ that's when an outside pro might be required, but for the most part this is the way YOU have to experience YOUR grieving, in your own time and space.

Here's another HUG .. I know this is still not 'real'. I know.
God bless,
Classified
 belissima
Joined: 2/18/2006
Msg: 14
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:38:14 PM
Katie...

I am sorry for your loss, I lost my father in 1999.I miss him still.What helped me was to remember how he loved me and how much I loved him and instead of dwelling on the sadness of losing him, I began to remember the happy times, it was easier.
Also it helped me knowing that he would not want me to be unhappy and to carry that pain inside. So knowing that , I got better .
I believe there is a certain amount of grief we must go through but it is our missing that person that causes it .We never lose the love.
 Hisvryown
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 15
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:44:59 PM
We just buried my dad this past Tuesday. He was 76. First he had a heart attack, was fine...then a week later he had a stroke that left his left side paralyzed. Talking was difficult but he made his amends with me and it was truly the most precious time I've had with him since we were kids. You see, he has been remarried for the past 20 years. This woman had the legal proxy so when dad went without oxygen 3 days after his stroke the battle began. She decided almost immediately that he wouldn't want to live like that and proceeded to only allow his 4 kids short visits for the next week and a half. She told my sister to come home from the West Coast (we're in the east) for the funeral. She told his kids that she was pulling the plug at midnight but really did it at 10 am on the determined day. Thankfully the nurses were kind to us and let us know the truth. So, out of respect that she was his wife, I waited an hour to come to the hospital at 11. I needed to be in the waiting room and call my out of state Aunt and Sister (she wasn't here yet) what time he had passed. I sat there with my son sometimes crying sometimes ok until the social workers came out. They said his wife had sent him because I was having a tough time with her decision. I said oh no, I just wanted to be nearby and my Aunt and Sister asked me to be there so that a family member could let them know when my dad was gone. Finally at 5 p.m. her son talked her into leaving for dinner so they allowed my son and I to sit with him for two hours. The nurse walked in and was amazed. We asked what? She said he has both of his eyes open. He hasn't done that all day with his wife here. He couldn't let us know in any other real way but we are sure he knew we were there! Even Friday (He passed that night at 3 a.m.) when he was still hanging in there and my sister and I were allowed to see him again (as long as we left at 3 not 3:05!) he actually said "hi" when I greeted him. The only word we heard from him since he was without oxygen for 7 minutes!!!!
My point is.....that even though we weren't allowed into his room more than about an hour a day, we felt the need to be near by. (Dad's wife went so far as to try and get us thrown out of the hospital and this resulted in all the staff, nurses, supervisors, hospital police to be so so compassionate toward us. )
I describe it that either he was "hovering" before actually leaving this earth and he could see us or since hearing was the last thing to go, he was sure to hear from his wife's irate son and the nurses that we were still nearby!!! If that's all we could do then we are sure he knew we loved him.
And KATIE, that is the best gift you could have given your dad. With my whole heart..being someone who JUST lived this....HE KNEW YOU WERE THERE AND KNEW THAT YOU LOVED HIM..I am so very sure of this!!!!!
 Hisvryown
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 16
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:48:47 PM
I just buried my dad last week. This is such an encouraging word....Live like he would want you to....thanks!
 katie13
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 17
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:56:15 PM
Wow thank you all for everything you have said. I know when i got there and went to talk to him. I held his hand and told him i was there and i swear i saw his swollen eyes flinch meaning he heard me. What a great idea about writing a letter and letting in go in a balloon or burning it. Well he was cremated and that sounds like something i will think about. I was there all the way until the end i could not be in the room when they took him off support. but i knew when it happened because i had a big chill go thru my body. What I didn t mention was my mother , bless her heart they have been married for 59 yrs and she just completed her 2 x around with cancer and my dad was by her side when we almost lost her and she now feels she wasnt there for him....but she knows what happened to him was almost instance death and the drs told us he would be on life support for the rest of his life.
Again i thank you all for reading my thoughts and sharing your past (i am sorry for your loses)
katie
 gigi7
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 18
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 5:56:55 PM
In the 30 years since my Dad died I have never put anything into words let alone a website. My Dad was not the Mr. Cleaver or even the Archie Bunker but he was mine and I loved him to the moon and over. I never knew that Dad's take their kids to sporting events, or taught them how to ride a bike, or even told you that you looked nice for picture day at school. But to me, my Dad was the most important person in my childhood life. He did love me to the extent that he knew how to and I wish to this day that we could still play a game of crib, salute to O Canada, acknowledge Mario Lanza with respect and dignity, watch the Dirty Dozen another dozen times, spend Friday nite fright nites with my Dad making the best fritters this side of Britain, helped him through the bad times both received and given but never stopped making that man my Idol. I'm much older now, realize the many things a father would never let his children go through, but I thank God that I never knew any better when I was a young child. It didn't matter when Daddy came home, what state he was in, or whether he even acknowledged I was there - I was just so relieved that he was safe. I'd go to bed not worrying, until the next day. I am now older than my Dad was when he died, and I just think about all the things he missed and how much he truly was loved. This may sound sappy and I accept any feedback. I am not looking for sympathy, I think it's something I just had to do. I am my fathers daughter to some extent and damn proud of it!
 Bobbe Magge
Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 19
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:03:49 PM
From a Native American Friend. This is how we do it in my culture.

You will always be able to talk with him but you can only do so with respect and love. Go to the water's edge be it the ocean, a lake, a pond or the stream flowing through the woods (my personal favorite). Take tobacco with you. Get very still and serene. He will come to you. When you feel the presence, sprinkle your tobacco on the water and say whatever your heart tells you. He will hear youa dn you will hear him. Have no expectations ut stay open in love. You will also know when it's time to leave.

As a side note, you can go back to that place anytime you want but go alone except perhaps with close family members who know respect.

go in peace... Bobbe ( coyote dana)
 Fluke Slywalker
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 20
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:05:48 PM
Katie 13, you’re going to find that there are a whole lot of people who share your situation and the same kind of grief and pain. Going on is something we do because we have to. It takes some of us longer and some of us suffer more than others, but it doesn’t have to be devastating. It takes the support of those around us to help us through the grieving period. It takes understanding that loved ones pass on from this life but not from our hearts.

I was 31 when my dad passed away. He was 59, a year older than I am now. I had been working nearly day and night for a long time and didn’t get to visit him when he went into the hospital as often as I needed to. I got a call at work from my brother and he said simply, dad died. It hit me then. I was overcome with all the things I hadn’t said, all the things I hadn’t taken the time to do and share with my father. I carried that “guilt” and pain for a long time. I was like most people and thought my parents would live forever. I got past that pain but it took me a long time to forgive myself. I think of him daily.

My wife was a hospice nurse for the those from newborns to the elderly. I learned from her that those still with us even in a comma are aware of us, aware of how we feel. I learned that when released, those of us who pass on can be with us from time to time. They can let us know they are there in subtle ways. This is from personal experience. Just think of your loved ones often, be receptive to those little signs that they are near you at times. It can be comforting.
 ExEastCoaster1975
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 21
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:14:55 PM
First off, I'm sorry for all of your loses, BUT

I lost MY dad to cancer when I was only 10. I never got to know him as an adult, or talk to him man-to-man.

Think about that, and then realize how VERY fortunate your were.
 sw-af
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 22
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:19:11 PM
My Daddy passed away 2 yrs ago in Nov. He was 56. My mom was staying with me because of the bad weather, so she found him a day and a half after he died. He had a massive heart attack. I didn't get to say goodbye to my daddy either. I didn't even know he was sick. It was a surprize to the entire family. I understand your pain, but I'm sure your Dad knew how much you loved him reguardless of whether he knew you were there or not. Like all of the others that have replied to your post, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my Daddy. He was such a huge part of my life and very loving and supportive of me. It took about a month or two before I stopped crying every day. But time truly heals. I am still saddened, as I am now, but as days and months and years go, by life moves on. What helps me the most is the thought that my Dad helped make me the person I am today. I know he is watching me, and I know that eventhough I cannot physically have a conversation with him, I can still talk to him anytime I want. This is how I said goodbye. I hope my testimony can be helpful. I'm so sorry for your loss.
 joclyn33
Joined: 6/21/2007
Msg: 23
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:23:42 PM
Katie katie,,,, My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family and what you are going through, this brings so many emotions to the surface for me,,, I was in your shoes, I was flying over the Atlantic to be at his bedside and three hours prior to me arriving he passed, in hindsight think it was just his way of saving me the pain of seeing him pass~ katie time does heal although you think it will never ever!! Your memories will become clearer and more vivid as the days pass and they will bring a smile to your face as you recall them, just give it time!!

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it ... Dad
 decentandsexy
Joined: 11/30/2006
Msg: 24
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I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:24:44 PM
Sorry about your lose aa well.I had a son that past away. he was born on christmas eve.Every year that he is gone i do go out and let off a balloon where he is bureid at.It helps me knowing that he is not suffering any more and is in a better place
 Shadylady1311
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 25
I Didnt get to say goodbye to my DADDY
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:24:49 PM
Boy....Unexpected Tears...I was with my Dad, in 2000, when he passed on to his next home..
To Katie, and others....I"m so very sorry, for you're pain..It is, one of the most, crushing, realities of life. Don't feel bad, if you cry...thats a "pressure-valve." You are expected, and PLEASE use it, as needed..And, just wait, till you pick up the phone to call them?????.....Hum.....Really "long-distance."
Katie, there is a bond, in all familys...you're Daddy, felt you're "presence", and heard you're voice. I would bet, he would not want you to "grieve", for too long...He loves you more than that, you know. He would want you to remember, all the good times, and, in time you will. Its a process, thats not the same for everyone, but, darn close.

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