| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:16:06 PM | | Sometimes when a date has gone really well, we have gone out near my place, and I get walked home, I sometimes think of inviting him up for a cup of tea if I trust him with knowing where I live (and I trust him in general). I'm quite comfortable with people coming over for tea, and my place is nicer to sit in than most of the cafe's around the area. But do you always make certain assumptions when you are invited up to a woman's place after a date? Will he assume I'm trying to get him up there so that we can get physical? Can men conceive that I might just want to actually have tea and chat? Or does "want to come up for a cup of tea" automatically get translated in his head "want to make out/****?" I've actually had a guy say yes and be all positive, and then when we got up there, I went to go make the tea, he didn't even want one. LOL. Some guys must go in without making assumptions, right? | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:29:32 PM | You will have a hard time gettting a man going at your place...after a date that went well asking him to not make any assumption... just for a cup of tea..
If you really just want to actually have a cup of tea and chat, why dont you just tell him before. Make it clear.
It wont stop him to make assumptions anyway hehe.. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:32:57 PM | That usually means you are interested in getting physical.
It does not have to mean that, though that is the most common perception. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:56:13 PM |
Will he assume I'm trying to get him up there so that we can get physical?
Yes...
Can men conceive that I might just want to actually have tea and chat?
Yes...but not when the offer is made at the end of a great date. And it doesn't matter if it is the woman asking the man, or the man asking the woman if they want to "come up for a drink"...both sexes will generally assume it is an invitation to physical intimacy.
Now...if maybe you where to START the date with a cup of tea, that would have a lower chance of misinterpretation by the other party. How you ask is also important.
"Would you like to come up for some tea?" = invite to physical intimacy
"I'm going to have some tea on the veranda, your welcome to join me if you like"...notice a difference in the delivery? If you give a Hollywood line, expect the Hollywood assumptions...they are pre-programmed. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:02:06 PM | In your situation I'd wait for several dates until inviting someone for tea.
We guys are hardwired into thinking that an invitation into a girl's house after a date equals sex. And we have reasons to believe it's true. It's happened millions of times. Otherwise we would know different.
A better (and healthier) way for you to suggest a cup of tea would be to go out with your man several times, so you know you feel comfortable with him. When you feel ready to get physical you can suggest going to your place for a cup of tea. Even when you might approach the situation as merely a friendly encounter (as far as he's concerned anyway), by dating him several times you might as well be willing to get physical without feeling awkward.
Another option would be stating loud and clear that is "only" a cup of tea. Most of us will understand and comply with that. You shouldn't be worried in disappointing anyone with that. If they do, they don't deserve you.
Good luck and happy dating | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:09:10 PM | Well to quote the words of George Costanza... coffee ISN'T coffee, coffee is SEX! LOL  | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:13:53 PM | | Hehe, but I don't offer "coffee"! I offer a cup of tea. Doesn't tea sound more innocent than coming up for coffee? You know, like a little girl's tea party... Anyhow, what I was trying to get at is not whether he sees it as an opportunity to get physical or not, but whether he thinks that's MY motivation/intention. | |
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| Pink Alien Coming to Instanbul for a cup of Yorkshire tea and buttered scones?
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:16:51 PM | 
When I saw the thread first, for some odd reason I expected to find a discussion about men who like to take a break from giving oral with a cup of tea.
Guess I must be hardwired into thinking that coming up is the thing you do after going down for a while.
love and peace
hug someone new today 
regards from 316, defender of the faith, the weak and giver of directions to misplaced phone sanitizers
oh the real topic. yeah I guess half of men would assume you meant sex was on the menu, a quarter of men would hope that was what you meant but would be polite and the other quarter would blush at the thought of your improper suggestion and make their excuse to go home to mum.
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:27:30 PM | Well I don't drink tea.
But if I'm asked up for coffee...
I presume the girl is interested.
and being the guy, I'll try to keep her interested and have fun with it.
But I don't assume that she wants sex.
cus sometimes tea is just...
tea. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:31:36 PM | Some guys must go in without making assumptions, right?
That statement is so adorable that I had to look at your profile because I assumed you were about 20. At 35 you should have a better idea of what men are hoping for when you invite them to a private location. I can tell you now, it's not, "Ooooh, I really hope she has Earl Grey." | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:56:33 PM | Hoping for some action is fine. I expect that. I just honestly don't necessarily mean I want action when I invite someone in, that's all. I'm not necessarily opposed to it. But it's not like when I suggest tea, I have it clearly in mind that I want it to go there. Really. (If I know I want it to go there, I'll invite them to share a bottle of red wine with me, and we can make an evening of it.  ).
I guess I kind of thought that SOME guys wouldn't assume that's where I was trying to lead it. I knew that some would. And I didn't in the OP say that it was necessarily first dates. I actually mean anytime in the beginning of dating someone.
Thanks everyone for your posts. It's made me think twice about asking men over. ..
By the way, I've never had any unpleasant experiences from this. Was just wondering if people were over-interpreting my premeditation about it and thought I planned it all out. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 4:02:36 PM | Honeybeeeeee
While not every single men out there will "assume" anything out of the blue, you're certainly pushing things over the edge inviting a guy to the privacy of your place, especially when you just had a date. A friend wouldn't assume anything if you invite him over for some tea (unless of course he's got sexual desire for you which, on a reasonable basis, might be true as well) but asking a date to come up certainly means something.
I guess I kind of thought that SOME guys wouldn't assume that's where I was trying to lead it
If I give you a red rose in a date, would you assume I'm just being friendly? | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 4:29:22 PM | I love this thread. I am a tea girl, not a coffee one, so I can totally relate.
Useful feedback. Keep it coming. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 7:38:07 PM | | This one is funny. It doesn't matter if you're offering coffee, tea, pop, a great view or anything else. It's gentlemen start your engines at that point. Unless it's the scene in "The Breakup" where Aniston is only showing the guy the piece of art in her and Vince's place. Apparently viewing art actually meant viewing art in that instance. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 7:48:38 PM | This thread made me smile and laugh
I love the way that sounds, "Want to come up for a cup of tea?" :)
Guys, your responses are hilarious!!! Nonetheless, I do like that question of "cup of tea." | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 8:24:02 PM |
"Ooooh, I really hope she has Earl Grey."
But Earl Grey is the tea of champions! CHAMPIONS!!!
I don't really like tea. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 8:32:43 PM | so it's tea not T n' A?
OT, ok seriously I can't be the only one, but after a great/good date and someone says "hey, do you want to come up for tea/coffee/drink/, I'm sorry but I just see it as a reason to hang out longer.
She likes me............she really really likes me.......
Dear God, the blood does flow to OTHER parts of my body! | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/9/2008 9:04:28 PM | | when invited in for a nightcap (after the date) to the guest, it would only be polite to accept what is offered -and not to take any more, unless its being served by the host. -whether it be coffee, tea, shot of tequila or...hmmm | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/10/2008 12:03:54 AM |
Hehe, but I don't offer "coffee"! I offer a cup of tea. Doesn't tea sound more innocent than coming up for coffee? You know, like a little girl's tea party... Anyhow, what I was trying to get at is not whether he sees it as an opportunity to get physical or not, but whether he thinks that's MY motivation/intention.
Honeybeeeeee, let me explain something to you about guys. To us, coffee means sex. To us, tea means sex. To us, "Hi, how are you doing?" means sex.
Hope I cleared that up. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/10/2008 1:54:56 AM | | The only thing the guy heard was "do you want to come to my place". The tea part was irrelavant. You could have asked him to come over and help you shave your blind hamster, he would have said yes because he heard "do you want to come to my place". This doesn't mean that all men will behave this way, just most of em. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/10/2008 7:02:44 AM | | Seriously I think it depends on what kind of date you are talking about. Considering the way women and men treat each other to get what they want nowadays any guy in his right mind would be apprehensive about going over a women place that he barely knows. I wouldn't even after the possible third date. Because I'd like to know whether she has a temper or not and how she handles not getting her way all the time. When women accuse guys of taking advantage of them it can be disasterous to them. That is another reason I have a no sex before marriage policy. Because if she is going to accuse me of having an unwanted sexual encounter it is going to court as a spousal claim. So a kiss is about as far as it is going with me. But I don't think a lil drink after a nice date would be a bad thing. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/10/2008 7:17:51 AM | | You can get a tea anywhere, but when you invite somebody back to your place, it definitely means that you want to take it up a notch. Whatever that means depends on the people involved. | |
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| Coming up for a cup of tea?
Posted: 9/10/2008 8:13:50 AM | | you have to date men who have the same mentallity as you and this will not happen. | |
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