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 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 1
What if you were warned?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I've asked myself this question a million times.... what if someone had warned me about "him" before I'd fallen for him?

In reality I know I would have walked away from him. Strangers don't usually warn you about someone and put themselves out there unless there is some basis to what they're saying. It's different if they are hiding and you don't know who they are.

After my last boyfriend and I broke up, countless women came forward to tell me they wish they had warned me. His ex wife, women he'd met on here, friends of his, and more. I was so overwhelmed by all the horrible things they told me, and it was all true. Why didn't they tell me sooner? It would have saved me money, heartache, and my pride.

Well, it's hard to put yourself out there and get involved because it makes you look like the bitter ex. The only time I've ever done it is if some guy I knew to be a dog was hitting on an unsuspecting woman at a bar or club. And it's usually me and all my friends with me who are saying the same things about the guy.

A while ago, I found out that the guy I saw until January had a new girlfriend (I'll call her #3). After the way he played me and others, my friends all said I should do the right thing and warn her. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay out of it and say nothing. I talked to the woman he cheated on me with (I'll call her #2)... the woman he loves, but she didn't love him (they broke up in June I believe). #2 told me he came to her house a couple weeks ago and tried to give her his new phone number and wanted her back. #2 told him she had a boyfriend and didn't want it. She asked him if he loved #3 (which is what he's trying to make #3 believe) and he said "I don't know... I'm just going with it." Since then he text messaged #2's friend to ask her to give his phone number to #2.

A friend of mine reminded me of how devistated I had been by this man and what he'd done. He conned me out of money and tried to get me to sell my house, sell him my car for pennies, cheated and humiliated me, and a lot more. My friend said, "Remember how it felt after the fact when all those women came forward to tell you they wish they had warned you?" She made me feel guilty about saying nothing. So, I did... I told #3 his MO... explained what he's done and what he will do. She didn't believe me and I fell under attack from her and him.

His new girlfriend will find out soon enough what he's doing. He does the same exact thing with every woman he gets involved with. He's looking for someone with some potential for his future... maybe a home she can sell so "she" will have money for the things she wants... mainly a car, camper, sled, etc... for him. He always said he would have those things again someday. He only saw his daughter 2 hours a week and never went on fire calls, but now he's using both to try and impress #3 and her daughter... just like he did with #2. It's all the same thing... and then when he has what he wants, he moves onto the next victim.

All of my friends are keeping quiet about this, and the women he did this to are staying out of it as well. I said what I said and now I'm done, but I have to say, I do feel better knowing at least I tried to spare another woman from all the things he did to me.

But, I'm curious how many of you would really heed a warning if you were crazy about someone? I know there was a time when I probably wouldn't have, but I've come to learn where there's smoke, there is fire.

Sharzi
 capricorn40
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 2
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 10:43:12 AM

A friend of mine reminded me of how devistated I had been by this man and what he'd done. He conned me out of money and tried to get me to sell my house, sell him my car for pennies, cheated and humiliated me, and a lot more.


Hmm.
And where was your "inner voice" when this was happening?
Did you REALLY need someone give you the "heads up" while this was happening?
Or were they so many red flag you didn't see because of the rose-tinted glasses?
 sienna99
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 3
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 10:44:45 AM
I would question the "warners" motives and make up my own mind.

At the end of the day we are all here on this earth to learn lessons. We get warned about things all our lives but we have to learn our own lessons, not other peoples.
I think there would be a lot of virgins walking around if they heeded everyones warnings about all sorts. Dodgy men, sleeping around, not waiting long enough etc etc, but how many would regret their actions?
It sounds to me you had your warnings (he didnt just shit on you the once did he? he did a few things to you that werent nice) but you didnt listen to them. And if your not gonna listen to your own warnings why the hell would you listen to anyone elses?

Which brings me back to my original statement. I also question your motives. I sense some bitterness from you. Leave her to it and let her live her life and make her own mistakes. And learn from your own.
 scintillation1
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 4
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 10:56:31 AM
Nope. I doubt I would believe what other people say. I would perhaps bear it in mind and keep my eyes open.

When I started dating my ex-husband I was warned by his ex that he wouldn't because he couldn't be faithful. I took it with a pinch of salt, because coming from an ex it just sounds bitter and they have their own motives.

Sorry to be offensive here, but from what I can read, you weren't seeing this guy anymore when he met #3. It really wasn't your place to "inform" her of his past behaviour.

I would let it go, and leave them to it.
 *~Krysteene~*
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 5
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:02:23 AM

Strangers don't usually warn you about someone and put themselves out there unless there is some basis to what they're saying.


Ohno!! That never happens.

Have you not heard the expression "Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned."? Of course, the limits of scorn are different from person to person. It could be a simple rejection to all-out cheating, swindling, deception, using, manipulation, etc...

So, it depends on each person's basis. What is unforgiveable to one, might not be for someone else.

Pay attention to the forums and you'll see countless threads naming/warning others of "POFer # 7653", but how do you know anything they say is true?

Krys
 Closing Shop
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 6
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:02:25 AM

He conned me out of money and tried to get me to sell my house, sell him my car for pennies, cheated and humiliated me, and a lot more.


It sucks what happened to you but there's a difference between stealing your money and conning you for it- the con requires you to be a willing participant. It sucks for you but all you can really do it try to be smarter about men in the future and encourage other women to do the same. And, as I'm sure you learned, be sure to keep your finances completely separate from a man until you're married.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 7
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History
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:02:50 AM
I fell head over heels once for a woman who was treating me like sh*t. Two of my friends told me she was treating me like sh*t. I *knew* she was treating me like sh*t. I stayed with her anyway. It was like a fatal attraction. It had to get really bad before I left.

People warn people all the time and it usually doesn't do any good.

You had *plenty* of warning signs that you ignored. He tried to get money from you. Isn't that warning enough?

In my dance circle, women will ask about a guy's reputation from women they trust. And we warn each other about sleazeballs. But in the end, it's up to you to pay attention. If you aren't paying attention to the warning signs yourself, no information from someone else is going to make that much difference.
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 8
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:06:54 AM
I wasn't seeing the signs because I was too busy believing all his plausible explanations... which I'm sure he's doing with his new gf as well.

The whole point of my post was not about me, it was about being warned, and would everyone pay heed to a warning, or believe the excuses?

Sharzi
 SteveinHP
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 9
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History
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:06:59 AM
I totally disowned a few of my so called friends during my divorce...They knew she out whoring around on me, but they would come over, drink my beers, eat my BBQ, but did not have enough respect to let me know what she was up to....the can all kiss my****....

I would have really liked being warned...
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 10
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:10:28 AM
sienna99 said....

>>> It sounds to me you had your warnings (he didnt just shit on you the once did he? he did a few things to you that werent nice) but you didnt listen to them. And if your not gonna listen to your own warnings why the hell would you listen to anyone elses?
<<<

He actually didn't do anything really awful to me until the very end, and the moment I found out, I broke it off. But, he had been taking money supposedly in return for doing work on my house... which he never did. It's a long story, but that wasn't the reason for my post.

Had others warned me, I would never have gotten involved. I have a feeling though, that most people would move forward with or without a warning.

Sharzi
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 11
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:13:09 AM
scintillation1...

No, I wasn't with him anymore. But when I saw that he was starting a business and looking for investors, saw that she was in love with him... it made me remember how much I wanted to help him too and forked out my money. When I found out he was still going after one of his ex's and then my friends made me feel guilty for not warning her, I did it. Now I realize it won't make any difference, but I am hoping she keeps her eyes and ears opened. I would hate to see anyone else hurt like myself and others were.

Sharzi
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 12
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:14:59 AM
krysteene wrote:

>>>Pay attention to the forums and you'll see countless threads naming/warning others of "POFer # 7653", but how do you know anything they say is true? <<<

I don't know, I would tend to believe it, and if I didn't, I'd at least keep it in the back of my mind and question things if I saw any signs of what someone was warning me of.

Sharzi
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 13
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What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:15:07 AM
A friend of mine reminded me of how devistated I had been by this man and what he'd done. He conned me out of money and tried to get me to sell my house, sell him my car for pennies, cheated and humiliated me, and a lot more. My friend said, "Remember how it felt after the fact when all those women came forward to tell you they wish they had warned you?" She made me feel guilty about saying nothing. So, I did... I told #3 his MO... explained what he's done and what he will do. She didn't believe me and I fell under attack from her and him.


All this above, most women would have gotten away from a man who attempted any one of these things. Really, it's not that hard to see how fake this man was, you didn't want to see and so telling you anything against him would just make you like #3 is now, you would have joined forces with him because you wanted him to be what you were pretending he was, you were never looking at him with your eyes open. Ninety-nine percent of the time, only a certain type of person will end up with a man like this, it's in you, it's how you treat yourself and allow others to treat you, and that's what you need to work on. What him and this new delusional woman are doing is not what should be on your mind, forget him and all the bad things he did, that's his stuff. You need to look at why you dated him and how you can be better prepared next time to not get in a situation like you were in, that will take lots of work on your part. Stop wasting your time blaming him for what he did and start taking responsibility for what you allowed and did, otherwise you will keep finding yourself in this type of relationship.

You keep saying this is about would warning help or not, but really it's about that fact that you ignored plenty of signs, since the man is a con artist there had to be signs flashing bright red from the beginning, it all comes down to you and what you are willing to believe and deny. It's a bitter pill, but until you take responsibility for allowing him in your life, it's going to happen again. The posters are just trying to help you see that so you can quit obsessing about him and his evil deeds and do work on yourself. In other words, we are warning you....are you listening?
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 14
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:18:01 AM
steveinop wrote....

>>>>> I totally disowned a few of my so called friends during my divorce...They knew she out whoring around on me, but they would come over, drink my beers, eat my BBQ, but did not have enough respect to let me know what she was up to....the can all kiss my****....

I would have really liked being warned... <<<<<

I totally agree. At least you've have the option of either checking things out, or allowing it to go on. I want to know. I deserve to know.

Sharzi
 Chocolatebrowne
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 15
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:20:11 AM
I am one of those "really weird" (and I understand, "in the minority") individuals where if I am warned that something is hot, I damn sure don't stick my hand in the fire just to see................
 Closing Shop
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 16
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:21:06 AM

I don't know, I would tend to believe it, and if I didn't, I'd at least keep it in the back of my mind and question things if I saw any signs of what someone was warning me of.


You should ALWAYS keep your eyes open for signs. So to answer your question, someone's warning probably wouldn't make me pay attention to those red flags any more than I already do.
 Pink2U
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 17
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:24:15 AM
You had *plenty* of warning signs that you ignored. He tried to get money from you. Isn't that warning enough?
Well Well I seem to agree with ^OP What if you were warned Hmmmmm? If you were gulible enough to be conned I'm sure he would have persuaded you in his favor that others were not telling you the truth.
My question is This man was not your Husband had only brief time with him.
What the hell were you thinking, yes it sucks but as mentioned before a lesson learned "I Hope".
Karma is a **** so channel your energies to the right place and maybe this #3 will take him for a ride of his life.

Please woman take note to another woman that has lost her dignity.
We are the most powerful creatures of this planet and yet some still have not grasped the reality that life is too short for the dumb shit.
Walk when it's wrong there are Plenty of Fish out here. Happy Reeling
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 18
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:34:10 AM
daynadaze wrote:

>>>You need to look at why you dated him and how you can be better prepared next time to not get in a situation like you were in, that will take lots of work on your part. Stop wasting your time blaming him for what he did and start taking responsibility for what you allowed and did, otherwise you will keep finding yourself in this type of relationship. <<<

I really don't want to take any responsibility for the very gifted con man he is. But I will try to tell you what transpired...

Very early into the relationship he told me he had fallen in love with me. I resisted that because I do believe trust has to be earned. But he began the con.... stopped talking to any other women, was being helpful to me, talking to me all the time, wanting to see me all the time, was thoughtful, sweet, charming and caring. He confided in me and trusted me. He was proud to be seen with me and made it known to everyone... anywhere we went.. that he was in love with me and had never been so in love. We both liked karoake and he would dedicate songs to me... even announcing to everyone that he was madly in love with me.

We were very caring toward one another and everything seemed perfect. Then the woman he has always loved was suddenly free again and she contacted him... and he went for it. The last week we were together, he was cheating. I found out, and broke it off.

He is still in love with her, and if she were to call him tomorrow and tell him she wanted him back, he would dump this new one so fast her head with spin. But, he's still playing the game. He is doing exactly the same with this woman that he did with me and others, when all along, he loves only one person.

Yes, I fell victim to his charming ways. I did a lot for him, tried to help him because I thought he was being so helpful to me because he loved me. But he has a saying he lives by....

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

And that's what he does. He can't have her, so he will settle for anyone else who has something that could benefit him. He says all the time, he wants back the things he lost. He used to have a mustang... camper... sled, etc. He is bound and determined to have them back and is using women to try and get them. I was too smart to sell my home or car to get him what he wanted. I saw the signs, but not until the end. And, even though I loved him with all my heart and soul, I was strong enough that day to end the relationship because I knew I deserved better.

I didn't let him take advantage of me... as soon as I found out he was, he was gone. I would not have forgiven him or believed anything coming from his mouth from that moment on. But, had I been warned, I wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place.

Sharzi
 capricorn40
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 19
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:40:10 AM

I totally disowned a few of my so called friends during my divorce...They knew she out whoring around on me, but they would come over, drink my beers, eat my BBQ, but did not have enough respect to let me know what she was up to....the can all kiss my****....

I would have really liked being warned...


Dude, that is soooooo messed up.
If a friend was seeing someone a girl who's was messing around on him, yeah, I'd say something. However, I think the OP is in a different situation.
I'm not sure being an EX warrant warning the next woman. That can be seen as being scorn and spiteful.
I know, because it happened to me. I was trying to date a woman and an Ex told this woman I was married (wasn't even dating anyone).
 SteveinHP
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 20
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History
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:44:19 AM
I know my situation is different, but I was voicing the opinion that yes, it would be nice to have been warned, with a story as to why
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:47:42 AM
Maybe I am a little more suspicious than most people but the minute a BF or any friend started giving me sob stories and asking for money I'd bolt. When I make a mistake in judgement I question me NOT the person I misjudged.
But that guy needs to get his ass kicked.
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 22
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What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:01:42 PM
I'm pretty darn intuitive so I doubt anyone would need to tell me too much, but if they chose to and they weren't, like, in the midst of a hissy fit and acting insane, I'd probably listen; I love a good story! But I always do my own detective work and my own thinking...that way I can't blame anyone.
 the_write_stuff
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 23
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:08:33 PM
I was warned about my ex, whom I met on plenty of fish, by many people, including members of her own family. There were countless other red flags and warning signs but I chose to ignore everything and plunge right into a relationship because I thought I loved her. When fooled by the heart and looking through rose colored glasses, as another poster so eloquently put it, I don't think there is any amount of advice or well intended warnings that would cause someone to act differently in that moment. Hindsight is 20/20 and heartache is the best teacher even if such a lesson is learned the hard way.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
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What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:09:02 PM
Warnings don't really carry any weight unless the person getting the warning chooses to actually hear it and heed it. Every day these forums are filled with threads from men and women railing about inconsiderate, jealous, rude, insecure, unfaithful, lying, or just plain
no-good BFs and GFs, and "what am I supposed to do, I still love her/him?" kinds of questions. And after a few pages of often sage advice from POF people suggesting they cut that person from their life, the OP comes back on and says, "I talked to him/her last night, and we are going to work it all out."

Look, we've all been there at one time or another. Hell, a few people (not strangers) tried to warn me about the mistake I was making with my now ex-wife. I listened, but I didn't really hear, and I went on about my business, marrying a woman who was a basket of neuroses, and I paid for it dearly, both financially and emotionally. It wasn't the fault of the people who warned me, or even of the people who didn't. The blame rests squarely at my feet, for not seeing something that was obvious, had I only looked.
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 25
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:48:31 PM
carolann0308....

He never asked for money. I knew they were shutting off his gas and electric, etc... it was winter and I didn't want him freezing to death. We made an agreement... I would help him and in return he would work on my house. Never saw the money... he was too busy spending it on someone else.

I guess I'm very naive. I was married a very long time and I had no idea how unscrupulous people were "out there." I've sure had a rude awakening. It doesn't feel very good at all. I don't think I will ever get over being treated so badly when I didn't deserve that. So, I naively thought if I warned someone, I'd spare her the same.

Looks like the consensus of opinion is to keep quiet and just let someone get what they have coming to them if they're naive enough to let it happen. Hmm... I don't know, that seems skewed to me. Instead of blaming the victim, shouldn't we be blaming the one who is responsible? It's like telling a rape victim she is at fault because she was wearing something revealing. At least it seems that way to me.

When did we stop holding someone responsible for their bad behavior? If I treated someone very badly, I would expect to be called out for it. Maybe it's just me being old fashioned?


Sharzi
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