| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:46:19 PM | I'm curious as to how many people would consider this. Committing to a life time partner for companionship knowing that this is a person you could never love enough to let them control you or control your emotions.
The idea is to have the same thing with someone who you would be compatiable with, but not be soo "attached" if things were to not work out for some reason.
I know several on here say they do not believe in "LOVE". I ask those people to respond also as to whether they would still commit to a person for the companionship. Think of your best friend of the opposite sex or same sex if it applies. Although you may never have romantic/loving emotions for them, but you "get along" on all other levels, such as friendship, trust, fun, laughter, conversation. Could it work out. Could you commit to that person for raising a family together, for companionship, and basically everything except love and make it last?
I am thinking that this may cut down a little bit on the broken hearts. If you never fell inlove with them, and it didn't work, then you may not be as "hurt" otherwish.
SO WOULD YOU CONSIDER "PLAYING IT SAFE"?
I'm anxious to hear!! | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:54:43 PM | My ex husband had the attitude that he who cares the least is the one in charge. After 9 yrs of his bs, and doing what ever he felt like, simply because I was not all that significant to him, I divorced him.
He thought of it as playing it safe, however the kids involved were the ones who got hurt, and seen how hurtful it is to not give all that is deserved to their partner.
Love is risk, living life is risk, having children is risk, working is risk, stepping outside your door is risk. If we are always trying to play it safe, there would not be much reason to get out of bed each morning.
I think a good portion of marriages these days fall apart simply because on partner thought they could handle being in a relationship where they weren't actually in love with the person. Who wants to have sexual relations with someone that really doesn't have any loving feelings for us. It doesn't work, I know first hand. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:06:02 PM | No ..... I have never been in a relationship that I did not like - REALLY LIKE being there.
Also in my case - I have to strongly desire her. Desire her in a man/woman fashion.
I would also have to have a strong sense of ................. long long lasting.
So far - I have never became un-attracted to a female that I was attracted to. My relationships have also been much longer than average.
I would rather continue being alone and ....... I am pretty dang alone in the world. I work from a home office and seldom see anyone.
Playing it safe ...... really safe is remaining alone. Remaining alone would be better than in a “settled for” relationship. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:10:18 PM | That's sort of what my marriage was based on. He was 1 yr divorced and I was 1 yr out of an 8 yr relationship with my sons dad. Yes, there was attraction and we cared for each other, but being in love? We had talked about it just before we split and both agreed, at the time we both needed the emotional stability and companionship. Although his feelings did run deeper than mine, it was like something unspoken that we just assumed the feelings would grow over time since we seemed so compatible. I remember him saying to me one night while we were out with friends (we were not dating at the time) that if we were both still single in a year we should just marry each other. That's exactly what happened.
Needless to say, the only thing that grew on both parts was resentment. Although I will never regret it because we have an amazing daughter. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:13:15 PM | | This seems to me somewhat contradictory; to committ to be with someone for life, yet without necessarily invoking some sort of bond or connection with someone. I just don't think it would be possible to spend your life freely with someone (whether a friend or spouse) if you have absolutely no connection with them at some level. As for control, no one who respected themself would want to be in a sitation where they were controlled or tried to constantly control another person to prevent them from exercising their freedom. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:28:14 PM |
what happens when you meet someone who does rock your world?
I would think that you wouldn't put yourself in the position to let someone "rock your world" If you had made a mutual agreement/commitment to this person. Same as being married. Married people see people who may turn their heads, but if they are faithful, then they don't put themselves in a position to be tempted.
Nexthyme: I can see how your relationship was similar to this, but the difference would be that you were both in "agreement" not pretending/lying to one another. Just being committed to providing a good life to each other and the children. I'm not sure how the children would be more hurt here, than if mommy loved daddy, daddy cheated and crushed mommy and they divorced.
Sassy: Did you actually participate in a relationship such as this? Where you were committed to it and not inlove with him?
Margo: I agree that healing is always needed. You have to heal in order to move on at any rate. As many have said though. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Is falling inlove not insane if you have done it a few times and always ended with hurt?
ron9 said
Playing it safe ...... really safe is remaining alone. Remaining alone would be better than in a “settled for” relationship.
Ron curious as to if you want companionship, not sure how your life is as far as wanting kids/family or someone just to be able to depend on being there for you when you grow old. I do agree that really safe would be remaining alone, but it seems maybe the next best thing would be such agreement. Its on step up the ladder though.
Needless to say, the only thing that grew on both parts was resentment.
I assume the resentment was easier to deal with than a heartbreak would have been. What ended the relationship, if you dont mind me asking?
Thank you all for your views. I still haven't seen one person who would be willing to participate in such an arrangement. hmmmmmmm looks like its cut and dry.
In addition, I do think you would have to be somewhat attracted to the person. Most people are friends with people whom they can relate to and also find them somewhat attractive I think. I have never been friends with someone whom I was repulsed by visually when I looked at them, but thats just me. Maybe some have. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:38:57 PM | troubleahoy: You may be right, it could be that this type of relationship would be impossible.. You may, through depending on each other for so much, end up in LOVE.. hmmmmmmmm interesting..
Still in the cold heart of the forumers (lol)... no takers.. imagine that.. wow
I am very interested in this. I read time and time again how much people despise the opposite sex due to heartbreak. These people are here because they are indeed lonely, but still no one willing to say they would settle for less than love. I'm intriged by that.
Who knows one could pop up. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:47:05 PM | "I assume the resentment was easier to deal with than a heartbreak would have been. What ended the relationship, if you dont mind me asking?"
I don't mind you asking, worse I can do is say no. I'm an open book lol
First, so nobody flames me and says we should have tried to work it out or give it more time, we did try, even took a second honeymoon to Niagra Falls. Had a romantic room on the 20th floor over looking the falls, dined at some very nice restaurants, even had them deliver breakfast in bed each day. Nothing worked.
Realized when we got home, there were absolutely no feelings left, even the friendship aspect was almost gone. There were things on both parts that are a little personal that added to the resentment over the years.
Most nights I'd fall asleep on the sofa just so I wouldn't have to sleep next to him. He knew it and would laugh when he woke me up in the morning "What, didn't want to have sex again" It just turned into a very cold relationship that I felt was not a good example for the kids, let alone fair for either of us to live like that.
I finally had enough one day and told him I was going to move out with my kids and he could stay in the house with his son. He said no, he would leave and ended up moving out of state to take a job.
But we did manage to stick it out for 13 yrs, longer than some marriages last with people that are deeply in love when they get married. I'm not saying we never cared or even has some type of love for each other because we did in the beginning, just not in love like we should have been to get married. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:54:36 PM | Playing it safe never got me anywhere but misery... I lost cause of it.. and lost a part of me when I let it happen. Being with someone for the rest of my life but never loving them? I could never really despise the opposite sex for their mistakes or even my own.
Being with someone for the rest of my life but never loving them? Would be very difficult to do. Im trying to imagine myself with someone or someone with me that really didn't care about me or me about her and think how horrible it would feel for me and her. I would think on the positive that somewhere down the road some type of real affection or bond would be established and kind of grow on each other. Love isn't instant it just doesn't happen right away . Time , trials and tribulations and the obstacles is what blocks people from love, most just don't give it a chance, others just don't care.
Of course there are lonely people , but who isn't when their single ? Everyone is looking for someone , cause it's human... noone should be alone even the ones who say they don't want anyone , when they are lying to themselves. Settling anything for less than love? Don't know about that but love comes with time.. not 3 months of being together as so many couples I see say the words but then 6 months later are miserable. But that's enough of my rant... | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:13:28 AM | Ok, I will say this just for the record. Those of you who have seen my posts, know that I do believe in love 100% and could pretty much gather from them that I would not do such a thing either. As I sit though and read how so many are bitter and hurt, and yes I too have been there, they are still lonely, still wanting companionship. Some of these people seem to have been hurt past healing I believe. Now miracles do happen, but from what I have read on previous posts, some are so angry that I can't see them ever giving Love a fair chance.
With that being said, what would be wrong if 2 people, who both felt the same way, agreed upon such a thing? These people may be able to atleast find a BIT of happiness and stability in thier lives rather than jumping from one to another, feeling NOTHING. I guess those people are not going to respond to the post. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:23:35 AM | Don't get me wrong in thinking I don't believe in love, because I do. I have been in love and know what an amazing feeling it is, it just didn't work out with that person. At this point in my life I do know that I will never settle for less again. That is the reason I am not dating now.
I could never be a "serial dater" or someone that dates several different people at a time, that's just not me. I need to make sure that when I do decide to be with someone again, it is for the right reasons and not simply because I am lonely.
Then again, I could meet Mr Fabulous at the mall tomorrow, who knows :) | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:32:59 AM | | Noone's ever past the healing stage all it takes is a true person to change their life around and turn it upside down. If I'm reading your question right.. I'm trying to answer it to the best of my ability here so if I'm wrong just tell me.... If these 2 people who went thru life and had bad experiences with others and one day meet and talked about what each other went thru and know that really the possibility of love would be out of the question for either of them but they continue to stay loyal to each other , I would have to say yes love would eventually come into the picture and stability would also happen also. The 2 broken hearts meet as strangers , become friends, something grows between them. Yes I would say that scenario would likely happen if those people feel that eventually. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:34:10 AM |
WARMBRANDIE: would be wrong if 2 people, who both felt the same way, agreed upon such a thing? These people may be able to at least find a BIT of happiness and stability in thier lives rather than jumping from one to another, feeling NOTHING. I guess those people are not going to respond to the post.
No it wouldn't be wrong FOR THEM. Heartbreak is not for the weak of heart. People settle for less everyday to avoid it, and to avoid loneliness. We all make our choices. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:37:42 AM | OP
Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Yes, if I were nearing the time in which I could no longer give birth. If I have not found Love by the time I am that age then I probably will not find it or maybe I do not even know what Love is.
I want to have a family and I want children. If I do not find Love by the time I am 35 and if I know a guy that has everything I desire in a man but for some reason I do not have that romantic spark, well, I would marry him if he Loved me. If I can not find someone to Love I at least want to find someone that Loves me.
Would I tell a guy that I "settled" for him? I do not think so. I figure why not make him happy and tell him I Love him? If you can not be with the one you Love then Love the one you are with, as the song goes. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:42:11 AM | You AND the horse you rode in on (not you, OP.... The one who comes my way who thinks this is acceptable)
I'm not going to use or be used for security. The kind of people who endorse this are the ones who think it better to have anyone than to have no one at all, and who will leave you lying in a pile of your own schit and sores in a nursing home while they do what's best for them. I just got disentangled from one of those- someone made the point that the kids suffer, and I regret that my daughter is rowing the boat through that particular cesspool with my ex for the moment...
I realize that I am much better off now, and in the distant future, with no one at all, as opposed to living my life with someone so shallow as to service herself before acknowledging the needs of her children, parents and spouse.
I will have custody of my daughter before much longer, and I expect my ex will die lonely and sore in her own filth, as that is the way she has raised her first two daughters. If you who read this could witness the exchange her family has(actually, doesn't have)that is fraught with ridicule and demeaning hurt toward one another... Disrespect is a way of life, and a sign of strength with these chameleon dysfunctionals....
I am trying to reconcile to myself how I ever got into this, and have learned and realized a great deal...
Never, fookin' ever... Will I stand for this kind of crap again in my life, nor will I ever endorse any union that isn't based on love and acceptance. I didn't grow up that way, have learned that I can't improve a situation that doesn't desire to rise above, and will never again lie in the roadway when I know that inevitably, a bus will come along.
It is an empty shell of stupidity when people do this, and while I can see falling into it inadvertently with someone incapable of loving- wherein you learn of their dysfunction after the fact and as part of your own personal education, I cannot fathom that people would enter into such a bleak emotional landscape without knowing there was no jungle of love in sight...
-damoN- | |
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