| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/15/2008 3:28:10 PM | I dont want to get in a long story,but I wonder how really effective is NC when you dont hear from the ex
I held fast with NC,after he dumped me for someone else, tried the friendzone thing when all it did was give him permission was to toss me breadcrumbs when he did keep in contact . Example, he'd ignore me on myspace even though he wanted me to sign up; whenever he's online which bothered me,so i dont even check his profile dont want to know whats going on.
Also onwhats been plaguing me is i never replied to an email he sent where all he did was insult me as well as blatantly rejecting me,everyone-friends, even Clergy members, told me not to reply and ignore,but still i kick myself for not having the satisfaction and closure of telling him off.
so here i am trying to meet new people,make friends, ( I do have a couple of acquaintances) but it seems though i'm the one whose doing the reaching out to people ,and nothing seems to follow through which can be fustrating
Crazy thing is,I constantly compare myself to him ,wondring,how come it was so easy for him to meet someone and move on and since i havent heard from him my perception is he's probablyhaving a great time.
Many people tell me I dont know that he is having greal ole time and it shouldnt matter.
i'm very outgoing person,and if there are events happening I would attend when i get a chance.
I am in this small college town which not much happens,i'm from a bigger city in the Midwest,I feel I had much better chances meeting people because of diversity and is more progressive city.
Athough i'm graduating this semester and I should only concentrate on school but thats not enough for me.
Point is,I am starting to believe that maybe I shouldve taken whatever breadcrumbs of frienship he did want to offer,but i thought i deserve better,and he surely was not treating me as a friend, they say friends dont disrespect another friends.
So I am wondring was it better too stay friends and get his scraps of attention knowinng full well he isnt interested. Maybe something,bits of LC was better than nothing,not sure.
I'd also like anyone's opinion of what would it look like appear if I did break NC while he never made an attempt to contact me. Part of me says i've made it this far other part still feels discourage in lack of meeting someone new as fast as he did.
Any ones suggestions,or experiences and opinions on on is or what would you do,gladly appreciate it! | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:17:51 PM | | Honestly if he doesn't have the sense to be able to remain friends then he doesn't deserve to be friends with you anyway. I do think it was worth the effort because i am a firm believer in friendship after dating. Also dont let him finding someone new so fast be a downer for you either because that shows that he wasn't really applying himself to finding a special person, it was just him taking what came first. More than likely that will just become another future breakup. As far as meeting new people in a small town, it can be tough I am staying in a pretty small area. You said you're going to school there...maybe start by talking to some people you have classes with, join study groups, and hey...GO TO PARTIES!!! Just grab life by the horns and make the best of it (without neglecting your studies). If you get out there and enjoy yourself the friends will come naturally, and so will that next lucky guy! | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/17/2008 11:14:49 AM | What would you want for a friend who was experiencing this same situation? .. not, what would you settle for ..
Also, would YOU behave as this guy has? If not, howcome it's okay for him to treat you this way, and why would you think you should accept it?
I'm sure you're not that desperate for approval ... are you? | |
|
| |
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/17/2008 7:47:07 PM | So we all know what qualities a good friendship has, communication, dedication, honesty, support, love, companionship, and of course people must spend some sort of time together to keep friendship. Please ask yourself if this so called reconciled friendship would include any of those qualities? If the answer is no then you have nothing but a dream! Besides that you have and most likely still have feelings for this man who has clearly communicated both in words and physical actions that he is living his life with someone else. You deserve to be the princess, the queen, high on a pedalstool and you will be that to some man someday if you let go of this creep!
My experience: I was with and eventually lived with a man who cheated and yes eventually left me for someone else. I was devestated! I thought I was his world like he was mine but it turned out that wasn't so, I was sharing my world with other women! Anyway he left saying he "needed time because he was confused". He left, I cried! I called his phone, um no I blew up his phone, sent him emails, drove by his work just hoping to talk to him and plead with him. (God I hate admitting this) He didnt call or respond! I pestered my friends "will he call me?". Weeks went by and never heard from him. Then saw him at a bar with one of his women and had an ugly confrontation. For some reason it hit me what a piece of sh!t he was and how stupid I had been. I stopped calling, stopped stalking, stopped emailing and moved on. Months went by and he finally called. Turns out it didn't work out with his other "friend" and he supposidly missed me and wanted me back. By this time I was way over him and told him to where to go and to never call me again. Last I heard he got married and divorced 3 months afterward. I suppose that some things in life, including people never change. As for me I went on to meet someone very special who would never dream of doing those things to me.
My point in telling you all that is that, especially with men, when you don't retain your dignity and show them you have self worth they dont respect you! I was just some annoying girl blowing up his phone and crying over his pathetic personhood. They view you as someone to use, someone who is, well lets just say not worthy of bread crumbs.
However you need to understand that truely having self worth means realizing that no matter what, when a person does harm to you or is not good for you, you have to move on without that person. I also wanted to point out that just as in my story, that life takes care of itself. It's a carma thing! I truely believe that while your ex thinks he might be happy people like this loose their happiness very quickly because it's not geniune. Their messed up inside (and probably outside as well). I don't think they will ever be happy until they change.
As for you, it would be best if you didn't respond or contact him, if you do it will only set your healing process back and you want to move forward not back! Stay busy, focus on new things, call your girlfriends when you want to talk, go out, meet people on here or other sites it's fun and it can help remind you that there is life out there beyond the ex's
Good luck! | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/20/2008 12:38:40 AM | Thanks thanks a bundle Skygazer,Master3, Bunnystop,love your name,and Classified,and evryone else who answered. I really appreciate your relating your opinions experience, you know this is exactky wha my therapist said,that he will hang on to anyone who came along,first me now whoever it is,very true Masters
i'm still stuck on the "will he keepever contact me" phase to the point that i went online,hardly ever so on Myspace,he was there and of course didnt say a word to me,
thats another gripe i have abou t him since he was the one who suggested that i sign up so we can always talk-less on the telephone bills,
turns out that all he did was ,yep ignore me,especialy after I spent x amount of times listening to his problems before ,many times he would just stop responding period,if we do get to talk. So after months, still the same thing,i expected that he wouldnt talk to me say hi,its been a while,what have you been up to, that wouldve been at least decent
but i held fast on not IM'ing him
Youre rigtht about some people are messed up inside,
and also Classified,i wouldnt want to wish this guy on my worst enemies,you dont treat a friend that way in my book
it helps alot reading people's opinions | |
|
| |
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/20/2008 2:04:53 AM | Vivia, this is so much like what I went through recently. It was upsetting, but I got through it and so will you.
He probably *is* having a better time than you are. It hurts, but avoid contact and try not to dwell. In my situation, there was a breakup yesterday between the guy I dated and and the girl he left me for. This seems like the real break and not just one of their quarrels. And I'm not excited or eager or happy or anything. I can't seem to care. I'm mildly curious, at best, about what shenanigans he may try this time, or whether he has bigger fish to fry. I DID care very much all summer, believe me.
You say "... I wonder how really effective is NC when you dont hear from the ex..."
I say it is just as necessary to enforce NC whether he knows you're doing it or not.
My ideas:
Make yourself invisible on Myspace so he won't know you're there, thus you won't know he's ignoring you.
Build a Facebook page if you haven't already. If you already have one, throw yourself into it. Think of who you'll show it to at semester's end (I personally am thinking of my mother.) Make it the best-one-ever. Try to remember your childhood neighbors and search for them and make them play with you at Facebook. Think of far-flung cousins you can search for. If you fail to find people, then use email and phone to locate targets and coax them to sign up. Find photos from Christmas 15 years ago; rummage through the basement or enlist relatives to help. Scan pics that wouldn't have ever seen the light of day. Manipulate them with Picasa tools or whatever your preference. Make special albums of themed pics with sepia tones... or whatever. If you don't enjoy doing that try something you do enjoy. I might append genealogy pages/pics when I have time. I might try some historical themes that I've never seen tried on social networking sites... history lessons, in a way, through pics and captions. There are many possibilities. Get caught up in it, whatever it is. Forget about the guy, to the extent that you can, and definitely forget about his crumbs.
Hang in there, and good luck. | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/20/2008 7:22:05 AM | | Stop all contact. You ARE looking for breadcrumbs. You cannot move on while in the friend zone. Some can, but after reading your posts I do not think you are capable of that with this man. You will not meet a new love as long as you continue to obsess about this guy. | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/20/2008 7:44:59 AM | | OK, everyone else bashed the guy, for understandable reasons. In limited defense of him (not knowing his side of the story) everyone handles breakups differently. Having absolutely NC with you may be his version. In fact the "relationship experts" recommend having a final goodbye followed by no contact as the best method of ending a relationship. What you lack apparently is a final showdown where you unload on him all the ways it has hurt you. You can still do that in writing. Pen a letter to him, list your hurts, griefs, hopes, etc. Then put it in a drawer for a later day. There was a song Big Blue Note. Someday you will be able to toss your big blue note to the wind and move on to someone that is good for you. | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/20/2008 8:28:26 AM | | Okay ,.......... kid you have love and bullying behaviour confused.......... this guy was a bully and if you take off the blinders you will see that his new one is so truly lucky to now sit on the .. flushaby throne he gave you, you want THAT back!!! Now when someone says that this is something that they would want back.. go read what you wrote ... like ten times and when you read it without feeling pity or hurt then get your butt down to your local library ... If you do one thing before you get another day older is read the book...." The Bully in Your Relationship" by Dr. Anne-Renée Testa. This is a great way for you to start to have the knowledge that you will need to move forward .. get control and never have anyone treat you like this again in your lifetime .. if you plan on taking a back seat for life in second rate relationships continue on the same path but if you are sick of being and continuing to be damaged goods then get reading this book and identify and stand up and stop being a self perpetuating victim of a behaviour that is self destructive and unproductive to what should be a fantastic future .... | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/23/2008 1:16:32 PM | Thanks everyone again for replying
i'll definately look in to the book,i'm always searching for good informative books such as "he says.She says,about stop falling for unavailable types.
That book you mention is a definaelty must read
I keep wondring,what have i dont to merit his disprespect,
he's the one who wanted to stay friends,which i did and seen that all it did was just gave him the green ligh tto treat me worst just because I no longer hold ny value to him
To the responder who talked on facebook,i'll do a great one for my upcomming graduation,thank for that support.
I was online the otherday,low and behold the same thing,nothing changes with him ignoring me but a friend of mine said i was ignoring him too,so i shouldnt worry.
I guess its should be expected since i refused to settle for hus breadcrumbs anymore
which was all I was getting from him
if anything i learned a big lesson not to be in second rate relationships,but it hurts a bit still. | |
|
| |
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/24/2008 3:12:08 PM | It is possible to remain friends after a split but it can only really happen if you are both honest about the previous relationship. I mean, the dumper showing the dumpee some respect and talking to them and discussing the reasons for the split.
The dumpee might not like the answers, but it is better than just walking out leaving the dumpee's head spinning with unanswered questions and at least maintains a degree of trust that would be the bedrock of any future friendship.
Not having 'the talk' only forces the dumpee to disassemble the relationship effectively robbing them of any good memories in their search for answers. That is more likely to result in you not even being able to walk past each other on the same side of the road. | |
|
| |
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/24/2008 9:09:22 PM | I just got dumped by a guy after a month who want's to continue with me as "friends". We live 15 minutes apart. Said he'd like to continue as my lover, but since he knows I want more than that and he doesn't feel he can give me the relationship I'm looking for so he's really hoping we can be friends. I guess asking to go for a drive and watch a sunset was going too far. I'm thinking if he doesn't want to spend time with me, plan something fun, get together for dinner, talk about my deepest feelings when we were "going out", so what exactly does that mean? What would we do as friends? Are we going to call each other and exchange recipes? Because I have much closer friends who have not EVER rejected me or mislead me. What is the purpose of calling a man a friend who has betrayed and rejected me and knows little about me and has never asked? I think it's a wimpy way to break up with someone - a soft way to let you down easy. He's looking to feel better about hurting you and seeking reassurance that you don't hate him or think he's awful.
OP - don't feel bad that he has found someone else already and you haven't. He may just be with her because he doesn't know how to be alone and she was maybe convenient. Take your time, be a strong woman - living well is the best revenge. | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/30/2008 3:27:06 PM | hi Applepie,
NC means no contact, i like your question, North Carlina's beautiful, wish NC meant that instead.
Also thanks Ms.Mewsik and Dondilly ,hope i spelled it right, i am feeling better everyday,but the mhurt still lingers some.
I thought sending a mass e-mail after the election including his address but i dont want to seem like i'm reaching out to him,which i am but i need to be patient,
True, friends dont treat friends the way he has done me | |
|
| Should I have stayed friends even though he dumped me? NC question
Posted: 9/30/2008 9:11:30 PM | | very interesting subject to me....been through sorta the same things...best thing to do is to delete him from your myspace and set yourself to private..and break from him totally...when he sees you dont care he will either want to know why and start bugging ya or just not care himself...n as much as it may hurt ya hun it really is the best to do...(n interesting on the book i gotta get that!)..sometimes the best way to break w someone is to do it completely and make yourself happy first and then if something comes of it all later well it could be good or bad...life is just that way....just make sure he respects you and doesnt take you for granted and start showing your stronger side otherwise he will just keep doing what he is doing..and that you dont want...if i hadnt of done it that way i wouldnt be back w my honey today...hope that helps n goodluck atcha :> | |
|
|
Home
login 
