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 ruckus123
Joined: 6/7/2005
Msg: 2
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
You are different because you are different people and people deal with things in thier own way.
 Helen Waite
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 3
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 9:30:10 AM
I find that it's affected me in different ways at different times in my life but one thread has been similar to yours. I don't like manipulative people, men who are namby pamby or women who use their 'wiles' to gain favor with men.

There are times when I am simply not interested in dating or sex; these have been the times when I've been actively dealing with the effects of being abused. Our bodies remember on a different level than our minds and when I have those body memories it's like that part of my life in being relived. I simply don't have the resources to deal with the current as well.

We can only hope that child molesters are convicted more. Education is key both in preventing abuse (most abusers are known to the child) and in coping with the after-effects of abuse. If we were to calculate the monetary costs to the victims (therapy, lost time, lost productivity, missed potential) it would be staggering. Think of how much richer, both financially and spiritually, our world would be if we eradicated this nasty plague.
 actualizing
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 4
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 9:31:22 AM
Are both of you alpha females? I guess there is really not enough information for us to make any judgements here. But you purposely asked the question giving precisely the amount of info that you did. You chose to disrespect certain types of men while being a certain type of woman while your sister chooses to disrespect women while using men. Both of you are reacting to your childhood circumstances I would say. It can`t be easy for either of you. Peace.
 thisisbj
Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 5
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:11:06 AM
People react differently....my father raped and abused all 5 of his daughters and abused his only son throughout our childhood years...while our mother became a child herself.

The oldest ran away at 16 told everyone what was happening in 1965. No one listened so she could save her younger siblings but she was put into foster care until graduated from high school at 17. She used art to heal herself...took 30 years. She helped many others through her art, website and contributor to the book "She who was lost is remembered" as well as helped herself. She was very promiscuous and tried to kill herself twice.

The next two were twins. The oldest of the two shielded herself in a bubble of religion. The younger used humor and was probably the one that hid her depression the best. They both married right out of high school and had children...then divorced. Both remarried and are still married over 15 years.

My brother killed himself at 27...never married.

I never saw it as my fault and told everyone that would listen....yet no one did. Left home at 16 and made my twin come with me knowing she would be hurt badly if I left her behind. We hitchhiked to Seattle where my oldest sister lived and stayed with her until we graduated from high school. I'm sure that helped her to finally heal the wounds of not being able to save us 10 years earlier. My younger twin used perfection to get through the day. By making sure everything was done the correct way, then nothing could go wrong. She is still in her first marriage of 17 years.

We used each other for protection, love and the ability to process the thoughts and feelings.

My dad died in 1995 which allowed my mom to finally grow. We never held her responsible for what he did. The process of grieving a lost childhood and rejoicing in the love of sisterhood helped all of us.
 Helen Waite
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 6
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:25:24 AM

You chose to disrespect certain types of men


I wouldn't disrespect anyone I didn't know. I just wouldn't date them.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 8
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:58:44 AM
The posted subject and your question at the end of your post are two entirely different things. I will briefly answer both. I was abused from early grade school until high school, and have spent much of my life learning about the effects of childhood sexual abuse and how to deal with the long term problems from it. Nothing I write is in stone; it may apply to you, or it may not. Only you are able to put all the pieces together and learn who you are. Same for your sister. It is tremendously difficult to face who and what we are, when we would really rather be someone else entirely. It's even harder when we realize that we can never become that person, no matter how hard we try. Facing those things is usually something most people who were abused are not able to do, so they just avoid the subject entirely.

Most people who were abused as kids never study the phenomenon. They want to pretend it never happened, and try to get on with life as if they were unaffected by the whole thing. It doesn't work of course; anything that traumatic does affect us whether we admit it or not.

As far as you and your sister, both of you express your feelings and desires in a different way, and suppress the thoughts that you don't want to deal with. With the brief description you gave, you are attracted to a strong protective person, that which your abuser was not. Your sister uses sex to get what she wants from men, perhaps to prove to herself that's the only thing men want, and in that way she controls the intimate relationships in her life. You give no information of why she has less sexual desire in her marriage, but many marriages wind up essentially 'sexless' after a while, so we don't know if hers is exceptional in some way. She probably doesn't admire women because none stood up for themselves enough to protect the others; your mom of course is seen as weak and subordinate. You don't mention what 'dirty work' your mom did, but I'm guessing either she looked the other way while he was abusing the girls, or actually encouraged it to either: 1. keep him away from her, or 2. keep him around so she wouldn't be alone. Both reasons are contemptible. She may be vain because she can use her sexual attractiveness to get the attention/sexual gratification that she wants.

How did my abuse affect me? I'm a crossdresser. I had none of the typical sexual identity confusion until my abuse started; I had been basically a normal boy. By the time I was 14, I was a mess. Convinced I was supposed to be a girl by my abuser, yet attracted to girls, nothing made sense. Initial attraction to a girl caused a desire to 'be pretty for her', not a good thing. I disliked, distrusted males. There's always the suspicion that they are trying to take advantage of me, whether they are or not, and that feeling continues to this day. Despite that my thought processes are distinctly male, my speech patterns and communication methods are male, there's always the underlying feeling that I'm 'not right' as a guy. I can't shake the feeling that I'm in the wrong clothes; that I'm supposed to be wearing something feminine. The best way I can describe it is as if you are at a formal function, but dressed in swimming trunks; you aren't exactly exposing yourself, but feel uncomfortable anyway because it just....doesn't....feel....right. The urge to crossdress slowly rises until I do it. Then it's gone for a while. It doesn't coincide with sexual desire, nor it is connected to it. Many people think any guy with a predisposition towards anything feminine is automatically gay, but of course that isn't so. The hardest thing for me to accept is that the desire to crossdress will never go away, that unfortunately is pretty much agreed upon by all the 'experts'. Worse was the discovery that >99% of all women are completely turned off by crossdressing. That means finding a mate for me is not likely. I don't look forward to spending the rest of my life alone, but can't bring myself to NOT tell someone about it when I'm trying to date them. I feel that I should be up front about it, even if it destroys any chances for me to date someone. So far, my 'romantic' life has been a nightmare.

If you have questions email me. I will share what I've learned, but there are many psychological theorists. I've taken what I've learned from many of them, to help me understand myself. If I can help anyone else, I'll gladly do it.
 ***blue***
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 9
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:01:38 AM
I'll still have an occosional panic attack, especially if I happen to see him somewhere.
I never slept around and was very chooseey about who I allowed in my bed. I have problems sleeping with others even in the same house if I do not know them well.
My main problem though is controle issues. I have a really hard time giving it up and don't always deal with it well when I have to. Even with simple matters, needing to have things planned in detail, even if its just going out to dinner with friends. I get stressed if it's not planned.

I never had hangups about men though, I knew they were not all the same.

I'm trying to work on forgiveness now to try to heal myself a little more so I'll just have to see if I'm strong enough to do it.

"but there are many psychological theorists. I've taken what I've learned from many of them, to help me understand myself. If I can help anyone else, I'll gladly do it."

I went this route too because I needed to understand the why of it. And this is the hardest part for me I know in order to be able to move on and heal more I'm going to need to ask him why he did it, and that means I will have to actually talk and /or see him again. I was 15 the last time I was in the same room with him and I'm still very afraid of him.
 webweebil
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 10
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:05:35 AM

I have looked hard and long at my relationships with the men that I have had in my life.
They all have had to prove themselves to me first so I would feel safe with opening my heart to them. If he is not strong and a leader type A, then I have no respect for him.
My sister and I were victims of a pedophile that my mother married. She turned blindly away when I tried to alert her at a very young age. He was a wussy secretive manipulative who got my mother to do his dirty work for him.
On the other hand, my sister, manipulates men with sex, is quite promiscuous outside of her marriage, is like a nun within her marriage, has contempt for women in general, (especially women like my mother) and is incredibly vain.
Why the difference?


Wow. My father was physically abusive and violent. I have the same dynamic that you have and also the same observations about my sister too. I can sense a violent man and either want to smash his head in or exit his energy right away. I avoid that energy every way I can. I think that pedophiles are pretty much the same as abusers, so the energy is within the same range.
 ~Kyn~
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 12
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:16:05 AM
I am also an Alpha female type...and although was never sexually abused in the realms of other women here...

What did happen was...I sexually harassed by a neighbour when I was a young child (Married man with small children which is pretty typical from what Ive seen. Although uncomfortable...I didnt realise now he was "grooming" me, cant remember if he touched me or not he likely did... but I didnt fully understand what was going on until the minute he took his d!ck out...so I ran away & never went near him again

Then as I grew older (can even remember him mentally undressing me with his eyes before Id hit puberty)...my uncle used to sexually harass me & did his utmost to touch me inappropriately so I just avoided him for many years until I finally told as an adult after he put major moves on me when my marriage broke up.
Like all predators...they move in on the weak...and at that time I was.
Attempting to solicit sex by phonecall in the small hours of the morning (he's a truckie) ontop of him physically groping me whenever he got the opportunity (including family functions which is about the only time I ever saw him). He's a nipple fetish btw.
Needless to say...Im a liar (although I wonder if my aunt actually DID check his phone records like I told her too)...there's a complete division in the family because of it

I have another uncle who attempted the same type of thing when I was around 14-16, and a cousins husband that put the hard word AND moves on me INFRONT of her.
She just sat there.

All of these men were philanderers and all of the women have stood by them.
Thats not to mention a few of my ex-hubby's male relatives that did their best as well when I ended up alone after the marriage break...all moved in like dogs on heat.
Absolutely no boundaries some men.

Lets throw in the neighbour when I was 15 who used to stare at me and who I found out was the perpetrator of the filthy letters & cards I used to get.
The married neighbour who hit on me under the guise of just being friendly and regaled to me how he was using his wife for money. Never spoke to him again after that.
The man who felt me up on the bus while I was falling asleep after travelling for hours to/from school whilst I was in my uniform.
The guy who stalked me for 2 years and masturbate in my yard who Id never even met (aside from a goodmorning as he walked his dogs past my house) but who lived in my street.

Like your sister...I have absolute contempt for women that turn a blind eye to this behavior...rarely are they aware that what these men do infront of their face or get busted doing as something they explain away as a "misunderstanding"...is merely the tip of the iceberg...or ...maybe these women do know...which makes them even more disgraceful...but arent likely to accept responsibility for that either and just makes me sick.

As far as the men go...well...I feel absolutely nothing.
And any man who displays any characteristics of being sexually predatorial, candid or unrestricting behavior... or not 100% committed to their partner & family or me for that matter...I wont even tolerate on a professional level certainly not in a dating/relationship capacity.
I dont have to, I call the shots...I wont put up with it & would never jeopardise or enable the behavior on another woman...nor my own daughter by letting a man like that into my home.
It is likely though...part of the reason why Ive been single for so long because faaaaaar too many men are like that so they need to show they've more value attributed to themselves than a d!ck...cos frankly...ALL men have got one and with so many men behaving as if thats their driving force...that kinda thing makes them simply one of a pack of "nothings"

Specifically relationships...Ive always been with solid, reliable men that were kind and showed no signs whatsoever of womanising behavior.
Although I dont normally post personal details...its never effected my sex life thats always been terrific because I *am* very specific about the men Ive shared that with.

One of my cousins however (I dont know her full story but she was raped at 15)...to this day displays the promiscuous behavior of your other sister...and is a user & abuser of men.

My heart goes out to all you ladies and men who've ever been a victim of the lowest form of life

A few comments to the men.
Alphas *lol*...and this is specific to men...Ive yet to meet an Alpha male who displayed behavior of being sexually bounteous.
Dont attempt to tell yourself that bedding a string of women makes you Alpha. It does not.
It simply solidifies your place on the lower end of the animalistic scale along with the other joke dregs of society.
So when you see other men or catch yourself doing that type of behavior...dont stand there and cheer or pat yourself on the back...a real Alpha male...would put a stop to it just like I would...because you are HUMAN...not an animal...which means you have free choice and decision making skills attributed to intellect...you arent driven by ID and carnal desire.
The ability to use & abuse people...doesnt make you Alpha...it means you're like my cousin who was raped. Playing out the rest of a story from a history past.

Im not a religious person but to those who allow this behavior to continue by not taking a stance against monsters who prey on children or anyone for that matter...may you stand beside them on the otherside...and receive your judgement in the same breath.
 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 13
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:22:45 AM
The psychological effect of childhood sexual abuse can be very serious and lifelong. If neither of you have undergone counseling and a psychological evaluation, all that can be said is that the symptoms can vary from victim to victim. Promiscuity, as you describe for your sister, can be a symptom. So can the inability to function in an intimate relationship.

In any case, potentially, you could be dealing with a very serious emotional disorder, that is way beyond the purview of a chat board.
 LaMediaNaranja
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 14
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:28:02 AM
thisisbj: "People react differently....my father raped and abused all 5 of his daughters and abused his only son throughout our childhood years...while our mother became a child herself.

The oldest ran away at 16 told everyone what was happening in 1965. No one listened so she could save her younger siblings but she was put into foster care until graduated from high school at 17. She used art to heal herself...took 30 years. She helped many others through her art, website and contributor to the book "She who was lost is remembered" as well as helped herself. She was very promiscuous and tried to kill herself twice.

The next two were twins. The oldest of the two shielded herself in a bubble of religion. The younger used humor and was probably the one that hid her depression the best. They both married right out of high school and had children...then divorced. Both remarried and are still married over 15 years.

My brother killed himself at 27...never married.

I never saw it as my fault and told everyone that would listen....yet no one did. Left home at 16 and made my twin come with me knowing she would be hurt badly if I left her behind. We hitchhiked to Seattle where my oldest sister lived and stayed with her until we graduated from high school. I'm sure that helped her to finally heal the wounds of not being able to save us 10 years earlier. My younger twin used perfection to get through the day. By making sure everything was done the correct way, then nothing could go wrong. She is still in her first marriage of 17 years.

We used each other for protection, love and the ability to process the thoughts and feelings.

My dad died in 1995 which allowed my mom to finally grow. We never held her responsible for what he did. The process of grieving a lost childhood and rejoicing in the love of sisterhood helped all of us."



This just breaks my heart.......I just can't envision a parent harming their child(ren) in ANY capacity much less sexually. It boggles my mind!!!

Thank you for sharing - everyone! Glad to read some have overcome this gradually.

Best,

 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 15
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:38:36 AM
Careful, daisy; alpha males are the most charismatic, powerful people you will meet. You won't always know when they are being up front and when they are lying and being manipulative, because they are so very, very good at it. They are most often successful financially and in powerful positions, and as such, many women aren't even aware of why they are attracted to them, and ignore the danger signs. They find people fabulous to discourse with because they want something from them, and know quite well how to get it through persuasion rather than intimidation (or sometimes, both). Yes, they do always wonder if a woman is sexually available if he finds her attractive; he may not make any advances on it, but you can bet your last dollar that he knows or will find out if he can ever have her. He may even calculate a long term plan to 'get' her, or perhaps keep track of when he'll meet her again in the future at a more opportune social event of some sort; he may even 'create' one to make it seem like a coincidence that they meet again. He will keep track of her male mate, and know when she is vulnerable to an advance.
Alpha males are not monogamous, even if they manage to appear that way. More than 50% of all married people aren't faithful to their partners; alphas have more opportunities than most for extramarital sex, and have the ego to feel they deserve it. Don't think for a moment that they aren't acting on those desires.
 Helen Waite
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 18
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:53:27 PM

How does one get over the mistrust factor?


I think by making a conscious effort to do so. Rather than rely on coping methods that worked well when we in danger we have to relearn that the world is basically a safe place and most people don't have a hidden agenda; they just want to be loved accepted the way we do.

I know I am hesitant to trust, but when I examine things without emotion I can make a choice about whether someone is trustworthy or not. It's taken a long time to recognize my knee jerk reaction to be mistrustful and I have to be vigilant as I've missed out on some fulfilling relationships because of it.

You've recognized your hesitance to trust - that's more than half the battle!
 actualizing
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 19
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:06:06 PM
Hi Daisy (my father's nickname for me too) ... weird.

I didn't mean to use the word 'choose' in that manner. I mean that's how you and your sister dealt with things. We all have to find our own ways. Kyn describes that she too is an alpha female, as I am too.

I believe that we need to stay at the head of the pack in order to care for those who have any injustices done to them. We need to stay there to champion the weak and herald the kind. I have become a high school teacher in an all girls school. I would say that actually the profession "chose" me, and so did the school since I got a call out of the blue in the middle of the day to teach there thirteen years ago. I am the most happy when I am in that classroom with those teenage girls. Those were the most tumultous years for me, when my father was acting out and was more or less stalking all of his five children.

Our challenge as grown woman is to heal and to engage in "healthy' relationships but at the same time we need to accept that we have difficulties and weaknesses as does everyone else. Acceptance and evolution are the keys to our lives, the golden keys.

Peace to you my sister, and to all sisters.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 20
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:14:55 PM

They all have had to prove themselves to me first so I would feel safe with opening my heart to them. If he is not strong and a leader type A, then I have no respect for him.

I think waiting until someone proves themselves before you give them your heart (i.e., until you "know" them) is a good idea, healthy and what more should do.

As far as wanting a strong guy, most women want a real take-charge kind of man and not a wussy metro-sexual breed, momma's boy and door-mat with a d-ick.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're normal.
 Levi501s
Joined: 6/26/2007
Msg: 21
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:46:18 PM
I agree with another poster that said your subject line and post content contradict.

I am reponding to your subject line:

"Victims of child sex abuse. How does it affect your dating and relationships?"

I have dated several women that are survivors of this horrendous behavior. I noticed two things: 1) I was amazed at the prevalence of this experience in womens lives, and 2) I noticed a trend in attracting/being attracted to, these women.

With all due respect, sincerely, it makes it very difficult (in my experience) to have a relationship with a woman that has had this experience. Extremely so, if she hasn't pursued professional help.

God help. I'm not trying to judge, but the "prove themselves" (i.e. I need to prove myself to her) thing can seem to go into infinity. And yes, I attended counselling with my SO(s) and was cautioned by the councellors that I was possibly being judged by someone (the abuser) else's horrendous behavior.

I believe it often scars a woman for life. I hate that this has happened to some women. Honestly I do! As I did in my realtionships, I wished I could do something to make it better, easier, or go away, but alas, I didn't have that power.

I hope this post is seen in the light I intend: compassion.

However, to be honest, I am reluctant to try having a relationship with a woman that has been through this type of experience. Based solely on my personal experiences, it's extremely difficult for that injured childs soul to recover, even into adulthood.

Godspeed to all you women that have been through it!
 ~Kyn~
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 22
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:31:24 PM
I hope this post is seen in the light I intend: compassion.

Levi I think your post is honestly written and doesnt come across at all as lacking compassion but does show your concerns.

With all due respect, sincerely, it makes it very difficult (in my experience) to have a relationship with a woman that has had this experience. Extremely so, if she hasn't pursued professional help.

I personally have never looked to professional help...but my instances arent nearly in the gravity of some of the other women.

I see how my own life experiences have influenced me but personally dont feel that they've had a detrimental effect in defining who I am within my relationships any more than any other experience Ive ever had.
I am one of likely very few on this site (by all accounts reading threads)...who has not been a victim of cheating nor been a perpetrator.
I neither have emulated my past (because often victims become abusers themselves {take the OPs sister & my cousin for example})...nor become so emotionally closed that Im incapable of a loving relationship.

Infact I often see what goes on around me...and wonder how anyone could possibly exist within what I consider incredibly and perpetually dysfunctional relationships.
The things I see on here...are beyond my capabilities for what I could ever possibly imagine people doing to others.

I believe it often scars a woman for life. I hate that this has happened to some women. Honestly I do! As I did in my realtionships, I wished I could do something to make it better, easier, or go away, but alas, I didn't have that power.

Some people become introspective and work through whatever needs to be done to place those memories reconciled and firmly in the history of their minds...that doesnt mean an occasional circumstance wont arise...but no more than any other memory they would have.
Other people will always carry baggage
Others will need counselling
Some will never do any of those things.

Im perfectly ok with anything thats happened to me...but that *does* influence my decisions on men.
I dont honestly think thats a bad thing...because those scars you mentioned I learned at an early age...and have taught me what to avoid...have taught me my ethics...and Ive not let them be so deep that I want a man to make amends for injustices done by others...ergo my ability to be involved in close loving long term relationships

Id consider myself less "damaged" than most of the people I see here that havent been the victim of some type of abuse...and Im hopefully more aware of what Im doing to other people and more aware of what they're doing to me.

I see what goes on around me...how people treat each other & treat others...how they desperately jump from person to person and bed to bed and drama after drama like moths to a flame...
...and what I see...is grown people doing it to themselves and I wonder if they really like who they are or even stop to think about it...because Im ok with everything thats happened... and I like me

I believe that we need to stay at the head of the pack in order to care for those who have any injustices done to them. We need to stay there to champion the weak and herald the kind.

^^^ I really believe there's truth to what actualizing said...if I can take what I am and care for and pass that onto others... beginning with my own children, loving a man, letting him love me and so on...thats only a good thing. Ripple effect.
Be a guide for some, mouthpiece for some and a safe place to fall for others.
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 23
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History
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:45:37 PM
I believe that children who are victims of childhood sexual abuse are more apt to become adults who are Borderline Personality Disordered - a horrible sentence and debilitating to successful adult relationships. I just watched a horrific Oprah show depicting how child molestation has grown with the anonimity of the internet. I predict that children (growing into adulthood) with emotional disorders will increase.
 toomuch13
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 24
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:56:02 PM
"Alpha males are the most charismatic, powerful people you will meet."

This is very true. I would not paint them all as being horrible though. I know a few good alpha males who are pillars of their communities and families. I have been chased by a few. They are are good and bad of every group.
 Helen Waite
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 25
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:08:07 PM
Between one quarter and one third of all women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused as children. If Lil Booker's hypothesis were correct we would see astronomical rates of Borderline Personality Disorder and this is not the case. Only 2% of the population shows the behaviors and symptoms associated with BPD.

Incidence of molestation has not increased with the advent of the Internet; it's the ability to distribute child pornography that has. The perceived anonymity of the internet has encouraged the explosion of production and distribution of child pornography and the severity of acts captured on media, but not the overall incidence.

If there is early intervention for children who have been molested there isn't necessarily an increase in the incidence mental health problems. The problems occur when the crime is kept secret and the child is left to cope on their own.

As for avoiding dating a person who has been molested it's just like any hurdle we have to face as human beings. It's happened - now what are you going to do with the fallout? That's the measure of a person. I would hope that each person could be evaluated (for lack of a better term) on their own merits. Having been molested doesn't automatically mean you're 'damaged goods'.
 tanzanite99901
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 26
Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:58:25 PM
I found in my early 20's, I was in love with the idea of love and companionship. I did go through professional help over the years. The craziest part is that the trial lastest longer then the abuse (abuse started when I was 12 til 17). He didn't even get jail time. Gotta love the justice system eh? I started talking to someone as soon as I came out about the abuse. I even had one counselor try and tell me that I was 'just one of those people who was ment to be abused. If it wasn't your step-father, then it would've been someone else.' I walked out of that door as soon as possible. Anyway, back to the question....today, I am a type A personality but have overcome most of my issues when it comes to the baggage I had. I think I am doing better then my brother who was physically abused by him. There is no borderline personality issues here. I think that some people feel comfort in continuing the pain (not getting help) because that is all they know. They feel they don't deserve anything else (part of the manipulation). It's sad, but unless we help those who don't realize they need the help, there will be continued crackpot theories including the borderline personality disorder.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 28
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/17/2008 7:21:03 AM
I dont know if you ever get over the mistrust factor. The way I deal with it is I always try to be on top of things, alert and cautious of any red flags. True misinterpreting things may occur, but protecting onself was the minds response to the abuse that took place. The approach I take today is to trust unless someone gives me the reasons not to trust at a perticular level. But that is a trusting issue that I deal with. Men just cant take advantage of me sexually because I am attracted to women even though I was abused by a male pedifile.
As a male being abused by a man may make me unique, I dont know. I was a child when the incident occured, being over powered unknowingly by a trusted resident of the neighborhood. I have to agree it does effect me and my relationships. I tended to underdevelop socially and still act childish and tend not to want to take things very seriously when dealing with a girlfreind. I have tendency to be cautious and can spot a women who is manipulative a mile a way, and avoid that type to the extreme for she isnt worth the time. As for men, I dont fear any thing because I am not attracted to men sexually, women have always had my utmost attention. But I wont be taken advantage of by any deceptive man, just wont let it happen and I can spot them verbally, thats the only real way of detecting them by what they say.
I have not gone down the traditional road, dating, marrage but dont know because my life script was effected as a child. I have had therapy for the event and know it was the pedifiles wrong doing even though for years I didnt tell anyone about the even. I guess a child believes they will be blamed if they dont have parents that dont communicate to the child well.
My writing style can be a bit confusing and out of sync due to its fragmentation.
 zestyvirginia
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 29
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/17/2008 7:27:26 AM
So sorry about your childhood,,,That must be tough,,,Have you talked with a profession {dr} about this,??

I have a girlfriend and she is still having a hard time with that experience but the good news she is gettig better so good luck and I do hope you seek Profession advice{Lots of good dr's.
 CherylCake
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 30
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/17/2008 7:30:53 AM
Being the ugly child, my pretty sister got all the molestation, but I now feel guilty about not being able to save her. She's a big mess. I have had the occasional flasher, and attempted molestations, but as soon as I saw the pee pee, I ran for the hills. Boggles the mind how many men think of this stuff. Mothers & fathers, keep your kids under wraps, and not just the girls, either. And if anyone here is even considering the notion, please, please don't ruin generations of lives by acting out your own abuse. Think of how it made you feel. Don't do it.
I now rejoice that I have a Father in heaven who loves me very much, watches out for me, and has a great plan for my life. Awesomely comforting.
And I try to encourage the neighborhood kids to hang out & tell me who is suspicious. I give them advice on how to avoid any problems. They know it's safe in my home. Funny, tho, some parents get suspicious of my intentions, and I suppose it's a good thing. I'm very careful to not touch except in a friendly way, like if we're working out a dance move. They want to pile on the couch with me, but I can't allow that. Seperate chairs for everyone. Too bad, but that's just how it has to be.
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 31
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Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships?
Posted: 9/17/2008 7:37:05 AM

there will be continued crackpot theories including the borderline personality disorder.

I'll refine my first post on this thread. I don't mean to imply that everyone who is sexually abused grows up to be BPD. However turning it around, among BPDs, there is a *high incidence* of childhood sexual abuse. What is often present in a BPD's past is something unbearable (sp?) to the child and abuse can be one of the causes.

It is not a crackpot theory. Much has been written about it. I've done a lot of reading about BPD after being in such a relationship.
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