| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:53:53 PM | Hi Guys...
I need some advice...
….I find that many of the email I receive are:
* vague, no depth … sometimes seems like a generic email sent with slight alterations (remember guys, is important to stand out from all the others – otherwise you are just another guy emailing)
* no picture (which makes it hard to connect with someone – meaning a picture shows personality and character)
* have not read my profile and ask me questions I already answered
* say very little on their profile or lack communication skills (don’t say very much which makes it SO hard to get to know them)
* dont ask about me at all (lol)
* have 500000 favorites and I wonder if they are sincere (is more a popularity contest rather then sincere about meeting someone -- for those who say that is what they want)…
* seem to want to just chat forever…
* seem to not know what he is looking for in a woman (taking the “winging it” approach…lol)
* when you meet they are nothing like they described (show a pic that is 10 years younger)… am turned off about the lying …
* say very little … for example “ask me anything” … or asking me to ask them question (ummmm yes, confusing)…like “what do you want to know”…
* act nothing like he has described himself… (I actually had a guy fake his identity completely – using someone else’s pic, lied about age, etc…)
What would really help me is if you could give some tips on how to tell the sincere from the fake.
… the problem is, it makes me kind of numb and question the sincerity of all (and I don’t want to become desensitized)…
de•sen•si•tize: 1. to lessen the sensitiveness of. 2. to make indifferent, unaware, or the like, in feeling.
Any suggestions?
Thanks,
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:56:38 PM | | And I thought I was alone in this de-sensitizing. Sooner or later a person gets on or off a horse, you just have to. If you don't like riding the horse any longer, or the saddle is too stiff, it's time for a change. O no, I am sounding like my uncle, who tells parables instead of answering questions. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:34:31 PM | Because you posted it, and I've never gotten a direct answer to this question, can you PLEASE explain this to me.
seem to not know what he is looking for in a woman (taking the “winging it” approach…lol)
"I like a man who knows what he wants" It's so cliche and makes no sense to me.
I take the, I know what I like, I know what I don't like type approach.
Don't be a b1tch, don't be a mooch, be physically attractive to me, have time for me. Very few actually pass all 4, and even less are interested in me if they do. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:11:19 PM | ubkobalt
As for what "I like a man who knows what he wants" means… It just simply means someone who has an idea of the type of woman they want or has an idea of what he want from life (and love). For example, do they want to travel, live in the city or country, etc…. Same is true for the “type of woman”… some men love the tom-boy type, some like the deep intellectual or educated… other like blonde, oriental or the exotic type… IS not meant to categorize a man or women it just helps to know more about what a man is looking for.
The best way I can explain it is if I was to ask you what kind of car(s) you want or like. Generally this decision is based on your personality and character/personality…. Some may want a jag while others may want a jeep… is about knowing yourself and what you want (which is the same when I ask a man “what a man is looking for in a woman” (meaning physical, intellectual, emotional, etc characteristics).
For me it really is NOT some weird test … it is an honestly attempt to get to know a man – what he wants and is looking for… And is NOT a prediction of the future (no one can control that)… but for me, it s nice to know what a man wants, desires, has interest in… In short, what he wants from love and life…. (((see if we connect)))
Hope this helps…
:-) | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:27:27 PM | So you're pretty much asking how you tell the difference between someone who cares and someone who's just screwing around looking for girls?
I'd say that the only way to do that is to talk to them. You can generally tell somewhat where the final result of his conversations are pointed. If they're pointed towards his satisfaction and what he gets out of the relationship, then don't bother. If they're pointed at what he can offer you in the relationship, then he's a keeper.
Or I could be completely misreading your question. If so, just ignore this comment. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:34:10 PM | No problem. One other idea that just came up in my head:
Part of how serious a man is in my opinion has to do with his maturity. That's something that's easily seen within the first few conversations. I would definitely not date anyone that you think isn't as mature as you are. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:52:37 PM | | Well, the biggest problem is that a lot people dont know what to say (or how to say) things without seeming overly picky or making their profile so long that no one wants to read it. My only suggestion on this would I guess be to step up and be aggressive with the conversations and allow them time to gain comfort in talking to you. While being online builds some peoples ability to be open others it will make it feel impersonal to and they may not know how to react well with you. As for the people that lie, its just a fact of online dating. There will always be people that aren't going to be honest and are looking to manipulate people. Just make sure you are careful with it when you meet people, you know same old spill make it public, dont give personal information til you know them well, etc. Sorry this may not be the most definative answer you've ever gotten but I hope it helps. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:52:28 AM | I must admit that I started answering your post, artistic-serenity, and looked at your profile to get some insight into the person whose question I was answering, and was frankly kind of surprised.
At 40, with (at least) one marriage under your belt and at least one child over 18, I am kind of suprised to see how little insight it seems you have into men. That's not intended to be insulting at all (and it's also a comment on how you look younger than your chronological age, btw), and I could be way off here, of course.
Look, in the mating dynamic, we guys do the offering and you women do the choosing. That's basic, and in my humble opinion pretty much accurate unless you consider what can bluntly be termed "playing in different leagues", such as a scenario in which the guy is very attractive and/or very wealthy and/or a pro athlete / actor/celebrity/rock star etc., or in some way several notches more desirable than the women going after him.
Guys will approach a lot of women precisely because they are trying their chances of having one of them be interested. They are generally much more open and flexible than women about who could qualify as date-able or even long-term-relationship-material-- not necessarily because they want to be, but because they really do not have much of a choice. Guys can even get to the point where they feel that the less any given woman knows about them, the less likely she is to find an excuse to reject them.
Women, by contrast, whether they admit it openly or not, tend to develop these long "shopping lists" of criteria, or checklists, which guys pass or fail, and assertively ferret out information as to whether any given guy measures up (pun intended).
Now, this is a caricature, of course, but not completely inaccurate. There's no point complaining or being bitter about something that you cannot change-- you just adapt to it.
Much of what you are noticing is basically summed up as "He's not investing a lot of time or effort in trying to interest me".
Yet when you consider that, at least in many guys heads, for every 1 woman that a guy considers attractive who would be interested in him, 99 would be attractive to him, but would rule him out for whatever reason (too fat, too thin, wrong race/colour, ugly, divorced, too short, bad dresser, crap car, wrong job, no car, no job, has kids, has no kids, too nerdy, too jock, convicted felon, wimp, completely devoid of rhythm etc....you get the idea), this is hardly surprising.
Try sending the emails yourself, and choosing the guys based on what YOU are interested in.
As for the lack of sincerity...er...it's the Internet, babe. Known for a lot of things, but sincerity (other than the rude and nasty kind) is not one of them.
Don't take it so seriously. Just tell yourself that they obviously think you're hot enough to try to lie their way into your pants, have a laugh about it, and move on to the next one. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:12:58 PM | Well, being a guy on here can be a tough racket ....lol. What you describe in your post sounds like a reflection of different strategies used by males aimed at getting some attention.
Sincere from the fake? Good luck. But if you're always nice, don't talk down or rude, and let him know you don't like the pervy stuff, then you should be able to filter through the ones that you are not comfortable with. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:49:12 PM | It's fairly easy to spot a fake.
If they ask for sex right away....
If they ask for money
If they send pornographic photos
If they don't show up for dates
If their emails resemble form letters and they do not answer your questions
If they have rice marks on their faces from numerous marriages
If they refer to themselves as "we"
Good luck,
Jim | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:35:23 PM | OP: I'm sure I've seen this thread before, but...
There is no real way to determine what you want to know, other than doing a postmortem. In hindsight, it is possible to identify the signs that a guy was a player... unfortunately for you, if you look for those signs as ways to reject guys, there will be a lot of 'false positives' and you'll be rejecting a lot of guys who aren't players.
Although you should avoid any guy who describes himself as either "a nice guy" or as "not a player." Players lie, and decent guys know that just claiming to not be something is meaningless, so they won't bother. (If you like otherwise decent guys, who are nonetheless somewhat lower in intelligence, there might be a few of those type eliminated with this strategy. Up to you.)
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 5:29:52 PM | * have 500000 favorites and I wonder if they are sincere (is more a popularity contest rather then sincere about meeting someone -- for those who say that is what they want)…
How about 15 mail settings and no interests? | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 7:10:07 PM | Uhm, OP, your list of what you don't like pretty much answers your question. You see a guy doing that stuff -- yup, avoid him. He's a faker/player.
Sincere guys write something original, know how to converse at least in email, and probably don't have a ton of female friends on here.
My question is why are you getting so many lameos responding to your profile? Time to tweak your filters, I'd say. | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 7:20:36 PM | You Go Girl ... I think lot of us feel the same way... And I totally agree with what you are saying... How about the ones that contact you and forgot they did....LOL
Tells me that they are really serious.... NOT! | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 7:56:21 PM |
How about the ones that contact you and forgot they did....LOL
Tells me that they are really serious.... NOT!
Well, there have to be some assumptions made as to the specifics, but I can think of a circumstance in which that is not correct. Suppose there was little progress from the first contact, if any. Now, let there be a few months after that first contact, as well as a profile change on the woman's part.
Under those circumstances, a guy can hardly be expected to remember one of the many women he got no response from months previously. Based on most people's testimony, a guy must contact a hundred or more women to get enough responses that one might lead to a relationship... so a guy who is serious is gonna have to contact a lot of women, and yet you (and possibly other women) take this as a sign that he is not serious. Catch-22, isn't it?
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:19:15 PM | {Well, there have to be some assumptions made as to the specifics, but I can think of a circumstance in which that is not correct. Suppose there was little progress from the first contact, if any. Now, let there be a few months after that first contact, as well as a profile change on the woman's part.}
Well that would be true if that was the case , but I find hard to believe that if a man contacts you three times in one day, and then the next forgets he talked to you and asks you all the same things again. Then another day goes by he winks likes it was the first time he ever spoke to you... NOW that is someone who is not serious. Think about it... !!! | |
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| Desensitized -- VS -- Making the connection :-P
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:12:04 PM |
Well that would be true if that was the case , but I find hard to believe that if a man contacts you three times in one day, and then the next forgets he talked to you and asks you all the same things again. Then another day goes by he winks likes it was the first time he ever spoke to you... NOW that is someone who is not serious.
Okay, in that much more limited than your first suggested scenario, yes, it does sound like someone who's either not serious, or has serious memory problems. Did you ask to make sure Alzheimer's wasn't to blame? | |
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