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| | Would you nurse your cheating partner?Page 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | Disturbing story here. I had heard from my brother how his next door neighbour, who is 25yrs old, married to a very attractive 24yr old woman, and they have an 11month old baby. Two weeks ago the man goes on a weekend gettaway with the boys, has a freak accident, smashes his head off a rock while falling off the golf cart, and had a very bad internal bleed of the brain. The outcome was that if he survived the surgery, he would have to re-learn everything he has learnt since he was a baby. The wife was distraught. Newly wed, a young baby together. She was devastated.
So I called this evening to see how everything was going. It turns out, the wife has been looking through her husbands cell phone, she found many messages to and from this other woman. Sexual texts, "I love you" texts. So she called the number a few times (hanging up each time) and another woman answered. Eventually she spoke to this woman, and it turns out she is a 21 year old that works with the husband, and yes they were in fact having an affair.
She hasn't been to the hospital in four days. Since she found out!
I have mixed emotions. I'm so upset for the sake of this family, and this young woman, and this beautiful little baby.
Now I feel anger. How could he have done this to her?
So, my question is, if you were in this situation, would you walk away? Of would you put the next fifty years into this man, helping him live again. Devoting all this time to getting him better, after knowing what he's done?
What if you spent the next fifteen years re-habilitating him, only to find out he had once had an affair?
What is the proper thing to do here? | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/17/2008 10:52:42 PM | | Now this is a hard one to answer. What would I do I dont really know- does he have family around I would expect them to help with him and I would let them know what he has done. Would I divorce him thats a hard ? I think I would wait and see what he is like after some recovery time ie has his personality changed, is he totally dependant, does he even remember- very hard for the young wife. I wish her the strength to deal with whats to come over the next few months/years. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/17/2008 10:59:17 PM | I would walk away from him. Knowing for sure that before he got into
that situation he was having sex with another woman and exchanging
words... such as... I LOVE YOU!
Ha! Why should I give him my time, that he was devoting to someone
else. I know what it takes to take care of someone like that. She would
have to give up everything she knows to nurse him back to health. So
what? He could do it again?
Now you answer to yourself how you feel.... | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/17/2008 10:59:50 PM | Hmmm... I wonder how many cheaters actually contemplate something like this situation happening to them?
I think it's pretty safe for the young wife to be pretty sure he was cheating under these circumstances... And I think that cheating pretty much negates the "in sickness and in health... forever" stuff... I would imagine she is probably reeling with all of the trauma and with a baby to care for, life as she knew it, has turned to hell...
I don't think she has any duty to be there but if she is still in love with him, well... who knows whether or not her love is big enough to survive all of this?
I really can't decide what I would do... Knowing me, I'd probably hang in there for him, but I'd be mad as hell... | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/17/2008 11:03:01 PM | | Well i think that freak accident is karmas way of coming around to bite him in the ass. He obviously didnt care much at all for his wife or he wouldnt have been cheating on her in the first palce. If it was me, for sure i would leave, i wouldnt take care of that person at all. Let his family deal with the situation. This might sound mean but chances are if he has to relearn everything, he probably won't even remember that he has a wife, so it would be her chance to get out and be done with it. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/17/2008 11:33:02 PM | This sounds like a convoluted movie plot.
Karma happens.
I wouldn't blame your friend if she left. Serves him right.
Better leave now than languish longer, I say. Life is valuable. We only have a limited amount to us. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:00:43 AM | | This is an awful one OP. On the one hand the man doesn't deserve her devotion, on the other, if she loves him he is no different from a lost and defenceless child now. I'd say it depends on how much she loves him, and whether she can forgive him based solely on his current circumstances. I'm not sure I could be that giving, but if she decides to stand by him then the best thing you can do is be there to support her whatever her decision. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:05:55 AM | | I'd leave him in a heartbeat if he was healthy, so i can't see one single reason to stand by him because he has a brain injury. Why on earth would i sacrifice the rest of my life for a cheating scumbag. So no way in hell would i nurse a cheating partner if i was in that situation.. Let the woman he was cheating with take on the responsibility. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:12:16 AM | There was a movie similar to this called "Regarding Henry." Harrison Ford plays a guy who was a soulless corporate lawyer, a filanderer and all around douchebag. He was buying smokes and a crook holds up the store. Before leaving, the guy shoots Henry in the head causing brain damage.
Like in the OPs post, Henry has to relearn everything. His wife and his personal care worker teach him how to function. He forgot a lot about things in his personal life before the robbery and he's a little shocked to find out what kind of man he was.
In the end, his wife's love helped him to connect to the good things of life and became a better person for it.
I'm not saying the same thing will happen, but sometimes the universe will give us an opportunity to "do over." Regardless of the man he was, the man he is needs compassion and care.
How many bad decisions in our lives can we make before we're disqualified from humanity? | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:13:10 AM | A very wise friend of mine once told me...
"It's one thing to leave a cheating, lying, alcoholic husband...then you are SMART. It's another to leave a cheating, lying, alcoholic, dying husband...then you are CRUEL."
I think it depends on what matters to YOU. Are you concerned with how others might perceive you? And with a young child....what will they think if they later hear you "abandoned" their father in his most dire moment?
And then you have the whole "him not being able to defend himself" thing.
And still, maybe it is karma??
Hard choices...me personally...if everything was wonderful up to that revealing moment, my loyalties would probably win out. If not...I would leave. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:20:05 AM | | Much like a family member who crashes the family car while driving drunk and is hospitalized. I would ask his family members to help out as much as they can with him....because it places a great burden on the wife to tend to a new baby and tend to him too. I would ship him to a rehab facility for a while until he is stable enough to maintian himself. Find a job that supports myself and my child ....and file for divorce. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:41:44 AM |
In the end, his wife's love helped him to connect to the good things of life and became a better person for it.
I'm not saying the same thing will happen, but sometimes the universe will give us an opportunity to "do over." Regardless of the man he was, the man he is needs compassion and care.
I agree. He isn't the same man now as he was before this happened. It's up to her to decide if she can forgive what he did. If she truly loves him then I think somewhere in her heart she will still want to help him. If this hadn't happened and she had found out about the cheating then she definitely should have left him, but this changes the situation. I don't think anyone would blame her for leaving him, but I don't think anyone should blame her if she decides to stick by him either. To my mind, it would only show the true strength of her love and compassion. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:44:21 AM | | This may make me look cold, but yes I would walk away. He made his own bed so now he should lie in it. Perhaps his whore can nurse him back to health? | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:51:54 AM | Wow.
Tragedy in two different forms, which is a lot to take in at once. I can't imagine bearing that burden, but would offer the following comments & advice:
1) They have a kid together, and a parent's responsibility is to do what is best for the child. Scumbag aside, the child's father is laid up for quite some time. I sincerely doubt he'll be doing any cheating or the like.
2) Based on that, I think the mother should check insurance, etc for some arranged care for the father when he is rehabilitated to the extent that he is ready to learn things again. The weight of the affair is too much to handle when the wife can't even get a rational answer (if there was one) or apology, etc from her husband. The child is too young to understand or recognize (if the father is recognizable) what is going on, so pulling away now is less painful for the child anyway.
3) It is highly likely that this man will not be fulfilling her needs ever again. As selfish as that sounds, had he not broken their marriage vow I would think maybe she should put in extra effort for his care, but still move on from the marriage. In this case, however, she may not ever get her answers (he likely won't remember any of it, and if he does, they'll be 50).
4) Consider that she is now an acting single mother with two persons whom she must care for. Realistically, having a child alone is a lot to bear but given the circumstances, I doubt she could handle both caretaking responsibilities without giving up everything. To do that for a man who has broken their marriage vow, and hurt a family, not just his wife, isn not fair to her.
5) Keep in mind that people make mistakes, and perhaps karma had a sick way of getting the man back, but it's safe to say he'll never be the same again. As for the wife, she's been dealt an unlucky hand and in reality, lost her husband in two different ways. Absolutely devastating.
So, my question is, if you were in this situation, would you walk away? Of would you put the next fifty years into this man, helping him live again. Devoting all this time to getting him better, after knowing what he's done? I would walk away, but carefully & responsibly. By that I mean, put aside the anger & hurt of the affair, set up a life plan for him to be rehabilitated, and keep in contact enough that when he is back he can know he has a child, etc. Maybe writing a heartfelt letter (throw out the first 5 copies for sure!) to her husband for when he comes to and as years progress so he can know what happened would be a smart move. That letter should include the affair, accident, child, etc. Continue to write these letters monthly and save to send him, being honest but tactful. Let him know where/how he can contact his 15/16 year old at that point, etc. Also explain that the hurt of the affair without the ability to reconcile was too much to bear but that out of love care was taken or whatever turns out to be the case. By that point, I'd assume this woman can heal & move on using writing as therapy, while the ex gets the care he needs. (assuming that is something that would work for her--this is only one method that worked best for me in a divorce, I just didn't send the letters). I am not sure if she can file for divorce in this situation since the husband can't sign off on it, but with any luck there might be something she can work out. Even if it is just to have a life of her own and date, she should do that. In the meantime, she could focus on how to build a support network to help her raise her baby, etc. Family, moving closer to friends/family, etc. What if you spent the next fifteen years re-habilitating him, only to find out he had once had an affair? While wedding vows state "for better or worse" I could argue both sides even if she didn't find out he'd had an affair initially. Marriage is not 50/50, or 100/0, it is 100/100. How can a mother of a young child manage that kind of care? Love is powerful, but at the same time, even after 15 years, would this man be capable of being there for her for 15 years? Should she have to take that chance? What is the proper thing to do here? Proper is subjective in a situation like this. There is no "What to do if your husband was having an affair and suddenly becomes braindead requiring long-term care for dummies" handbook. In reality, the man may be breathing still, but the marriage is dead. Cold & harsh, but true. Even if this man were a golden retriever to his wife, it wouldn't change the fact that he can't be there for her as she will be for him for at least 15 years, can't be a father to his child, and there is still the risk he never will be. I feel for her. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:53:28 AM | | I think Harley cat may have something right. I think i would take care of him but I would also persue another relationship. I would provide, help and love as a freind but I wouldn't be able to consider him as the man I married. I think to get a divorce but, stay and take care of him would be the right thing to do; have a platonic relationship, I mean it shouldn't be too hard. That is the best I can come up with. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:53:36 AM | If this is true, then he isn't the man she fell in love with.
Possibly not, but that doesn't necessarily mean she won't still love him. Everyone changes, it's up to each individual how much of a change they can take in a person and still love them. I'm not suggesting she should feel obliged to care for him, merely if her love is that strong, she might not be able to turn her back on him, and her friend should try to understand that should it come to it. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 2:04:28 AM |
I would tell his girlfriend to look after him while I looked after the child
What she said.
This woman is still young. She did nothing to deserve this. She has a life to live. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 2:17:20 AM | This reminds me of a couple I worked for many years ago when I was living in England. My girlfriend and I had been hired as cook and driver to this elderly couple (we were both backpackers).
About five years earlier - they would have been in their late 60s when we worked for them, which seemed ancient at the time - he had left her for her best friend. About a month later, he had a debilitating stroke, which left him wheelchair-bound and able to say about four words.
The girlfriend disappeared and the wife took him home. But payback's a ****, let me tell you. She hated him.
She nursed him, made sure he was fed and clothed and kept warm, but virtually ignored him and, if she did speak to him, it was with utter contempt.
He couldn't retaliate. He couldn't move out. He was stuck there, at her mercy, for the rest of his days....we didn't stay long there, let me tell you! It was horrible.. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 2:18:49 AM |
She did nothing to deserve this.
We don't know that. We don't know ANYTHING about the situation except they have a child, he cheated, and he got hurt. For all we know she's some alcoholic who was out every night, and who knows what he may have to have dealt with.
That's besides the point in my opinion, though. He's the father of her child, this could bring them closer together than any marriage could, and I just don't believe in leaving someone when they are hurt or sick - you just may find yourself in that situation yourself some day. Yeah, I'm the guy who always posts about what kind of filth a cheater is, but this situation is different. | |
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~Kyn~
| | Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 22 | |
| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 2:54:55 AM | Would you nurse your cheating partner?
No
I'd leave him in a heartbeat if he was healthy, so i can't see one single reason to stand by him because he has a brain injury.
Same decision here.
There was a movie similar to this called "Regarding Henry." Harrison Ford plays a guy who was a soulless corporate lawyer, a filanderer and all around douchebag.
In the end, his wife's love helped him to connect to the good things of life and became a better person for it.
What you neglected to mention is...the wife was also having an affair...they were as "guilty" as one another.
I'm my own harshest critic...but...
...in a situation like this...I may deeply regret having to actually make the decision...
... but I accept absolutely no guilt for the fact that I would...and Id have to leave the man.
I'd obviously make sure the guy was "set up"...but I wouldnt blink an eye in reconciling my actions...
I can walk away and eventually forgive the guy for what he did but ...
I'd definately never forgive either him or myself... if I stayed.
Healthy or not. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:06:07 AM | Boy OP-this is a good thread...very deep and really makes one have to think!
Many different avenues could be explored. Yet, one of those, "what comes around, goes around" situations. Karma as you will.
No, I would not invest the time to care for him and help him through his rehabilitation. He cheated and by doing so wasn't caring about me, so I wouldn't invest all that time caring for him.
I feel bad for him though-a very unfortunate accident, but he doesn't deserve his wifes loving devotion. Let his girl friend tend to him...however, I highly doubt she'll stick around too long! | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:15:25 AM | | You know what? Let the 21 year old who thought it was sooooo cool to screw around with a married father of an 11 month old spend the next 15 years rehabilitating him. Since she "loves" him and everything. | |
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| Would you nurse your cheating partner?
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:17:28 AM | | Silken Fire, I agree with you. "In sickness and in health" is trumped by "Forsaking all others." At least in my mind it would be. | |
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