| | At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?Page 1 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | I went out with a man that seemed fairly nice, has been divorced for 2+ years, but mentioned in passing that his 9 year old daughter never uses her bed. She sleeps with him every night. He has her alone every weekend. This gave me the heeby-jeebies. While there is probably nothing bad going on, I still wonder if that isn't a tad old to be sleeping with her father. He mentioned he hasn't even bought her a bed in his 3 bedroom house because she said she didn't want one. Does anyone else think this might raise some red flags? | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:34:08 AM | | Wow. I definitely wouldnt think that anything was going on... but perhaps a few other issues like lonelyness or a lack of discipline for his child? Cant tell her "no"? He has to understand that his child needs to learn to sleep in her own bed at sometime... should have been VERY shortly after his divorce. Just my opinion... :-) My daughter was the same age (7) when I got divorced and she probably only slept with me when she was in a new place like when I bought a new house. If she was ever scared I would sleep with her in HER bed so that I could get up at some point and sleep in my own bed. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:53:07 AM | My daughter is 10 and has her own room. But she has crawled into bed with me at least once a week since she got out of the crib at 2.
I hate to see a loving Daddy be labeled or accused but the little girl is probably become accustomed to it over the years and he probably loves having her near. But he should make an effort to help her pick out some furniture and decorate her big girl room, it's definately time. If you to continue to see him and meet her, you might purchase a Kitty or Puppy poster to hang in 'her' room. Little things like that are sometimes all it really takes in order to change.
I would discuss it very gently with him.
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:54:53 AM | IMO, the only red flag it raises is the fact that he cares about his daughter, but doesn't have the knowledge and/or abilty to do what is ultimately best for her.
I kept custody of my kids when I got divorced in '91. My daughter was 4 and there was a period of time when she felt insecure about the situation and would sneak into my room at night & climb into my bed. I spoke with a psychologist and we worked on first allowing her to be in my room, but sleeping on the floor. After a week of that, I just started making her stay in her own room, while assuring her that I would ALWAYS be there for her if she needed me. It didn't take long for her to feel secure and things were fine after that. However, she was FOUR and not NINE!
IMO, for whatever reason (guilt or just a lack of understanding the situation & consequences) the guy probably thinks he's making his daughter feel better and more secure, when in actuality, he's doing her more harm than good - he just doesn't see it that way. Yes, it's kind of "creepy" and isn't the right/healthy thing, but I seriously doubt that there's anything sexual about it - if that's your concern?
Depending on how you feel about the guy, you might want to ask him (POLITELY & DELICATELY) why he allows this. Maybe suggest that it would be better for her emotional stability if he didn't allow it. Maybe ask if he's willing to talk to a professional about it and get their opinion/advice. Again, don't approach it with him from the "creepy" aspect, but rather, from the aspect of concern and care for everyone's overall emotional health & well-being. If he has no bed for her, they could make it kind of a fun event to go shopping together for "a new bed of her very own!" She could get to pick out some really cool sheets & blankets that she likes. In general, trying to get her excited about the whole idea and at the same time, making it clear that he does love & care about her and will ALWAYS be there for her. | |
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amg72
| | Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 6 | |
| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:11:55 AM | Hmmm tough one because I know plenty of divorced fathers that bed share with multiple young children because in one bedroom place now, etc. However most of them move to couch or would prefer for them to have their own room, they just can't financially afford it at this time.
I don't think it is creepy per se, but I also don't think it is healthy either. My nine year old begs to sleep with me several times a week including last night and the answer is simply no. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:46:38 AM | | he might have some boundary issues. clearly a 9 year old should be sleeping in her own room and own bed. i may be more understanding if they are in an efficiency and can't afford it but even that i would be sleeping on the floor while my kid would be sleeping on a pull out couch. i would proceed cautiously. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:50:03 AM | I actuallyyears ago lived with a guy who had 2 girls . When they came to visit they expected him to get out of our bed and go sleep in their room and he DID this . It hurt me and I felt it was ridiculous that he didn't say NO I sleep in my bedroom and you sleep in yours . He allowed them to set the rules any time they were there and they would be there ALL summer SO it wore me down. They also would tell me I was not their boss while he was at work , when id tell them to clean their room. They also would say they wish id go somewhere when they came to visit so it would just be them and him , and he would be sitting right there and NOT say anything . Needless to say I asked him to move out and take him and his kids to his mom's. I figured if every summer they were going to boss the house rules and him sleep with them in their room Why where we really together .
OP its a major red flag to me and I would speak to him about it ask what happens when you guys do get closer and perhaps you are there when she is what happens you sleep on the couch ? Id remind him nows the time to gently get her in her own room where she should be . | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:52:24 AM | | I am sure when my daughters get scared at night they may crawl in bed with their father when they are at his place, but to sleep there everynight they are with him and not have their own bed would not be OK with me. I also believe child services would have issues with it. Don't get me wrong, I am not accusing him of anything, but I do believe a child is suppose to have a place to sleep that is not with the opposite sex. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:07:59 AM | For me it was only a temporary thing from years five to six. The only problem I had with it was the continual kicks and punches to my face, so I never had a good night's rest. Then I created the wall of pillows... still didn't stop a body slam from waking me up.
However, the time must come where this parent sets the boundary. So even at age five, I let her know that this was only going to happen for a little while. She is still a person and needs to be able to develop on her own and with my guidance. Thus, her not wanting her own bed was a non-issue because that wasn't going to happen, though it was fun for the time being.
It sucks you got the heebie-jeebies when he said it. Personally, I would have explored the issue further and "planted the seed" by hinting he should/could/must go buy her a bed and set up the room. If she doesn't go, then there may be a problem with her that Dad doesn't quite get yet with her. He's still the boss though. Adjustment may be hard at first, but kids normally come around. Reinforcing the habit is not favourable.
I sincerely hope he's not the one with the problem. If so, you're red flag raising is a good indication that he may not be of the right mind. In any case, there's likely oodles of literature explaining this. If I could only find my Dad's and Daughters book.... | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:13:24 AM | | I wouldn't jump to any conclusions however if he has a 3 bedroom house then she should have her own room or at least be able to share with a sister. If after having her own bed she still insists on sleeping with him then it changes the scope of the issue and she may be suffering from some form of separation anxiety stemming from the divorce? Don't know but it could be worth looking into. If he simply refuses to get her a bed then some other questions start to form......like where does she keep her clothes and get dressed? | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:25:08 AM | | All kids of varying ages need reassurance sometimes so I don't see anything wrong with sometimes sleeping with the parent(s) regardless of ages or genders. However, I don't buy into the whole "attachment parenting" thing and IMHO it is not a positive thing to allow the child to sleep with the parent(s) as a habit or living arrangement. Everyone needs their own space. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:27:51 AM | | She has her own room, there just is no bed in it. He bought his son a bed and he has his own room. I offered to give him one of my daughter's beds (she's in college) and he said he didn't need it because they "share." I thought at first it might be money, but he wasn't interested at all in getting her a bed. The fact that he did buy one for his 14 year old son (who doesn't stay with him every weekend) is what made me really think it was strange. This little girl is already a little "developed" and it just seems really strange. I don't think there's anything going on and I would never involve social services or anything, but I just think the boundaries are being crossed a bit. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:54:58 AM |
IMO, the only red flag it raises is the fact that he cares about his daughter, but doesn't have the knowledge and/or abilty to do what is ultimately best for her.
I completely agree with the opinion and advice given in message 5. Nicely said.  | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:20:38 PM | | When a child enters school is the age that they should be sleeping in their own bed nightly. Of course there are going to be times when they crawl in with mom, dad, or both. You might want to ask him how she is going to grow up if she doesn't get used to sleeping in her own bed. If you two decide to move to the next level, spending the night might be involved and the daughter should get accustomed to sleeping on her own. You don't want to end up with jealousy from the daughter when and if you two do sleep together. The daughter may get it set in her mind that she sleeps with him period and no one else can. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:52:56 PM |
Of course there are going to be times when they crawl in with mom, dad, or both.
Yes, of course. But from what I've read, this is acceptable only if you eventually lead them back to their bed and get them settled in there, not if they spend the rest of the night with the parents.
Sorry I can't quote my source, my brain is like a sieve today. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:03:39 PM | | The fact that there is no bed in her bedroom and he has turned down free furniture while obtaining a bed for the male child seems VERY strange to me as well. As you said, I don't know that I would involve social services at this point but (if you feel comfortable doing so) you might point out to him how this *could* be perceived by others. Nothing may be happening *physically* but I'm concerned about WTH is going on in his head. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:11:21 PM | msg 19
In this town , there's 55 yr old guys waiting for Mommy to die to get their pensions , pretending to be caring and so on .. beware .. .
Huh!? How is THIS relative to the thread??
msg 13
All kids of varying ages need reassurance sometimes so I don't see anything wrong with sometimes sleeping with the parent(s) regardless of ages or genders.
well , you have to read every post ... | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:31:53 PM |
msg 19
In this town , there's 55 yr old guys waiting for Mommy to die to get their pensions , pretending to be caring and so on .. beware .. .
Huh!? How is THIS relative to the thread??
msg 13
All kids of varying ages need reassurance sometimes so I don't see anything wrong with sometimes sleeping with the parent(s) regardless of ages or genders.
well , you have to read every post ...
I'm sorry here untamed one but I need some more bread crumbs to find my way through this logic. How does any of this correlate to the original question about a 9 year old girl and her father? | |
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btj_rv
| | Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 23 | |
| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:32:15 PM |
Does anyone else think this might raise some red flags?
I'd have to consider it within context. There could be a reason for it. Some cultures bond differently and are later bloomers. I would think there is an issue if he is having sex with her and she got preg. This would also be considered criminal in the US. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:45:18 PM | no prob , i'll illustrate it further for the blind ,
msg 19
In this town , there's 55 yr old guys waiting for Mommy to die to get their pensions , pretending to be caring and so on .. beware .. .
Huh!? How is THIS relative to the thread??
msg 13
All kids of varying ages need reassurance sometimes so I don't see anything wrong with sometimes sleeping with the parent(s) regardless of ages or genders.
well , you have to read every post ...
I'm sorry here untamed one but I need some more bread crumbs to find my way through this logic. How does any of this correlate to the original question about a 9 year old girl and her father?
msg 12
If he simply refuses to get her a bed then some other questions start to form......like where does she keep her clothes and get dressed? here's a few bread crumbs .. at what age is sleeping with your offspring ok or not ok , 9 , 12 , 55 ? | |
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