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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.      Home login  
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 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 1
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I know all the great advice here applies to my own situation but I'm hoping that just writing it down will help me do some releasing.

8 years ago I met a wonderful, amazing woman...we were both divorced and had children.
We were happy in every way except we had difficulty blending our families.
My ex-wife decided to use our kids as a weapon against me in that area, you know, “look kids, your Dad doesn’t love you....he’s got a new family”....that sort of thing.

This ultimately ended with her moving out about two years ago....she moved out but we remained friends, in fact over the last two years we became BEST friends.

We were there for each other in every way...there was no sex between us during those two years but our friendship was so strong it didn’t matter.

Of course I knew this would end when one of us met someone....she did...and it has.

After 3 days of talking and crying we mutually decided we had to break contact...I asked for one more chance as a couple but she was ready to move on.

Its been 4 days and I never have felt such an aching sadness in all my life....I lost my best friend in the blink of an eye.
I knew the kind of relationship we had would eventually change but I never thought we’d be out of each others lives completely.

This feels like it will be years to get over....I’ve cried more this week than I have in my entire life....I can't believe loosing her friendship has been so much more devastating than when we broke as a "couple"

I know staying busy and time are the only answers...I know this had to happen and ultimately will be a good thing, but that’s so little consolation right now.
 tru218
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 2
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:21:35 PM
You will get throught this...I just hope next time you don't move another woman with children into your house unless you are married. Those poor kids, yours and hers. I am MUCH more concerned about how this has affected them...think about them next time.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 3
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:25:41 PM
I understand folkcarver.

Five years ago my wife felt it was time to be on her own - we were married seventeen years. My mom got promoted from #2 friend to #1 friend. Eighteen months later she died. From ok to gone in six weeks.

My ex moved and called me often. Would come over some and ...... you know.

After three years of that I had to kill the contact. I just could not stay in contact with her.

I could pick up the phone right now and we would talk for hours. But I don’t do it.

It is indeed hard to say goodbye when both people really really like each other.

All you can do ... is keep going.

I went from married - kids - mom - her family to ............. being almost totally alone in the world .......... overnight.

I also work from a home office and never see anyone.

I got out while ago on my motorcycle and got a big cup of coffee and just people watched for a bit.

Just keep going ............
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 4
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:27:17 PM
Carver I am so very sorry you are going through this painful time.

Sometimes what seems gone forever, may not really be.

Please cry, and grieve, and feel the loss. However at the same time, remember all those things the two of you shared, and did together. They are never gone, and even though at this moment in time, you two have decided no contact is the best thing.

Life changes, and we never know what is around the corner...Meaning, someone you didn't know existed, that will be the complete icing on your cake. That is the time to look towards, while you allow yourself to grieve.

Funny thing about grieving is that if you plan to make it a long painful one, it will be. However I personally have found that if I take and create a certain time of the day, when I can carve out the time to grieve, I then make sure that the rest of the day is for what I want and need to do.

Anytime the thoughts I have pop up, I remind myself that at 8PM, til 8:30, I have all that time to completely focus on my grief, and misery. Sooner than later, I find myself sick to death of that time, and cut the time down to 15 minutes, and before I know it, I don't need it at all.

After that from time to time I may feel some lamenting of this and that, but I replace those with, that was THAT TIME, now there is something new that I am working towards.

If I had a magic wand to wave for every broken heart, I would, but as you said there isn't one. So, the next best thing is to try and limit your grieving time, so you aren't miserable the entire day. AND don't forget to take care of you, and do things that are good for you.

Get that boat, or motorcycle, or trip to Greece you always said you were going to do, but didn't because of what ever.

Change is hard, and knowing someone you loved beyond belief has had to move on is so painful, and I am sorry you have to go through it, but it does pass. One thing that can never be taken away is the good things you remember, and those are treasures worth keeping within your soul.

Good luck
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 5
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:30:08 PM
I'm very sorry, I wish you peace.
 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 6
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:31:29 PM
I know....it was bad.
When my kids became teens they moved out of their Moms and in with me. My oldest is now in college and the other will be a senior in hs.
I've talked with them alot abot EVERTHING....I'm just glad they got out of my ex's house
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 7
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:35:19 PM
OP - you mentioned kids. Well my ex-wife had two little girls when we got married. Twenty four years later ......... I still have two daughters.

I read this just the other day.

“I rich man is he who’s kids run into his arms when they are empty.”
 evolving62
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 8
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:39:56 PM
I know what you're going through and you have my sympathy. My ex wife and I were the best of friends outside the marriage too, but I had to cut all contact in the end because it became too painfull to see her on a regular basis ,and the thought of her being with another guy was something I just did'nt want to know about. You're right about it taking time, that's about the only thing that will make you get over this. And while you will never forget her, you will feel better eventually. All the best.
 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 9
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:40:32 PM
[quote}Change is hard, and knowing someone you loved beyond belief has had to move on is so painful

Thats exactly it...it was beyond belief how much I loved her....it ended so fast I'm just reeling!
 actualizing
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 10
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:41:37 PM
I'm sorry for your pain Folkcarver. You should not regret one little thing. You shouldn't. You did the best you could do and you still are doing that. Good for you that you allow yourself to cry and tell people you are sad and hurt. Everyone here has been through what you are going through. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Peace to you.
 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 11
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:49:04 PM
Thank you everyone for such an immediate response.
I have a good friend who lives about 50 miles away and I don't want him to get sick of me going on and on about this so to have access to so many people who have suffered through something like this is a God send!
 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 12
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:00:56 PM
Ron9........"totally alone in the world overnight".......thats just how it felt. I'm in a small isolated town, work from my home studio.
I made the mistake of becoming so dependent on her emotionally and socially....arrrghhhh.
 Sweethang100
Joined: 4/22/2005
Msg: 13
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:08:17 PM
You really don't have to give up that friendship, if you don't want to, believe it or not. Let me tell you a little story. I have a best friend that is male. At one point, we were dating. I broke it off, and he is dating someone else, now. However, we still communicate, and we still see each other, as friends. We both understand that it's not something either of us will give up for someone else. That's a choice we've made. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't take it any further than friendship. You can agree to do this, if you handle it maturely. It's up to you, and ultimately, the other person in her life.
 psy-5
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 14
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:16:58 PM
I hate to be blunt but we all have rought times. What about your kids? You need to pull yourself together & be there for them. They have the rest of their lives to remember dysfunction, disaster at home...Their lives are being traumatized. Get counselling for yourself & the kids. Please ...
 jinkee
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 15
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:22:28 PM
I cried my heart out when I read your column. I felt the pain that is hidden inside me. I realized that men can get hurt as much as women do. You will alright, believe in balance.
 Sweethang100
Joined: 4/22/2005
Msg: 16
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:25:30 PM
Op said his kids are older, runner. His kids are in college and H.S. He also said his relationship has been over for several years, already. I highly doubt his kid's lives are being traumatized, at this point in time. 'He's' retained the relationship with the ex, and is losing that relationship, currently. The kids haven't lost it, though.
 Thunderstorms62
Joined: 12/11/2004
Msg: 17
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:31:06 PM
Peace be unto you brother.
 virgilskid
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 18
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:51:13 PM
Hey folkcarver, one of your homeboys here, from just outside of Cedar Rapids. You have my sympathy, I know what smalltown Iowa living is like, and you are heading into the worst time of year for this to happen. Hopefully you will have your kids around for the holidays, after the holidays, when the lights and decorations come down and it's 0 degrees outside, ugh. There is the biggest reason for me being in Florida. And you are right, the dating pool around Walnut isn't even deep enough to get wet in. Take care of yourself, concentrate on the kids and hobbies, get a couple Dr Phil books if you must but stay occupied through the winter and come out better in the spring. Once your son graduates maybe you can move to a bigger town/city and have a better time, start off fresh, meet someone (or more) new and make memories for the next stage of your life.

I generally don't stay in contact with ex girlfriends because of these situations. New boyfriends and girlfriends can be jealous, sometimes rightly so, and if the ex has to choose between her new guy or causing a rift in her new relationship by being my friend, chances are she will choose the new guy. Does you no good now, and being in a small town you are bound to run into exes anyway, it's rough. Sounds like you never really fell out of love with her either, so even though you didn't have sex these past two years she was more than a best friend to you. Take care of yourself man.
 corsetsme
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 19
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:54:27 PM
my friend...i am not sure exactly why but your post has touched my heart....i once was and still am in a sort of a way standing in your shoes...i know you do not believe it at this time but you will grow stronger with each day....feel free to e-maill me if you need someone to talk to.....
 guyforyou5
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 20
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:14:18 PM
I know how you feel and I know what a terrible feeling it is. When you are still in love with someone romantically, friendship never works, it never has, and never will. There are no exceptions.....it had to end this way. You have to be honest with yourself. It is not friendship with her that you miss. You are still in love with her. No contact was inevitable once she met someone new. There is no other way. She has moved on and you are, sadly, now forced to move on yourself. I know the pain you are feeling. I am still feeling that same pain, myself.

I wish you strength, and hope your pain lessons soon. I know it takes a long time, unfortunately. Hang in there, and remember that no contact is the only way to begin to recover.

Good luck.
 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 21
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/20/2008 1:55:43 AM

His kids are in college and H.S. He also said his relationship has been over for several years, already. I highly doubt his kid's lives are being traumatized, at this point in time


Thats correct.....my kids are much older now and I made sure I stayed close after my divorce so I could see them daily and be there when they needed to escape their verbally abusive Mother.
 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 22
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/20/2008 2:16:03 AM

I know how you feel and I know what a terrible feeling it is. When you are still in love with someone romantically, friendship never works, it never has, and never will. There are no exceptions.....it had to end this way. You have to be honest with yourself. It is not friendship with her that you miss. You are still in love with her. No contact was inevitable once she met someone new. There is no other way. She has moved on and you are, sadly, now forced to move on yourself. I know the pain you are feeling. I am still feeling that same pain, myself



I am still in love with her......I had the fantasy that our friendship would come full circle and we'd be back as a couple again eventually.
Over the last 2 years we joked about how neither of us would find anyone new because we hung out every single day.

So...yeah.....there is no other way....no contact...i stayed up tonight and deleted all her emails, threw away cards, letters, photos.

The scary thing is I know if she did contact me for some reaon right now and wanted to continue our "friendship"...as unhealthy as it would be....I'd take her back in a second.

Thank you again everyone....I had no idea this kind of pain existed.
 Loz Hunter
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 23
Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/20/2008 3:23:24 AM
Sorry missed the question?

What is it you need for the forum - or is this a feel sorry for you post which is not allowed - you naughty man :modhammer:

But when will people learn:

YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS you were clearly using her for everything in a relationship but the good bits, naughty naughty man

Well she needed someone to love her and care for her, not just a person to join two packs of kids together and be there for a man who clearly didn't love her at all, used her as a convenience while he sorted his baggage (the ex wife stating the rules) wtf

Why, if you loved this lady like you said, didn't you tell the ex to bugger off back to her world and ask the best mate to make it permanent with you, cuddles and love is what this life is about - AND BEING MADE FIRST IN SOMEONES LIFE.

That is where she is now, first on someones list, lucky lady.

Shape up mate and sort yourself out the ex wife OR A NEW LIFE your choice.
 folkartist52
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 24
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/20/2008 4:44:30 AM

Sorry missed the question?

What is it you need for the forum - or is this a feel sorry for you post which is not allowed - you naughty man :modhammer:

But when will people learn:

YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS you were clearly using her for everything in a relationship but the good bits, naughty naughty man

Well she needed someone to love her and care for her, not just a person to join two packs of kids together and be there for a man who clearly didn't love her at all, used her as a convenience while he sorted his baggage (the ex wife stating the rules) wtf

Why, if you loved this lady like you said, didn't you tell the ex to bugger off back to her world and ask the best mate to make it permanent with you, cuddles and love is what this life is about - AND BEING MADE FIRST IN SOMEONES LIFE.


You're interpretation of the relationship is so incorrect but I don't have the energy or desire to correct it.

As far as a question?.... how about this.... after going through a painful break up why would anyone ever want to risk the possibility of going through it again?
 oneof the guys
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 25
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Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too.
Posted: 9/20/2008 5:18:19 AM
I don't agree with moving her and her family in with you, but lord knows we don't always make all the right moves or we wouldn't be here on fish looking for someone or asking advise from all the "armchair psychologist"

I can understand you missing the friend part. After 30 years I lost the very best friend I ever had. good luck to you.
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