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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 10:22:09 AM | Sure-Fire Things That Have Actually Derailed a First Date
(10 different people, all on the first date and yes, it really happened…)
Number 1:
Her: “Have you ever really evaluated your relationship with God?”
Me: “Um, well, I guess. Why?”
Her: (Digging in her purse) “I think you should read these pamphlets…”
Number 2:
Her: “You know, those weren’t airplanes that crashed in the towers”
Me: “Really? Were you there, too?”
Her: “Oh no. I was in . Why, were you?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “No you weren’t!”
Me: “Yes I was. 1 WTC to be exact. Then I worked on the pile for 2 months.”
Her: “So! You are part of the cover-up too!”
Number 3:
Her: “Let’s get drunk!”
Me: “Um, I drove here. I don’t drink anything when I drive.”
Her: “I drive better when I’m drunk.”
Number 4:
Me: (Walking to the table in the restaurant) “Hi! I’m Joe. I’m really glad to meet you!”
Her: “Hi. I almost didn’t make it because…” (Proceeds to go into a 15-minute graphic account about her gynecologist visit)
Number 5:
Me: (waiting at the table at the meeting place)
Her: (walking in 30-minutes late) “Hi Joe!”
Me: (confused) “Um, Hi…do I know you?”
Her: “It’s , silly!”
Me: (beginning to understand) “Oh, um, hi there. Ah, please don’t take this the wrong way, but you look a bit different in person than you did in your pictures.”
Her: Oh, I know. They are a few years old. But I didn’t think it would matter when you met me in person.
Me: (Note to self: “Few” doesn’t mean 10 or more, “Body Type: Average” means your height should not be equal to or less than your width and just because Spandex might come in your size doesn’t mean it is a good idea to wear it.)
Number 6:
Her: (20-minutes late) “Hi. Sorry I’m late but I got stopped for speeding.”
Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you weren’t rushing just because of me.”
Her: “No, they just have it out for me! God! I hate f***ing cops!”
Me: “Um, OK.”
Her: “Wait, aren’t you sitting on a police motorcycle in your picture?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “Are you a cop?!”
Me: “Not really. I’m an instructor. I train them to ride.”
Her: “Good! Train them wrong so they f***ing die!”
Number 7:
Her: “So, who are you voting for?”
Me: “Well, I’m not really sure yet.” (A little white lie because politics, like religion, is something I don’t like to debate on the first date.)
Her: “Well, are you for the war?”
Me: “I’m not for any war…I…”
Her: (interrupting) “Good! Because the military is nothing more than criminals in uniform!”
Me: (sigh)
Her: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “I’m really uncomfortable talking about this subject.”
Her: “Why?”
Me: “Because, I’m a combat veteran and I’m a little offended by that comment.”
Her: “So how many people did you kill?!”
Number 8:
Her: “Are you spiritual?”
Me: “Yeah, I believe I am. I think what you do and how you act is the most important thing in life.”
Her: “No, I mean spiritual.”
Me: “Um, yeah, that’s what I was talking about. You know…taking interest and responsibility for you actions. Honor, integrity…things like that…right?”
Her: “No, I mean spiritual…like into spirits. Do you believe in them?
Me: “Well…I really don’t know. I never saw one if that is what you’re asking.”
Her: “I see them all the time. I can talk to them.”
Number 9:
Her: “So you really ride motorcycles and fly airplanes?”
Me: “Absolutely! I love them!”
Her: “So you have a death wish.”
Me: (chuckle) “No, not at all. They can be really safe if you are trained and respect the machine.”
Her: “No, I’m not kidding. I think you have a death wish.”
Me: “Oh. Well, I don’t. I take them very seriously.”
Her: “You have to stop. You are going to die.”
Me: “Um…you knew all this from our emails. Why did you want to meet on a date if I do things you don’t like?”
Her: “I think you’re a nice guy and I can change you.”
Number 10:
Me: (at home later that day…cell phone rings) “Hello?”
Her: “Joe, it’s . What’s the problem?”
Me: “What’s the problem? I thought that meeting at the MET for a date and then lunch afterward was a great idea...”
Her: “It was. Why did you leave so early?”
Me: “Um, because you brought your kids with you!”
Her: “So? They wanted to see the museum too!”
Me: “That’s fine. But I was under the impression that our first date would just be me and you.”
Her: “But you knew I had children and you said it wasn’t a problem for you!”
Me: “It isn’t a problem for me. Unless you bring all 3 of them along with you on our first date!”
Her: “Well a REAL man wouldn’t try to separate a mother from her children! Good bye!” | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 10:34:20 AM | I have one:
Me: "So have you dated many guys in college so far"
Her: "No, not really. I don't believe in sex before marriage so that kind of turns alot of guys off I guess"
Me: "Oh, well it's good to wait till you are ready" (Actually thinking: "Can I go now?") | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:01:53 AM |
You sure know how to pick them.
Hehe, it sure appears that way!
But it really isn’t the case. This was over the course of more than a year with the last one just a few weeks ago. It could be my own sense of humor, but I really do find it funny (though not as funny as my friends and family find it)! | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:15:20 AM | | Many years ago,way before the internet when you actually met people in person first before any dating happened(well,usually anyway),a man I had a few casual conversations with in passing asked me to dinner.I accepted.He seemed reasonable enough.Well,he showed up to dinner with a gash in his forehead,a black eye,and a chunk of hair missing from the side of his head!I was conflicted on weather to ask him what happened or play the "gee I don't see that "game as to not embarrass him.During dinner,I couldn't stand it anymore.I figured he would have gotten around to telling me what happened,but he didn't.So I asked.He told me he had an arguement with his ex girlfriend a day before and they "got into it".He happened to mention she was "still in the hospital".After dinner I think I told him I was planning on moving to Tibet in the morning to be a sheep farmer or something. | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:04:54 PM | Have you thought about sending out a pre-date questionnaire? ;-)
Great stories .. thanks for the laughs! | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:12:27 PM | Here's a couple:
(On the phone)
Her: I don't have sex on the first date so don't get any ideas!
Me: That's fine with me, I don't care.
Her: Good because I don't want you to think I am a sleeze or something.
Me: I understand, I'm fine with it.
(She shows up at my place)
Her: I stopped at the store and got some beer and condoms.
A date I met at a resteraunt... everything went ok and the check comes, I pick it up and she snatches it out of my hands...
Her: I'm taking care of this!
Me: No, that's ok. I got it.
Her: No way, I asked you out so I am paying the bill.
Me: No really, it's ok. I will get it. (try to take the bill back from her)
Her: NO, I GOT IT AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! (she pulls the bill away from me)
Me: Are you sure?
Her: Yes, I am sure.
Me: Ok then.
After she pays we get up and walk out... Now in the parking lot...
Her: This isn't going to work, don't call me or email me ever again.
Me: Ok... what's wrong?
Her: That was a test and you FAILED!!!
Me: What do you mean a test???
Her: You were supposed to pay no matter what it takes! You're a cheap skate!!!
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:21:50 PM | I thought the guy who made references to a woman he worked with as 'One of "them", if you know what I mean.' was bad! Or the guy who was 'technically still married' but 'it's ok' because they never actually 'lived together' because she wouldn't move to be close to his mother! Whoa! Back up the bus please!!
Keep on  | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:28:25 PM | Joe,
Your scenarios are well done & are a hoot... I felt like a fly-on-the-wall there for a short time. Its great to see that you haven't lost your sense of humor in the trenches...
And on a personal note (as the mother of a vet but one who will soon be sent back) - thank you for all that you endured in the military on behalf of your country & fellow countrymen/women. You are truly appreciated.
And here's to hoping you don't run into a #11 anytime soon!!
cata | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:34:23 PM |  ah man, loved them!
uh, i'm laughing *with* you... really...
HAhahahaha
thanks for sharing
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:40:42 PM | curious about how quickly between first online contact and that first date?
good luck | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:50:49 PM | Ok...I confess I had to do it... I had to post about one of my strangest dates this year.....
I got a realy good one that just happened on my birthday last month.
Met a guy, first date out, and he wanted to take me out for "steak" on my birthday.
I said ok, not much of a steak eater, and he said no problem, but lets go anyway. He didn't want me sitting at home on my birthday. So it didn't seem like a big deal at the time, and sounded like fun. We had talked numerous times on the phone, and he seemed like a good person.
He asked me where I would like to go...anywhere he said. So I told him the Mexican restraunt. He starts in about some gal he had dated and that is where she wanted to go. So then he starts gripping about having to eat tacos and beans. I assured him they had steak on the menu, but nope, it wasn't good enough. So we truck on down the road to somewhere he wants to go about 50 miles from my home. He saw a couple of people in the lot, he thought they were busy without even checking, then drives right on by. He then decides to go down the road about another 30 miles, sees no parking spot out front on the street, so you guessed it, gone again.
Then the guy decides to go back to this town eight miles south of where I live, but almost 60 from where we were. So he drives back,finds out they are closed and I even tried to tell him on the way there, they close at three on Saturdays.
So off we go again back towards the way we came. Back tracking now once again...
He goes to this one place he swears is open, and here I am trying to tell him it has been closed for over ten years. But hey, he goes there any way, and the building is actualy falling in! So you guessed it, he thought of another place out by the lake, about 15 miles from there, and said he knows they have "kitchenettes"..
Now "kitchenettes" at this hotel, I am trying to tell him means little kitchen areas in thier rooms. Not a kitchen in which to order food. He argues he knows what he is talking about. So I sit quietly, as he goes in, comes back out, of the hotel, and by that time is cussing... Ok..price of gas, and he has driven quite a few miles allready... Not my fault, but he isa acting like it is.
So the guy then says lets go to this other town about 30 miles from the lake. So we head in that direction.. I sit and try to make conversation, and every word out of his mouth is a cuss word. We then get into town,head to yet another resturant, and by this time I am seriously thinking this guy is nutzzz.... and I need a beer or two, maybe three by now.
He again sees a couple of people standing by the street at thier bikes, and says: Nope they are too packed and I aint goin in. I hate crowds." So I suggest a cafe just down the street, and of course he says he hates the place...
Enough said from me...
And I was ready to head back to Hannibal, and call it a night. Even asked him to go back to my town and he looks at me with these glaring eyes, saying no, he had said he was taking me out for steak. So ok...I am feeling a little faint and ask him to please stop at the gas station so I could get a candy bar, my sugars were getting way low.
We had started out on this venture before 5 pm, and it was now around 8 pm. I was told he wasn't stopping that it would ruin my dinner.. OMG...like I am a kid here or something.... I tried to explain again that I have low sugars, had not had lunch, and was realy getting a bit faint. But he didnt care...
So off into the wild blue yonder we go yet again. You guess it...another town several miles away... To a little hole in the wall place he said he took his last date too, and she hated it... And then he goes into telling me the bad date he had with her. And I am sitting there thinking maybe it was her birthday too. lol... ok...
So we go in, and they are shutting down the kitchen. By then it's like 8:30 or so, and he begs to keep it open.
He then talks to the owner saying no, she can't be the woner , that he knows the owner, and she aint it.. And yes, the lady was getting pissed at him. I was praying she would of just kicked us out, so I would have had an even better excuse to just go home and call it quits..... Thank God she bought me a beer for my birthday though....lol..
I order the chicken and vegetables, and he gets all pissy because he wants to buy me a steak. I ordered the chicken anyway exclaiming I dont eat alot of red meat, like I told him before. So he then changes my order to this 16oz. steak, and orders it rare... I told the waitress no, medium well, or well, that I cant eat meat raw. So he changes it back to rare.
By this time I was realy pissed, and asked why he did it. I was trying to keep my cool, and he kept being an ass, talking loud and cussing so everyone could hear him... Steaks came and mine was not even warm! I took a bite or two of the edge and gagged. I couldnt eat raw, cold steak. And I asked for a box. He said no, that if he was paying for the "damn thing" as he put it,then I would sit there and eat it. So I threw down the money for my share, and told him to take my ass home, I had seen and heard enough!
Needless to say, that was the quietest he had been all night... Thank goodness...
And then he gets to my house follows me to the door, and wants to know if he can stay the night? Uhhh...how fast can a person say not only no, but Hell No!!!
Sorry, but I walked in, and shut the door behind me....
And nope...no second date for sure!!!!  | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:01:33 PM | JustMe:
I actually thought about making up a questionnaire for my profile, but I don’t know if the humor would translate the right way.
Cata:
My sincere thanks for your kind words and my absolute best wishes for your son or daughter on a speedy and safe return!
English Lass:
Suuuuure you are laughing *with* me! No, be honest…you are laughing at me like everyone else…and that is what your reaction should be! However, it was very sweet of you to try to cover it up!
PleaseBeHonest:
There was no real set time and not all of them originated online. Though to be honest, even though I do quite a bit of writing for a living, I really, REALLY dislike endless emails/IM’s/texting and would rather share a few emails or phone calls and then look to meet up. I find I really can’t tell a lot about a person until I see them with my own eyes.
SweetBabeBlues:
Perhaps next birthday you should just insist on a card…! | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:03:29 PM | Number 6 and Number 7 deserve a b1tch slap, for real.
And just why do you think I and the other female need ****ed slapped if I may ask?
This comming from a 20 year old kid no less, who posts this in her profile:
***I can put a sailor to shame with the words that come out of my mouth sometimes.***
Eddited to answer # 23 below..... (too many close form postings)
Sorry...misread what you wrote...but didn't misunderstand what you wrote in your profile...That is a direct quote from it....... So just clarifying what I saw....
Doesn't need to go to a piss match here... I said I was sorry, and misunderstood it..... | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:03:39 PM | Chet B:
Her: You were supposed to pay no matter what it takes! You're a cheap skate!!!
Did you hit her after that? Because that really deserves a round house kick. What are you supposed to do, rip it out of her hands and demand that you pay for it? Jeez. | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:05:36 PM | I can totally relate Joe! Here are some of my snippetts:
Her: "Hey John. It's really nice to meet you."
Me: "Hi. Would you like to come to my place and see my collection of shovels?"
Her: "Huh, What?"
Me: "My shovels, they are my pretties. I use them to bury the bad ones, for the worms. The worms like bad ones."
Her: "You... are a weirdo." - (OMG?!!)
Me: "They're shiny, I keep them clean and make them pretty."
Her: "I'm leaving... Freak." - (ROFLMAO LOLOL. WHAT A CRAZY LOON AND NO MANNERS)
Her: "You're cuter in real life than you are in your picture!"
Me: "Thank you, you'd look much cuter in my basement."
Her: "Huh, What?"
Me: "I can juse see you all nice and tied up. You look so pretty and helpless."
Her: "I'm leaving." - (WTF?!)
Her: "I really enjoyed our evening together, Would you like to come in for some coffee?"
Me: "Coffee, What the Hell? Are you some Communist? Do you hate America?"
Her: "What?"
Me: "Coffee is the wine of the communist. You hate America, and it's foundations! You're in league with the Russians! YOU HATE FREEDOM! ADMIT IT! HERETIC! BURN THE WI-"
Her: ~Shuts door in my face.~ - (WTF HOW RUDE!) | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:07:10 PM |
And just why the hell do you think I and the other female need ****ed slapped if I may ask?
This comming from a 20 year old kid no less.....
Mmm... Your misread her post. Even I could tell she meant examples number 6 and 7 on Joe's list. ~NOT POST 6 AND 7~ | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:08:02 PM | Number 6 and Number 7 deserve a b1tch slap, for real.
And just why the hell do you think I and the other female need ****ed slapped if I may ask? This comming from a 20 year old kid no less....., who posts this in her profile:
***I can put a sailor to shame with the words that come out of my mouth sometimes.***
Number 6: "Good! Train them wrong so they die!!!"
Really? Do I need to explain why number 6 needs a slap since she's telling the man to KILL the police officers?
Number 7: "Her: “So how many people did you kill?!""
This one needs a slap to put her in her right mind. What kind of question is that to ask someone on the first date, let alone a combat veteran?!
My age has nothing to do with it Sweetbabe. I put the sailor line in profile so people KNOW that i have a dirty mouth, and that I'm not offended by curse words. My original post was not an attack on you or poster number 7, it was an attack on Number 6 and 7 of JOE'S POST.
Sweetbabe, we must have edited our posts at the same time. I'm not trying to start a piss match. :) | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:25:47 PM | John,
I read your post and your profile.
All I can say about it is:
Saving throw versus lunacy….FAILED!
(I figured you would get the reference…!)
I am thankful that you are a guy…if you were a woman living near me; chances are (with my luck) you would end up being “Number 11”! | |
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| Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:34:05 PM | Her: You were supposed to pay no matter what it takes! You're a cheap skate!!!
What a moron! Ha ha ha. | |
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