| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:31:57 PM | Hello,
I met this guy recently on this site (about 3 weeks ago). We chatted often first (a few times a day for about an hour each time), then started talking on the phone just few days later. We've met now twice, just for about 30 min at night each time (he says he has a busy schedule and hasn't been able to meet during the day yet--he's an architect), then started pressuring me to let him come to my house--or for me to go to his place to see him. I live alone now (I was living with my mom, but she passesd away earlier this year), so obviously I'm very cautious about letting anyone I meet on these sites come to visit--and certainly not this soon! He seems to understand this, but is still pressuring me. I've asked him several times why he's so anxious to come to my house or for me to vist him. He claims it would help us get to know eachother better. I said we could do the very same thing going out on 'normal' dates (lunch/dinner) like most other people do. He assures me I would be safe with him if I let him over to my house, that he would not 'put the make' on me. He is nice and really like talking to him a lot, but don't understand why he keeps pressing to come to my house. I asked if he met women that way often..by going out once or twice to dinner, than going to their place to visit. He said yes and that if they lived some distance from his house, he would sometimes spend the night at their house, then drive back the next morning to go to work. I'd never heard of this before and wondered if this was at all true.. if maybe some southern men did things differently when dating, than other men. I told a few girl friends about it and they think he's being really strange and just wants sex. Any input on this would be helpful.
L | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:41:51 PM | | I'd not be comfortable with anyone so interested in getting to behind closed doors.Once he's there,will he be "available"for more than a 30 minute date?It's not entirely honest,but I think I'd take him up on the offer to meet at his house first,ask for the address and then tell him you're just not comfortable with it all.At least then you'll have an address for him.See how he reacts.There's something just not right about the whole scenario. | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:43:14 PM | Simply, if he's pressuring you and you don't like it or have a red flag, don't invite him over to your home!
Just be upfront with him about it - no joking around, and if he can't handle that or makes any kind of excuses etc, tell him to take a hike!
but don't understand why he keeps pressing to come to my house.
Because you allow it! Put your foot down! No is no!
He should respect your boundaries! | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:44:25 PM | Why would he pressure you to do something that, rightly, makes you so uncomfortable? I would feel that he wasn't respectful of my feelings and probably wouldn't see him anymore. I don't like feeling pressured, I've spent enough time in the company of controlling people to last me a lifetime .
Anyway, who cares what most people do or what other southern gentlemen do? This idea clearly makes you uncomfortable. Respect yourself, don't invite him in and don't go to his place if you're not comfortable. | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:45:22 PM | Better to be safe, and feel secure within the relationship, than placing yourself at risk.
He is objecting to your personal boundaries, and therefore invalidating your feelings.
If he respected you, he would pay for a hotel himself.
My opinion is to realize that you are alone.
You have alot of good counsel with your friends advice...use them to look out for you, as they are now, to help you keep it centered.
Good luck | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:46:54 PM | For me, that would be a big ole...buh-bye. I'm not about to waste my time on some guy who is obviously feeding me a line of crap. He wants to go to your place for sex, because once he's there it will be all about pressure to do it because why did you ask him over and blah blah blah. The man is not interested in taking you out on a real date, not at all, and yet you wonder what his intentions are for wanting to be alone with you in your house....he doesn't want to be seen out with you for whatever reason, he doesn't want to actually date you, he doesn't even know you nor you him...how many more reasons do you need?
If you only want to be a booty call, then go for it, if you want to date a man who wants to date you and respects you and doesn't have an agenda, then dump this guy. But you already know all of this, so why are you questioning it? Why do you kind of sort of really want him to keep pressuring you? If you invite him over, do not act all shocked and insulted when all he wants is sex and still doesn't want to publicly date you. He's probably cheating on someone but even if he isn't, he's not very interested in you beyond getting into your home. This is pretty obvious, don't you think? | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:47:22 PM | Are you really that naive? Yes, he wants sex. Or he's a sociopath. Or both.
You've known the guy for all of an hour IRL, and you got him from a dating site - yeah, inviting him over to your house sounds like a REALLY GOOD IDEA (not!).
... it puts the lotion on its skin ...
Got a basement he can bury you in when he's done with you?  | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:48:35 PM | I think your gut's been screaming up and down and waving a red coloured flag around.
Why the urgency to visit your house? It's weird. I have never felt the urge to pressure a guy to show me his house. AND, if I was pushing for something that he felt uncomfortable with - I'd hope I'd have the common sense to back off. This guy probably wants to put you in a stew and make a skin dress out of you...lol, jk - mostly.
OP, listen to your gut...it has something to say. Be well! | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:49:54 PM | Believe it or not, I had a guy ask to spend the night on our first date as we planned it!! He knew I had 4 children and explained that I would not let a total stranger come over and spend the night like that, he got offended and askede why I consider him a total stranger!! Scary!
Back to YOU!! There is something fishey about this guy. He wants sex plain and simple. If that is what you want from him go for it but I would be extremely cautious always listen to your gut if it tells you "NO" there is a reason. Any man I wanted to spen the night at my house, I didn't have to ask my friends what they thought.Point being that I was comfortable with them enough to do that. Good luck and stay safe | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:51:02 PM | Someone is confused :-)
Your profile says your only looking for a friend. You met someone but only want to date them but not in a "come see my world" kind of way.
If your not comfortable with it don't do it. If you not comfortable with it because you think its against some type of dating policy than throw out the rule book please. Don't pretend to be psychic. You have no clue what he is thinking. Do you have a set time that it would be ok to see you in your environment? After you see him in his maybe? After 10 - 15 more dinners? One month... Two Months?
Maybe the pressure he is putting on you is that he is getting from you that you are not interested in a relationship. Which from your profile doesn't really seem that you are. If you’re stuck on thinking he is a psycho with hidden agendas than... I don't know... schedule a relationship therapist for the both of you to get through his lies....
It's kind of weird him having to tell you that you will be safe with him. Talk about being mistrusted. It's even stranger for him to tell you that this is a pattern. But then again you keep asking... When you put someone in the position of having to prove they are safe they only possible thing they can say is, "trust me." You could always get the numbers of the past dates and see how it really went.
Then again... He could really be a really bad person. How do you tell? | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:51:31 PM | Everything is relative. I invited my gf for dinner over my place on our second date. I've had dates that on the first date we went back to my place for drinks. ALL of them where mutually consensual, ALL of them were with NO PRESSURE. And yes MOST of them we ended up having sex.
So it's not the issue of going to his place or yours what is the problem, it's the Pressure. Too much pressure, a red flag. Take it or leave it until both are comfortable, normal. | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:55:48 PM | Just to offer an alternative view on this: Maybe he just doesnt prefer being "out & about". Your assumption that MOST people date by going out a bunch of times is flawed, as Ive dated plenty of ladies and spent time at her or my place on date #1. Why? Because we were both comfortable with each other and realized its about who youre with and NOT what youre doing that counts.
You obviously arent comfortable with dating this way, though, so just make it clear to him. Be aware it could be a dealbreaker, though, as he may prefer to be a homebody & wants to be with the same. | |
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Pers14
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Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 15 | |
| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:56:48 PM |
chedule a relationship therapist for the both of you to get through his lies....
They just met - why the heck would she waste her time and a therapist's time for some random sex-starved weirdo? I'm doubting she's losing sleep and desperate to keep her hooks in this guy. LOL | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:57:53 PM | OP ..... I have two daughters - they are both married now but ....... I would say the same thing to them.
Do what you want to do.
Forget what the guy wants. He should have SHUT UP about it long ago.
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With the above being said (and meant) - home dates are normally a blast.
I stopped dating three years ago but - before that I had some gals over here and we just simply had fun. You can jabbler and laugh your face off and no one looks at you funny.
We normally would cook a fun dinner - after that fire up the tunes and continue to jabber and laugh for hours. | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 3:02:33 PM |
why the heck would she waste her time and a therapist's time
I wasn't exactly serious on that. It was more of a poking fun that she must believe that he is some sex-starved wierdo and that she will be his victim. So, why would it be a waste of her time or a therapists time if she actually really did like him but was stuck with these thoughts and it wasn't because he was a stalker. Oh nevermind... Just poke him with a knife until he tells the truth about his evil ways. | |
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Pers14
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Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 3:08:50 PM | ^^^Ares! You cracked me right up with the pokey knife thing. That's what everyone should do on dates - poke each other with knives until every 'sin' comes out. Would be a timesaver! You find out the bad stuff right off the bat instead of hearing about it in dribs and drabs... :) lol
Cheers Ares! | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 3:09:56 PM | He is not respecting you. You are being cautious and that is a good thing. If someone said something was making them uncomfortable, I would respect their wishes.
I would stop seeing this guy. If he treats you this badly early on, it will only get worse.
Good luck,
Jim | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 3:15:47 PM | If you've only seen him twice for 30 minutes each, that's not even dating... yet. It seems he wants to just skip that part.
Have you considered the guy is financially strapped (or cheap) and that's why he doesn't have time to "go out", but seems to have the time to entertain in?
I wouldn't feel scared as much as just be kind of turned off by the whole thing... | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 3:15:55 PM | I have seen dating go to many lengths depending on the people I met.
1/ On the first date I am being invited back to hers and it turns into a sexual encounter.
2/ The dates go on and on and eventually she has to agree I was one of the nice guys.
All others are a shade of grey between 1 and 2. | |
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| One week after a meeting, he wants to come to my house
Posted: 9/23/2008 3:17:46 PM | | Well I dont wanna down play or up play the situation but the guy could be sincere and just want to watch a movie in a family private setting where he is relaxed and hopefully if you are not relaxed then you would relax,, OR he could be a FREAK and try to do some crazy nonsense that may possibly make a news headline. All in all, its really up to you, If you are truly not comfortable with his sugesstions and he keeps pressing the issue, you should cut him off unless you are looking for a naggy kind of guy. Its so hard nowadays to tell what to do. With various people's attitudes and morals the best thing for you to do is go with your gut feeling and hope for the best. | |
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