| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 11:44:07 AM | I have to admit it makes me feel quite despondent to read so much stuff about men having to be allowed to chase women . I agree that in the early stages, it can be a good idea, because hey, we all know that men are hunters and feel emasculated/lose interest if a woman does too much. But at what stage in a relationship is it OK for a woman to initiate as much as or more than a man? By that I mean calling whenever you want to, being totally open about feelings, making plans etc.
Do us women have to sit here for ever and be pursued until a man makes a firm commitment? When a relationship becomes "serious" ie mutual love has been expressed, trust is implicit and there's a desire for it to continue into the future, how do you men feel about a woman making a lot of the moves? | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 11:49:16 AM | For me, if we're dating or even just friends, call when you want to. As often or as little as you want to. But only one thing -- I hate when people call me when I'm working. But one could text me.
Perhaps it just depends on the person. But never just sit there forever until a man makes a firm commitment. Knowing how some guys are, you may be litterally waiting forever. Do what's comfortable for you. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 11:56:32 AM |
because hey, we all know that men are hunters and feel emasculated/lose interest if a woman does too much.
Don't know where you get your information, because it's wrong. Probably just more misinformation distributed by one of the popular female magazines. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:05:52 PM | I can only speak on my behalf.
Personally, I find it off putting to have to do all the "chasing". I don't mind making the initial contact and such. I do think if a woman is interested in me and wants to contact me that is very flattering. A guy likes to know that we are desired and that someone wants to get to know us.
I have come to the conclusion that if a woman doesn't initiate much conversation or interaction with me then she is either uninterested or simply waiting to be chased. I have neither the time no inclination to beg:)
I have no problem chasing after a woman so long as she will occasionally chase after me. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:07:07 PM | | You have to talk to him and see how he feels about this.Some men hate to be constantly called,while others feel neglected if you don't.I personally don't mind the phone calls and being persued-just don't overdo it or you'll look too clingy and needy. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:29:36 PM | OP< just think Quid Pro Quo...
Relationships and budding relationships are two way streets.
It's like a social ballet, except you change who leads from day to day. I would gauge it upon attraction. If it's there then go for it. But it has to be appreciated and reciprocated.
Good Luck!@!
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:37:41 PM |
we all know that men are hunters and feel emasculated/lose interest if a woman does too much.
Not true. What's emasulating is passive-aggressive behaviour and giving in to it.
But at what stage in a relationship is it OK for a woman to initiate as much as or more than a man? By that I mean calling whenever you want to, being totally open about feelings, making plans etc.
Any stage is good... provided that the attitude isn't "my way or the highway".
Do us women have to sit here for ever and be pursued until a man makes a firm commitment?
No.
When a relationship becomes "serious" ie mutual love has been expressed, trust is implicit
Just because there's love, lust or romance, does not mean there is total trust... especially with someone who has been burned before. Total Trust is a Harlequin romance fantasy.
how do you men feel about a woman making a lot of the moves?
I like it. It tells me that the woman has guts and probably can relate to guys better than the type of woman who can't muster up the courage to make the first move. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:37:44 PM | In a real two way match .....
.. both sides are busting their fanny to make sure it keeps going. They both know better than to keep the bullchit games of "I like Billy but don't tell him" going.
All the crap stops at once. The baggage gets dropped. Both work towards smoothing out all the details.
Anything short of a "team" working toward the same goals (being together and being a large plus in the life of the other) is simply NOT a real two way match.
-----------
"How long do men feel the need to pursue?"
37 seconds if it is not two way. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:38:20 PM | I can't speak for every man.
I won't chase a woman more than 2 or 3 dates usually, with a maximum of 5 dates if they have legitimate reasons.
If they can't make the leap to feeling comfortable calling me and initiating things to do by then, then I assume they are either not interested, or their head is too much caught up in games to be a partner in an adult relationship.
I'm not a teenager, and don't expect the woman I see to act like one.
Wanderer | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:00:08 PM | I've read everything these really amazingly attractive men have said above me, and then I muttered under my breath "bullshit".
You guys are all gorgeous, and I have admired many of your posts.
But I need to say that in all my relationships and dating situations and all those of my friends the one thing that comes through shiny and clear is that men want nothing to do with a woman who takes the initiative.
I don't understand it - never will.
But if she calls, comes over and surpises you naked under her trench coat, pops up in bed rolls you over and takes control...just ONE too many times (and no, we don't know what that magic invisible number actually IS) she's out of the ball game and in the car on the drive home.
I'm guessing that somewhere inside of you there's a line - like the dog's invisible fence.
A couple "surprise" initiative movements and she's charming and sexy in her interest in you.
But one too many?
And she's Glen Close boiling rabbits in your kitchen wearing your Mother's pearls and she has your balls in her red fingernailed death grip.
Why?
No clue.
True?
Yes.
How to know where that line is?
You never do til you cross it.
And once crossed there's no coming back from it.
Sad sad sad sad sad.
Great, sexy, fulfilling relationships get destroyed by paranoia about a woman being too strong and too independent.
Those who think that's hot - please move ten steps closer to Iowa!
Christmas is coming and my stockings need to be filled! | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:01:16 PM | Hi OP,you said the magic word 'mutual',if you feel you want to pursue a man,then go for it.In the end it all comes down to mutual attraction,if its there things should go well,if not you can pursue someone forever and end up a stalker.
If two people care about each other it doesnt matter who does the pursueing,lifes too short to sit and wait, so you pursue for your life.best wishes.
Lustre | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:54:29 PM |
I've read everything these really amazingly attractive men have said above me, and then I muttered under my breath "bullshit".
You guys are all gorgeous, and I have admired many of your posts.
But I need to say that in all my relationships and dating situations and all those of my friends the one thing that comes through shiny and clear is that men want nothing to do with a woman who takes the initiative.
How old are these men?
How many have you approached?
How did you approach them? | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 2:08:40 PM | Sorry guys, but gonesailinbabe and Marianne are both right.
You great guys don't believe it because it's not *conscious*...but it's still real.
I meet a guy. We go out. I am open about my interest and I openly return the interest he shows in me. We go out again. I soon hear "I"m not interesting in a serious relationsihp, just casual. As in, I don't want to actually date".
Guy number 2, I go out with him. I nicely and openly share that I just want to be friends, did not feel a spark. That i am interested in someone else. Now I get "if you were my girl I'd treat you better" and "well I thought we had a spark".
I swear to god... both great guys. Both pursued me to the point of going out the first time about the same. Both were open about their interest before going out the first time.
I have thought many times if I were a different person I'd play the "pretend I'm not interested game". Unfortuantley, it's just not my way. I'm way to open and blunt to play those games.
And OPie, I don't know the answer either. The wedding day? maybe then it would be safe. I think one guy pursued me until he got the "you are my boyfriend" commit out of my mouth and then he started backing off (after he pushed and pushed for it). Hmmm....
There are players who do stuff like that on purpose... But mostly I just think it's some weird psychological phenomenon. We want what is hard to attain. Period.
All I am able to do is try to keep a lot of what I feel inside and not share it all at once. If he says he doesn't want anything serious with me *ever*, then I keep it casual and continue looking for someone who says they do...and in the back of my mind hoping that if I back off a little maybe he'll decide I am worth pursuing.
Kaylie | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 2:20:28 PM | Kaylie,
Two? You're basing that opinion on TWO guys?
Let me explain something to you... If you have decided to be proactive, it means to a certain extent, you're taking the male approach by going after what you like.
And if you do that, you learn that this approach is a numbers game... in that there will be at least 10-20 people you'll contact before you'll run into 1 or 2 that have something that approaches the right combo of looks, personality, stage in life and what they're looking for.
By not moving on and hoping "maybe he'll decide I am worth pursuing" is exactly the same mistake many guys make.
Men and women aren't THAT different.
Think about it... if I hit on you but I'm not your type, would I suddenly become your type simply because I backed off a bit and waited? I doubt it because that's not how things work.
What you have experienced is precisely what women do to guys all the time. I'm sure you've refused guys in the past for whatever reason... does that make YOU a player? | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 2:27:27 PM | This is a great question.
I'd like to know the answer for it too.
But the truth it is different between personalitys, & stages of life.
It sounds like you've had an encounter with someone that doesn't want things to progress.
& he cant tell you that, so i will.
Shop the denial.
& stick to the facts.
His actions.
& think of how he makes you feel.
If you want to torcher yourself, then make yourself at home.
Move on theres some really good guys out there
Read, "women who love too much"... it will save you.
Read it now before you make unhealthy patterns. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 2:35:01 PM |
I have to admit it makes me feel quite despondent to read so much stuff about men having to be allowed to chase women . I agree that in the early stages, it can be a good idea, because hey, we all know that men are hunters and feel emasculated/lose interest if a woman does too much. But at what stage in a relationship is it OK for a woman to initiate as much as or more than a man? By that I mean calling whenever you want to, being totally open about feelings, making plans etc.
Do us women have to sit here for ever and be pursued until a man makes a firm commitment? When a relationship becomes "serious" ie mutual love has been expressed, trust is implicit and there's a desire for it to continue into the future, how do you men feel about a woman making a lot of the moves?
Having been the hunter, and the hunted, it works out pretty much the same in the end regardless of who does what. The only key issue is, when does the hunt stop?
How long does she expect me to pursue her before she finally wants to settle down?
How long am *I* gonna make her chase me, before I wanna settle down?
That's where the lines get blurred most often. Once it turns into a situation of chasing your own tail, while the object of your affections sits behind a tree laughing their guts out...it's time to move on.
I could care less about who does the chasing...me or her...as long as there's some payoff in the end. All chase and no payoff leads to bitterness.
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 2:36:47 PM |
How old are these men?
My dating and mating ranges no more no less than is stated on my profile. That's consistent with my real life experiences. I have not been with any men 10 years younger than I, or 10 years older.
How many have you approached?
Ahhhhh now, are we talking PRIOR to knowing them, or in the sub heading of being within a relationship? I would say that I take the initiative in most every scenario in certain ways or moments. Be those from stating that I have enjoyed meeting a man and found him attractive to...showing up naked (under my coat) at my fiance's work place and "taking him" for lunch. So I would have to state that the number has been...less than 20? In let's say 12 years time.... since my divorce as I don't think high school and college dating qualify as "real".
How did you approach them?
LOL!
OK... too many scenarios to recite here.  
Use your imagination!
But I certainly never baked any bunny wabbits!
Once a woman delites in revealing that she's INTO him, and ready to do the pleasures and joys of all that entails without being chased or pursued.... the mast and sails are dropped.
It's like we took all the fun out of the chasing for you by being willing to be caught!
It's almost like children playing tag at recess...you fellas want to all chase the fastest most ellusive girl running around out there - why? Because she IS fast. She is GOOD at dodging and escaping....she is who you MUST get and catch to be BIG man on the playground.
We get it.
I even understand it.
I'd probably be the one girl chasing the fast running guy too.....
Why?
Cuz he's FAST!
If I can catch him....then aren't WE better than all the slow moving turtles?
I know this makes zero sense factually, yet it is how it is.
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 2:52:37 PM | I only pursued once (for a continuous 13 year stretch, in fact) and didn't get what I expected.
I no longer feel the need to pursue. Ever. Being respected is much more important to me than having a relationship with a woman.
I have women who actually flutter their eyelashes at me then get in a huff because I don't 'pursue' - in fact I find the arrogance behind that idea highly amusing - and I've had women I was getting on well with me go cold on me because I handed the job of 'pursuing' over to them and I don't behave how they expected. They don't generally like that one bit. One lady I gave a business card to and said call me when you'd like to go out somewhere. She didn't like that and she's never called even though she said she would - and I expected her not to.
It isn't deliberate game playing - it's just I've learned that pursuing for a man is a complete waste of time. You can get laid by pursuing and doing all the romantic stuff but you can't get a worthwhile relationship - for that you have to have gradual integration.
It dawned on me a couple of weeks ago that I'm completely happy being celibate and am completely indifferent to having a woman in my life.
Then I thought 'how sad is it that?'. You can't win, eh? If it happens it happens, but I'm not going to pursue it - all that does is push it away. When you pursue you get something you don't actually need. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 2:57:07 PM | | Once you've establish a relationship, that is where you have sex together, are intimate together and had the talk of exclusivity, it is no no longer about a chase. If you're still chasing each other, it tells me that there's some thing fundamentally wrong. After the relationship is establish is no longer about chasing, but about developing understanding, creating reasonable boundaries, and working at maintaining and growing the flame. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:04:20 PM | You know what GoneSailing. I did my graduate school in Iowa and even taught for a semester as an adjunct in Pella. I worked for four years as the Archivist/historian for a company twenty seven miles north of Pella. One of my good friends lives in Monroe. You are lying through your teeth. What you claim isn't true even in Pella. I have never been in a relationship nor seen a relationship where the woman did not particpate actively in the relationship. The truth is that men tire quickly of the "make a man chase me till I catch him game." Those women perpetrating the hunter myth, as your own post makes obvious, play a game of power and control for women. "I'm a helpless victim but I get to squeeze your balls" Most of us divorced women who thought relationships were games of power and control. Even where men may be hunters, the only time they are hunting is when they intend to kill the hunted. So unless your waiting for a man to bring his 30-06 and tie you up on the hood of his car, I doubt any of you really want to play the hunter myth. You want a man looking for a relationship not a victim.
If a woman can't initiate, she's just not that interested. If a man cannot initiate he's just not that interested. The only time a relationship is worth having is when both are "that interested." | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:13:18 PM | GoneSailinBabe,
Ahhhhh now, are we talking PRIOR to knowing them, or in the sub heading of being within a relationship?
I was thinking more in terms of prior to knowing them.
showing up naked (under my coat) at my fiance's work place and "taking him" for lunch... So I would have to state that the number has been...less than 20? In let's say 12 years time
Mmmmm... I don't know about the guys you tried that out with, but if you pulled that on me or the guys I know.... ummm... let's just say the response would be positive and it would be full speed ahead.
When a woman reveals that she's into me, I just shift the focus on finding her sexual buttons and pushing them.
As for less than 20 in 12 years.... you've got to get your numbers up. Statistically, you've got to be approaching at least 20 a month if you want to find your ideal (or close to ideal) guy.
Hell, want proof?
Well, you previously stated "You guys are all gorgeous, and I have admired many of your posts."
Since I was one of those guys who posted, I'll make the ballsy assumption that you think I'm gorgeous.
Now this is what you need to do... Send me a message telling me that you're taking a trip to Toronto, tell me where you want to meet, make sure you're wearing a long coat with nothing underneath... and shortly after that you'll have proof that there's at least ONE guy out there who really appreciates a woman who takes the initiative... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:15:44 PM | I prefer women wait to call at least until she decides as well as desires that she would like to contact as well as meet me.....LOL . I enjoy women that e-mail first. Honestly, it cuts through a lot of BS. I always respond to all even women that are 100 yrs old and 2000 lbs, OK maybe that is a bit extreme.
If she indicates she is old fashioned "I don't call men" then she is probably to "old fashioned" to be involved with me anyway. Equality for all....
Possibly I've been in the corporate world to long, accustom to those aggressive women.
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:16:34 PM | I have to agree with Gonesailing Babe here,.. i think theres a real disconnect bewtween what men say they want on this point, ie mutual interest, and what really happens when a woman 'chases' or shows too much interest.
It seems like subconsciously, a woman loses some 'value' if she is too quick to say, 'Yes, I really like you too,'
If she calls too much, takes too much initiative,.. tries to plan dates,.. she will find heself being pushed out of the mans life,.. either permanently, or.. and this is the worst,.. finds herself becoming his 'casual' date.
I'm sure a lot of men dont even realise that they're doing this. Its not a conscious process,.. but I have seen this for myself, and have seen a lot of female freinds have the same problem.
It gets to a point where you dare not say how you feel about someone, you dare not makeplans with them.. and you dont ever want to assume that you're in a stable relationship, because thats right about the time a man starts backing away.
Any initiative on a womans part see's the man rapidly backing off. So, women say nothing, remain passive, and then get accused of playing games.
Its very difficult to ever know when you're 'okay' to reciprocate, like Gone sailing babe said, you'll only ever know if you crossed the line when you're on your way out of his life.. and theres no going back once you've spooked a guy .
Its a conundrum alright.
Morgana. x | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:21:53 PM | I have gotten rather negative responses overall when I call a man or make some sort of a gesture. So I do nothing. I don`t call. I ask for nothing. I do not invite. I do not make any attempt ever to make a plan or move with a man. I have tried a few times to include them in a plan I may have or call them but I always get a very negative response.
So I do not call ever. Even if I was dating someone exclusively and got into a bind or whatever. I do not call or ask for anything. I do not include them in social or family functions. I don`t ask them to do anything with me. If they want to do something fine. Men just seem more comfortable calling all of the shots and having everything go their way.The men seem to like that I leave them alone and am a no maintenence type of person. But after a while, I feel like the man doesn`t care about me, because it is always about him and his schedule and what he wants. So then I leave. But I have never felt free to be forward. Men don`t seem to like a woman bothering him if it isn`t on his terms.
I`ve heard so many damned disclaimers of their need of freedom, their not wanting anything serious, now, I just assume that it is a short term thing. I don`t express or show any affection or emotion. Men leave if you are even the slightest bit emotional or
sensitive. God help you if you shed a tear. Then you are a bipolar crazy.
Thanks but no thanks. I will take care of my own life and compartmentalize a man for what he is willing to give. And we all know what that is, and not much else. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:25:08 PM | Morgana,
Your confusing issues. Most men are not into you that much. Just because your into him does not mean he has to be into you. Developing a relationship requires that both be into the other. Reality is that 95% or more of the time, as every man knows, the other person isn't that interested. The only difference is that men have come to live with rejection, you haven't.
Desert Wildflower wrote:
But after a while, I feel like the man doesn`t care about me, because it is always about him and his schedule and what he wants. So then I leave.
Another way of putting it would be that your interests and his interests don't correlate. Precisely, he's not into you. Perhaps one reason, but certainly not the only one, is that your giving evidence that your not into him either. Not everyone fits every other person and it is darn hard finding a fit, even without the games that our cultures create. | |
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