| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 9:48:08 AM | | My filtering method is first IM, if all is OK, then I graduate to the phone and then if still OK the first meeting. Well I got to the first meeting and I felt very uncomfortable, we met for drinks after work. I finished my drink and said thank you and started to leave. He continued talking and made it hard for me to leave politely. He then asked me to come over to his place at a later date and he will cook me dinner. I agreed only so I can end the date and leave. On my way home, I called him up and canceled the date I just made, well he just started yelling at me. I hung up the phone. Then he started to send me e-mails and every time I came online, he would IM me and say crazy things. I blocked him. My question: Does anyone out there have a better filter? Do some crazies always get through? Sometimes politeness is not always a good thing? | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 9:51:41 AM | | Unfortunately you never know who the real psycho's out there are. I'd rather meet before giving someone my phone number though... | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 10:05:54 AM | no but common sense and spending timne to get to know them BEFORE meeting helps.
Some on here are in a hurry to meet. I talk a LOT before meeting. I actually use the messages here and phone contact to really get to know them
Cowboy | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 10:06:46 AM |
My question: Does anyone out there have a better filter?
Yeah. Turn your IMs OFF and stop using that. Replace it with at least 2 weeks of e-mails, then 2 weeks of phone after that. You CAN get to know a person a good bit by doing that. I've got a feeling you are jumping into the "let's meet" phase too soon. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 11:44:11 AM | yes, sometimes the filters let the crazies...and sometimes the filters block the very people you want to get to know
give em a chance...and listen to your gut. And don't agree to entertain at home when there is a red flag or two flapping in the breeze
i met a guy on a dating site and agreed to meet him at his house to go on a fishing date without more than a couple of emails and one phone conversation.
Oh no! bad idea, right? I always I stick to the "coffee date" rule
my gut said "this is good", and we've become good friends. you never really know. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 12:07:27 PM | | Well then it appears you need to re-adjust your filtering process. Perhaps give more time IM'ing and talking on the phone. If you give it more time, then you might, (with 'might' being the operative word) pick up on some things that could raise the red flags. Although, sometimes you'll find guys who are very clever in their approach, and after devoting a lot of time with them, then you see their true self. I guess you could always go with your gut feeling. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 12:08:07 PM | You need to be a bit smarter and think your way through this problem of the occasional nutcase. There really is no guaranteed filter against this type - only time. I agree it is awful to be captive on a date with someone who is totally unsuitable and even threatening but the last thing on your mind should be giving him any hope of seeing you again. Yet an outward rejection may push him too far, frighten you, or at the very least be very embarrassing in public.
Assuming that the date has been a disaster and there is no turning back this is a time to think on your feet and manipulate the situation for him to say 'no thanks'. Thinking back to my own experience I would invent a huge crazy family, dire and pressing financial troubles (which usually is a winner), a ghastly infectious disease - basically anything which you think may turn HIM off. Voila! You achieve your goal by getting him running whilst you can safely turn your back and put that drama down to experience ... and amuse your friends later when you regail your shenanigans.
Better luck next time! | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 1:21:08 PM | I would say you already knew the guy was somewhat pushy and not respecting your boundaries (let alone reading your body language). I wouldn't have *immediately* called to cancel the date, thus enraging him. You just gave him a good reason to hassle you.
This is why people do the "internet fade," for all of you wondering why they suddenly stop writing or calling. For just this reason. Wonder no more. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 1:25:07 PM | Umm ya, being the sensible person I am ***arches eyebrow
I would need to know what made you feel uncomfortable. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:01:27 PM | When a person emailing or IMing, they have a chance to choose their words. On the phone not so much, but they can hold it together to put forth the "correct" image.
Maybe they think, if i get to that first meeting, aha, I've won. I don't know. It is a crapshoot for sure. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:19:38 PM | | Have enough guts next time to simply say to him "no I am sorry but I don't want to see you again". If he persist say "it was lovely to meet you, I wish you all the best", then get up and leave. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:22:34 PM | | I find the phone is usually where I can do the best filtering. People don't have time to think about what they're going and will say the most inappropriate things that they were able to self censor on e-mail. You give some people enough rope, they just go right ahead and hang themselves right out of a date. The other extreme is of course those who have absolutely nothing to say and don't understand the concept of "conversation". | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:42:48 PM | | A poster on here said that by cancelling the date immediately she gave him reason to hassle her. Why should she have dwelled on it and waited to cancel? How did her actions give him the right to hassle her? Obviously the OP went with her gut feeling and that's something more of us should trust....our intuition. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:43:58 PM | God damn it.
Most of the people here talking about psychos and crackpot, should take a hard look in the mirror...
Here is where she went wrong:
SHE WAS NOT HONEST.
Ever think perhaps he read into that?
Furthermore...we've yet to hear as to why she was uncomfortable..
So shut up.
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:44:29 PM |
A poster on here said that by cancelling the date immediately she gave him reason to hassle her. Why should she have dwelled on it and waited to cancel? How did her actions give him the right to hassle her? Obviously the OP went with her gut feeling and that's something more of us should trust....our intuition.
I agree or why even call back and cancel? | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:49:46 PM | 1. Email
2. IM
3. Phone
4. Meet
(Not in the same day)
*Note*
You can configure your IM settings so that only Favorites can contact you. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 2:54:06 PM | And for the poster who said SHE WAS NOT HONEST. If the guy was YELLING at her after she cancelled the date and was sending her nasty messages to the point where she had to block him...she obviously did the right thing by not telling him to his face that it wasn't working out!
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:03:36 PM | Oh, i just love the made up crazy family, hideous credit et al. That shows real fast thinking on your feet.
To me, it would been just as easy to say : " Im sorry, we dont seem to be on the same page here. " and LEFT. If he continuted talking, gee...so sorry but I'm still gone. Now, if the nutjob continued and followed me out....for sure I would have turned UP the volume on my voice and made it very clear I was NOT wishing him to follow me out (public place, LOTS of people around, someone would have heard THAT exchange and perhaps had the forethought to pay attention...if he continued to follow me, maybe even called 911). In any case, I would NOT have made any illusion to a date I had no intention of keeping. But, what do I know...I dont date.
Also, it interests me that there is such a divide in the email/phone thing vs. the meet ASAP and see where that goes. For me, I believe I'd just as soon meet and be up front about first impressions (the picture posted, info given isnt accurate to what you SEE in front of you). If it starts of with lies and deception, why waste time finding that out? | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:05:34 PM | I'm with the poster above... what made you uncomfortable before even going on the date.
That should have been your first filter. If you weren't comfortable you shouldn't have gone on the first date, let alone agree to a second date. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:14:16 PM | After reading the responses I feel the need to clear up some things.
IM -> E-Mail -> Phone -> Meet takes about 2 to 3 weeks.
It was just my gut feeling. I am certainly not a prude, but he had such a potty mouth and looked really rough, compared to his photos. I felt if I did not agree to subsequent date, he would have gotten nasty right there, so by agreeing and making a get-away was my way of thinking on my feet to get out of what was for me an unpleasant situation. | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:17:00 PM | maybe she is a passive aggressive block happy person who is non communicative........and he is a ragaholic. two sides to the story  | |
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| Sometimes the filter fails.......
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:38:42 PM | I don't IM at all, only my old friends know my IM ID. There is nothing to talk to people you've never met and maybe never will. It's too time-consuming and it happens when you might be not comfortable to sit in front of your computer.
So, I start with e-mails because it's convinient to answer when you have time. When you feel comfortable enough to meet, then it might be phone conversation for a while. Then I give my phone # just before first meeting (and/or he does his) so we could call in case if something went wrong and the meeting is cancelled.
When I meet people, usually I pretty much know what to expect, how they look and generally their manners and style of behavior.
I never had such cases where I would be afraid to tell him that I won't see him again if strictly asked for a second date. But usually we agree to write an e-mail after the date if we wanna meet again.
Screaming, yelling, something that kind is totally out of question. I meet only smart, intelligent, educated men with very high self-esteem. Even if I mistakes in something alittle - it's still very decent great people. Everyone was. | |
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