| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2005 5:56:13 AM | When talking with someone either here or in real is it very shallow to weed out people as a potential for a relationship, because they really can't bring anything to the table?
I.E. they are out of work, living with their mother, no hope of a job in site.
Drink often, don't answer the question on *do you do drugs* | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2005 11:56:45 AM | Good God woman of course it is not shallow. We all have certain criteria to be met by the others in our lives. Why on earth would we settle for less than what we want? Isn't that the whole reason for being here and having the choices we got in life?
We all have standards. How high or low they are depends upon the person. It's all personl choice. Now go get what you want.  | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2005 12:03:25 PM | With all the talk about people should be judged for themselves and no outside trappings, as job, money, own their own home. It seems that most want you to take them at face value.
As much as I would like to be that type of person, I still need to eat and pay bills. lol so I do look at the long term.
I have been told I am shallow for making judgements on if I want things to progress past a certain stage of *friendship*.
I do notice it is the women that are answering this question though.
Guys??? you have anything to add? | |
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gifty
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Joined: 7/1/2003
Msg: 7 | |
| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2005 2:48:06 PM | | hey there is more to a relationship than a good conversation,or a good romp in bed,,like already said,,bills to pay,,,,,,,,,,,,and i ain't gonna be paying them all,LOL! | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2005 4:14:50 PM | I don't think its shallow. It would be very wrong to allow yourself to get into a relationship that you knew was one-sided. You wouldn't be doing your partner any favors by just being with them and secretly resenting the fact that they didn't contribute anything. Eventually, you will tire of it or they will and then you both have another "failed" relationship. I think a relationship should provide something for both people. Personally, I'd rather be alone than feel like I wasn't bringing anything to the table. Just my $.02.
-Golem3 | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2005 4:26:20 PM | I agree with all that's been said, and I would like to add my 2 cents...
I think that when we were in our 20's it was okay for realtionships like that; both parties are young and are still trying to find their way in this world. As we age, we grow...be it emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and we become more financially responsible.
I think that the persons who called you shallow still have decades to grow.
In my personal situation, I have worked way to hard to spend the rest of my life with someone who has not yet felt the need to contribute positively to society. Please don't misunderstand me and say that contributing towards the tax base doesn't mean diddly; but my potential partner has to be able to contribute in all aspects.
Conversation would probably be the biggest for me...I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who waits to hear my opinion on something and then chime in (agree) with me because they have no idea how they feel about a topic.
...Sorry I rambled...
Gracie | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2005 6:32:41 PM | | ^^^^ totally agree! This is amusing though, quite a while ago I started a thread after having a conversation with a good male buddy of mine and hearing his comments. Anyway, my thread was about "was I being materialistic or just protecting my assets" and I got a lot of slamming that I was indeed "materialistic" in expecting a partner to actually bring something into the relationship (ie--a job, some assets since I have my own that I don't want to lose to anyone else, etcetc)! Just goes to show, maybe it's how you phrase yourself that gets different responses | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2005 4:22:47 PM | I sure wouldn't call it shallow. Maybe guarding your heart.
I used to be the kind that fell head over heels and latched on quickly. Too many bad relationships have taught me otherwise.
If he doesn't want the same things outta life and willing to work with you for them the relationship don't have much of a future anyway.
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2005 9:04:11 PM | i dont think its being shallow to weed out undesirable people if you are looking for a relationship, both parties have to be able to contribute.
however, dont be too harsh or you might loose a lot of real loving guys. big deal if they are out of work, the unemployed need love too. not everyone is unemployed by choice. (though i know some are, and wouldn’t take a job offered to them on a silver platter)
if they are living at home, well, just ask yourself, are they caring for their mother, or father? not everyone has enough money to buy a house you know, that’s a very Bourgeoisie view.
though i would agree with you on the drink often and not answering the drugs question | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2005 9:04:53 PM | "Bring something to the table" is such a sketchy term. What you mean is "Bring money to the table".
Is it Ok to not want to take on someone who is going to be financially draining on you? Absolutely.
Is it shallow to judge someone exclusively on that basis? Yep, thats shallow. You are judgeing someone on the "things" that you think they should have. | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2005 5:51:21 AM | as someone who put "drink often" on her profile, i don't think that's necessarily a good criteria.
my mother works in the wine business. i have been having wine with dinner almost every night since i was 8 years old.
i don't binge drink a couple of nights a week and say occasionally, i'll have a glass or two of wine with dinner nearly every day.
that's the definition of often here.
to me... it's just the way i was brought up. | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 7/20/2005 7:13:28 PM | This is a very interesting topic. I'm actually facing this right now. I've rearranged my life goals to accomodate a 4 year relationship on the hopes that it would move towards a more formal arrangement, even though that meant that I would not be in the financial position I desired by virtue of the fact that remaining in my present location would seriously cut my chances at gaining a position in my field of study once I graduated college (and it has). I did it knowing full well of that posibility and my boyfriend knew it as well and still encouraged me to stay on so that we may get together and start a family. Well, as it turns out now he is seriously backing out of our relationship because he judges that I don't have much to "bring to the table" and wont move forward on formalizing our relationship until I'm making 75 grand a year.
Listen, as a woman, I totally understand what you are saying, and I understand my soon to be "ex boyfriend's" (if he doesn't put his pants on and learns to be a man and head of a family - soon) financial concerns, but I seriously think, in this day and age, that our definitions of the things we are to "bring to the table" are screwed up.
Maybe I can't bring the finances to the table that he would like, but I have brought love to the table, I have brought loyalty to the table, fidelity and sacrifice to the table. I've stuck by him on situations when no other woman would have because he made me believe that we would be together and have children, the whole kit and kaboodle, and mostly because I was in-love with him and I believed in that love.
So what is that worth? When you put your heart on the table; what is that worth?
Just something to think about. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 19 | |
| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 7/21/2005 6:19:57 PM | | I think each of us look at the other person as to what they have to offer in a relationship. Doesn't mean you're shallow. I think it comes down to what we define in our values, goals, interests, and can that person opposite from us match our criteria. It's a check and balance system of determining our tolerances of what we want and don't want. | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 7/21/2005 7:38:43 PM |
When talking with someone either here or in real is it very shallow to weed out people as a potential for a relationship, because they really can't bring anything to the table?
I.E. they are out of work, living with their mother, no hope of a job in site.
Drink often, don't answer the question on *do you do drugs*
I guess that depends on your definition of "can't really bring anything to the table." Put this way, yes, I think it's shallow, and also a big mistake. Just because someone is out of work, living with his mother, or drinks has absolutely NOTHING to do with what they might "bring to the table," unless you're looking for cash.
That said, I also don't think it's necessarily bad to "weed out" people who are incompatible with you for these reasons. | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 7/21/2005 7:52:39 PM | | I don't think it's shallow at all. why would anyone want someone that drinks excessively unless they also do, why would anyone want a partner with no ambition or aspirations, yuck soooo unattractive, most importantly why would anyone not want their needs met when it comes to love. As to the living with mom, I dated a guy once who was living with mom I gave him a chance and didn't judge him on that only to find out he was a cheapskate who did absolutely nothing for himself around the house because mommy did it all, and had simply not grown up. It was VERY unatractive. NEVER again. They bring nothing to the table! | |
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| Is is shallow to want someone that is going to bring something to the relationship?
Posted: 7/21/2005 8:43:04 PM | | Isn't it customary to bring a bottle of wine or two when invited to dinner; of course it is; would it be shallow to expect a guest to bring one, no, of course not; a relatinship/marriage can be viewed as such...one nice long and enjoyable dinner with someone very special indeedand sure you can have fun also...flicking the occasional pea or spoonful of mashed potatos at each other is quite permissible, once you get to really know each other and as at the end of the dinner you both help clean up and put everything away; it's 50-50 all the way with enough flexibility for the occasional adjustment in cases of "sometimes, things go wrong" and one can't contribute fully as in a dual income family sometimes gets reduced to a single income...for a while, but the particulars of those scenarios are other stories... | |
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