| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 6:51:12 PM | | As with most people my age, we have a past. Somethings are deal breakers, such as, being convicted of murder and/or having to report to your parole officer, being a sex offender, or have ever been a member of the opposite sex. But there are things that have happened in our lives that are tragic to us, but may not be a big deal to others. Or they could be very important things to mention. My question is.....When do you divulge this information? Or should you leave the past behind? If you didn't tell the person and they found out later, would that still be lying? | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 7:03:44 PM | I am wrestling with the same question. I have been dating a guy for a couple of months and have something important to tell him (which I don't want to go into here). It is not a major dealbreaker I don't think but he needs to know at some point soon if we are going to continue dating, yet it is something that I wouldn't tell him if the relationship is not going anywhere.
Wish I had an answer for you (and for myself). | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 7:42:13 PM | I go with my heart on most things. I try not to offer to much of anything for the most part until I am able to see trust with the other person.
There are people out there that are very sick, and will turn what you say around and use it to hurt you, or to manipulate you!
If someone were to call me a liar for not "offering" information when I was never asked about something, I would dump them right away! That really shows what kind of person they are! | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:09:42 PM | Well if you were once a different sex I would want to know that.
But the rest of it can stay in the closet where it belongs.
I don't gage a girl by where she's been.
But by where she is going. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:14:39 PM | I was emailing this wonderful woman fromPOF and I took a huge risk and put it all out there within a week or so. Granted we emailed each other for2-4 hours a night every night.
But I divulged things that i thought could be deal breakers, but I did not want to proceed and lose her because I didn't tell her. She accepted me the way I am and is very supportive. We are having our 4th date in 5-6 weeks. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:15:32 PM | | I don't believe in telling strangers my entire life history. Some things are private and should only be discussed and known by your nearest and dearest. Some people just don't have a concept of privacy and insist you tell them every single detail of your private life. I don't believe that just because I may of gone on one ,two or a few dates with someone then suddenly this entitles them to my entire history. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:52:41 PM | In one of my past relationships, my girlfriend dropped some huge news on me. She had been keeping some big skeletons in the closet, where she thought they weren't so major...but too me, it changed how I viewed her.
My only advice, never ever drop something big on someone on a weekend. If you don't see the person your dating often, then don't just spring it on them where the person will have a long period to think about it. It cuts down on the shock factor. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:56:18 PM | [QUOTE]But I don't want to reveal something that is very emotional to me if I am not emotionally attached to someone.
I think the key is to consider your skeletons to be on equal footing with sexual intimacy.
If you can trust someone to share your body intimately, you should be able to open up with your secrets.
Some things though in our past I do not think there's any obligation to reveal to anyone.
It's a question of "full disclosure" I guess.
I don't feel that should be a requirement.
However, some may disagree with me.
Communication, respect and trust are the three building essentials for a relationship.
Talk to the man you're thinking of forming a relationship with about how he feels about "full disclosure" and together explore what things you can leave behind you as being unsaid and unrevealed.
But definitely not until such time as you are ready to do so. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 1:49:21 AM | I would be upset if someone waited to tell me something that I personally would see as a deal breaker. What might not be deal breakers to you might be for someone else. Then again, I don't know what this is and you do. So I'll take your word for it.
You should wait until you feel comfortable. It depends on the person on whether or not someone will feel as though you lied by not telling him. But it might also just hurt him that you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him something that was tragic for you. At least if you wait a while and he asks why you waited so long, you can tell him of how you just didn't feel comfortable at first. If it isn't a deal breaker and he cares about you, he'll understand. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 8:58:30 AM |
My question is.....When do you divulge this information?
It's really hard to say not knowing what the skeleton is, it really does make a difference.
I guess, in the end, how the man reacts will tell you whether or not he really is who you think he is, and who he claims to be. If you're getting serious, whatever that means to you, then you should probably tell him. But, early on, first few dates, I don't think it would behoove you to reveal it, go through the hurt or humiliation, if it ends up being a short lived relationship. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 8:59:44 AM | | My skeletons need a little bleach about now-getting around Halloween and all, I figure they can use a good scrub down-especially the teeth and vertebrae...seriously-bring it up gently and see what develops-if it isn't to be, it never will be...acceptance, y'all... | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 10:37:41 AM | I totaly agree with oldsoul.
If someone doesn't want to know my skeletons, then they don't need to know me.
A young woman contacted me early this week .
She and I did the email thing twice before she started asking questions.
I answered her questions but also told her about my deal with my ex-wife.
She feeds me and I give her sex.
I havn't heard back from that gal and don't care if I ever do.
A man has needs . Sex and food are two of those needs.
If anyone is wanting a Virgin they won't be finding that here.
If a woman is secure in her own self then she would realize that she as well as all others want and need sex.
Maybe she uses a vibrator.. I prefer the real thing.!! | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:18:15 AM | I really think there is a fundamental difference here between men and women.
Tell a guy friend of your questionable past or behavior and it's dismissed, never
to be mentioned again.
Tell a woman, and she adds it to the minus side of the balance sheet which is
where it stays forever and brought up whenever she decides too! And, I'm
always astonished how amazing a woman's memory is, except that the details
are usually skewed, (more and more with each use)and NEVER in the man's
favour either! lol
Nowhere is it written that you have to divulge the contents of your diary to
anyone. Respect for the privacy of ones partner is an important issue!
Loose lips, Sink Ships, as they say! lol | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:31:23 AM | When the skeletons start to stink up the house, get rid of them. lol
There are three incidents in my life that I share with only with close people...One of the incidents is very personal...and I guess I fear someone will cast me into the role of victim...so I would rather they get to know me first, and see I am strong, independant and capable before letting them in on something that was beyond my control.
Cant say I have a timeline for telling...but I need to feel safe emotionally? That doesnt happen often. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 12:08:31 PM | Unless it is something that will directly affect them, you dont NEED to tell them, you may share if you want, but I dont believe that your complete life is an open book. Something do not need to be discusses or revealed such as abortions, child abuse if you have dealt with it and moved on, ditto on sexual abuse, drug problems from 10years ago, failed marriages as a teen that did not produce children and the divorce is long decreed... While many people believe that those types of things are guaranteed indicators of who you are, I believe that the only thing they are is indicators of who you were.
Some people are luckier than others and may have had the good fortune to have been able to avoid things or situations that have allowed them to have an esier life than other. It doesnt mean they wouldnt have done the same things, it just means they were never put in the position to have to make the choices....
<div class="quote">My question is.....When do you divulge this information? Or should you leave the past behind? If you didn't tell the person and they found out later, would that still be lying?
If it never came up, then, No, I dont think so. I often wonder other than curiosity, why people NEED to know EVERYTHING about your past...... | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 12:30:30 PM | I've had women with a horrendous past try and blow totally out of
proportion some small thing I confided in them!
As if to level the playing field or something!
I've had women tell me, their lives were so dramatic that her doctor told
her she should write a book! But she chose not to talk about it!
AND, I respect that, totally!
One possible exception (obviously) is anything that is bound to effect the future,
with that individual! | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 12:38:48 PM | I think it depends on what it is. There's lots of stuff I don't bring up until I know someone better. I don't think it's possible to say exactly when, you need to figure that out for yourself. I don't bring anything up the first or second date because I rarely go past that, so why bother? I'm just getting a sense of what that person is like and deciding if I want to know them better. However, if it goes beyond the third date and I think it's going to continue, I start letting them know the things that I think might be important for them to know. I don't get heavy about it. I just find some relaxed way to bring it up at a time that seems natural and don't make a big deal out of it.
For me the big thing was when to tell a guy I was bisexual. The guy I'm seeing now, I'd known socially for a couple of years and honestly couldn't remember if I'd ever told him. So one day we were talking about past relationships and I asked him, "Did I ever tell you about my girlfriend?" and he said, "No." "I was living with a woman for six years." "Oh." No big deal to him.
In the past I'd get all heavy about this stuff, finally realized it usually is a bigger deal to me than to them and if I don't get weird about it, it won't get weird. | |
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| Skeletons. How long should you keep them in the closet?
Posted: 10/8/2008 1:11:54 PM | There are no such things of skeletons in a closet, there are only ghosts. What I mean by that is when a person has things that they're ashamed of, it will always crawl out of the closet, just when you think they're dead. The best thing to do is to tell the person about the skeletons, (or rather, ghosts) when you first start going out with eachother, but then establish the fact that those ghosts have been exorcised and they will no longer be an issue.
You can change your phone number, your name, and even your hair color, but you cannot change your past. What you can change is how you handle the past.
-Lee | |
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