| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:12:46 AM | So I've been seeing this guy for few months and we get along great in most aspects, I've never met anyone who I've had such a similar mentality with or shared so many similarities. But one thing really gets me, hes simply does not care as to what he looks like and seems to take pride in his unkept and homely appearance. I'm not a snappy dresser by any means, but I make an effort to look nice, dressing up for special occasions and so forth. I cant imagine anyone going out, even for a simple task like shopping, looking like they just rolled out of bed, in jammies, old stained t-shirt and a hair that could be mistaken for a badly made birds nest.
What bothers me is that the fact that I put so much empasis on it, I guess we're taught to look at the heart first and looks second, but I find his dressing/hygiene habits to be a total turn off, and I know for a fact that he'd look great if he'd tweak with his appearance for a bit.
Is this a fair question to ask him, or will I end up hurting his feelings in the process? I have no idea how to bring it up.  | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:29:17 AM | | Well, you just tell him you don't feel like being with a man you have to send to the showers first. That should do it. Honestly, you are not being unreasonable. You are speaking of something basic. Appearance and hygiene and the first thing you notice about a person, it's the first impression you give to others. Ask him why he wants to give a sloppy first impression and see what he says. Good luck. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:31:19 AM | What bothers me is that the fact that I put so much empasis on it
Yup, it bothers me too. What's he got to look "great" for? OK, if his personal hygiene is poor, and I'm talking about more than appearance here, then yes it is a problem, otherwise it is his life style choice.
So, why is this so important to you? That's the real question in my mind. After all you are with him, so clearly you are attracted to him regardless of how scruffy he appears. Do you feel that you will be judged by others by how he looks? Why is that a problem to you? Do you feel threatened by that?
Why do any of us like "looking great"? Primarily at it biological roots its about being attractive and attracting the opposite sex. We feel good if we feel that we are attractive. We often tend to feel rather uncomfortable however if we are too attractive, and most people downright refuse to beleive that their idea of how great they look is all bound up with sexuality. They say things like I like to look great for myself and stuff like that, when really all appearances are there first and foremost to be looked at by others.
So, this is not really about him at all, it is about you and your attitudes to appearance. He's clearly not that bothered and I doubt that you'll be able to change much. As he has attracted you clearly he has no major problem with how he looks and no great need to change it. Put simply, from his point of view he looks good enough to attract you, so where's the problem?
Is it unreasonable to ask? Possibly, it would depend on how you went about asking. Is it reasonable to expect him to change? No, he is the way he is, and you either like him that way, love him even, or you don't.
edit: I notice that you seem to be so "bothered" about your appearance that you don't even give us the benefit of being able to see what you look like! | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:37:08 AM | There are a few issues her. is it fair to bring this situation up to him? Absolutely. This is obviously something that bothers you and it sounds like it may be the cause of your relationship failing.
Now that said, I am pretty sure that this is not a new development. He was probably like this when you met him. He must have had some other really great things about him for you to fall for the guy. A relatinship is about accepting the person for who they are. There will be good parts about them and there will be some not so good parts. The key is this, are the good parts so good that you can tolerate the bad parts? Is he funny, loving and kind enough that you can live with his unkempt appearance? If so then while you are free to bring it up, it is for him to decide and really just shake your head, gie him a kiss and move on. If you can't then that is fair too! You gave it your best shot and now realize that you just can't tolerate his unkempt appearance in public and break-up. You let him know well in advance that this is an issue. You also let him know in all honesty if this issue is a deal breaker or not. then it is up to him to decide.
If it is a deal breaker though, harp on it a few times so that he is completely aware and if there is no change leave. If it is not a deal breaker, YOU DON'T HARP ON THE MATTER, YOU LET IT REST!! He was like this when you met him and you decided that it was not that big an issue so let it remain a minor annoyance. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:40:43 AM | It is not unreasonable that you would want to go out and be proud of your man.
I will not be seen in public with someone who doesnt take care to make sure that they are/look clean...clean does not equal fancy!
I look at it this way...if I have to train my son as to what is expected socially, why would I tolerate less from a date/mate? That would be hypocritical.
Not to mention, the idea of being intimate with someone who literally rolls out of bed and grabs the first thing off the floor to wear...ew.
You just have to tell him, then follow thru...tell him you are not comfortable going in public with him looking like he just woke up...then stop going out in public with him unless he has brushed his hair and cleaned up. If he cares, he'll snap to...if not, you have some decisions to make. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:50:26 AM | I do not think you are being unreasonable...It is important to me too. I want my fella to be clean and tidy. While he may not be the "smartest dresser" if he's clean and wrinkle free that goes a long way.
I've always been told that the people you hang with do reflect on you. Not sure that I completely buy this, but if his appearance bothers you then talk with him about it. I once dated a man who was much like your fella and I spoke up, he listened and made an effort to be more presentable when with me, and I always encouraged this by telling him how nice he looked when he made the effort.
Good luck, be gentle BUT do get your point across. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:50:44 AM | I'm one of those people who's super conscientious when it comes to outside criticism, I cant help it, its just who I am, to me its important to look presentable and neat, I was raised to believe that messy and dissorganized apperance often mimics the state of our hearts and minds not to mention our lives. I still believe that. Whats wrong with wanting to look nice? or wanting your significant other to have a good first impression on your friends and family? Would it not make him feel good if people treated him differently?(he already complained that some will give him strange looks because of it). Why not try something new?
in regard to my own profile, why would i post my pic if theres no need for it? | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:05:40 AM | It is not unreasonable that you would want to go out and be proud of your man.
The only reason to be proud of him is that he is kempt and stylish? She could possibly be proud of him dispite his appearance, or because he is confident enough to carry himself in a manner that flies in the face of social norms but fits him anyways. I personally would never change something that was truly me, so that someone else could be proud of me. "Hate me for who I am..."
I will not be seen in public with someone who doesnt take care to make sure that they are/look clean...clean does not equal fancy!
While I personaly agree and this may end up being the case, I did not read anywhere in either of the OPs posts that the guy was not clean. Just a slob as far as his APPEARANCE is concerned. They are apples and oranges. She never said that he stank, didn't shower or brush his teeth., just that he had no problem looking like he just rolled out of bed, not that he actually rolled out of bed. Op, perhaps a little clarification is in order. If this is a cleanliness problem then it is a whole different ball game, but if it is a style issue...
I look at it this way...if I have to train my son as to what is expected socially, why would I tolerate less from a date/mate? That would be hypocritical.
Actually, no it would not be hypocritical. You are obligated to teach your child the social norms, but you tourself are not obligated to conform to them. As long as you give your child the tools to thrive in society you have done your job. For example...
If you were into a BDSM lifestyle (For Gods sake, I am not saying that you are it is hypothetical) and found men that wore leather and metal spikes attractive, you are by no means a hypocrite if you DO NOT teach that to your son. On a lesser level, if you really think that guys in big ole cowboy hats are COMPLETELY HAWT (even worse than the leather in my opinion) you are not obligated to teach your son to wear cowboy hats... especially if he lives in the big city. To each their own. Frankly for a long time the whole 'grunge' style was the norm and that was against what was expected socially. So were facial piercings. While you personally may not like facial piercings they are quickly becoming an accepted norm in society. Nose percings are even accepted in many but the most formal of work places. You would probably not even flinch to see a person with a nose piercing today.
Edit: You know, while it was kind of a harsh way of putting it, I can find no fault in Capitano Blaughs logic here. The unreasonable part of what the OP is saying that no one else wants to mention is that he WAS LIKE THIS WHE SHE MET HIM. This was not a problem before. At least not enough of a problem for her to not have him as a boyfriend! To try and change him is somewhat unreasonable when she knew the deal to begin with. Still you can want what you want, but she is changing the rules in the middle of the game. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:13:25 AM | Do both of you a favour and kick him to the curb now.
The guy is clearly comfortable in his own skin. Good on him.
If you get him to change his outside appearance, then you'll want him to hold his fork and knife properly, want him to get a haircut just so, want him to do this that and the other thing. Then there'll be the things you DON"T want him to do anymore.
Go find someone who is exactly as you want. You'll pound this guy into the exact shape you want and then find you are disappointed he let you do it. He'll let you pound him into shape and end up resenting you for always being on his case.
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:26:16 AM | Try to talk about it lightly, without being to serious and direct.
First say something genuine and positive, a real compliment and then suggest something. For example I would tell him that he looks much younger then his age ( if he does) but his haircut is a little updated and make him look older.
I would not consider a bad style a major problem. A lot of guys do not care about clothes. Of course it is great when a guy dresses great. The right clothes and haircut can really improve a person appearance and sex appeal. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 10:30:01 AM | | well if you have brough it up to him imo he just doestn care some people actually want to find someone who likes them for them, not wanting to change for anyone, or anyone that wants to change them | |
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mz one
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Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 8:20:39 PM | | Sounds like you want to change him. Find someone that you can accept just the way he is. Even if he was willing to change for you, he would probably eventually drift back to his natural state. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 8:28:04 PM | don't feel bad about it. it's part of who you are and it's okay.
i am the same way. i am an artistic person who is visual and loves the decorative arts, architecture etc. Being a creative type is why it bothers me when guys dress badly or have no sense of style. for me, that is a HUGE deal breaker. it's not because you are being snobby or demanding, it's part of what attracts you to someone.
i met a man recently that was really attractive in business attire, but when he got home he'd wear leather vests, leather hat with a hippie bandana etc. this was such a turn off for me it killed any attraction that i once had for him. i just couldn't see myself with him. we were totally different...
anyway... if you can some how get him to let you dress him or pick out a new hair cut or something... but as far as the hygiene issues go... that is just gross... YUCK! if he can't change that then what else can you do? that is just repulsive...
lar | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 8:59:47 PM | It was all fine until you said hygiene habits.
Get in the damn water and get to using the soap man!!!
No you are not being unreasonable... | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:03:56 PM | No you are not being unreasonable.. Appearance and hygiene is very important, that is why I usually state in my profile, must take pride in his appearance or a long that line.
Like me I am visual and I like to feel good about my self when I go out with a man and I hope he is proud to be seen with me,
No one is proud to go out with a slob unless you dress like a slob your self and we do see that quite often in public.
Women dressing in only mens clothes is another, God gave us our femaninity, if that is a word and I think we should use it to our best advantage, what if half of the men decided to dress like us women, in stead of 1%.... | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:12:30 PM | IMO I think you are being unreasonable.
So I've been seeing this guy for few months
Is it only starting to bother you now? Why was the issue not brought up when you first realized it? Why did you wait a few months?
Is it his appearance/hygiene that really bothers you, or that he doesn't match up to the idea of who he should be in your head? Or that after all this time he's SUPPOSED to figure out that you want him to address his appearance/hygiene habits, and want to change for you?
Do you consider the possibility that his appearance/hygiene are directly related to personality traits that you find attractive and if he were to change it might lead to a different personality, or questions and doubting discontinuing the personality aspects you like/love about him?
Is this a fair question to ask him, or will I end up hurting his feelings in the process?
It's a fair question, but I think you will hurt his feelings. He may not consciously recognize it at first but he might feel the question "Why now? I've been this way the entire time, why is she asking me this now, or expecting this of me now? It must be based on something else I did wrong."
Or, "Why can't people like/love me for me, and simply accept me the way I am?" | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:21:52 PM | Very good, Capitano. Bravo!
The guy is clearly comfortable in his own skin. Good on him.
If you get him to change his outside appearance, then you'll want him to hold his fork and knife properly, want him to get a haircut just so, want him to do this that and the other thing. Then there'll be the things you DON"T want him to do anymore.
There are other good answers but yours was brief and to the point. What was that one about the woman who changed little things in her man until she realized he wasn't the man she married?
It was all fine until you said hygiene habits.
Get in the damn water and get to using the soap man!!!
No you are not being unreasonable...
If it is this bad, then a few suggestions might be advisable. Otherwise, acceptance is the word. He will eventually appreciate it, if you give him small reminders. It actually says; "I love you" in a special way. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:39:56 PM | Lets get all the facts first.
Was he like this when you first met him or did this happen over time after ?
IF it happened after, he may be trying to tell you something.
Some men are affraid to "talk" about things so they will "act" out their frustrations.
IF he was like this when you met him, then why are you trying to change him now ? | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:43:05 PM | Warning: YOU'RE HOPING TO CHANGE HIM. That's a HUGE red warning flag... and it may well be a breaker. If you can't get your mind around it, you may well lose the whole chimichanga.
Here's the deal: When you met him, his true nature was showing. If you successfully get him to change - to be on "special behavior" around you (and maybe around others), sooner or later he'll revert to his own true nature... and then you'll have to deal with it again. What's more, the longer he hides his true nature for your benefit, the more he'll resent you for denying him his "self".
Give it up. Live with it or live without it. For his sake, for your sake. It apparently is WORKING for him - leave it alone. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:58:49 PM | | First if it is hygene then yes you absolutely have the right to say something. Shower, clean clothes and tooth brushing should not even be an option in anyway. However if it is a simple thing like you don't care for his clothing style or he doesn't match then that is a completely different problem. That is a bit more shallow. I know it was already said that this is how he was when you met him and that is correct. If it is a huge deal to you then talk to him about it. I am sure that he would understand the hygene aspect of it. Most people do. But if you are just out to change him then you should probably move on. That is not fair to either one of you. Everyone deserves to be loved for who and what they are. Simple as that. Good luck. I hope it works out. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:58:50 PM | | You're a better woman than myself because I for one would not even entertain someone who didn't care about their appearance. Stained clothes and stuff? Oh hell no. I doubt we would be dating at all. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 11:11:16 PM | | It's late so I'm not gonna bother reading all the other replies. Forgive me if I repeat something that's already been said. If you were attracted to this guy the way he is WHY do you want to change him now? As long as he bathes what's the big deal? A few months ago I was involved with a man that is the same way, yeah some older guys are that way too. I didn't give a rats a$s what anyone else thought of his appearance as long as he was comfortable with it and sure wasn't going to try to change him in to something he wasn't. | |
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~tag~
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Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 23 | |
| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/13/2008 11:19:29 PM | | If he was like this when you first met him, why was it ok for him to be himself then, but not now? You shouldn't try to change someone to make you happy. He's perfectly fine just the way he is - he just may not be the right one for you - but trust me - he IS the right one for someone else. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 4:23:21 AM | Well said Miss Empress... I don't think I could date some one that doesn't care about his appearance but some of the posts are right when they ask was he like this when you met him, you have dated him this long without saying anything.
My self I have never tried to change a man, would it upset you if someone tried to change you?
As for mentioning it, if you like the guy enough I think you should bring it up in the best way possible. may tell him your feelings but you can't keep dating him unless, yada, yada. This is always going to be an issue it sounds like until you solve it.
Cleanliness is very important to me, these are things we often discuss before even meeting. There is no shortage of soap, water and toothpaste,,
Good luck.. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:00:18 AM | | is this guy a lazy **stard?? what are his goals for the future...both short term and long term? U prolly had sex with this dude early on?? I'm left wondering if he was like this from the beginning, what exactly was the turn-on?? | |
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