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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:10:00 PM | Some people are here for the sociability aspect, that is, looking for dating and friends. Some are looking for long term relationships. My question is: You are over 45, and at this age, it seems more difficult than ever to find 'the one.' Will you be happy to stay single for the rest of your life? I don't mean will you accept it, perhaps reluctantly, but will you be happy to stay single? Is it a preference or an acceptance of reality? Would it be better to date and have short term relationships or no relationships at all, or to have a serious, long term relationship, to be completely involved, perhaps married?
It is possible, based on what I'm learning about single life in these forums perhaps more than possible, that a lot of us, maybe most of us, will end up being single for the rest of our lives, and so I am wondering whether this is something we may just have to accept (for me that's what it would be), or is it something we prefer? | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:53:14 PM | OP, first of all, "finding a date" has never been easier than it has beein post divorce, which I went through at 50. It's not "finding someone", so much, as having been perfectly comfortable having someone to "date" and sleep with, but having my own space and place, too.
In the last year and a half, I've felt more "ready" to try living with someone, and am now in my second "live together" relationship since June, 2007. Who knows how long my current relationship will last? Not that I expect it to end, but it's more a matter of living in the now, rather than worrying about the unknowable future.
I have no "fear" of the concept about the "rest of my life". In fact, if a time ever comes that my sex drive goes dormant, I'd probably prefer to live alone, while having friends to spend time with, without all the loss of autuonomy that comes with cohabitation. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:03:40 PM | | I think for me, it's more a matter of being tired of trying to find Mr. Right. Been married, except for my two kids, it sucked. Dated some since my divorce, they were users (of people or at least of me.) I think that maybe the guy I'm looking for just doesn't exist. So, I guess I just accept being single after 45. Better than getting my heart stomped on again and again. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:10:23 PM | "Would it be better to date and have short term relationships or no relationships at all'
FOR ME, and this is my individual opinion, I wont accept singlehood. It have been 3 yrs since I had a long term love. I have great memories and learned a great deal. BUT no, I will not accetp being single. AND, apparently I dont have to accept this.
The internet has reinforced my zest for a partner. There is nothing that competes for meeting available people.
You asked about short term or no relationships? Its an individual thing. up to you.
BTW, good book to read is "Why men marry some women and not others" by John Molloy
and any of Sheri Argov's books... "Why men marry *itches" ..excellent.
Both books are not age specific and I found them very helpful. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:22:21 PM | From my perspective, it is not that it is more difficult to find "the one" at our age, but rather that as we mature, we learn more about who we are & what we want in a life partner. Most of us have been through several failed relationships, by this point in our lives & we have learned from those relationships.
If my choice is to be single and looking, or married & miserable, then I will remain single. I tried the married & miserable once before & I have no intention of repeating that mistake. At the same time, there is nothing that I would like more, than to find a wonderful life partner, & to spend the rest of my life with her.
So, for now, I seek in hopes that I shall find. While my search, may not result in success, I now know much more about who I am & what qualities I need in a partner, than I did when I was much younger. If that means that I will not remarry & that my life, will not include a partner, then I would prefer that to settling for someone, who is not a good match. Been there, done that & I have paid the atty's. fees to prove it. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:22:44 PM | You asked about short term or no relationships? Its an individual thing. up to you. ...BTW, good book to read is "Why men marry some women and not others" by John Molloy and any of Sheri Argov's books... "Why men marry *itches" ..excellenT.
When I start threads, I do it just to get some discussion going, trying to make things interesting. I am not looking for advice or putting forth a situation of mine that is personal. I am basing the question in this thread on my observations of what I am reading in these forums...many people who have been on POF for a long time, sometimes years, people I am encountering in mails, postings on these threads. I would never even consider a series of short term relationships or just dating. For me, given my location, internet dating is essentially not an option. Although I am open to it happening, I doubt it will; therefore, essentially, I am only here for the forums. I plan to and expect to meet someone, if I do meet someone, in the course of real life and everyday events. Also, I don't believe that all men or all women think, feel and behave alike or according to any formulas (and I have posted this several times previously), so I would never read a book that tells me they do or how to approach a man or a relationship from such a perspective. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/17/2008 11:29:23 PM | I did a thread search and found no threads on this topic. How is it redundant?
I am happy to bring back an old thread, and have done so several times this morning. And in looking at a lot of old threads, I did not see one on this topic, though some of the old threads I was looking at may have caused me to think of this particular topic. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 12:00:27 AM | I agree with Ren Man (don't faint RM)...
My age doesn't make "finding a man" any more or less difficult. I also don't assume I'm going to find The One (gag). It's a game...life is a game...and a most enjoyable one, at that (but it does have its moments)... | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 12:46:42 AM | Hi ismene1,
interesting post...
Will you be happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
If I said yes, I just know some beautiful woman will come into my life and prove me wrong -so, Yes -final answer.
This line of questioning has that negative tone one has when a person feels empty and alone... I personally, feel there is hope with the coming of each day...
I recall a story of a man who finally found the love of a lifetime, a woman in her 80's....a younger man asked him was it worth the wait? Of course you know the answer.... Now that is a long wait....a person set on being single then all of a sudden fireworks at 85...lol
Things at times just happen out of our control -the 'inevitable'.... Is it constructive to dwell on being single, in a short term relationship, married or this or that?.... Personally I feel not...as there are the unknowns which we have no control over and can happen at any moment.....
I am sure there are stats on this......
Anyway, you might be married in several years ...there is the unknown.... 
O:)
PS agree with friendlyfreespirit when she reflects, "My age doesn't make "finding a man" any more or less difficult."
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:52:09 AM | sorry, but this very topic is redundantly redundant!!!
oh, yes it is...
back to OT:
mm, lot's of questions, where to start?
You are over 45, and at this age, it seems more difficult than ever to find 'the one.'
why would this age be any more difficult than say, when I was in my 20's? I'm picky and didn't marry the first guy I fell for back then, nor am I willing to make the next man that I care for the next mr. #2, now. I had many long term and short term relationships before I married, but I didn't consider them "the one", just for the sake having "the one". I've learned it's better not to script ones life. life throws too many curve balls to risk all on a "maybe"...I prefer to see how it goes, and not to set my egg timer on "finding the one".
Will you be happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
I don't plan on staying unhappy for the rest of my life just because I haven't 'replaced' the 'prior' one. my well-being doesn't and won't hinge on finding a mate.
Is it a preference or an acceptance of reality?
I don't understand how "it" can be anything other than a reality. I prefer to live 'in the now', not in the time of 'what if'. you can't force the issue of love and meeting the one that meshes with us. either we are fortunate and do encounter this rare soul, or we don't.
that's about as real as it gets. 
Would it be better to date and have short term relationships or no relationships at all, or to have a serious, long term relationship, to be completely involved, perhaps married?
what is better for anyone? we have our aspirations, our limitations, some their deal-breakers, only we can answer that for ourselves.
we DATE first in the process of meeting a match, which may or may not lead to a short term, a long term, or married union. jumping in the dating pool with getting married as the ultimate goal is putting the cart before the horse, IMO. best not to script the heart. isn't companionship really the goal in this arena, finding someone 'who gets us', someone who mutually can accept our foibles and kinks?
I'm sure you will hear many who have a "preference", and even a few that accept reality.....as it is.  | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 2:42:05 AM | why would this age be any more difficult than say, when I was in my 20's? maybe not for you, but based on what I have been reading in many threads, about being more picky, being more set in their ways, etc., it does seem, my impression is that people seem to find it more difficult....and many have said how it was easier to meet people, how it just happened...
At least in part, the original post was wondering if people were prefering to stay on their own.
I did do a thread search and invite anyone to find an old thread that directly addresses this topic. Maybe I didn't phrase the wording in my search just the right way. For people who have been around POF for a long time, maybe it is redundant. For newer people, maybe it isn't. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 2:45:28 AM |
You are over 45, and at this age, it seems more difficult than ever to find 'the one.
It does? If it didn't happen before, why would it be more difficult now? Experience makes it easier. But it does not make the right person more available.
I don't mean will you accept it, perhaps reluctantly, but will you be happy to stay single?
If necessary. No company is better than bad company.
Would it be better to date and have short term relationships or no relationships at all
A series of short ones could be a series of failures, if you're one of those who find breaking up to be a miserable business. Sounds unstable to me. I'll wait. There are far-worse predicaments than too much privacy. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 4:24:31 AM |
For people who have been around POF for a long time, maybe it is redundant. For newer people, maybe it isn't.
actually, although my "joined" date is 11/07, I didn't become active on this site till around 2/08. my observations come not from this site, but from my own life experiences....and maybe becoming a geriatric born-again-dater had something to do with my responses.
again, IMO, common sense can play a good part in how we play this game called dating/seeking a mate/whatever. I've been burned, but I've also learned from my experiences, and learned a lot about myself in the process. no one wants to be doomed to repeat the same negative experiences over and over, sooner or later, that light bulb goes on and we "see" things differently...hopefully, we become enlightened. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 5:31:03 AM | | Will I be happy to remain single? No. Will I accept being single as opposed to accepting just any one? Yes. I’m good at being alone and for the most part have spent a lot of time in my life alone; I rather like it at times. Being single doesn’t keep me from doing things; I still go to the movies, walk and go out for dinner by myself. Some people have said I’m too independent and that it can be a turn off. Then again, I would rather wait for the right one than just anyone. I do have a longing to share though. Oh well, in time. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 5:46:24 AM | For me, I believe that it definitely is more difficult to find "the one" at this age. The usual factors of fewer available men, my personal expectations, etc, all enter into it, but possibly more important is the fact that I've already experienced marriage and I know that the reality of marriage isn't what I thought that it would be before I first married when I was in my 20's. I know that as the years pass, the obligations and experiences of everyday life can change a relationship...sometimes for the better, and as many of us here have experienced, often not. Those experiences can change a once loving relationship into something else, and I don't plan to have that happen again.
Will I be happy to remain single the rest of my life? My real hope is to find someone to establish a long term relationship with, but to remain unmarried and probably maintain separate residences. Whether this will actually happen is a mystery. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:19:19 AM | Good question OP! I bounce back and forth on this all the time so I guess that means that I am nowhere near making any type of decision on this issue. I talk to fellows here that live way far away so no chance of ever meeting up. That tells me something right there. I am not actively seeking to date. Another so called flag. Not too sure if this is a slump or if this is going to be the way that I end out my life. Sometimes I really want to be involved in a serious loving relationship again, and other times, I couldn't care less. I "think" though, that if I was to meet someone that I clicked with, perhaps that would change how I am presently feeling. Just not sure anymore. How is that for a jumbled up mess darlin? | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:21:02 AM | As I thought more about this, there is a thought that came to mind on this topic.
The motivation to date for many, if not most, is sex drive. That is a natural need, given to us by nature, to make us want to procreate. Since the dawn of time, up until the late 60s, birth control was unreliable at best, so having sex was perceived as taking a great risk of pregnancy, and most people, especially women, looked at any sexual relationship as having to be "about" wanting to "mate for life".
Tied in with birth control, I think, the phenomenon of divorce being almost as common an outcome for first marriages as "til death do us part", and greater opportunities in the workplace making it less an "imperative" for a woman to have a husband, and things have changed. Having a relationship, for a time, is not viewed as a "failure" by everyone. People can date, have sex, be close, while it's good, without "having to" "stick it out", when it no longer is.
I think that's why many people, who are actively dating, see relationships, more often, as "one day at a time", rather than "happily ever after", whether the two people are happy or not, by establishing a legal marriage contract.
Many of the people I know, who are "marriage minded" are, in my opinion, somewhat dysfunctional, unsure of their own identities, so "needing" to be married. Often such people remind me of 10 year old girls "planning their weddings", where marriage is the goal, and the "who I marry?" being relatively unimportant.  | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:33:33 AM |
I "think" though, that if I was to meet someone that I clicked with, perhaps that would change how I am presently feeling.
I don't know you, but I have the impression that's what it would take to clarify things...the right guy appearing on the scene...  | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:39:40 AM | | ^^Awe thanks sweetie! I am just at this funky stage in my life at present. But I am smart enough to understand that whilst feeling this way, I choose to remain on the outside looking in! I really don't think I wish to remain single forever but who knows? We can all say what we "desire". Whether or not that comes to fruition is up to fate I guess. So on this topic, I guess I don't have a solid opinion! | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:46:48 AM | In my case the "til death do us part" felt like a life prison sentence the last few years of my marriage. I will be very, very careful about whom I marry if I marry again. Besides, as a single man having raised and educated my children I love the freedom I now have to do what I want when I want and the variety and availability of women. The pill did not come along until late in my undergraduate years and most women had to be pursued and courted before they would have sex although of course there were a few easy ones around. Then, I got married just as the situation was improving with the advent of the pill. I wanted to get married and it was time for me to get married but I missed being single during the free love, sex and rock and roll days of the late sixties. So today my feeling is why settle for just one when there are so many women to enjoy, not just sexually, but in many other ways.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
All that being said, if I met "the one" I would remarry. Right now I am considering a woman I am seeing but the jury is still out, so one never knows. Men can change their minds in an instant and decide to marry a woman, giving up that future stream of a variety of women who are bound to come into their lives and their beds. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:52:37 AM | | ^^^And therein lies a lot of the problem with middle aged dating. No offense Mr. Fly. But I have found that your thoughts are not all that uncommon. A lot of men my age come from failed marriages, simply because they were very young and did not get the opportunity to "experience" life the way they wanted to. I don't blame them at all. I just think that it makes the dating scenario much more difficult in trying to find someone who has already sowed his oats so to speak. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:00:23 AM | I think that you manifest what you BELIEVE, so if you believe you will stay single...if you belive you will find love, marriage, etc, you will!
My beef is that I think many middle aged men & women focus on the wrong thing in finding a prospective partner...men seem to want Barbie, women seem to want $$$
when you get narrow in what you focus on, you may miss out on the partner who is perfect for you & vice versa!
And by the way, to the guy who posted a few posts above me I am a woman & a human being, not a "cow" or an animal
I hope everyone gets exactly what they deserve
 mad cow disease
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 24 | |
| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:01:21 AM | Hi, Ismene, and this is a thought-provoking thread. I always enjoy reading your posts, and this one made me stop and think.
As others have noted, things have just changed SO much in our society. The ages deemed to be "old", "washed up", etc. are no longer seen that way for the most part. I posted in an earlier thread that in going through some of my late grandmother's belongings, my mother and I found an obituary for her own grandmother. She passed away at the age of 75, and my mother was surprised (Mom is now 76, but doesn't look or act like whatever 76 years old is "supposed" to be...!) Mom also noted that she had always thought of her grandmother as an "old woman". Of course, I had to tease Mom a bit about that one...she's not an "old woman" by any means!
Fast-forward to today. Again as noted by others, the advent of birth control plus women becoming much more equal in the workplace revolutionized the concept of "marriage" and "divorce". No longer was it an absolute requirement for women in particular to be married by a certain age, or else be doomed to eternal spinsterhood. And for men, I believe our societal changes also opened other possibilities.
Now, I would be lying if I said I would be "happy" to stay single for the rest of my life. But, I don't exactly mean marriage or living together. For a variety of reasons, I feel more confident sexually and emotionally at 46 than I ever did before. Rather strange, isn't it? It's a combination of having much more self-esteem, feeling more settled in my career, and honestly -- NOT really caring that much any more about the opinions of others! (Not that I am a "wild woman on the prowl". Doesn't exactly suit my personality...!)
Ideally, I still very, very much hope to meet someone who feels the same way about me that I do for him. A long-term relationship without necessarily getting married or living together would also be wonderful. I have to be careful because that self-doubt still creeps in; I don't seem at this point to be too successful at attracting men who feel the same way. However, I can't express enough how great it is finally to feel more confident in every way. Took me long enough.... | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:02:52 AM |
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
RE: Post 21
I thought this post was interesting and made me think of my own undergrad years, in the late 60s/early 70s, UNTIL I read the portion quoted above. That threw me back to the WWII generation, and the way that they thought about marriage.
In the "days of yore" most "decent" women had the goal to "marry a good provider", and sex was their source of "power", since they had little in the marketplace. The vast majority of "respectable" women either "saved it for marriage" and the social fiction was that every marriage was betwee two virgins.
So, yeah, in the 1940s, 50s......"why buy the cow...?" etc. sort of applied.
Now, it sounds ridiculously old fashioned, and it really demeans women. In my industry, women are every bit as powerful and successful as men. That's true in many places, and it's only the "losers" in life, who are looking at men based first on them being "good providers", which is not to say that men and women don't consider the implications of what each does for a living.
Women, in the current era, are free to date whomever they find attractive, and have been empowered to acknowledge and act on their sexual needs, wants, and desires. It is generally the poorly educated, dysfunctional men, who cling to the "double standard". I don't think you're one of them, gaddflye, which is why that line surprised me. I think, maybe, you mean, why should people get married, if they aren't going to have children, so long as they can establish a fulfilling sexual relationship? | |
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