| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:54:02 AM | I was sitting at home last night when I got a call from an Ex of mine that is a single mom. We dated yrs ago and remained friends. But we didn't talk to frequently though. She was the first single mom that I dated and I would've been with her today if she hadn't decided to try and work things out with her ex at the time. Well that stayed together for a little longer and she had another kid with him as well. 
Well I haven't heard anything from her in over 6 months until she called me lastnight. I asked her the usually what have you been up to and that's when she told me what she had done. She said that she had meet a guy online about a yr ago and things went well for her and him. She said that she's just fell in love with the guy.
I said ok, and then that's when she told me that she was no longer in the state and that in fact she was out west somewhere. I was shocked when I heard that. I asked her was her daughters out there with her. She said no. I asked her did she plan on bringing them out later and she said no. She said that she had given her ex full custody of her daughters. She use to say how the ex didn't spend enough time with them and how he was an ass and so on. I asked her why the guy couldn't move to be with her and she said that he had a good job and couldn't afford to leave.
So I asked her, "What kind of man would make a woman give up her kids for him?" She replied that he was a really good man and I have no right to judge him. I said, "ok" to her and backed off and listened to whatelse she had to say about him. Well I asked her how she liked the town and how it is out there, she told me that she can't go out unless he's with her. I aksed her why and she gave the lame excuse that he's afraid for her safety. I asked does he live in a bad neighborhood and she said no. And then she cover for him by saying that she can get absent minded at times and might lose her way. I told her she never was like that as far as I can remember. I also asked her did she meet any of her new neighbors and she said that he has to be with her when she does that.
She said that he doesn't like her talking to any of her friends because they are a bad influence on her. So she had to sneak on the phone to me while he was still at work. After hearing all of that, I told her that she is a lot weaker than what I remembered of her. She said what do you mean. I told her that she was pathetic and stupid for giving up full custody of her kids and moving over a 1000 miles away to be with some controling loser. She got pissed at me for saying that and cursed me and said that I was a big mouth a**hole and that she never wanted to talk to me again. Then slammed down the phone and that was that.
I know that it is a long winded post, but I felt like I needed to saying what I did. But I do still care about her as a friend and I feel that she's throwing away a future with her daughters for shot at love with a loser.
Do any of you think I did the right thing and told her the truth about how I viewed her giving up full custody of her kids for a controlling loser like that? | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 12:21:48 PM | If you know her family I would clue them in to what is happening. He sounds like a major control freak/abuser. The isolation and always having to be with her are classic indicators of that... she needs to get out while she still can!!
As to your question, no I would not give up custody of my kids for anyone or thing. | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 12:28:39 PM |
Do any of you think I did the right thing and told her the truth about how I viewed her giving up full custody of her kids for a controlling loser like that?
Yeah.
Do I think it'll have any effect? No. There may be a day that comes when she realizes you were right, but that's about it.
Don't you think it also seems a little odd that she had met the guy over a year ago, but when you talked to her last about 6 or so months ago that she didn't mention anything about him? He's obviously had her pretty scared right from the start. I get the impression she called you because she knows she's screwed up, but she's too scared to do anything about it. You've done as much as you can... it's up to her to do the rest. | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:48:08 PM | Absolutely not....
Then again, for anyone who has been in an abusive situation knows how hard to see how bad things are while you are in it until you hit rock bottom... and the excuses are endless.
Hopefully your friend will think long and hard about what you said and get out sooner then later.
Just be glad that she DID give up her daughter to be with him.... otherwise she would be exposed to that sh!t too... and the cycle would get carried on....
Good luck to them! | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 4:32:30 PM | | Come on... how many men here constantly claim they never got custody of the kids? So this mom gave full custody to her ex, she didn't leave them in a dumpster, they are with their dad. This makes her a loser how? Maybe the kids didn't want to move from their home, or their school. Maybe the dad was thrilled to have them and it was a great arrangement for everyone. Maybe she raised them on her own for 10 years, and decided she deserved the chance to find love again and put her KIDS best interests first (even with a man that to us does not look like that great a catch, but we know he has a good job and they love one another - the OP felt he was controlling, but keep in mind he has never met the man). Who are most of you to judge, as most of you have had terrible relationships ending with you raising your kids alone and your ex doing a disappearing act. HER ex HAS the kids - great for everyone! She never said she didn't want to be their mother anymore, custody was shifted to the other parent. She didn't abandon them. She took a chance in her life to find someone, and it seems like your impression was he is controlling - but she is doing it without putting her kids through it first, unlike some other threads where the ex is living upstairs having sex with a new man while the dad is downstairs going on bowling dates with his woman friend. Maybe due to a custody order she was prohibited from moving out of state, so she wanted her kids to be with their FATHER and give herself a chance to find something she wanted, while having her kids stay in the same environment they have lived for years. If her kids were a little older, perhaps she felt if she didn't take the chance now, her kids would soon be out of the house in college or whatnot and she would be alone. I think a lot of you are being very quick to judge, without thinking the whole thing through, from her perspective. I think calling her a "loser" is pretty harsh, considering the many factors involved with making such a decision. And do not forget the DAD has custody. It does not sound like the new guy MADE her give up her kids - she didn't give them up, she and her ex have simply reversed roles and now he has them full-time. | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 5:08:44 PM | I could not/would not give up the people i carried under my heart. "Finding love" would not trump my wanting to be with my kids every day. I just love them to much.
Yes i think she is a loser. Im not one who hates the ex-i love and adore my former husband and will all my life, that has no bearing on my opinion that she is a loser.
If my husband had asked me to give up my kids there is no way on earth i would have married him, i mighta took his cuffs and nightstick and beat hm though for even suggesting a thing! | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:42:37 PM | This is Domestic Abuse 101. The description she gave you of this guy and his behaviours is textbook abuser behaviour.
This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with what a loser SHE is. Victims of domestic abuse are not losers. They are vulnerable people with some fairly significant issues that allow them to become victims of abuse but they are not losers. And it has everything to do with him.
I am astonished that anyone could see this as simply as case of a woman deciding to find love, role reversal with Dad taking custody, blah, blah, blah. Whilst that might be valid in some situations, it is clearly not the case here.
the OP felt he was controlling, but keep in mind he has never met the man Did you read the post? She said she was not allowed out of the house without him, that she is not allowed to speak to any of her friends and has resorted to sneaking phone calls to them when he is out of the house. She is not allowed to meet/speak with her neighbours unless he is with her. She has given up custody of her children to a man she had previously regarded as a poor father and role model.
There is nothing you can do OP. And unfortunately calling her "weak" will only make the situation worse. It will simply reinforce the way she feels about herself already and entrench her in the victim's position.
Anyway, there is little to be done in a situation. It would be good for you to stay in touch, to provide support for if/when she is able to recognise she is being abused. But if you cannot do it without judgment, then you are probably of no support to her anyway. | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:35:26 PM | Victims of domestic abuse are not losers. They are vulnerable people with some fairly significant issues that allow them to become victims of abuse but they are not losers. And it has everything to do with him. I don't give a shit. She is responsible for lives other than her own, and to involve them or to dump them off (with someone she says was a shitty father and an ass no less) to go be with someone else, whether he controls her or not, makes her much worse than a loser. | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:52:50 PM |
^^^Unfortunately whilst ignorant attitudes around domestic abuse such as this exist, it can only serve to further entrench it's existence in our communities and keep victims from seeking the support and help they need.
How about these "victims" take responsibility for being fools and making stupid decisions? Why should we coddle them for being clueless? Domestic abuse is serious, but when a woman chooses to stay with a man who begins to show the signs of being a controller, then she doesn't have my sympathy. | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 8:07:36 PM | How about these "victims" take responsibility for being fools and making stupid decisions? Why should we coddle them for being clueless? Domestic abuse is serious, but when a woman chooses to stay with a man who begins to show the signs of being a controller, then she doesn't have my sympathy. I don't suppose it has occurred to you that if victims of domestic abuse had the mental and emotional capabilities to to "take responsibility" as you put it that they wouldn't be victims of domestic abuse in the first place?
Like I said, ignorant judgmental attitudes are one of the key factors in allowing domestic abuse to continue and keeps victims from seeking help. Saying domestic abuse is a "choice", that victims are "clueless" and calling them "fools" who have made "stupid decisions" is what gets women and children killed.
I am curious how you can acknowledge domestic abuse is serious and at the same time codemn and blame victims for entering into and remaining in these relationships.
I only pray that the posters here with these astoundingly ignorant views never have a friend or relative who is a victim. Your attitude is likely to keep them from ever getting out. | |
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| Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner?
Posted: 10/18/2008 8:28:55 PM |
Saying domestic abuse is a "choice", that victims are "clueless" and calling them "fools" who have made "stupid decisions" is what gets women and children killed.
No, staying with someone who is abusing you, emotionally or physically, is what gets you killed.
I only pray that the posters here with these astoundingly ignorant views never have a friend or relative who is a victim. Your attitude is likely to keep them from ever getting out.
Yeah sure, blame it on my attitude that these women are staying with abusive men. They're adults, and if they want to remain in denial and not reach out for help, then I suppose it's my fault? Please... | |
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