| | buying your way out of troublePage 1 of 1 | I have noticed in my relationships that often if a man has done something that really angers me or hurts me, and I bring it to his attention, instead of talking about it, or apologizing, he often wants to buy me something or take me someplace. I mean to me, that makes absolutely no sense. If I have a problem how he is acting, I want to deal with the behavior, let him be aware of it and work on it not happening again. A piece of jewelry or a nice dinner isn`t going to fix thing. A sincere apology and some real affection might. Whey is this so hard? It would sure be cheaper.
My ex husband , when he would get me all riled up and crying used to say to me " What about that gold necklace I bought you last Christmas?" I would respond " does that give you jerk liscense for a year?"
Please explain. does this work with some women? And why is buying something easier than fessing up that you hurt her feelings and telling her that you care and will try not to do it again? I just don`t get it, and am insulted by trying to be bought off. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:22:44 PM | It's called a peace offering.
Basically, it's that guys are more comfortable dealing with concrete things (like gifts) than with feelings and such. And because it's symbolically supposed to represent the acknowledgment that they screwed up and all that, only without actually using words... because words don't mean much, usually. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:27:00 PM | If I have a problem how he is acting, I want to deal with the behavior, let him be aware of it and work on it not happening again.
Ouch!! That sounds as if you are dating children.
If I screw up and try to do something special to make up for it, I hope the girl isn't looking at it as buying my way out, I guess I could save a ton of money in the future. :-P
I'm not that jaded, I do my best, and most other guys do as well. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:31:59 PM | I`ll tell you why it is so insulting. When a man won`t say "I`m sorry , I care about you and I will try not to do it again" and rather just buys something, to me he is saying, "here take this thing and shut up about it. That way I can do it again. If I buy you something , I can treat you however I wish." That is for your prostitute, not your girlfriend. Just clarifying the difference in how men and women view this type of thing.
It`s the same as when a guy won`t let you pay for anything on a date, but everything better go his way, and you better be greatful and hopefully feel sexually attracted because he paid for everything. That just doesn`t work. Many women do not get sexually attracted to a guy just because he insists on paying for everything. If he does this and then feels you owe him something, it is the biggest turn off that there is. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:52:31 PM | The golden rule to minimize damages after arguments is: "Mess up, Fess up, Dress up."
Mess Up - Will happen, deal with it.
Fess Up - Admit fault a.s.a.p.
Dress Up - Try to fix the problem.
Trying to buy your way out with gifts just adds aggravation to a bad situation.   | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:55:51 PM |
... instead of talking about it, or apologizing, he often wants to buy me something or take me someplace. I mean to me, that makes absolutely no sense. .... A piece of jewelry or a nice dinner isn`t going to fix thing. A sincere apology and some real affection might. Whey is this so hard? It would sure be cheaper.
1) It's not a buy-out, it's a silencer, i.e. an attempt to get you to STFU.
2) Men learn quickly that a sincere apology may soothe your feelings, however, it does not make you STFU.
3) Price is not the issue. The issue is that they want you to STFU. Now. NOW.
4) The more they want you to STFU, the bigger the silencer.
When men make errors they need to evaluate the actions that led to the error. They need to sit and think about it. They want to play the event in their heads a few times to get the details straight. This is tough if you are continually yammerin' away.
We heard you the first time. Now STFU and let us get to work. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 12:17:29 AM | Different people, express love in different ways. In fact, most of us tend to express love, either in the way that we wish others to express their love to us, or in the way that we have seen love most commonly expressed by a parent. There is a very good book on this, called The Five Love Languages. In the book the author identifies the five most common way that people express love.
Words of Affirmation
This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.
Quality Time
Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.
Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.
Acts of Service
Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.
Physical Touch
Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need
From what you have written, it seems that you and your partners are not communicating on how you need to be shown that you are loved. It seems that they have been showing their love for you, through the giving of gifts, quality time or through acts of service, while what you wanted/needed was words of affirmation. Your partners are not trying to buy you off, they are showing contrition, through an act (like buying you a nice necklace or taking you out to dinner), rather than by saying, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."
A lot of men are not good at talking about their feelings & as a result, we often choose to show how we feel, rather than say it. Also, for a lot of us, the axiom of "talk is cheap" is so ingrained that we don't even think about simply saying, I'm sorry. We feel the need to do something, to show that we are. We are not trying to buy you off, but rather, we are trying to express our love to you.
Think about it. When a man asks you to be his wife, what does he do? He buys you a very expensive ring, as an outward sign of his love for you. Just is that ring is not meant to buy your affection, neither is a gift of a necklace an attempt to buy your forgiveness. It is simpy a way of saying, I am sorry & I love you.
For what it is worth, I really would suggest that you try reading the book, to see if it provides some insight to you on what is happening. You may need to let your partner know that for you, words of affirmation have great meaning and that while gifts are nice, what you really need is to hear the words that let you know how he feels. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 12:29:34 AM | My second husband couldn't keep his d*ck in his pants and fooled around quite a bit, although at the time he denied it. Whenever I felt he was up to no good and confronted him about it, he would swear that I was mistaken and he would never cheat on me. Then he would by me diamond earrings or a diamond necklace or a diamond whatever. My best friend, Carol, called the my 'Guilt Diamonds', and that's exactly what they were. He bought them for me to assuage his own guilt for not only cheating on me, but lying about it, to boot.
Most women would much rather have their man admit to their discretion, no matter what it is, and sincerely apologize, than to try to buy their way out of it. It does make us feel as though you think we can be bought. If you want to buy the woman you love a gift, do it for a special occasion or no reason at all. Doing it to make up for hurting her only reminds her of the pain. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 2:43:52 AM | The high maintenance women like this kind of thing, a diamond bracelet, a new porche, a holiday in the Bahamas. Anything less - is just well confusing.
Msg: 9 - well said hunni - who wants a box full of bad memories even if they do sparkle. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 2:55:19 AM | | Simple.... men do not know how to say sorry, im sure its in their genes! What men do not seem to realise is that women just want a apology if they have done something wrong, like we would apologise if it were the other way round! Buying things does not sort the problem out it just brushes it under the cover after all could you imagine if a women said no i dont want the gift i just want a apology... god all hell would break lose and we would be seen as so ungrateful! Men do this simply cos they are incapable of talking about their feelings, admiting when they are wrong, and saying sorry! (let me say not all men, but alot!) | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 4:49:24 AM | When I messed up, I would always apologize. Of course, I would also write her a poem or send a card just to help. So, it's not "all men", and it's probably not even "most men" who have communication difficulties. Really now, ladies, you don't find men responding to sincere questions with a terse "nothing" when something is obviously wrong!  The real question, OP, is why do you choose men who don't communicate well? Maybe next time you should pick someone who comes with good communication skills built in and skip the whole training thing. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 6:12:41 AM | | From personal experience: (1) Women never go for just an apology; (2) If all a guy does is apologize, he'll hear about it over and over until he demonstrates how sorry he is in some way; (3) Cards are good for minor arguments; (4) Flowers fix almost anything; (5) Women rarely apologize. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 7:48:54 AM | Please explain. does this work with some women? And why is buying something easier than fessing up that you hurt her feelings and telling her that you care and will try not to do it again? I just don`t get it, and am insulted by trying to be bought off.
Read this thread. It's about why guys avoid talking about their problems.
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts10768124.aspx | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 10:37:42 AM |
If I have a problem how he is acting, I want to deal with the behavior, let him be aware of it and work on it not happening again.
In other words, you want to work on your guy, get him to confess his wrongdoings, and see how you can get him to change so that you will feel good in the future.
Not gonna happen.
It's true that the most sincere form of apology is to change your behavior so that it doesn't recur, but this is difficult, and takes time and effort. Buying a gift is easier. However, you cannot change a person, whether by insult (the "jerk license" comment) or by more polite persuasion.
Just tell the guy you don't want a gift; you just would like it if it didn't happen again. Anything more, and you are just as guilty as he is of screwing up the relationship. | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 12:08:45 PM | | ^^^^^^^^If wanting him not to do it again and saying something is screwing up the relationship to him, he wouldn`t have to worry about having to hear it again because I would be gone , dealing with an attitude like that. | |
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bob144
| | Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 18 | |
| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 1:16:32 PM | | Most men do not know how to listen. We do not understand feelings at all,not our own and certainly not yours. We can be trained to listen and be empathic but it is very difficult. I guess I would suggest you set down and say I know you bought me the necklass because you love me. But what I need now is for you to listen and try to feel what I am feeling. And remember, the guy does not have a clue. I have heard women say, "He should know what I need," or, "He should know what I am feeling." That would be nice but we don't. Ask us about our hobby and we can talk for hours but ask us what we are feeling and the best we might come up with is, "Tired." | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 1:56:06 PM |
If wanting him not to do it again and saying something is screwing up the relationship to him, he wouldn't have to worry about having to hear it again because I would be gone , dealing with an attitude like that.
I wrote, "anything more" than telling him. This means that telling someone once and in a calm manner is OK. Telling them repeatedly, issuing ultimatums, trying to make plans for change....this makes you just as guilty in screwing up the relationship. | |
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WackMC
| | Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 20 | |
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| buying your way out of trouble
Posted: 10/19/2008 6:07:10 PM | Yes...in these cases...usually the Woman has gotten to be an Annoying Pest...like a crabby kid, or puttering old lady.
Usually it's easier to shut her up with a gift, and it usually work. | |
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