| | How do I get past the friend complex?Page 1 of 1 | That's pretty much it, but an example.
I was talking with this girl who I'd known for a while, and we talked things out, and everything was great, she said she needed some time, and I was totally willing to oblige. Then she comes back with the "I really see you as one of my best friends, like a brother."
Not is this a nice way of saying "I would never!!!" or is it an actual realization. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/22/2008 8:22:55 PM | Coming from personal experience, it's probably a little of both.
Unfortunately, by being too nice and just being a good friend, you end being just the friend. A girl needs that, your role is very important but to avoid becoming everyone's "best buddy", try being more aggressive and unavailable.
I know it's hard and probably out of character for you, but many girls like it when the guy shows his swagger. It's hard to explain, but when we know you will be there to wipe every tear and listen to our sagas, we don't necessarily wanna jump in bed with you. (meaning, we do not get those sexy warm fuzzies inside)
I hope this makes sense for ya. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/22/2008 8:30:09 PM |
many girls like it when the guy shows his swagger. It's hard to explain, but ...
You've heard it from a girl and I'll go on to share that you might see less of the "friend complex," if you begin evaluating the first impression you're making on girls. A curt way to put it is: You need to come off as a sexual being.
Luckily for you, meeting a girl on a dating web site is doing most of that work for you. The odds of a girl from this site getting the "friend complex" is slim. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/22/2008 8:30:31 PM | It's a kind way of rejecting you yet keeping you around so she can explore her options.
I'm going to waste a response with my translation.
When a woman says "I really see you as one of my best friends, like a brother" it means:
"I really just want to keep you as a pet, at my beck and call. You have to give me manly advice, yet let me cry on your shoulder as you tell me everything's going to be okay. You have to come jump my car battery and kill the bugs in my sink. I need you to listen and take my side as I judge all the **stards I date in my life. I need you to hang out with me and keep other guys away when I need it, and introduce me to your cute friends. Without question, and according to my whim, desire, and schedule.
I need you to act like my boyfriend, provide romance and validation, but never expect or desire anything from me. In other words I simply want you to give me everything you would the love of your life without expecting, desiring, or hoping for any reciprocating gestures. Of course I allow you to hope that on some dark time in my life when I feel lonely, dejected, maybe drunk, I may use you for sex, but immediately following that you have to pretend like it never happened and go back to being my friend/brother."
Oh no!...I've become cynical and jaded. I would say misogynistic if I weren't already a misanthrope. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/22/2008 9:25:24 PM | ^^^^^ Absolutely Correct!!!!!!!
I call it the "Friend, buddy, brother speech", i.e. I could never" do" you, you're my...
Basically you're toast, it's time to move on. Please don't be like me, I wasted 15 yrs. on this 'kinda shit. Yes, I freely admit I was a dumbass! (but I'm getting better....lol) | |
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heroco
| | Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 6 | |
| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/22/2008 9:43:55 PM | | in my opion once u r in the friend zone u never get out ,,,, stop being too available and start lookin for another woman , this one is not urs | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/22/2008 11:21:16 PM | well mate i got to say, first you gotta a choice: or you try to show her that you want more than just a friendship or you move on. My suggestion would be you pick her alone and well show her that you want more than just her friendship (or make her understand so, depends on your personality and situation really) and if that dont work well stick with the friendship thingy and move on, wasting anymore time (specialy if you want a relationship) will be useless. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 5:07:24 AM | | You reap what you sow...its that simple. If you go out there as Mr. Friend you will attract Ms. Friends. If you go out there as Mr. Date you will attract Ms. Date. Both of these though tend to attract pretty limited relationships. How about simply meeting people and being open to what anyone brings. Some will come naked and bring beer and others will come with heart. Its all good and the more you accept the more comes your way. Either you know you are "worth it" in all respects or you have doubts. If you have doubts then its not for a woman to fix that. So stand up mate! Tell em you're out there. Wear sox that match on Sundays. And remember, its all good. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 5:28:05 AM | I know it's hard and probably out of character for you, but many girls like it when the guy shows his swagger. It's hard to explain, but when we know you will be there to wipe every tear and listen to our sagas, we don't necessarily wanna jump in bed with you. (meaning, we do not get those sexy warm fuzzies inside)
And that's where women mess themselves up. You don't want that initially but you do after the relationship is secured. Now how do you expect that to happen when the men that do provide that are upfront about it yet put in the friends zone while the one's that don't are looked at as potential SO's? And then ya'll come out and start complaining that your men aren't there for you. Well the men are but ladies, you dont want them. You toss them to the side for what IMO is nothing more than stupidity.
Women should actually be going after men that have the necessary skills to LISTEN and COMPREHEND what they are saying if they want long lasting relationships. That's REAL chemistry because both are actually TUNED into each other. In other words, the men you put in the friends zone are probably the one's that will make you the happiest in the long run because the really understand you. Think about that.
Nothing will take you out of the friend zone if she's not sexually attracted to you and, trust me, swaggering will not suddenly take you from Shia Lebouf to Christian Bale.
As age takes it toll, I'm guessing that's going to play less and less of a role and what puts men in the friend zone will actually make them more attractive and viable. Afterall, when you get past your sexual prime and sex in general, what's left? In the older years though, a bunch of the women are going to be left out because when all they have to offer is friendship and nothing else, the men are going to be looking at younger women. So I tend to agree with the sexual attraction viewpoint to a degree but it's not what really leads to any long lasting relationship. My guess is that a lot of people aren't looking for one anyway.
He's now back on the scene but there's a wedge between us because of this disappearing, game playing thing that he did which, effectively, led to us growing apart. So if you want to lose a friend in the process, by all means, try the swaggering thing out. If you never really saw her as a friend, you've got nothing to lose.
He was never sincere to begin with so that's another thing to be leery of. In that case, I agree with you.
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Erai
| | Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 5:48:08 AM |
I know it's hard and probably out of character for you, but many girls like it when the guy shows his swagger. It's hard to explain, but when we know you will be there to wipe every tear and listen to our sagas, we don't necessarily wanna jump in bed with you. (meaning, we do not get those sexy warm fuzzies inside)
I think the operative word here is "girl." Women are way past games and frankly, playing "hard to get" has never made me more interested in a man. It's just made me think "what a jacka.ss".
The simple fact of the matter is when you're not sexually attracted to someone they're a friend. Because, let's face it, what is a boyfriend or a girlfriend, if not your best friend that you bump uglies with? I know that's what my boyfriends were. We'd hang out, have fun, I'd like talking to them, they understand me, listen to my sagas and wipe the tears but they still gave me the warm and fuzzies inside because I was sexually attracted to them.
Nothing will take you out of the friend zone if she's not sexually attracted to you and, trust me, swaggering will not suddenly take you from Shia Lebouf to Christian Bale.
Case in point. I had a male friend who wanted more. I told him I wasn't interested as he just didn't do anything for me but I liked him as a friend. He hung around for several months and was there for me a lot. I really appreciated this as he is a great friend and I do really like him. Obviously someone, somewhere, gave him the same crap advice poster number two gave you, because he became a little standoffish, stopped returning my calls etc. for several months. That didn't suddenly make him irresistible to me. I just thought, "huh, now that's a shame" whilst carrying on with my life.
He's now back on the scene but there's a wedge between us because of this disappearing, game playing thing that he did which, effectively, led to us growing apart. So if you want to lose a friend in the process, by all means, try the swaggering thing out. If you never really saw her as a friend, you've got nothing to lose.
NB: I really despise guys who criticise women for not being attracted to a guy but wanting to be their friend. What exactly is wrong with this? It's extremely noble. You make it clear that nothing will ever develop and offer the best that you can, friendship. It's men who are dopes for thinking "stupid woman, I will make you love me by acting like a boyfriend, anyway, until you realise that I should be your boyfriend." This never works and in the end they just get bitter and start vilifying the poor woman for using them when the whole sorry mess is their fault for trying to be so manipulative.
To put it bluntly, "women don't want a nice guy, or women want a man who treats em mean" is a cushion bitter men have invented to make them feel better for their rejections. By transferring blame to women they vindicate themselves. I have never wanted a man who treated me mean and if any man did that he wouldn't get very far with me. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 6:28:18 AM | Erai has it!^^^^
exerpt:
" I really despise guys who criticise women for not being attracted to a guy but wanting to be their friend. What exactly is wrong with this? It's extremely noble.
You make it clear that nothing will ever develop and offer the best that you can, friendship. It's men who are dopes for thinking "stupid woman, I will make you love me by acting like a boyfriend, anyway, until you realise that I should be your boyfriend." This never works and in the end they just get bitter and start vilifying the poor woman for using them
when the whole sorry mess is their fault for trying to be so manipulative."
My brother has this same issue...
He wonders why women will knowingly keep a guy around as friend (him) when he has originally hit on her ...and she turned him down.
--Why should she deprive herself of someone she has admitted she feels is a friend??
She is exchanging friendship for friendship.
Just 'cause you want who you want doesn't mean someone is a b!tch for not returning your desires.
If someone can't handle it, he (or she) needs to avoid the bitterness of constant rejection by hanging out with someone else!
edit:
And, if you are one of these guys that has been mislead by the advertising industry, etc... to believe that a woman's affections can be actually be BOUGHT with expensive dinners, flowers, and jewelery... and some woman actually uses him for STUFF because of this idiotic perception --perhaps letting EITHER bloodline continue to breed would be a bad idea anyway.
My$.o2 | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 6:35:57 AM | Perhaps men who insist on complaining about the "only friends" thing like a broken record should take some time off from trolling for sexual partners to develop some insight and maturity.
Deep, meaningful relationships are hard enough to come by. Automatically dismissing a meaningful and valuable connection just because there's no sex involved is just plain pathetic.
Take the blinders off and join the human race. | |
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Erai
| | Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 15 | |
| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 10:41:00 AM |
As age takes it toll, I'm guessing that's going to play less and less of a role and what puts men in the friend zone will actually make them more attractive and viable. Afterall, when you get past your sexual prime and sex in general, what's left? In the older years though, a bunch of the women are going to be left out because when all they have to offer is friendship and nothing else, the men are going to be looking at younger women. So I tend to agree with the sexual attraction viewpoint to a degree but it's not what really leads to any long lasting relationship. My guess is that a lot of people aren't looking for one anyway.
What you’re talking about is a companion. Sexual attraction is an ingredient in relationships no matter what your age or have you watched too many sitcoms and think couples really sleep in separate beds when they reach a certain age.
A viable relationship doesn’t hinge on sexual attraction alone but, by the same token, a relationship does require it. Sexual attraction isn’t just wanting to have sex with someone. It’s being attracted to them in a way that distinguishes platonic interaction.
men have the right to reject a lady's friendship as well,
I didn’t say men don’t have a right to reject friendship. However, if they accept that friendship then it should be friendship that they accept. Not use it as cover to get closer to her because they suspect she’s too stupid to know her own mind, which, frankly, too many men think. You rarely see the opposite. You don’t see women saying why am I in the friend zone. Why? Because women don’t try and second guess men. If a woman is told “I’m sorry, you’re not my type” she accepts it instead of trying to manipulate the situation to their advantage.
By contract, being in the "friend zone" is a common complaint from men. So common that it ranks up there with "nice guy" threads as a redundant subject.
especially if it is from a lady who doesn't even find him attractive enough to even give a chance to.
This is clearly the problem these men have. They assume friendship is worthless as all their self esteem is wrapped up in whether they are attractive or not. When, in reality, friendships are far valuable as they appear to be longer lasting.
not good enough to give them a chance to give them a date, just because of the attraction factor, and lets be honest!! attraction can be build in some other way without actually needing the physical kind. I've heard a lot of women say it on here, and yet do not follow it.
Do you honestly think a relationship does not require physical attraction?
to be honest, i think you should tell this to your friend. He is a good friend to you, or was, so be honest and tell him of this wedge.
Actually he was not a good friend. He was manipulative. He tried being a friend and when that didn’t work he switched to another tactic (the aloof, hard to get thing). It is patently obvious that neither worked.
This should have him move on and just look for another lady friend, one that could see him as something more. it is bad of you not to tell him this, and to still want him as a friend.
He should have moved on from day one when I told him I could only be his friend. Instead, he decided to ignore me and use the elaborate friend ruse to try and engineer a relationship. In any event, I have told him we are no longer friends because it is clear to me now that he was never a friend. Just a manipulative trickster.
That is the only reason a guy should keep a lady friend for, for the chances of meeting more women.
I see, from your other posts, that you’re the type of man that tries this whole friendship thing. So, apparently, along with being manipulative you’re a user. You use women friends to get dates. Good Lord!!
trust me!! men are not the only ones at fault here.
In your scenario you are at fault. You wasted a year trying to manipulate a friendship into something more and now you’re angry that it didn’t work out. That IS your fault.
Instead of using women and being deceitful I suggest you try and bring more honour into your interaction with women. You may see a difference.
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 12:24:04 PM | Elmonchis...
Oh, boy. Both of your posts are exactly what I was talking about.
It is why there is so much in-fighting between men and women:
If she doesn't want to "do" you, she should be hooking you up
with her female friends or she is of no use to you ....??????
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Ummm...
--Uh huh.
I would hazard to guess that everything in your world is perceived as good or bad depending on if it can be "used" to get you laid, etc...
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I am surprised any women talk to you ...EVER.
Whining has got to be the most unattractive of human expression.
"What about MEEeEEee!?"
In case you missed it: YOU aren't at the top of her 'to do' list.
Apparently, she doesn't believe you are right for her friends, either...
...unless she thinks THEY aren't right for YOU, but I doubt it!
Hire yourself a shill, ya big Baby!
You aren't as 'nice' as you think people believe you to be. | |
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| How do I get past the friend complex?
Posted: 10/23/2008 12:33:55 PM | Jade and Erai have it spot on.
Some of you males need to step back and start listening to what women are telling you. Ignorance is bliss but it sure is leading you all into lonely lives. | |
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