| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 4:58:47 PM | Why are we so afraid at this age? I see a lot of posts always saying; why do men do this? Why do women do that? Why do so many of us wait for someone else to show us that it’s safe to take a risk in showing ourselves? Then when we get hurt, we tuck ourselves behind our barriers, throw stones and hope someone will come and beg to let us out of our self imposed pity prison. Why do we expect so much, and then complain because we didn’t get it after we remained so protected from being hurt? Don’t we all want most what will also hurt us the most?
I guess I have done a bit of work on my self and have come to realize that, if I want something, I will have to make the effort. Granted, I’ve been hurt along the way, but I feel far more alive knowing I gave it my best shot, instead of going home after and beating my head in self pity because I blew it again. It just seems odd that at 45+, so many, men and women are still waiting for someone else to make the first move, or playing tough and basically showing that you will never get to me.
Are we all that jaded? I’m trying to be the change I’d like to see, but sometimes, it’s like pulling teeth. 1 year turns to 5, then to 15, and then it’s the, “I wish I would have comments you say to your self” The curtain is going to come down sooner than you think. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:16:25 PM | Hmmm, I don't know that I'm afraid, but I'm cautious about getting too close to people too soon. And it seems like nobody wants to stick around until I'm comfortable getting closer. Which is OK. I've come to the conclusion that it's best to have modest expectations. If we meet and have a nice coffee together, that's good. If a friendship develops, wonderful  It would be nice if one of those friendships eventually turned into more, but I'm not holding my breath or wasting my life worrying about it. Sometimes I feel like a slow cooked meal in a fast food world. But, that's OK. I've made some great friends on my journey and I'm enjoying the trip. I wouldn't describe most of the men I've met as jaded, some are more compatible with me then others, but that's just the way the world works. I can't speak for the women you may be meeting... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:16:57 PM | Ah but see........... you've DONE the work OP. There are so many that haven't, and by the time we get into the depths of something we think is real with someone, only to find out they HAVEN'T, we're ensconced and have to go through the shit again.
For me, I don't trust that *most* have done the work necessary to be worthy of dating.
Yah. Truth.
*Most* have just screwed up and moved on. There was no self reflection, no real work done, no time taken to put the pieces back together!! They've just taken their issues and crap and brought it with 'em to the next poor sap.
*Some* have walked through their fires, singed themselves and came out trying to figure out how not to get burned again. That's the kind of person I'd be looking for.... but they're so few and far between.
*No one* wants to do the work anymore!! It's just too easy to pick up and move on.
Jaded? Hellllll no. Realistic about what's out there. Big diff.
And a fookin' shame too. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:32:31 PM | I know I'm jaded, Op.
No need to go into detail about me and my story. Suffice it to say...it will be difficult for me to let someone into my heart again.
Its a bit of a paradox. I see a man that I know I could click with...enjoy the fantasy that never passes my lips...then aim at including him into my circle of friends.
And as we get to know each other...there is a silent wish...that we would find ourselves spending more and more time together until we suddenly realize....ah well....there's another fantasy...
Its just the way I have become. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:42:56 PM | There have been times I felt burnt beyond recognition, but when I summoned the heart to look, there were no scars, no disfigurement, just the memory of pain.
I dropped my defenses years ago, when I realized they were keeping me from where I most wanted to be. Actually, I think I put that somewhere in my profile when I signed up for this site. And you (not one of the targets I was hopin' for), are the only one to raise the issue. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 6:16:03 PM |
For me, I don't trust that *most* have done the work necessary to be worthy of dating.....Jaded? Hellllll no. Realistic about what's out there. Big diff.
Seems self defeating to me my sweet Bullie. Seems like you're closing your heart and in so doing you miss out on a lot of potential. Focus on giving love, not getting it. As a child your heart was naturally open, and that is how we are meant to be. Sure you will hurt sometimes but you'll survive.
When you are trying to get love you are coming from a place of neediness. It won't work and leaves you jaded, (or realistic as you call it). All the love that you could ever need is already in your own heart and all around you. Do a 180 on your focus, the world may look a lot different then, or at least not as helpless as it appears now. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 6:42:58 PM | tresor... do not assume to know me.... or my heart.
I do very well in love.... and merely post with generalizations.... for the Forum world to bite into.
The world and all in it are quite in focus for me darlin'.... but thank you for trying to make a point. I get it, but it's not for me.....
There are those of us that do nothing BUT give love... and expect nothing in return. The joy, the gift, the blessings come in that act.... not "helpless" at all.....
So no worries about your sweet bullie.... she actually knows a thing or 500 about getting love and giving it.
*oooo, that sounds soooo dirty. lol | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 7:06:17 PM | *Most* have just screwed up and moved on. There was no self reflection, no real work done, no time taken to put the pieces back together!! They've just taken their issues and crap and brought it with 'em to the next poor sap.
*Some* have walked through their fires, singed themselves and came out trying to figure out how not to get burned again. That's the kind of person I'd be looking for.... but they're so few and far between.
Its harder for people to look truthfully and openly at past mistakes than to avoid, ignore, even blame others when it takes two...
I love reflective people who have grown! because I am one too and know I am a better partner now than ever!
 Shay | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:08:00 PM | Other than being a decent Aerosmith song, I actually had to look up the word "Jaded" in the dictionary, or actually dictionary.com.
I welcome people in, not afraid to let people in. I'd even have coffee ready or a soda/pop waiting.
Kind of like defensive driving, it's the other person that I get concerned about.
If things work, they work, if they don't, then at least I can say I tried and gave it my best shot with people. I don't go hunting down sparks or chemistry. That's why people become afraid to open the door and let others in.
Anyways, I'm not included in the Why are WE still so afraid to let people in!
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:15:06 PM | Sorry Whytwater, I get it though!
Well, I thought I might get bashed for bringing this topic up; get a slew of rampant egos posting, but I’m glad those who posted have. Shake the tree a bit and some of the fruit falls out. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. It’s nice to see that some of us have gotten to hell and kept going.
I’ll keep trying because I have to, because I want to, and damn it, because I like it now! Albeit learning to be a little more selective!
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:24:32 PM | "if I want something, I will have to make the effort"
When I see someone I want, I will be glad to make the effort.
I don't think the problem is being afraid to let people in. I think it is the lack of people that we have any interest in.
Better that the curtain comes down when I am alone, than it comes down when I am trying to remove someone from my life. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:29:07 PM | AtSomePoint,
I feel that this is a good topic. When I was younger there was so much more naivete' when dating and trusting. After marriage many of us saw so much of the truth that we may have let others (or trusted) in too soon. I thought the world of my husband and let him in right away (emotionally)--the red flags were there and I ignored them. I was so much young (egad) and stronger years ago. Every thing felt as though it was a fairy tale, only my knight in shining armour became rusty quickly after marriage, when I saw the abusive, womanizer crawl out--Today reality sets in. I listen more.
Thus, I go slower and see if the water is safe to go in, although we just never know if we are swimming with a goldfish or a shark. I feel we all need to be careful, but that doesn't mean that we can't be kind or always have love in our hearts to know when the right one comes along.
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:30:54 PM | | So true. I would love to find that "right" person, but I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong one. Maybe it's not that we are afraid to let people in, maybe we are just less afraid to be alone? | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:49:27 PM | First off, I can't wait until 2009 when I will officially be over 45 and able to post in this forum. I hope you allow me in, for the moment.
I'm not afraid. After years of practise, I have great instincts about people. I haven't got a hardline checkoff list with ticks and crosses. That line of thinking is the base for setting standards in stone, to justify choices and more importantly, gives us scope to talk ourselves up and self tap our egos.
I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong one
You know, a couple of my ex's ended up being Mr Wrong but they were once Mr Right and there's no way in hell I'd choose 'alone' over finding out. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:50:47 PM | I have always give love and am the one who gets stomped on. But I dont throw it up to another woman that I meet though. It was not her fault and she had nothing to do with me getting doodied on by another woman. So, most of the time they never know about my heart ache because I dont tell them.
I'be been through them fires imshay and did I come out burned. But I never let it stop me from wanting to know another woman. Dam it just makes me want to meet some body else and hopefully I can show them I am not a bad person.
I have also learned to look at my past mistakes with women and try not to be that dumb again. Hopefully I have learned a few things from them mistakes. I was as much to blame in both my divorces as the women were. I was hard to live with I know but so where they. Heck that goes both ways. I cant blame anybody else for my marriage problems but me and the x missuses involved. It was us not other people that fought and divorced.
I do agree with Atsomepoint though. Why do we hide behind the green door and peep out at the world in fear of being hurt again or being used. Heck I have tried to tell some women that they are letting some real good years wilt away by not enjoying them. They wont listen to me and still are miserable. I want to enjoy the rest of my life married or single. It dont really matter one way of the other. Becaue you date somebody dont mean you are getting married to that person. Why dont people just go out and have some fun and do some fun things and not worry about heart aches so much. I dont fall in love with every woman that I have a date with any way. Heck I never have a date so how in the sam hell can I do that.....lol lol lol
You are right bullielover62 it is a Fooking shame that people cant or wont trust other people. Everybody is not out to be a heart breaker and they are not cereal killers either. Heck the only cereal I am going to kill is them Honey Bunch of Oates or some Cheerio's with that sweet coating on them with some milk in a big bowl with a big spoon at that....
I people would just lighten up and not look for that one special person and just date some other person. Then they might just accidentally run into that special "One" and there they would be. Sure the one sitting across from you might not be the right dude or dudette but that other one he or she knows might just be the "ONE" you are looking for. It does happen a lot.
So people and lets try to accept each other and see much better things can be... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 9:06:58 PM |
I guess I have done a bit of work on my self and have come to realize that, if I want something, I will have to make the effort. Granted, I’ve been hurt along the way, but I feel far more alive knowing I gave it my best shot, instead of going home after and beating my head in self pity because I blew it again. It just seems odd that at 45+, so many, men and women are still waiting for someone else to make the first move, or playing tough and basically showing that you will never get to me.
...I wallowed in self pity for a number of years after my first husband left me... my self-confidence and my self- esteem took a shit kicking...The problem was that after he left, I didn't know who I was...during the 17 years we were together, I had somehow become an extention of him and somewhere along the way, "I got lost" After beating myself up over the break-up, I came to realize that the reason he left had nothing to do with me...it was about him and there wasn't anything I could have said or done that would have stopped him from leaving.
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I've gone through two relationships that didn't work out...both for very different reasons. But they weren't all bad.. I've also taken some wonderful life experiences from both and memories that I will carry with me always. Hopefully I can take what I've learned from each into my next relationship..if there is one.
I know I am not the same person I was...I am healthier, happier and emotionally stronger than I ever was...and I am softer too..Like you OP, I think I'm more alive than I've ever been and I'm ready to fall in love again, my heart is open...so be careful with it.
...maeflowers
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 11:00:47 PM | Why are we so afraid at this age? I see a lot of posts always saying; why do men do this? Why do women do that? Why do so many of us wait for someone else to show us that it’s safe to take a risk in showing ourselves? Then when we get hurt, we tuck ourselves behind our barriers, throw stones and hope someone will come and beg to let us out of our self imposed pity prison. Why do we expect so much, and then complain because we didn’t get it after we remained so protected from being hurt? Don’t we all want most what will also hurt us the most?
I think that one of the reasons people appear to be afraid of getting into new situations and relationships is that they don't know how to grieve their previous losses and let go of them. I've now met a number of people who appear to be stuck in what could only be called "grief". They're sad, lonely and often angry (sometimes even traumatized) but instead of allowing themselves the necessary time it takes to move through it, they tell themselves what's done is done and simply try to move on as though everything is normal. There are those who love and commit deeply - saying goodbye to a loved one forever during a breakup can be a traumatic event. Then, there are those who can move on without a backward glance but they're so used to their feelings being frozen that they're dragging as many bags as the ones who are traumatized.
Breakups and divorces throw many of us into a horrified state and it doesn't help when someone decides to compound the horror by playing dirty over the shared obligations. Maybe we need to start acknowledging these painful endings the same way as we deal with death just so that people come to understand that it's really okay to mourn.
The actual work that needs to be done to rebuild one's life along with our hopes and dreams DOES require some fear management in its initial stages. And then it takes some courage to develop the willingness to stand in the dim light of our own contributions with some determination to fix the broken pieces inside of us.
Fear is not a bad thing when it acts as the triggering impetus for change and growth. If, for a time, some just need to hover in the periphery of a social environment while they do the necessary work, I think they'll likely be more than worth the wait. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 3:46:35 AM | I think fear is a healthy thing at times, “healthy being the operative word”.
I fear getting burned in the fire, yet I need the fire to cook with. You can never be creative with a sauté pan if you won’t go near the stove.
Thanks Maeflowers, I too wallowed in the self pity pool for a few years in my first major breakup, but in hindsight, I’m very glad it happened, it gave me the nudge that I needed to start the process of really looking at myself and eventually realizing that I too carry the blame, but I too also carried the parts that were really nice. I own a piece in both ends.
Funny thing is, after I stopped wallowing and I finally picked my head up and started looking around, not only did I see what I had been missing, but now I see so many others who are walking around staring at the floor.
Yeah, it hurts at times, but I will gladly do it again because I know what the rewards can be also. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 5:06:11 AM |
tresor... do not assume to know me.... or my heart.
But I do know you Bullie, not in 500 ways but at least a little. You can call me Kid.
Back to the OP's original post. It's a bit of a conundrum isn't it? Experience has made us a bit fearful or at least cautious, but that fear becomes self fulfilling. All relationship killers come from fear, of inadequacy, failure, rejection and engulfment. So you somewhat have to ignore that which experience has taught you. It's kind of like accepting ahead of time that if it's not meant to be, then there is something better, or perhaps something to learn from the experience. I think when people are jaded it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 6:38:56 AM | | @OP....one year did lead into 5 for myself....only to realizing the last few years, i was putting myself out there, to be noticed and observing others, after a while it became exhausting and can i say a hassle? not sure if thats the word i am looking for. its not that i havent put the time and effort into giving the chance, its others who dont....so again it leaves me with why bother? it is like pulling teeth and then some....i am far from being fugly and i live a good stable life. I have found they are still blaming others for their responsibilities and many are so immature... 50 going on 16? i am cautious not afraid. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:04:21 AM | | I think that people are cautious, not afraid. Every other person you could possibly meet has their foibles, and any relationship that you can get into will involve compromise and acceptance of each other's foibles. That is at least manageable, but what is not manageable is the development if the relationship, wherein the characteristics of the other person will become more accentuated, as will your own, resulting in something that you really do not want to live with. Its the lack of control that is the issue. When you are by yourself, you can control things to be as you want them, not so when another is concerned. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:05:49 AM | I'm not afraid to let anyone in.....outgoing, gregarious in nature..adventuresome.
Unfortunately, I haven't met anyone I want to let in yet.
My drawbridge is down.... waiting for him to gallop on in........what fun we will have! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:11:16 AM | | I have to admit I now proceed with great caution whereas in my early twenties it was pedal to the metal, full speed ahead. Experience has taught me to take it slow and easy and to get to know a woman well before I open my heart to her. Too many of them have been hurt by men and are angry at men in general. Unless they have worked through their issues they consciously or subconsciously want their next male partner to suffer and pay for what their past husband(s) and boyfriends have done to them. Caveat emptor! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:31:57 AM | "Jaded? Hellllll no. Realistic about what's out there. Big diff."
Those who need to be part of a couple seem to find it necessary to try to shoot the messanger when people are realistic. Also those who need to be part of a couple resent those who can be happy with their single life.
I figure most people finally do get reality when it bites them often enough. | |
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