| | Two Nuns and a VampirePage 1 of 1 | Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at traffic lights when suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses at them through the windscreen.
'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
'Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 'What shall I do now?' she shouts.
'Switch on the windscreen washer.... I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican' says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.
'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.
'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f*ck off my car!' | |
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| Two Nuns and a Vampire
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:38:19 PM | good one!!
heard it years ago but forgot and it was not put together as well yours!  | |
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| Two Nuns and a Vampire
Posted: 10/30/2008 12:47:50 PM | A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY | |
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| Two Nuns and a Vampire
Posted: 10/30/2008 9:27:59 PM | Archie Bunker-isms of religion:
"The atheist religion don't believe in the bible."
"I ain't got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can't make no mistakes. Like he's, waddya call, inflammable."
"If God gets sore enough at you Edith, he could turn your jawbone into an ass."
"The hookeries and massageries...the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glaucamorra."
"That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic."
"Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes."
"Mother Superiority"
"The Holy Father's newest Encyclacle? Like anyone cares what he rides around on."
"All of those unflocked priests."
"You, a man of the cloth, hidin' behind your hassock."
"True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation."
"He made us all one true religion, Edith, which he named after his son, Christian -- or Christ, for short."
"Until they split off into all them other denumerations."
"That's what Abel was saying when he got it in the back from his own brother with a cane."
"Wearing a Yamaha" (Yarmulke).
"Book Of Ecclesiasticles."
"Off-the-docks Jews" (orthadox)
"Maybe I oughta get one of them priests in to exercise with her."
"Like the Good Book says 'Patience is a virgin.'"
"This is a Jewish cake! They give this to a Jewish kid before he gets circumscribed."
"The story of Noah and the whale."
"Samson... he takes the jawbone out of the grass and he kills the whole army of the Phillipines. "
"The whole conjugation was asleep."
"Some Catlick priest sprinkling incest over everyone."
"Like the Good Book says: "Let him who is without sin be the rolling stone."
"The Bible, if ya read it you'd know. It's right in the beginning there, in the Book of Generous."
"The ancient Egyptian kings, the fairy-ohs."
"You'll be turned into a pillow of salt."
"Raise him a Luferan if you want, raise him a Norman with 7 wives, a holy roller, a Seventh Day Adventurer....."
"Sayin' grace.....it's just thankin' Mother Nature, whose 1st name just happens to be Grace."
"The devil and all his nimps."
"Fires and grimstones of hell."
"Don't ya know it's bad luck to keep icrons in a Christian home?"
"The Lord descend down a thundervolt."
"You'd think I was Lazarus rising from the bed."
"Honor thy parents. That's one of the Lord's Top 10 Commandments. That's right around covetin' your neighbor's cattles and wives and there."
"The word is psalm, S-O-M."
Rock on.
~m
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| Two Nuns and a Vampire
Posted: 11/1/2008 9:59:03 AM | So there is a nice lady with a not so nice hubby. She is constantly pleading with his lazy tail to make the repairs around the house. She asks "dear, can you please fix the front step?" and he replies "do I have Home Depot stamped on my forehead?" when she asks him to mow and clean up the lawn he replies "do I have John Deer stamped on my forehead?" she later asks "can you please change the oil in the cars" and he replies "do I have Penzoil stamped on my forehead?"
So one day, she is sitting on her front stoop, husband off fishing or hunting or fooling around as usual. A young, handsome man comes walking by and happens to be a handy man. He sees the woman is a little down and asks her if she is alright. She goes on to tell him of her troubles.
So he thinks for a minute and says "i'll do it". she goes on to say she can't afford it and he says "I'll make ya a deal, you can either bake a cake for me or have sex with me".
Well, tickled pink she takes him up on his offer. When her hubby gets home he inquires puzzled how all the work got done. So she goes and explains it all.
Then he asks the million dollar question: "so you baked him a cake right?" and she says...... "do i have Betty friggin' Crocker stamped on my forehead??"
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| Two Nuns and a Vampire
Posted: 11/22/2008 2:20:47 PM | Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white and pink?
A: A nun going commando, falling down the stairs.
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Q: What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A: A pimple don't come on yer face until yer thirteen years old. (okay, I'm going to hell for that one.)
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Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Ya f*ck her....what are you an idiot? (okay, now I'm really going to hell, bet they give me a kitchen job )  | |
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| Two Nuns and a Vampire
Posted: 11/23/2008 2:14:27 AM | Two nuns are precariously riding a rickety old bicycle down a twisty cobblestone street in the town near their convent.
The nun at the handlebars asks her passenger, "Have you ever come this way before?"
"Yes," comes the reply, "But the cobblestones make it even better!"
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Two nuns are fisting a sheep.
One turns to the other and says, "I really must get out of this filthy habit!"
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Ed "Damned Already" Bear
Who's going to post the "Leprechaun Nun" one in a way that will get past the filters, now? | |
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