| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 12:57:04 AM | I met a guy online over a year ago and we became fast friends. He lives 5 hours away but over the past year we have talked, texted, emailed almost everyday and I have divulged a lot of my love life to him. A few months ago we started telling each other that we loved each other and would always be there for each other, even though we were dating other people. Well I went through a bad spot and he sent me a lot of romantic texts, talking about how he could treat me better, I deserve to be treated like only he can, only he knows what I need, and we agreed to try to start a relationship, visiting each other every other weekend. I finally made the 5 hour drive and the night was phenomenal. He topped it off by telling me I was "perfect." When I asked him "perfect for what?" He said "perfect for me." We said our goodbyes and things were great.
When I got home he began to be distant. The texts were short, few and far between. We fought but decided I would come out again to see him. This last weekend I went out again and we were going to spend the entire weekend together. He came to the hotel and spent 3 hours with me and left, saying he had to go pick up his friend. He knew I was mad and left on a sour note. I didn't see him the rest of the weekend, he ignored my texts and calls, and I cried all the way home.
When I got home, he texted me and said he was sorry but he isn't ready for a relationship. He said he would rather have 'friends with benefits' for now and maybe something more down the line. Now he is back to ignoring my texts, ignoring me online, and treating me like dirt. He said he wants to see me more and I said I could come out next weekend and we agreed, although he was very unenthusiastic about it so I am not going.
What the heck is his deal? I have text upon text saved where he professes his love for me, how much he wants to be with me, how I need to claim what's mine (meaning him) and how if I was with anyone else, he'd be mad. Then everything falls apart somewhere between the first and second visit?
Why is he willing to be friends with benefits but not in a relationship with me? I mean, besides for obvious reasons? I don't want to lose his friendship but at this point he isn't even acting like the person I first met - I miss that guy. I could tell him anything, joke with him, get ahold of him at all hours and he'd be there for me. Now I feel lost. He was my best guy friend!
Advice? | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 2:37:48 AM | I think that guy you love is one of his personalities, but not the real one. I think he could fake it online and on the phone, but he couldn't keep it going in real life. I think you should write to him and tell him all of what you've written here and then delete him, block his number and move on.  | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 4:17:45 AM | If it's not what you want (BTW friends with benefits is adding sex to an ESTABLISHED and trusted friendship, this is more like a booty call situation) then tell him "ok we're looking for different things here" and wish him well finding what he's looking for. Tell him that's not something you're interested in.
If he doesn't want to be friends with you because you don't want to sleep with him then he's not REALLY a friend to begin with. Friends don't place sexual conditions on each other. Wave buh bye to him! | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 4:29:18 AM | Op, 'most' men are more than ready for a FWB,but not a relationship.....
But,i honestly dont think this guy is much of a friend to you at all.
I think you're looking at him through rose coloured glasses & seeing what you want to see.
He's treated you like shit.
Dump his sorry arse & find someone who genuinely likes you. | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 5:06:29 AM | Its easier to put tab A into a willing slot B...than to conduct a relationship. You have to be a mature adult to do the latter.
Its easy to type romantic, and once he got laid....well, the result is about what you described. Sorry, but you got a bummer who had no problem typing the right things. But, a 5 hr drive to a real sweetie woulda been tough, too....actually, that's just searching for a silver lining here. | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 5:11:59 AM | This one is easy.
He sucked you in with sweet talk. Made you invest some hope and emotion in him. He told you just what you and every woman wants to hear. He was the "knight in shining armor".
Step one completed.
He then lets you make (or attempt to make) 2 trips to see him. All he has to do is wait for you to drive the 5 hours. No problem for him. Poof.... you show up and have sex with him.
Step 2 completed.
Now he plays the "confused" guy who's not sure what he wants. Becomes distant but leaves you a few "love crumbs" to keep you hanging around. Women will go any distance for love and the feelings of being one with her "Prince Charming" who's "different from the rest" so you still make every effort to hang on. NOW he knows you'll not only drive far to see him, but you'll certainly have sex with him (because you've done it before with him upon first meeting and you're "game" because you've spoken openly about your sex life with him prior to meeting... which is a sign you're not frigid). So he then drops the "I'm not ready for the relationship" bomb but proposes the "FWB" suggestion, as only a douche bag would. He knows you're emotionally invested, willing to drive, open to sex and somewhat gullable. He's hit the jackpot. And you're NOT the only one. He's probably got a few. No relationship with you means no cheating. If you bust him he can always say "hey, we weren't dating". You'll most likely stick around hoping he'll be "ready" sometime soon when he sees how wonderful you really are. Meanwhile he's f'ing you and probably being selfish in bed.
Step 3 completed.
In the mean time, he can have his cake(s)... eat them too. Then, when he finds a woman who he likes, maybe even REALLY loves and respects... F Buddies get kicked to the curb and he's onto a real relationship. He's got it made (in his mind).
This is so simple for me to figure out. Have more respect for yourself and never see this man again. | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 5:06:34 PM | You might as well just give up on this because he got what he
was after. You fell in love with the sappy lines that he produced for your
pleasure so that ultimately he would have his pleasure with you.
It's not even a FWB that he really wants because there is no hint of friendship here.
Sorry, but you have been taken for several rides. (Pun intended) | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 5:15:25 PM |
Its easier to put tab A into a willing slot B...than to conduct a relationship. You have to be a mature adult to do the latter.
Oddly enough that applies to putting furniture together, too.
If he was truly your friend, he would've put his money where his mouth is so to speak or kept it shut. He'd possibly have inquired about FWB without blowing smoke up yer a$$ first. | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 6:30:00 PM | You need to ask yourself a question which is “what is really a good friend?”
Well I went through a bad spot and he sent me a lot of romantic texts, talking about how he could treat me better, I deserve to be treated like only he can, only he knows what I need, and we agreed to try to start a relationship, visiting each other every other weekend.
Does a good friend “use” you when they “know” you just went thru a very hard time with another relationship that may have ended badly?
He topped it off by telling me I was "perfect." When I asked him "perfect for what?" He said "perfect for me." We said our goodbyes and things were great.
Does a good friend tells you the truth and nothing but the truth? Friends don’t lie to each other but enemy do.
When I got home he began to be distant. The texts were short, few and far between.
Is a good friend there for you on a more steady timeline or only when it is convenient for them?
Now he is back to ignoring my texts, ignoring me online, and treating me like dirt.
Does a friend treat his “friends” like this? Wouldn’t a “real” friend know how much this can and does hurt someone?
Well I guess with “friends” like him you don’t need enemies. | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 7:27:53 PM | Ouch!
You can't honestly blame him though.
can you blame a snake for biting you?
a shark for eating the swimmer?
a player for being a player?
No, but you can educate yourself about their habits, where they hang out, what the danger signs are.
Internet Dating Rules.
1. Meet on your turf!
2. Don't have sex on the 1st date.
3. Electronic corespondance with someone you DON'T know is called entertainment!
4. Be safe, be safe, be safe!
Give your head a shake, move on, you are pretty, smart, capable ( I read your BIO) :)
Don't waste one more minute of your precious life on this predator, ok, one more minute................................................. now move on! | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 10/31/2008 8:31:00 PM |
So he then drops the "I'm not ready for the relationship" bomb but proposes the "FWB" suggestion, as only a douche bag would.
LOL!! I agree with you, but your wording made me laugh..."as only a douche bag" would...
Why is he willing to be friends with benefits but not in a relationship with me? I mean, besides for obvious reasons?
I think this question reveals you know his true intent, but are still fishing for some redeeming quality in him. Sorry, there aren't any other reasons, he wants you for sex at his convenience.
I saw in another forum you posted
He's really attractive and could have any girl he wanted (and admits that) but claimed he only wanted me, even after we had sex for the first time.
He's playing you! He need to confront him (by phone is fine), tell him you know what he's up to & it's over. He will either curse you out & say terrible things about you, or just say "whatever", & hang up.
The silver lining is now you can recognize this situation in the future & avoid it! | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/1/2008 6:54:48 PM | You're driving 5 hours and he doesn't even spend the weekend with you? He's a piece of sh1t and you were are a drive through booty call. Block his emails and texts and get yourself a real man. No guy slows down contact with a woman he likes and wants.
If you are going to pursue a LDR then ideally you meet half way. Don't EVER drive 5 hours unless the guy is the one footing the bill for your hotel and planning on spending the weekend with you. I don't think it is to much to ask. If he was doing all the driving then you should be the one to get the room. | |
|
| |
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/2/2008 2:24:39 PM | Thanks, guys, for the much needed reality check. He admitted to me he had a booty call on Halloween. I told him "good luck with that" and haven't texted him since or talked to him. He hasn't tried to get in contact with me either, so it's okay, just a little painful because I did invest feelings in him.
When we first decided to try a relationship I specifically threw out to him "if you just want a booty call or friends with benefits situation, just tell me and I'll be okay with that." (obviously not really but wanted to see his intentions) because I was still unsure if he would be the relationship type. He argued that that's not all he wanted, he wanted more. I gave him 5+ opportunities to come straight out and say he just wanted sex but he kept saying no. So now that it's over and that IS what he wanted, I just don't get why he went thru all that trouble to devise a huge scenario just to get some! Lame.
I'm moving on. It's just too bad that it ended up this way. 
I really appreciate you all being so honest and kind, without giving me too much of a verbal ass whooping.  | |
|
| |
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:18:42 PM | An FWB is cool if that's what you BOTH want, it can't be one sided. Personally I don't want to be anyone's FWB ever. Who knows who you're sleeping with and they've slept with and on and on and on, it's BS. It's demeaning too.
You say he was your best guy friend. Maybe the line of friends shouldn't have been crossed? I have a friend over 1000 miles from here, we've know each other for 10 yrs. I've never been anything BUT a friend to him (he's married with a family I know and they know me too) and I would never cross that line with him anyway. | |
|
| |
| |
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/3/2008 6:42:29 PM | There are several mistakes here that I'll point out and hopefully it will help you in the future.
You spent far too much time online and on the phone before meeting in person. This built a false sense of intimacy for you. It didn't for him. He was able to tell you what you wanted to hear for a good while.
You drove to see him not once but twice. Never drive to see a man. If he is really interested in you, he'll make the effort to come see you. You pretty much delivered yourself to him like a pizza and he had to make zero effort.
No sex until you know where the relationship is headed meaning are you both on the same page?
He has told you he just wants you to drive out and deliver yourself to him like a pizza so he can use your for sex and ignore you the rest of the time. I'm fairly certain that this isn't what you had in mind when looking for someone.
Cut your losses and move on and keep in mind the advice that has been given to you. | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/27/2008 12:35:34 AM | What's wrong with FWB ("Friends" with BAGGAGE)? That's what the situation normally ends up being! That situation is a nice way of saying "cut buddy" or what some people say "messing with"! It's just a lot of SEX with no clear or real path to a relationship! Minimal or no dating and I hear some people complain about this arrangement!
Most of the time all i get offered is "friendships" and potential "relationships"
I like a FWB (Female with BOOTY).. at least to look at! | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/27/2008 10:36:28 AM | friends with benefits is just a way to try and score without commiting .
at work this summer there were 2 people i know who had that sort of thing going on and it was just a joke i though . a way to be fooling around with each other but not make it official , the whole thing came across as imature to me and somewhat silly . | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/27/2008 11:33:36 AM |
Why is he willing to be friends with benefits but not in a relationship with me? I mean, besides for obvious reasons?
There are no reasons besides the obvious one!. Get it through your head. All he wanted was the sex.
BTW, FWB means you were friends to start with. If the sex comes before the friendship you're just a Fcuk Buddy!
Chimera_Obscura | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 11/27/2008 4:03:29 PM | I really feel for you. It seems he knowingly led you on and maybe some where deep inside he did want a relationship but just not willing to make the effort, which sucks. Been there, done that.
You do deserve better. Move on and don't worry about the friendship, I would'nt want a friend that treated me that way in my life.
Sorry,
Beth | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 12/16/2008 10:33:11 PM | I really want to know....because I've been in Queenie's situation....
HOW...for the love of God, HOW do we know when a guy is playing us to get some, and when he really does mean the tons of sweet nice things he says? How....?
To me it is the epitome of cruelty and scumminess to make such an obviously huge concentrated effort over a period of time to woo a woman, as was done to the OP.
How was she supposed to know it was all a game, until he got booty?
How are any of us supposed to know? Why is it that we have to suffer so much hurt to find out someone's true colors? No one put a gun to this guy's head and made him tell her all this stuff that made her believe he really cared about her.
I think some guys know what words and romance and sweetness and attention does to us women. It really works its way into our hearts, and we start falling. | |
|
| Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB?
Posted: 12/17/2008 4:03:57 AM |
HOW...for the love of God, HOW do we know when a guy is playing us to get some, and when he really does mean the tons of sweet nice things he says? How....?
You assume it's BS....especially when you're dealing with a guy who you've never met or hung out with in person at all, or very little. Make sure what they say and what they do matches, and even if you've talked to someone online 5 years, realize anything worth remembering actually only begins once you meet in person...and sleeping with anyone you've just met from online regardless of IM/e-mail/telephone history is not smart unless you can do it with no expectations of anything more.
A guy can say anything to you for any length of time online, easily....to say all that in person and back it up over a period of time is what really matters. | |
|
Home
login 
