| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 9:12:17 AM | I am in a fairly new relationship (3 months) and have yet to talk to DB about this because I dont know if I am being irrational or not. I guess I want to know if I should just work through this myself, or talk to him about it. Heres the main issue: I know I am good enough for him, but sometimes I feel as if I cant keep up- in many aspects.
I am still in college, he is already in his career. He doesnt mind when I am not dressed up but he makes sure to comment when I am. He comments on all the things that would look nice, etc, the things I should buy/have. It almost makes me feel like what I do have is inadequate sometimes. He made a comment the other night about how I am the first person he has been in a relationship with who calls him by his name and not some pet name. Not a big deal I know, but it made me feel yet again that I am not doing this right. I have yet to meet any of his friends. I am almost jealous of him hanging out with his friends and doing fun activities because with both of our work schedules we don't have full blown weekends of events planned.
I KNOW this all seems SO petty, and I feel petty and immature posting this. But any insight into why these things are bothering me so dang much? | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 9:21:38 AM | Be careful with this. Sounds like he is IMO being too critical already. I know his comments make you feel inadequate. It only gets worse honey, not better. Tread lightly, I have been there. You deserve someone who loves you the way you are.
I would talk to him about it! `~~~ when he says something that bothers you, communicate to him exactly how it makes you feel when he says things like that to you. Good luck. If he responds in a positive way, that's great, if not, get rid of him now before your in too deep.  | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 9:26:53 AM | The question I have is do you believe he is saying these things to you as hints for you to change them, or is he saying that your being different from past relationships is a good thing. I mean, those relationships didn't work out after all 
What do you mean by you haven't met his friends yet? You haven't met any of them? I would think that in 3 months you would have run into one or two. Is he keeping you away from them, or is it really just working out that way?
Finally, I wouldn't consider yourself petty or immature. If they are your feelings then express them without guilt. Preferably to your man, but I am sure people here will help you out on this one lol Of course he may not know that the things he is saying are making you feel this way and unless he is psychic he's not going to figure that out on his own. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 9:42:49 AM | I think the friend thing has just worked out that way... just the way things have worked out... I think I may be reading too far into it. But yup I havent even met one.
I will definantly have to talk to him about this imo but I just dont want it to seem petty so thats why I came here first. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 10:00:11 AM | | It sounds like you might be reading too much into things. My take is that he gives you compliments when you dress up and take it as a slam. The pet name thing ... you'd have to ask him if that is a good thing or not ... not sure from what you shared. As for not meeting his friends ... I'd say wait another month and if don't meet his friends definitely bring it up. Some people think of their friends as family and thus meeting them comes further down the road in the relationship. By this point you do want to ask him if you two are girlfriend/boyfriend and where is the relationship going. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 10:13:44 AM | I don't see it as petty and immature, at all. If its how you feel...its important.
Communication. Remember that word. If you're in doubt..talk about it. But remember...when getting to know someone, its not always what you say, but how you say it.
Since we don't know him...only you can judge whether he is being sincere in his compliments and if there is an underlying reason for them. I would just take him at his word, until (and if) you find out differently.
If you have feelings of inadequacy...deal with those. Is it him making you feel that way? Or is it you? Don't second guess someone's intent. If you don't know....ask. But again...its HOW you ask. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 10:23:09 AM | Nothing is ever petty if it bothers you enough to ask about it.
Maybe he likes it that you call him by his name and not a pet name. I don't call my man a pet name and I have been with him for 7 years. I call him by his name or when I am mad at him a name he wouldn't want to hear !! LOL
As far as telling you what would look nice or that you should buy ? The next time he says it ! Remind him you are in college and unless he wishes to buy them for you then it can wait. Compliments should be taken as face value. Dont read into it something that he might not be trying to say. In other words he might just be telling you that you look nice.
Now as far as his friends are concerned? Has he met any of your friends? And if not maybe plan one night out with your friends and his friends together. A pizza night!
If he says no then ask him why not?
If you enjoy his company and you want to continue with this relationship then put your questions upfront to him. Three months isn't a long time to get to know everything about each other but it is long enough to be able to ask questions without sounding pushy or eager.
Good Luck | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 10:33:50 AM | I think , you need to speak to him about it , life's too short to stay with someone who is making you feel slightly uneasy. Just come out with it and see what his reaction is?
This will tell you if he is serious about things or not .
With regards to him picking up on what you wear etc and the name thing , maybe he needs a slight point in the right direction , ie , you are your own woman , thats why he is with you is it not? Do you have to conform to others to make him happy?
Just be yourself,if he isnt happy with that then move on , because someone else will be . | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2008 11:01:33 AM | It almost makes me feel like what I do have is inadequate sometimes.
Almost and sometimes are red flags for me.
It's okay to check the temperature of your relationship. Go ahead and risk it.
The fact that you've been seeing this guy for three months and he hasn't included you in his circle of friends concerns me somewhat, and you too it appears.
Your relationship is very new, and it's natural for issues to develop after the initial stage of infatuaiton.
We all have insecurities, but don't let him think he's better than you.
My son just recently met a gal who he really likes, and he's reluctant for her to meet his friends. Our friends are a reflection of ourselves. He loves his friends, I love his friends, but will she love his friends?
Good luck hon, and you're not being petty.
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2008 9:56:49 PM | OP,
As a guy, Id say that by him saying, "yeah know, youre the first person to call me by my actual name and not by my pet name", depending on his tone of voice, but at face value seems like he likes it. I probably lean on the side of not being called a pet name, i have a name, call me it!
As far as how you feel. No youre not being irrational, because you have feelings and youre feelings are right because it is what you feel. You probably need to talk to him about these things. I'd say by dating three months, thats its totally OK to talk about this. The important thing is not to put it on him though, or accuse him, statemnents like "You make me feel...." are not good. I'd say try to find a good moment to discuss it, best time is when youre both comfortable, arent distracted, and say, "I feel....." and communicate how you feel. If he really cares about you, he will listen to your feelings and accept them for what they are. If my GF was upset or feeling something, I would want to know, to help her feel better!!
As far as not meeting his friends....on the face, probably not a huge issue right now, but it bothers you, so it is an issue. Some guys really want to get to know a girl before he brings her around to friends and family. This could take time. Maybe this is the reason? You arent going to know until you ask, right?
Hope this helps! Good Luck!
Jeremy | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2008 10:27:05 PM | It doesn't seem immature and petty to me at all.
What it does seem is that he, being more "advanced" somehow than you feel you are, has led you to take the role of ingenue. He's playing the "grown up" in your relationship, and you because you care for him and clearly respect him, are allowing it.
So when he makes statements that to you feel like judgements you feel more inferior.
This may be a subtle form of passive-aggressive behavior in a man who is not yet completely grown up. The beginnings of a subtle control freak who controls and gets his way by innuendo until you have changed into the Stepford Wife he thinks he wants you to be, and you no longer resemble the girl-person you naturally are.
It's not a bad thing.
Unless you find yourself changing to suit him in a way that conflicts with who or how you want to be.
OR if you find yourself spending money you cannot as a student afford, in order to adapt to his "image" of what he thinks you should be.
Be true to who you are.
It isn't easy when you want to please a man you care about, but it IS the best policy in all things. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2008 11:52:17 PM | He is a bully and you need to either step up and confront the bull cah cah or find someone who does not spend time belittling your sense of self worth, which by the way you already question .. so in your confusion of self worth .. stop dating and start socializing. I am not sure what the reasoning you tell yourself for dating a guy like this who feels the need to abuse you but you are only in the premature grooming stages and this is where you get out and stay out !! Now that you have left that relationship you are still feeling alone and still have little self worth .. okay no big deal.. you can deal with that now...not have it given to you as a daily dose of medicine .. toxicity over load is gone.. now start eating right , start sleeping right, start a regimen of strong and intense exercise... being strong works in mysterious ways...
Take this routine, continue socializing and you will start to be a different person .. you can never be the same if you make change ... it does work... cause it worked for me when I was a young wart hog and it is still doin what it does for me .. ! | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2008 11:56:31 PM | OP
Lalalis...
Surely he must know you're still studying and not in a position to keep up with the Jones. I would remind him of this - tolerating 'petty' comments that irate you can't be good for you or your relationship. He would interepret your silence as the 'go ahead' to persist with such behaviours. As someone mentioned above open ended communication is the key to a good relationship.
In regards to 'pet' names, only he knows why he conveyed that to you. Ask him.
If you're jealous about his social life, deal with the jealousies. Is it possible, due to your busy schedules, he would rather spend the time getting to know you on a one to one basis? When he's mentioned a planned 'outing' with his friends - have you made it known to him, you wish to participate when you're free? Have you introduced him to your friends?
Don't be afraid to assert your needs and desires early on in a relationship.
Qrah | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/2/2008 12:45:57 AM | Hi lalais: You're young; I'd say too young to get involved in a really serious relationship or take someone too seriously. I've been in a relationship with someone older who was more 'advanced' in his career and level of sophistication than I. I walked on eggshells for 3 years then finally walked away. I was very infatuated with this man, but once I got over it, all I could think about it was 'why did I waste so much time on him?' He was a bully and definitely not 'all that' after all.
What I learned from that experience is that if it doesn't feel right, it isn't right. Do you generally feel insecure in your relationships with men, or is this the first time you've felt this way? If you generally feel insecure, then it may be something to do with your own sense of yourself. If it is just this relationship, it's probably him. To me, this guy you are describing sounds like a bully. He sounds like someone who is mentally and emotionally abusive. At this early stage it may be more subtle, but the longer you put up with it, the more likely it is to get less and less subtle. Anyone who makes you feel inadequate and not up to his level is someone who has issues of his own and someone to stay away from. The best boyfriend is the one who makes you feel completely loved, valued and accepted on all levels, not one who makes you question yourself and your adequancy as a girlfriend. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/2/2008 1:02:50 AM | If you want to meet his friends then talk to him about it. The pet name thing could be good or bad depending on whether or not he likes them.
I think you're thinking too hard about the rest of it. Compliments and suggestions shouldn't be taken negatively unless you feel he's truly being condescending. It sounds like you're applying your own insecurities to otherwise normal interactions with other people. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:45:00 AM | I think you need to end it with him.
Free yourself to grow up. Finish your schooling, get your OWN career going so you can date/BE an equal.
Feelings of inadequacy are all SELF-applied. If you had total confidence in WHAT you were doing, WHERE you were going, HOW you were living your life.. you wouldnt FEEL inadequate at all.
You barely have 3 years experience as an adult.. but 18 as a child.
You are demonstrating jealousy.. NOT a good ADULT emotional state and NOT conducive to a productive adult relationship. You are self-admitting being petty. Good first step.. you ARE being petty and immature.
Remember.. "Not all FEELINGS are based in REALITY"
Go check my posting history.. I have a well-defined mapped out PLAN for what 21 yr old GIRLS should go DO,, absent a "relationship" to finish the maturing process and become self-acualized grown WOMEN.
You've got a lot of work to do.
Oh.. MY opinion on your pseudo-relationship would be to meet him and tell him to get on with HIS life like it seems he is doing.. and dump the little emotionally petty&immature schoolgirl | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:54:47 AM | I'm guessing this is long over by now, going by your profile and a couple more recent posts... I'd have said, though it's hard to tell without being present, it appeared to me as if he were probably making attempts to minimize you. It's a control thing.
How'd it turn out? | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:32:08 AM | Helen.. that is the 2nd or 3rd post of yours that returns to "the control thing" way of thinking..
While SOME men are controlling.. not all are. It's a broad brush to label anyone.. a man OR a woman who wants to HAVE some control over their lives, and what they will deal with.. versus a "control FREAK" or the stereotype of a man being a "controlling" man.
I read her post and just saw two people at way different stages in their lives.. HE was on career and life-living path. and doing things that a FULLY employed person DOES
SHE was still a student.. AND demonstrated some very "schoolgirlish" ways of thinking.
It just seemed a DISCONNECT to me.. not him being "controlling"
I mean.. I order food like Sally does in Harry Met Sally. I get teased about it from ALL of my friends.. The other day.. at a group function.. they were ALL laughing at me as I ordered my meal.. I told them
"Ya know.. I NEVER get a meal I dont thoroughly enjoy!"
They all shut up after saying.. "Good point"
Now am I being CONTROLLING to tell the waitress specific instructions to give to the chef? | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:33:36 AM | | I think you have a mixture of several things. In the one hand yes you are being insecure and a little petty, but also he is not helping feed into your insecurities. But regardless of who is at fault, look inside and ask if you felt this way, before you met him. If you did, then you need to work on you. If these feelings are something that started when dating this guy, then you know they are related to your relationship with him. What that means is that he may need to change his approach, be less critical and accept you for who you are right now, or move on. You shouldn't go through life feeling bad about yourself. And your SO should be, if anything making you feel better not worse. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:37:10 AM | | You're making a mountain out of a molehill due to your insecurity. Talking about this with him shows that you dwell on the negative instead of going with the positives--I'd find this non-plussing if I were the dude. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:46:52 AM | I see red flags here. Why have you not yet met any of his friends?
If he is making you feel something in your gut with comments made listen to your gut. If you ask him about it I am almost certain he will hold up his hands in complete innocence. Listen to your gut responses for they are our survival mechanism. | |
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| What is your opinion on this relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:30:00 PM | competition, evaluation, comparation.....
geeesh!
Are you God?
is He God?
no? then you are both the same value and strength, both of you are worthy and equal.
Anything else is meaning less. | |
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