| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 3:36:48 AM | | I have been friends with my ex now for a couple of years and though he was a cheater and a liar when we were together, I prefer to look at the more positive aspects of his character. All our history is water under the bridge and not an issue to me anymore and yet I find that for no reason whatsoever he still lies to me. Maybe it's a pathological thing, some emotional difficulty that he has never tried to deal with but I find it disturbing because it makes me feel he may have a hidden agenda in trying to appear to be someone he is not and involve me in his life again. Any thoughts? | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 3:50:30 AM | Oh come on here Baby Doll. You know that answer really. You even hinted at it.
Some folks are just liars. They do it so long they dont even think about it. A lie means nothing to them at all. Just almost the way they think and speak. I bet he has no secret agenda. He is just a natural liar.
You get to the point (and we have almost all known at least one person in our life like this) that every single word they say has to be questioned. You get to the point that you just dont believe anymore. I try and keep those folks at a distance. To much work. Too high maintenance. My friends are straight shooters pretty much. May not say much but what they do say you can take to the bank. I'm to old for B.S. or liars. Look what I tell folks here in the forums may not always be right. But I honestly believe what I say is true and sound advice.
Sweetie think long and hard before you allow a habitual liar back into your life again.
Look I hoenstly may not have much in my life but my word and my honor still mean a lot to me and I will not dirty either for anything on this earth.
Dont settle. Find a good honest man. They are out there!
Best of Luck!
Cowboy | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 3:50:32 AM | Some people lie constantly because they think they are more clever than you and you won't figure it out.
Why don't you ask him why he still bothers to lie to you? | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:04:51 AM | .... have been friends with my ex now for a couple of years and ......I find that for no reason whatsoever he still lies to me. Any thoughts?
Well, you've asked for 'thoughts,' so I hope mine don't offend you. First off, I wouldn't consider anyone, male or female, a friend if he/she lied to me. What's the point? A friend is someone you can count on and rely on and a liar can't be relied upon. As far as I'm concerned, a liar can't be trusted for anything at any time. Also, for me, a friend has to be someone I respect, and I don't respect liars. So, I wouldn't be friends with the guy. Are you considering getting back together with him? I wouldn't. Because of the lying, because he can't be trusted, because it would all happen all over again the same way it happened before. Yes, he's got problems. So. Is that a reason to put up with someone who can be hurtful and destructive? My mother had psychological problems, for a reason, she was abused in childhood, but she had problems she refused to deal with or even acknowledge, and, therefore, screwed up our entire family because of her problems. When someone is sick and doesn't seek help, doesn't even acknowledge they are sick, even though they are having some "emotional difficulty," it is not my obligation to turn my life over to them so they can f**k up my life too. If you've got kids with this guy, you've got to deal with him on that basis, on a 'friendly' basis, but you don't have to be his friend. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:08:15 AM | | One obstacle here, if he can't be truthful in any aspect what would be his redeeming qualities that would overshadow this one. They would have to be stellar. If there is a constant search for the actual truth then why waste energy and time; unless you love to figure out puzzles to see which piece would fit and interlock. Gee that seems like more energy than I would expend. My question is to you, why are you hanging on with this person, the track record sounds pretty horrendous. Are you an enabler or unsure of proceeding in another direction alone? That can be scary but a lot more positive than having to deal with lies and unstability. Is there a person you can talk to about with this situation, don't if it qualifies as an obesssion or mother hen complex or what term to apply. Good luck but please run like hell that negativity is going to pull you down faster than you can imagine, like walking in the LaBrea Tar Pits. He wallows in your sympathy and you are holding him up in a bad scenario without a lifeline. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:17:55 AM | Something in his past convinced him that he should lie.
However, I urge you to loose touch with him. For every moment that you worry about why this ex lies to you, you could be enjoying a great conversation with a new friend or jogging. Please don't let negative people consume your time or energy.
Please let him decide to resolve his issues when he is ready. In the meantime, please heal since he hurts you by lying, and make new honest friends.
I hope you smile many times today!
Regards, | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:25:50 AM | | Some people are pathological liars which need to lie even when the truth would have been better. One associate of my puts it this way. Pathological liars are like alcoholics. Just like a alcoholics needs to drink Pathological liars need to lie. People who drink and are alcoholics do so because something is missing or isn’t working in them on a more personal level. Alcohol fills that void in them. Pathological liars need to lie because they too are dysfunctional and when they lie it filled a void in themselves. Most Pathological liars have trust issues and justify lying because they believe everyone else lies to them. Pathological liars also have insecurity issues as well as other issues that they need to deal with if they ever do. This is the way I look at those that are in fact Pathological liars. When we get a head cold we get the symptoms of having a cold or flu right? The symptoms isn’t the cold itself no the symptoms just tell us we have a cold. Well pathological lying is the same thing. It is a symptom of something that is much bigger that is wrong with this person. So if one wanted to stop lying they first would need to understand why they have a need to do so. One other thing about Pathological liars is that they lie to themselves more then they lie to others. Which makes this psychological defect i.e. character flaw even sadder. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:51:03 AM | Don't go there again Girl....Just don't....I did....and it was a huge mistake....
what ever you do....do NOT get sucked in by him!!!!!
He is your EX for a reason! | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 5:32:18 AM | Unless you have underage children with this man there is no reason to keep this liar in your life.
Positive traits? Does he help you around the house or fix your car? If those are the reasons then find a good mechanic and get a book from the library on simple home repairs. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 5:53:15 AM | If he lied before,
why the heck would you expect him not to lie now?
why does he still lie? The simplest answer: Because you let him.
This guy lied to you, and cheated on you, yet you still allow him to be a part of your life, which allows him to continue being dishonest to you. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 6:19:06 AM | | Some people are pathological liars. I think you are well aware of that fact. You did not mention if you had a child between you and this person that forced you to maintain contact. If there is no child involved, my question to you is why do you even know that he is still lying? Why do you still have contact with him? I have cut off contact with people for far lesser reasons than lying to me. I find maintaining relationships with people who are beneath me for any reason is self-abuse. Cut off contact with this tool monkey. While you’re at it, cut off contact with anyone else that doesn’t live up to your level of morals and ethics. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 6:27:39 AM | | If someone is a compulsive or pathological liar, then it is highly unlikely they will ever change. Lying is a way of life; they can’t stop. You can put a spotlight on “the more positive aspect of their character”, but they’re still liars, and that will pretty much negate the frosted Mini Wheat side of any coin. When I “air” my dog, I don’t bring his turds back into the house, and I don’t let cheating compulsive liars back into my life. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 6:45:52 AM | When I “air” my dog, I don’t bring his turds back into the house, and I don’t let cheating compulsive liars back into my life.
Very well said and FUNNY! 
My ex makes most pathological liars look like Mother Teresa. I will NEVER allow him into my life again. Peace and happiness won't be possible with someone like that. Don't waste an ounce of your energy on him and his lies. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 7:27:56 AM | the question, really, is:
Why SHOULDN'T he lie to you?
You've constantly rewarded him for his behavior. We don't fix things that aren't broken. Not only is this not broken for him, IT WORKS WELL. He gets exactly what he wants. He'd be a fool to mess around with it.
The next question is, not why is this his behavior, but why is it YOUR'S?
Other men do not share his positive aspects? More importantly, you really can't find his positive qualities inside yourself? | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 7:39:15 AM | | I met and moved for a man like that. Some people, no matter what can NOT tell the truth. And will lie about anything.And I do mean anything. It is pathological, and dangerous. Thoughts? Lose contact with him as much as you can. Unless you have any binding legal reason to stay in touch with him, DONT!! There is no question to even be asking here. He will only involve himself, if you let him. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 7:46:52 AM | | If his problem was flatulence, there is Beano. But it is not, it is in being honest. I am not one to quote some egghead from a book, so I won't. Lying is not something about a person that changes. Some can even fool polygraph machines. At least you are aware of this behavior. This is a classic case of, "Uh, ya think?". | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 7:47:19 AM |
One other thing about Pathological liars is that they lie to themselves more then they lie to others.
And actually... I think that's why they lie to everyone else.They lie to themselves until they believe their lies are the truth. By the time they lie to you, it's no longer even a lie as far as they're concerned. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 8:34:43 AM | "I have been friends with my ex now for a couple of years and though he was a cheater and a liar when we were together, I prefer to look at the more positive aspects of his character. All our history is water under the bridge and not an issue to me anymore and yet I find that for no reason whatsoever he still lies to me. Maybe it's a pathological thing, some emotional difficulty that he has never tried to deal with but I find it disturbing because it makes me feel he may have a hidden agenda in trying to appear to be someone he is not and involve me in his life again. Any thoughts?"
Wow! This is my ex exactly... The only difference I would say is We are not friends, from my side - just civil because we have a child together. I have told him repeatedly I don't want him as my friend, I would not choose to be friends with someone who lies to me. I am not sure what he still gets from lying to me... maybe a reaction, but he doesn't get one. He won't even admit to me that he has remarried... I just try to ignore him as much as possible and not buy into his lies...
My thoughts are "He doesn't respect me, but worse, he doesn't respect himself either...I lost respect for him a very long time ago...in fact no-one respects him! So sad!" | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 8:36:28 AM | If it disturbs you then either call him on his lies or stop being his friend. Regardless of it is pathological or not if you don't call him on it then you will continue to feel as if he has a hidden agenda and be living on edge all the time second guessing your judgement in this friendship. You have to determine what you want out of this "friendship" with him in order to be happy in your life. Your history is an issue for you because you had this issue when together so it really isn't water under the bridge. A good friend once told me to take my power back...maybe that advice applies to you....take your power back by addressing the issue and/or move on.
Good luck to you... | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 10:05:56 AM |
And actually... I think that's why they lie to everyone else.They lie to themselves until they believe their lies are the truth. By the time they lie to you, it's no longer even a lie as far as they're concerned. That is one thing I've noticed about pathological liars from my limited dealings with such people.
They eventually begin believing their own bullshit, no matter how absurd it gets.
Then they become angry with anyone who questions their stories, because in their own mind they believe they're telling the truth. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 11:03:52 AM | A different angle here.
There are some personality disorders which gives someone a different perception on reality. My ex would insist that events happened in some different order than they really did (and sometimes different than they physically could've) and would arrive at conclusions based on that alternate reality. She didn't think she was lying!! If you accepted her alternate reality, her conclusion could make sense. However, it can be extremely subtle, and it took me years to recognize the pattern.
If you need more examples, look at anyone in the Bush administration, lol
Canoist | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 11:19:45 AM | I am going to do you a favour like someone once did for me. Look up BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder - and see if the criteria fits your ex. I was in a bewildering relationship with a brilliant, extraordinary, kind and generous man who despite all the love he demonstrated towards me, cheated and lied like a child who denied stealing cookies even when he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. None of it made any sense, almost to the point that I had doubts about my own sanity, memory and perceptions.
My jaw hit the keyboard in recognition when I read the criteria. If this happens to you, don't do what I did which is believe that once the problem was identified, it could be fixed.
As an aside, BPDs will often try to re-engage you into their lives. It's called "hoovering" as in the vacuum cleaner. I feel for you. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 11:29:48 AM | In my opinion it's sort of sad and thought provoking that so many of the people posting opinions regarding this topic, saw it as an opportunity to "slam" the OP.
When I see posts like that, I wonder what the person providing this opinion is feeling. Why the need to beat up on another person?
Why the need to be hostile and negative toward someone who's asking for help?
"Please sir, I'm lost could you give me directions and guide me to where I am going?"
"what the hell? Why can't you find your own damn way, you're a freaking grown up for Cripe's sake - get on with it!" (knee to the groin, punch in the nose, elbow in the ribs, spit in their face)
Ug.
Everyone has the dynamic within them of having flaws in their character.
When you have someone in your life - relative - friend - lover that person comes with things that excite and impress you, however they also come with the down sides.
When this happens in relatives, you have no choice about bailing on them. You are forced by blood to remain their family. You can, of course, limit your exposure, and control the times when you are required to be in their presence.
The OP's ex had/has a history of being a liar, I suspect this is why they are no longer together, however it does not make the man entirely bad with no merit. It just means he's human, with perhaps a greater flaw than others.
It's like sin.
Sin is sin.
There's no level of measurement.
One sin is no greater than another.
We as humans want quantitative measurement in order to determine worth.
"this man sucks because he has 12 flaws which he is actively participating in 75% of each day....but this guy? Only has 3 flaws and he controls them to the extent that they only consume his interest 10% of each day."
Well yeah but the second guy?
His 3 flaws which he does 10% of every day - is rape, torture, and murder
The 1st guy? Farts, burps, scratches his nuts, tells fibs and bad jokes, cuts his toe nails in the living room, leaves the cereal bowl with the spoon stuck onto the new wood coffee table, refuses to pick up his own underwear, cusses like a sailor - but adores his children and loves his Mom.
Which one would you choose to associate with?
Better the Devil you know (sometimes) than the one you do not.
OP - as long as you know what you're dealing with, I see no reason to not allow your ex to continue to be a part of your life in a controlled environment. | |
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| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 11:32:47 AM | Holy Cow!!!!! Exactly- I dated a passive aggressive-bpd guy for 2 years. The amount of lies I heard were astounding. Do yourself a favor and realize that even though he might be a "good guy" with a big heart and other redeeming qualities. He is in fact a LIAR. How would you ever trust him in a relationship or further down the road expect him to be an excellent role model to kids? It's a little dramatic but the bright side is that you can control your actions and I agree with most of the other threads here saying you should avoid him and the drama!
 best of luck!
Sarah | |
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Shri_1
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Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 25 | |
| why does he still lie?
Posted: 11/2/2008 11:58:28 AM | a "liar"......
but, a "friend"....
i'm not really seeing the connection here
lose him | |
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