| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/3/2008 1:04:46 PM | Help!
I generally have no trouble remaining on reasonably good terms with those I consider a part of my social life, but occasionally one of them seems to blow a gasket on a fairly consistent basis. Let's call him 'Dude'.
Dude has his good points: the other day he bought me lunch as a condolence gesture after my older brother recently died. I appreciated it and said so.
We were yapping about our lives, situations, etc, and I mentioned a guy I see regularly ('Bloke'). This guy isn't into church as I am, but I don't judge a companionship by religion. Provided there is mutual respect, it's not a big deal to me. I like Bloke a lot and he makes me forget about my grief for a while, cheering me up and making me laugh, etc.
All seemed dandy before, during and after the lunch. Dude was nice, saw me off home, and didn't appear to have anything bugging him.
The next morning, my cell shows a text from him to criticize me for seeing Bloke since he's not a Christian.
Like I need that right now.
I acknowledged his message and asked to not discuss the topic, saying it will make it hard to talk to him. I left it at that, but within a couple of hours I received another FIVE TEXTS. After the second browbeat, I deleted them without reading.
.. so how does one cope with a person like that? I thought I was assertive enough without being too harsh, but I have no idea what brought on his e-tirade, esepecially after he'd just been telling me how those he knows at his church are picking on him, judging and giving him difficulty because he's had some substance abuse history. He feels unsupported by them, yet here he goes jumping down my neck about Bloke's place in my life.
The question I have is this: while of course nobody can read Dude's mind, does anyone think he understands his own behaviour, or am I the one not seeing things clearly? This has me rattled and I would like to relax without feeling guilty that maybe I was wrong.
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/3/2008 6:38:18 PM | Mod,
I sincerely hope this didn't apply to anything I said: I don't believe I insulted anyone .. but if I did, it was unintentional from not understanding someone's way of thinking.
Let me know please, thanks. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/3/2008 6:46:03 PM |
The question I have is this: while of course nobody can read Dude's mind, does anyone think he understands his own behaviour, or am I the one not seeing things clearly? This has me rattled and I would like to relax without feeling guilty that maybe I was wrong.
OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong, or that you need to feel guilty about, to be honest. What you did was, you set boundaries with one of your friends (Dude) on what you will or won't accept behaviourwise from him. Nothing wrong with that at all. Obviously he crossed those boundaries by continuing to nag you about the same topic, for his own personal reasons. I *might* say it's because he's interested in you and thus jealous of Bloke, but I don't know if that would be a good guess or not. Either way though, you also said:
but occasionally one of them seems to blow a gasket on a fairly consistent basis. Let's call him 'Dude'.
If it's happening on a 'fairly consistent basis' then....is he really such a good friend?
Sounds to me like he's got some of his own problems to work out, and he's maybe just going on the offensive with you, because he's feeling defensive about some part of his own personal makeup? Either way though, I can't see that you've done anything wrong. Actually, I find it a bit odd that a friend would blow a gasket with another friend as often as this guy apparently does.
Obviously Bloke is providing some good comfort and friendship at a time when you need it most so, I wouldn't even let Dude affect me more than a flea on my arm at this point, I hate to say.  
Best of luck to you. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:50:49 PM | | I would say that the problem is that it was texting. People should not use texting to discuss issues like this because it can more easily escalate matters and be misconstrued. If something bothers you on a text, rather than text back, just give them a call and talk with your voice in a rational manner and tell them what you are feeling. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:08:38 PM | ClassifiedTMI,
You don't need help...HE does. There shouldn't be anything for you to feel guilty about. Sounds like "Dude" has some things going on upstairs that he needs to deal with. You may have a respect for Dude on some level...based on your history...but, you shouldn't feel obligated to appease him. Maybe he's jealous...maybe he is a hardcore Bible-thumper (no offense) that believes he is being your friend by displaying his disapproval of Bloke....I dunno. Whatever his motivation is, the behavior is unwarranted, and in my opinion, shouldn't be tolerated.
So, yes...your male acquaintance IS too easily offended and emotional...and it's NOT your problem!
- My $.02 | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:14:45 PM | Sounds if hes obsessively jealous and paranoid to boot...be it closeness, companionship, religion..or a combination..tis a very volatile all consuming combination that is seeking out a predatory opening/channel(s) to show its full ire, should time and your friendly nature allow it to control.
Subtly distance yourself
perhaps a very large distance | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:43:39 PM | I think he likes you but he also doesn't like you....one of those love hate things. It's not you, it's him. He has issues and they have nothing to do with you. It feels like it's about you, because he makes it seem that way.
He will drive you crazy with his vascillating. I say leave him be with his issues. What ever his problem is, is beyond your ability to help him. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:48:24 AM |
OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong, or that you need to feel guilty about, to be honest. What you did was, you set boundaries with one of your friends (Dude) on what you will or won't accept behaviourwise from him. Nothing wrong with that at all. Obviously he crossed those boundaries by continuing to nag you about the same topic, for his own personal reasons. Sweet pretty much summed it up with that... you haven't done anything wrong OP...
Basically, he feels some kind of ownership towards you and in feeling that you are his friend (or whatever), he has the right to dictate certain life choices to you...
If I were in this situation, I would be asking my friend exactly what I did to allow them to cross the line to making such personal decisions for me... that should set him back on his heels or at the very least, give you the reason he feels that way.
Cheers...  | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 4:17:55 AM | | I agree with others that he is jealous and looking for things to point out to you about "bloke" to cause you to be not so keen on him. With friends like that....well you know the line. Sounds like you accept "bloke" as he is and you need to tell "dude" to mind his own business in maybe a not so nice way. He's overstepping the boundries of friendship UNLESS, you asked him his opinion. Then, all bets are off and you have to take it as long as its said respectfully. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 4:26:30 AM |
the other day he bought me lunch as a condolence gesture after my older brother recently died. I appreciated it and said so. .....'Dude' was feeding from your grief. 'Dude' saw an opportunity and he took it. 'Dude' thinks you now 'owe' him as he is out of pocket.
What would I do in this situation? .....I would pay him for my half of the meal then kindly ask him to leave me the hell alone.
If he cannot be a 'friend' when you need him then what the hell other use does he have?'
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 5:17:46 AM | As the site reminds us, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Let's put it this way...if you had a plain, four door car that did some things well, and other things poorly...would you replace it? Probably, as soon as you had the chance.
If you had a classic sports car, that did some things well, and other things poorly....would you replace it as easily? Maybe not.
Personally, I do not see friends as people who had misery to my life, but help me get away from it | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 5:42:23 AM | | hi op, by your account i don't see a single thing you said or did that was out of line. dude seems to be more than a little self-righteous. all you can do is explain to him your position on the matter (not more than once) and let it go. either he gets it, or he doesn't. it's HIS problem, not yours. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 7:03:42 AM | | Who you see is your business, not his.He sounds like a person that never takes responsibility for anything. Just blames everyone else for picking on him etc.How can everyone in his life be wrong, some of it must be his fault.I bet he is kind of person gets up everyones noses.He comes across as judgmental and critical.Who you see is your concern not his, tell him butt out and buck up. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 8:12:19 AM | If Dude weren't so much like a brother (albeit an extremely moody and immature brother), I'd have sent his sorry rear out the door. He's the type who gets very bothersome and during that time I want to avoid him, but as I said he does have his good points. I can't find it in my heart to completely write off someone I've known for so long. This is the main guilty part: I'm not a person who easily turns my back on others, and it takes a lot to alienate me once a familiarity is carved in stone.
Still, that doesn't entitle him (or anyone else) to impose his zealous views on me. He thinks he has to show me where I am going wrong as a Christian ~ don't go out with nonbelievers ~ but it was the WAY he did it that comes off as bullying. He forces it, and can't understand that others aren't persuaded with loud, sarcastic retorts. He wants to debate everything and I can't stand that.
However, the thing that irritates me more than anything is his VICTIM routine. Yes, he does blame everyone else, and thinks he's being unfairly treated. He then turns on me like a religious Mack truck, revving the engine and honking the horn. Until he's finally exhausted enough to show some humility, I stay the heck out of his way! Like now.
Someone said I ought to have called him instead of texting in return: well, that works when the other is capable of being quiet long enough to actually LISTEN. Dude ain't .. it's just safer for me to use the text feature. I don't need burst eardrums. He's a verbal door-slammer.
I've cut him off before for the bullying. He seemed to have no idea how I could perceive his 'help' as bullying. Now it's happening again ..
... so there's a concensus that he may be trying to smash some 'competition'? If only Dude knew there is NO WAY he's even in the running.
Would I marry Bloke? .. OH ya. 
Still .. the issue is why do I not just say adieu to Dude? Well, in all honesty this latest stunt is soo crossing the line, I am not far from making the avoidance permanent ... certainly right now I have no intention of dealing with him. 
I feel bad, but I also want the distance from Dude's overbearing obliviousness. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 8:33:29 AM | It appears that Dude feels more than friendship for you. While he may have cloaked his tirade in religious objection, his real issue seems to have been the fact that you were seeing another guy. If you know that he has a rather incendiary personality, you may want to avoid discussing your "other interests" with him in order to keep the peace or even find out if Dude has some feelings for you that he hasn't expressed to this point.
He's obviously in need of better feelings management but he sounds more like a jealous boyfriend than an indignant friend. You might want to get that out on the table between you.
Does he understand his own behavior? Of course he does. I think maybe you're not understanding his behavior or the feelings at the base of it. If he does have more than just friendship feelings for you, you may just need to avoid some topics.. like the ones that hurt boyfriends. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:01:20 AM | tell him that it's really no concern of his, and if he doesn't like it, there are probably ladies in his church who might he more in tune with his way of thinking.
Myself, I would tell him to simply STFU.
Google it, if you don't know what it means, it's a handy phrase, and useful in such situations. | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:25:19 AM |
Let's try that again without turning this into a trolling and insult match.
Hmmm... I think my post got swept out along with the Xtian bashing. Oh well, let's try again.
OP, you've pointed out a lot of negatives about Dude, but not much that's positive. He bought you lunch in a bad time: minor points gained. He's so like a brother: neutral. Controlling, judgmental, bullying, stalking: major points lost.
So far it looks like a Dan Savage mantra is required: DTMFA.
Cheers,
Mike (oh for the opportunity to drop santorum into casual conversation, now that election day is here) | |
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:44:14 AM | Urbanx, hi ~
.. yeah, it's probably during his spaz that I can see mostly his bad traits, tho' I know he has many good ones that just aren't visible right now.
Point level: -10.
Can he raise it?
Only if he wants to, and that's not up to me .. for all I know, he's probably decided not to talk again.
*sigh* .. OH well.
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| Male acquaintance is too easily offended and emotional
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:30:08 AM | | Sometimes friends need to be told that their opinion of your mate are not their concern. As simply a 'friend' he is over stepping his boundries and grasping at straws to make the other guy seem less attractive to you. | |
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