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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...      Home login  
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 Bona-bella
Joined: 10/31/2008
Msg: 1
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Okay, this issue is really still fresh out of the oven. I have never endured such a complicated situation in my life.

Well, this person (man) lives with his so called x wife, he claims they have sever their relationship over three months ago and she sleeps in another room in their home. He tells me the reason why he is still living with her is because of their business and their home. However assures me that when these issues are resolved he will be moving on his own.

There has not been anything intimate at all, however, I do not want to waste my time on this person.

He merely does not want to give me his home phone number... but his cell phone.
He seems more concerned about how they (his x-wife and sister in law) will survive when they venture out into the big bad world.
I am very skeptical, and have tried to understand his position, but frankly I do not want to become that stupid girl!

Any advice, is there something I maybe missing?
 missinghimalready
Joined: 2/7/2006
Msg: 2
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:04:28 PM
run like hell

I wouldn't even consider dating a man unless the ink is dry on his divorce papers

just my $.02
 sweet lady Lori
Joined: 3/19/2008
Msg: 3
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:21:51 PM
This man is still living with his wife so he is NOT separated. Regardless if they are in separate beds, they still live in the same home.
He sounds pretty sketchy to me! I think he wants his cake and to eat it too. Run like the wind Bona-bella and let some other naive woman be the frosting for that stale piece of cake!!!!!!
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 4
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:24:59 PM
Not giving you his home number is a big red flag. I'd say tell him to call you if he does move out on his own.
 actualizing
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 5
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:30:02 PM
Well, it all depends if you like things to be easy or difficult. I myself am with a man who still lives with his ex. They have had this arrangment (in separate bedrooms and not being intimate) for ten years now. They are raising a daughter who is now 15. She, his ex, has had a boyfriend for 4 years. The daughter supposedly doesn't know they're not "together." I really have not made all of that my business. She seems like a wonderful woman and I have no quip with him being there. They never married either. They live as brother and sister basically. She knows I'm in the picture (ten months now) and all is well on his end.

On my end, that's another matter. I am happy with him when I see him (twice or three times a month). He lives a two-hour drive away. He is a good man. I figure I'll give it a year and then I have to put my foot down and leave him. It's quite hard because he has so many wonderful qualities. However, I want a future with the man I love and not love with a man I can build no future with. I have grown lots from having him in my life. I have found out so many things about myself. I would say that what you do is completely up to you based on what you are willing to compromise in order to be with a good man who loves you.
 Bona-bella
Joined: 10/31/2008
Msg: 6
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:30:48 PM
I agree, I have no clue why I like this man. The only reason why I am still here is because there is something odd... he does not want to be intimate (like the other guys I have spoken to on this site) , he wants to be friends and to let our relationship develope naturally. I think he is either way too smooth and pulling the wool over my eyes or he is sincere but has had a big strike of bad luck....! I am not defending him, but isn't this odd?
 Bona-bella
Joined: 10/31/2008
Msg: 7
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:34:44 PM
Thanks for the reply. Well he claims he has filed separation papers with a lawyer. He says he is renovating his house before they can sell it... He does nothing but complain about these women in his life.... and says things like " I am taking care of things now"

He has a fairly large business, would he be that stupid to have a pof profile, and to advertise his status on other sites?
 PassTheMuster
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 8
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:38:54 PM

He does nothing but complain about these women in his life


WomEn? There's more than one?! Yikes.

OP, you might want to take a look at this thread. Not exactly the same situation as yours but similar, and I think you might find a lot of the responses helpful.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts11141382.aspx
 Bona-bella
Joined: 10/31/2008
Msg: 9
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:42:22 PM
Wow, congrats on being such a strong woman. I see your point and I am looking at it though that sort of lens... "what am I willing to tolerate." I have made it very clear that I am not a stupid girl... and he will not have me and his wife together... Forget it! Now, there is something that sticks out with him, he really seems sincere. I told him I must see him making an effort in moving on with his life before I even consider anything more.. He and I, like many other people are choosing to be friends and to go from there....but... i know myself, and i know I may end up really liking him and kicking myself in the ass down the road if he turns out to be a real loser... I am so annoyed and confused! And not to mention, so many of these men on this site are looking for a intimate encounter... have you had the same experiences?
 Windchick
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 10
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:45:20 PM
Yeah, and I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Tell him to get his marriage crap cleaned up and THEN you can start a relationship. Trust me, men greatly increase their potential to go psycho when they're going through divorce. (BTDT, got the t-shirt)

Let some other poor fool find out she's either the other woman or the transition relationship. You don't need that drama.
 Bona-bella
Joined: 10/31/2008
Msg: 11
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:52:17 PM
I am sorry what I meant by women is his x-wife and her sister both live in his house... and they take advantage of him... and he is so stupid he lets them hit his wallet whenever they want.... He claims "he is too nice of a guy." Stupid guy I think, he even identifies with their position.... What the heck!
 The Glock Man
Joined: 6/3/2005
Msg: 12
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:04:14 PM

Trust me, men greatly increase their potential to go psycho when they're going through divorce.


can you blame them?


there are millions of single un attached men on this site all you have to do is look.
 Bona-bella
Joined: 10/31/2008
Msg: 13
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:11:11 PM
hey, well guess what sweet heart... this is where i found him!
 Florida_Diva
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 14
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:45:52 PM
if he really is seperated from his wife, why not give you his numbers . . .IF he is hes not ready to move on . . .dont waist your time . . i always tell people with problems, what if your sister or mom asked you the smae thing what would you tell them.
 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 15
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:52:22 PM

Any advice, is there something I maybe missing?


Common sense, perhaps?
 Bona-bella
Joined: 10/31/2008
Msg: 16
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:02:03 PM
I have plenty of common sense! That was rude and uncalled for, you obviously are miserable, so take it out on someone else!
 The Glock Man
Joined: 6/3/2005
Msg: 17
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:12:21 PM
hey, well guess what sweet heart... this is where i found him!


hmmm you found him hey? interesting ...what part of "3 months out of a marrige" did you not understand?




the only "advice" you need is to stop drawing drama in to your life.
 Dear Vixen
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 18
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 10:22:38 PM
If you yourself are questioning the situation and making excuses and trying to rationalize/justify things then I'd say there is a problem...You see the RED FLAGS but are ignoring them...And your trying to convince yourself that everything is ok..."He's only an ax-murderer but really didn't mean it!!!!" lol...I'd step back for awhile and have a look....Or ask yourself - "If my bestfriend/sister/daughter was in this situation what would I think??" A guy would never put up with the same situation...
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 19
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Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 10:51:29 PM
I think everyone has covered the bases on this question.

But there is one observation of separated folks I've noticed.

Everything changes after the divorce is final.
The person waiting on that usually is dumped as the newly divorced explores their freedom.

Often separated folks latch on to someone for the duration.
But only till they are free of the spouse.

Seen it too many times with both sexes.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 20
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History
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 10:59:39 PM
OP.. You sound as if you want this relationship even after he's disclosed his situation to you *shrugs* You've obviously made up your mind or else you wouldn't be trying to justify all the answers you're getting that don't match whats in your own head.

The fact you're even asking people about it is your instincts telling you that it's not an ideal situation.. Listen closely to what your gut is trying to tell you.

"Separated" in the true sense of the word.. means APART.
 tea 4 two
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 21
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 11:37:26 PM
Three months is not a long time. He only wants to be friends and not intimate because he is probably wondering wether he should stay or not.
I had a similiar situation about 5 yrs ago where I met a man who said he lived with the ex but in separate beds and no intimacy. Well fast forward to about 3 weeks ago and who says hi to me on POF same guy and guess what he still lives with the ex in separate bedrooms. And why, he says its because he does not want her to have half all that he worked for, the house and the business. I told him what I told him 5 yrs ago call me when you move out. On his profile it says that he is divorced and the only reason he said hi to me here on POF is because my profile did not have a pic but of course I recognized him. As soon as he found out who I was he deleted his profile. Now if someone says hi to me who is separated I am not interested unless it says divorced/single/widower. I wish you all the best.

cheers and happy
 capricorn40
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 22
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 11:37:35 PM
I'll give you my take on the situation and you can take it for what it's worth.
My wife left me and wanted me to buy her out of the house. Two months later, she couldn't afford to live out there in the big bad world so she wanted to live in the home with me (sseparated) until the remortgage went thru. I said, not only no, but hell no.
I ended up paying her rent in another apartment until the money came in. That was how far I was willing to go to make sure we were apart.
Your friend sound like he is in no way shape or form ready to date or involve anyone in his life until he can totally cut loose ALL ties with his wife, finanacial or otherwise.
And you can paint the "nice guy" brush all you want, but at the end of the day it seems like way to much drama to take on.
 capricorn40
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 23
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/3/2008 11:48:52 PM

had a similiar situation about 5 yrs ago where I met a man who said he lived with the ex but in separate beds and no intimacy. Well fast forward to about 3 weeks ago and who says hi to me on POF same guy and guess what he still lives with the ex in separate bedrooms. And why, he says its because he does not want her to have half all that he worked for, the house and the business. I told him what I told him 5 yrs ago call me when you move out. On his profile it says that he is divorced and the only reason he said hi to me here on POF is because my profile did not have a pic but of course I recognized him. As soon as he found out who I was he deleted his profile. Now if someone says hi to me who is separated I am not interested unless it says divorced/single/widower.


Sad to say, some people don't really know what "separated" really means.
It DOESN"T mean "I'm not sleeping with my live-in wife anymore"
It means, they are living appart and the legal process of divorce is in motion.
I was lucky. I was told for a "nice" divorce the process could take 2 years.
However, since my wife left me and I told her I wanted to divorce soon as possible, she agreed for me to put down in writing a lot of "nasty" stuff to quicken the process.
Hence, my divorce went through in 6 months.
It also cost me more money to speed up the process, but it was worth it.
Sometimes people don't want to spend the extra few thousands to be legally divorced.
I Think if the person lives alone and they have all the other persons crap out the house or live in another apartment (not a hotel or parents house) they are truly on their way to being divorced.
 forumgenie
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 24
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:41:40 AM
Hi OP,

I've been where you are now and the only thing to do is say 'Thanks but no thanks." Everyone has given you excellent advice including Renaissance Man.

Married men or the ones pretending to be separated are truly cunning. They will promise you the world, they will tell you everything YOU want to hear and even if you aren't physically intimate (this way he can use the Clintonesque excuse "I did not have sex with that woman"), he is still getting you emotionally involved and emotional extramarital affairs are just as dangerous as the Let's Meet At The NoTel Motel for lunch. If you don't believe me, read some of the posts on the Endings forum on The Other Woman website (TOW). There are hundreds of women who started in your position and didn't heed their gut feelings.

Tell him to look you up once the ink has dried on the divorce papers. You say this is a complicated situation so unless you thrive on drama why invite this into your life?

Best of luck.
 actualizing
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 25
Need advice....married man/seperated but still lives with his wife...
Posted: 11/4/2008 4:45:44 AM

And not to mention, so many of these men on this site are looking for a intimate encounter... have you had the same experiences?


I used to have those experiences but since I hid my profile for awhile and disabled my IM, there were no problems. Now my profile says I'm looking for friends, which I am. I love being here on the forums. I am pretty much an open book and by now any guy on here who has read what I have written is smart enough to cast his line in another direction...LOL.

You will work it out. Life is just not as cut and dry as it all seems. If you feel you can have a man friend in your life without getting too attached to him because of his current status, then do so. You might want to nip his complaining about his women in the bud though, that's not kosher in my OP. Good luck Bella!
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