| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:02:02 AM | Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute/hooker (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in a car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record.
He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. Apparently he's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.
Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? Did he do it just the once or was it a habit? Is he telling me because I'm likely to find out about his criminal record later? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him? | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:06:01 AM | | yes i think you should just try and get past it there are a lot worse things he could have done, and if you are happy and love him thenwats the big deal, if you let him go i think you will regret it for a long time. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:09:50 AM | | its really no big deal, i have never been with any type of hooker but you would be surprised with how many men have, as long as he is drug free and std free, its not a big deal. i wouldnt think twice about it. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:16:08 AM | Frankly, this seems like a very good sign. This is something that it's extraordinarily unlikely you would ever find out about unless he told you. It weighs on him and he wants you to have the truth in order to judge. Presumably, he also believes that this will not be a deal breaker, but he was willing to take that risk.
As to men going to prostitutes when they are lonely, horny and need some human companionship, that's been a given throughout history. The difference between that and a drunken one-night stand is that a prostitute is much more likely to use a condom.
That you are seriously wondering whether or not to let this go says more about you than him. Are you looking for a deal-breaker? Because this type of honesty seems more like a deal-maker.
Cheers,
Mike (now, if he admires Dubya, that's a deal breaker) | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:19:31 AM | | Sheesh! Here's a man that is willing to share a vulnerable and painful story from his distant past, all in the hopes of being honest and having full disclosure with you, and you're still looking for a reason to make more out of this than what it really was. I'm wondering if after getting engaged only 6 months into a relationship that maybe you aren't getting cold feet OP, and looking for an excuse to blow this up. Making a big deal out of something so trivial, and something he obviously can't do anything about, should do the trick. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:21:01 AM | The short answer is, yes.
You said, "We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate."
It's in the past. Today is today and you've got yourself a good catch. That doesn't happen often.
...just don't tell him you blacked out at the college basketball homecoming party.... | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:21:56 AM | Well, how abhorant is this act to you? Is it enough for you to let this guy go? It obviously bugs you enough to post it here. But is it enough to end the relationship over?
As far as what he did, I can sorta understand it. Yeah, when you've lost someone, and the world seems big and cold, you get depressed. I can understand where ANY connection, even a hooker's touch, would be welcome. It was a moment of weakness I think every human goes through in one form or another.
Now, the question remains, is this moment of weakness, his humanity showing, that happened 10 years ago, so abhorant to you that you want to end an otherwise good relationship?
P.S. The guy must really trust and care about you to share something so personal. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:22:31 AM | | I could have found out, for example if we tried to get into the US (we're from England) - we'd probably have been turned away because he has a criminal record. Or am I being too cynical? | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:24:21 AM | | ps my gut feeling is to trust him on this, because he seems such a decent guy so forgive me if I come across as untrusting, just been bitten hard in the past.... | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:33:52 AM | | Give the guy a break. He made a mistake 10 yrs ago. Have you never done something of which you are ashamed? If you haven't, you must be the only person in the world that can make that claim. None of us are perfect and it took a tremendous amount of courage for your fiance to tell you about this. Do you remember the Hugh Grant/Hooker escapade? Elizabeth Hurley forgave him and they were living together at the time of his indiscretion. By the way, I don't think it will prevent you both from coming to the States. Hugh still comes here and he pleaded guily. Marry this soulmate you've been blessed enough to find and don't worry about the past. Look forward to the future. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:36:58 AM | "I could have found out, for example if we tried to get into the US (we're from England) - we'd probably have been turned away because he has a criminal record. Or am I being too cynical?"
I don't see how that type of charge would effect either of you coming into the US, so I think you would be just fine there. It was 10 years ago and I'm sure he took care of all the legalities by now.
If your looking for an out the just get out, if not then look at it and see he was honest with you about it, and if you still have doubts do a search on him.
As far as weather or not I would have a problem with it? Nope it was 10 years ago and he wasn't out to hurt anyone, and under the circumstances, I see it as no differerent then a lonely person who picks someone up at a bar for a one nighter.
Good luck Op I hope it works out for you. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:42:21 AM |
happened about 10 years ago...So he never got his hand-job
Are you serious???? You didn't even know him then for one. Second, it didn't even happen.
Next, you are agreeing to marry him after only knowing each other for 6 months. I have a bigger problem with that than a non incident. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:46:15 AM |
what sort of man uses a prostitute
Didn't Jesus sleep with an ex-prostitute? And married her (if you believe in Templar's Knight)?
So should I try to let this go because I love him?
You sounded you doing him a favor by "let this go". At age of 50, you sound narrow minded. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:50:52 AM | | This isn't a troll post at all - I do want advice and thank you to those who have given it. I think that you in the US are much more open-minded than we are here in the UK and I appreciate the perspective. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:51:02 AM | | I wouldn't try to tell you what to do. What is the problem? He made a mistake, he was and is punished by it. It obviously bothers his conscience, or he wouldn't have told you for fear of what is going through your mind right now. I, personally, don't want to know about yesterday, unless it involves a current/permanent STD or gender change. If you love someone, you trust who they are today. Bad choices and bad judgment are pretty common occurrences in one's past. From multiple sex partners, bachelor/bachelorette party escapades, experimentation, etc., things may have happened that will drive you to drink or worse. There are not a lot of perfect people in this world, some of us live in glass houses. Honesty is sometimes a hard pill to swallow. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:02:36 AM | | He only confessed to this because his arrest is now public record that you could find out about. He is covering his a$$. I have no doubt that he visited prostitutes many times before and only admitted to this time because you could possibly find out it. People will often admit to doing a little bit of a bad thing in the hope that you wont find out about the entire bad thing they did. They want to appear to be remorseful , penitent and honest about their past deeds even though they are only admitting to a small amount of them. | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:20:28 AM | I don't find it attractive personally for a man to be obsessed with porn or getting off on stippers. I have had friends that were strippers. For some men, its just a part of their life style. I have a friend's Dad, around 57 that would have a dinner party at home with his wife and many "important" guests and I'd be out with them at a strip club watching them get lap dances while talking myself out of getting one and waiting for his dad in the "Champagne Room". I have never broken up a home but have been befriended by many men that just needs female companionship and someone to understand them. I grew up with a lot of brothers and am very comfortable with men. I don't have a "man hating" disposition and mostly can distinguish the difference between the good and bad. I can socialize with them all, however to date these type of man is different. I have no problem with men that have sown their wild oats and understand the need for discovery on many facets and am no angel myself but it would be unacceptable for me. That is just a personal feeling and an opinion.
I've seen friends cheat on their boyfriends. Men and women cheat on their spouses. Swingers. I've seen a lot of what life consists of. Good and bad. I've seen a lot of things that are disconcerting and some refreshing. However, I am very attracted to men that are a little "together" because I am sometimes wreckless and can't have an additonal person in my life to contribute to my deliquency so I avoid men that have that need. I value education. It's like endurance, its not fun but they committed themselves and finished what they started. I respect that. I'm attracted to handsome priest. The idea of such strong self-control and the innocense I suppose. I date handsome geeks. Maybe to protect myself? I still remember this attractive lady in her late 30's (she seem to have a lot of self-respect and she intriqued me) that rented my place out when I was 18 that came from the same area that I came from in Vietnam, "It is better to marry someone that loves you more than you love them". Didn't make sense than as it does now. The question remains, what are you comfortable with?
I think its human nature to have "the need" to be satisfied. However, when a man has his life in order, he falls less prey to these types of things, especially if you are enough entertainment to them. I meant him. :) And, if you were unavailable he would just choose to "choke his chicken" instead of going down to some place shady to run into a street walker. If he has a life and active, that would be the last thing he would want to do. I have a tendency to date very conservative men because of this stability. With mutual respect a relationship is bound to be more secure. Pain and suffering will always exist. Choose a man that can endure the pain and suffering. It's part of the life we live. Numbing is just that. That is why some employers choose people with degrees. Studying is pain and suffering (well it was this way for me but I did learn to appreciate it towards the end-I mean learning) but on the other hand it's endurance, dedication ,and comittment in something. That's good. My challenge is finding the balance of a man that is stable but not controlling and suffocating. It inhibits growth and miserable (pain and suffering). There is only one life to live. So, "my guy" is going to have those urges that I will need to satisfy completely along with his own self-satisfaction. Any man with fetishes outside of the norm is out of the question for me because as free-spirited t I am conventional and traditional with the "sense of love" in relationships.
Point taken... he told you in efforts to not causee "irrevcable damage". However, is he telling you for your sake or his? 6 months is no time at all to be engaged. Have you considered a longer engagement? Like two more years? You are 51 and at this point in your life, what is the rush? Who has more money and who has more to gain in ur union?
All men have urges to be sexually satisfied, but to be that vulnerable to step into a car and get a hand job in a vulnerable state and than get arrested for it. I dunno... what do you have to bring to the table? Me, I wouldn't go for it. Despite any type of vulnerabilities that is a poor choice? And, than to have a record for it? This is aside from the need to get ****ed or sucked by a hooker. Ends to a means is fine and we all have to survive and function, but wouldn't you want someone that uses his head a little. History repeats itself often without reform. I had a friend that parked across the street to avoid a possible $3 valet fee and got towed across the street from me. It amazes me with her frame of thinking. She is not dumb but definately not the sharpest "tool" in the shed and boy if any body ever beat me in any poor choices its her, she's 44, attractive, still wants kids and to be a housewife. However doesn't know how to cook and I don't even think she even likes sex but she is starting to decide that she'll play the game. When it all falls apart she is oblivious to why when we all no why?
With my personality and background I would prefer a man to openly speak of his needs so we are on a level playing field and to know if we are a balance together. So his sharing the information is only deemed positive. I have pyschologically put myself in their situation, Successful men that are sexually frustrated but just need someone to take care of some needs...pay them and they are out of your hair. No guilt. No obligation. But, of course during that time where I remember being so consumed with work I still only fantasized about it and never went through with it. None-the-less get arrested for something like that? Ahhh. Umm. Not good,
Bottom-line as with anything, what are you comfortable with? Don't seal the deal until you are over this issue. Something like this, on the surface may appear minor but I am guessing their will be issues resulting from this. My parents were married for many years, still are, and my Mother has only be with one man (she's 67), only been with my Dad. She is a strong bright woman that lost her parents when she was a child due to the war. From what I heard the communist drew a line and asked her parents if they wanted their faith or their life. She lost both her parents when she was 12 or 13 tied up in the jungles of Vietnam. My Father on the other hand, was a "Mr Player", many misteresses. Something I honestly really don't respect. However, he is paying for it and has been. His family was weathier and a little more pretentious and did not make it easy for my Mom. I know about good people and resentment. As much as my Mother behaves like a matyr, nothing is like a "woman scorned". Virgin and self sacrificing or not. The anger and resentment will come out over and over and over. I have been witnessed to it.
Clear the problem before you are stuck with the problem. Resentment always surface when you don't communicate your issues. Obviously you see a red flag, otherwise I would not be writing here on this forumn at the moment other than to get out of my own problems and mere boredom. Theres is no hurry to consumate a union. You've got all the time in the world, Good luck! And, pray for  | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:22:16 AM | No. Every time you two fight from here on, you need to remind him of his bad choice, and what a horrible person he is for having a criminal record.
Hehehe.
Now, this should be a no brainer. Why even post about this? Do you really have any doubts? I would be thankful for his honesty. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:24:47 AM | You have an extremely honest guy ... ask him if he has done this before and how recent
As long as its been prior to your relationship it shouldn't matter except to make sure that he's been tested for STDs. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:26:44 AM | | Ten years ago? I'd be amazed that he was so forthcoming with you and trusted you with the information, so let it go. He is no longer that man. And the answer to your question of "what kind of man" the kind that is exactly the way he described, sad and and lonely. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 11:42:50 AM |
What sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? Did he do it just the once or was it a habit?
He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. So are you saying that you aren't answering your question? Are you saying that you are lying about him being your soul mate? Are you saying you think he is a liar and a sexual deviant?
We don't know him, you do. If you don't trust him, if your gut is telling you he is a liar and he isn't your soul mate, only you can decide what to do. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 11:45:00 AM |
I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. *snorts*
So should I try to let this go because I love him? Yes.. you should let it go .. you should also wait at least a year before you actually marry him to see what else he discloses ..  | |
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