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Show ALL Forums  > Australia  > Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??      Home login  
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 hilly1971
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 1
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Do you think its possible to be friends with someone,become lovers and afterwards go back to being friends successfully?

People seem to have very differing opinions on whether men and women can even be platonic friends let alone remain so after having sex.

Should you sleep with your mates?

Is it worth risking a friendship for?

Do you think you can really get back to how you were before you became intimate?

No im not doing the business with my mates...im just curious!
 I flunked pre-school
Joined: 10/1/2008
Msg: 2
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:03:09 AM

People seem to have very differing opinions on whether men and women can even be platonic friends let alone remain so after having sex.

Twould be a boring a world if everyone agreed, nothing would change and naughty sex would be boring?


Should you sleep with your mates?

That's something only those in that situation could answer at that time


Is it worth risking a friendship for?

Depends if its a sympathy lay or a drunken moment or equally beneficial, again each persons situation is different.


Do you think you can really get back to how you were before you became intimate?

generally no
 pandabollocks3000
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 3
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:20:50 AM

Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??


Ahh yes friends! Much easier than stalking.
 qldblue
Joined: 5/7/2008
Msg: 4
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:21:55 AM
Good question Hilly and the people who can really answer that would be the people involved.

I can honestly say that I would not sleep with my mates as they don't interest me as they are male and I prefer female.

On a more serious note tho, a short while ago I happened upon an article that covered this question of a man and woman being platonic friends and the answer they gave was no, the platonic relationship will start out as such but sooner or later one or the other will start to think that maybe they should go further and in some cases the love style relationship works and in others it doesn't and in the cases of a love relationship not working there is also the numbers who remain as good friends and the numbers for not seeing each other again.

I don't know how much of our tax paying money the researchers got to do this study but they ended up proving that all relationships will be different.

I once read a joke that pretty much somes up any friendship and it goes like this;
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with his best mate, so he gets his gun and shoots his wife.
When questioned as to why he shot only his wife, he replied, hey I can get a wife anytime but it is very hard to get a good friend

So in answer to your questions, I have taken the long way to say I don't know as we humans are not very predictable.
 SomethingforKate
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 5
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:27:24 AM
Can I phone a friend?

In short, for me personally, nope couldn't do it, doesn't work *ahem*. One is really treading the line here.
 lyingcheat
Joined: 10/1/2008
Msg: 6
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 6:00:21 AM
Speaking in generalities here to avoid potential embarassment to...um... hundreds of women.
The answer to this question, according to the 'common wisdom', is - don't do it. Sexualizing a (true meaningful already long term) friendship tends not to work out too well.

There are exceptions, and I'm sure I'm about to hear all about them, but ask yourselves how many of your friends, and the people you know, have large numbers of former sexual partners still in their group of current friends.
Many people retain friends from where they worked, went to school, once lived etc etc. Sometimes for years and years. How many people retain former work mates they once had sex with? How many retain any more than one or two former sex partners for any length of time after the sexual relationship is over? Whether they were 'friends' beforehand, or not, doesn't make much difference does it?
So one would have to conclude that, in general, if you value and want to keep the friend and you don't see a long term sexual and emotional connection developing in its place, don't fvck them.

Then ask how many people you, or anyone, knows that are close friends now with any more than one or two people they've ever had sex with.
There are exceptions of course (sigh...) But wouldn't the overwhelming majority of people have contact with only one?
That is... the current one?
If so, one would have to conclude that stopping having sex with someone is equivalent to saying goodbye.
 littlesmiley
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 7
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 6:11:23 AM
Hilly that's an interesting question that might tempt us at times.

I have a lot of great guy, and women friends, and a lot still from my teen years, so I don't think we can't be platonic, I sometimes forget I'm a girl with my guy mates, only when they tease me do I remember.

My two dearest guy friends I've known both for over 30 years - longer than any of our relationships - although mine was the longest.

One is my best friend and no we couldn't do the deed it would be too weird, but I love him to death and him me. Best friends in every sense of the word.

The other was a friend, became my first love, we went back to being friends for quite a few years and were fine, lost touch and would catch up occasionally over the years.

He was one of the first of my old friends I caught up with and has been a good friend again for a couple of years now, while still respecting his relationship - there's a reason we fell in love, he is a wonderful man/human being and I love his company. There's a great deal of benefit in having a friend that knows you quite that well.

Maybe if the intimacy is out of love and all that stuff including respect and trust, and none of that is broken, friendship is not a hardship.

I do have to say the boundaries might be little more blurred maybe, but something we were actually able to discuss because we do love (platonically this time), trust and respect each other still, and treasure our friendship.

So, I'd never say never on that one.
 BionicAngel
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 8
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 7:18:20 AM
We can't live our lives backwards. I live by that concept. To look at introducing a change, and hoping to 'go back to how it was', once we've consciously changed things is likely to lead to disappointment, I think.

It may be better to acknowledge - before you go there - that things are about to change, and we don't have a blueprint to follow in life, so ya just gonna have to kind of wing it and see what unfolds.

Any relationship or action is like that. We don't have control over how people will respond to changes we implement in our own lives and with those people in it. We can only deal with them as they dish them out.

If you both value the friendship and its based on genuine two way respect, it will survive no matter what eventuates. It will change, definately... but that doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing.

Personally, I believe I've always fallen in love with good friends. I'm not a 'love at first sight' type of person. Romance, kind of baffles me to be honest...I feel much more comfortable coming from a place of friendship... I like learning what makes people laugh, building trust, exploring boundaries, establishing respect... and I find that in friendship first.

If I identify a potential "happy space" in one of my friendships, I really have to explore the friendship on a lot of levels, before I know I want to be there, and am sure we are both going to accept each other just as we are, and be good for each other. Being a parent adds quite a few more considerations too. And that all takes time.

Having said that though... I personally don't think sex should be kept as some far off "upper realm" of relationship. It's an important consideration too, even more so if your considering turning a friendship into a long term relationship. Sexual chemistry matters, and I find it a little perplexing when I talk to ppl who say it doesn't, but they are working to improve things with partners, ra ra ra. Each to there own.

If you have found a good friendship Hilly, and its good on lots of levels for both of you, and you both want to go there... heck, go for it. What's the worst that can happen? You both wake up and say "Damn, that was good lets do it again... or you both look at your friend, and say "Pfft, well, that didn't work did it?" Either way, if its a good friend who accepts and understands you, the chances are, you will both still be grinning, whatever happens.

So..In Hilly Speak: If ya good friend turns out to be a great shag, heck girl... your on a winner!
 Brizguy_2008
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 9
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 1:24:21 PM
I think the original question posed is the first concern.
Why is it: Frineds, lovers and then BACK to friends.
Why not: Friends, lovers, while REMAINING friends.

The difference is, if you are great friends, and you have sex, why would that change the friendship?.
It will obviously depend on the 2 people and their headspace at the time, but if they're in the right place then I don't see the problem.

It will become a problem however if one of them wants more than just the extra fun of non-commital sex, and wants to then take it further. That's possibly a recipe for disaster.

Just my 2 cents.
 1NSATIABLE
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 10
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 1:40:06 PM
if the sex is great nooooooooo
if the sex is good maybeeeeee
if the sex is lousy yesssssssss
 GreyNomad43
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 11
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 4:09:11 PM
NO! I couldn't go from friends to lovers
and then back to friends. But because I'm
environmentally friendly and water conscious
I will continue to shower with my friends, the
female ones that is. Hmmm maybe this should
be in that other Post, Water saving Ideas/tips.
Oh well, the environmentally coming out again
I'm conserving energy.
 Kissthisfrog !
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 12
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 4:17:13 PM
I might agree with the previous poster re sex ha ha^^^ I mean poster 10 (sorry greynomad) ha ha..., but..., in the past when this happened to myself and a very good friend..., the ending was not good..., I miss the quality of that friendship and it takes sooo very long to get back to being friends again..., and its NEVER quite the same.

I believe I have stayed good friends with all my Ex's but can not say the same for the once that a good female friend and I became lovers..., and then when it did not work out it was not possible to regain that previous level of friendship again.

I would never do that again.
Before you go into this situation you need to question both your motives and what you want from it.
 ~Pedro Sanchez~
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 13
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 4:23:19 PM
Umm Hilly, is this about your beatlemaniac friend?

I have not been in this situation (yet....I say "yet" because I am not close-minded about the possibility). Although I do not see how this should be an issue, I have never had a clause in my friendships to drop dead short of transitioning to the next level if there be a possibility of sex. This, I mean to take as sex between friends who may be attracted towards each other, not just a relieving outlet. But then even if it be the other case, who am I to judge especially between two consenting adults who are unpartnered. I see no wrong in that.

Yes in response to your question. Friends can transition to lovers, then back to friendship again.....for as long as they are both single!

What is absolutely and morally wrong is sex between two friends who happen to be both men [eeeeww]. Women its ok.

PS. Can I watch? [hehehe.....I got my plate armor, chastity jocks, flame-proof suit on]...I kid, I kid.
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:03:21 PM
Well as Michael Bolton said "how can we be lovers, if we can't be friends" .....
 ikat
Joined: 10/8/2008
Msg: 15
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:28:37 PM
Yes! Of course you can. As long as your friendship is solid (not sure if would work if you were FWB).

My best friend and I met, were friends, had a short ill fated romance and now have been friends again for years! He's my best friend and I don't think the romance made any difference, except we realised we were not suited romantically!
 Sabazella
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 16
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 6:43:09 PM
Absolutely!

I have several freinds who are ex lovers, we know each other well and communicate great.

I have even become good mates with both of their current partners, mainly because they are great chicks who arent insecure about themselves.
 *PookieDoesPerth*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 17
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 10:04:37 PM
Mm I do think they can

However

Im also of the belief that one party will always want to be more than just friends but settles for the "friends" tag because they' d rather be friends than nothing..reckon a lot of yearning/lusting goes on, just contained ...
 ikat
Joined: 10/8/2008
Msg: 18
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 11:12:35 PM
mmmmm not in my case! No secret lusting from either of us!
 still dreaming59
Joined: 9/24/2008
Msg: 19
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/5/2008 11:21:46 PM
One of my closest and dearest lady friends and i are still the greatest of mates (and the last time we did the deed was about 5yrs ago) we still talk at least once a week in fact she stayed over for a few nights only a couple of weeks ago.
Life or circumstances often change even the best laid plans, and i feel it's kind of a shame that people often throw away perhaps potentially lifetime friendships because they feel they have been used, even when i all starts out with the best of intentions.
 Shell225
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/6/2008 12:12:02 AM
I honestly believe it depends on the people involved. It will inevitably depend on the reason they stop being lovers aswell.

If they end due to infidelity, then I think that for everyone but the most forgiving soul it would be over. Not only would it that be a betrayal of trust, but the friendship also.

Having said all that, yes I've managed to do it. I have a mate, who I've known for a few years and we've sucessfully shifted from mates, to FWBs, to a shortlived relationship, and then back to mates again. I must be honest that there has been a time when I wasn't sure that we could mend things, but maturity and friendship won out in the end.

I adore my mate, and in the end I just love to hang out with him, and because we are mates, I hope that he will one day meet that special someone who will be the light of his life.
 dj181
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 21
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:52:05 AM
i think it would be very difficult...unless you had a very strong friendship that could stand up to whatever came after the whole sexual relationship thing........or possibly if you were only "passing acquaintances" then it might be ok.......as there wouldnt be that really strong friendship bond that could possibly become very strained after something like a sexual relationship as usually that sort of relationship can stir up stronger feelings than just friendship........but as a few people have said in here......it is really dependent on the people involved, and what they think of the idea
 4rum
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/6/2008 2:09:33 AM
When couples break up I don't know why they'd want to stay friends. Are they trying to be 'nice', trying to let you down easier? I believe a clean break is the only respectful thing we can do for one another. Give one another the chance to get over feelings without being confused or being hopeful of a reconciliation.

I married my best friend and we destroyed the friendship we'd had for years. It's taken 5 years to get to the point where we care for one another again. I wish him all the best and hope he doesn't screw the relationship he's in now and often give him a talking to (at the request of his girlfriend), to behave, because he won't listen to anyone else. But, because of our past, he will never be my best friend again.

I can't speak for anyone else but for me, the answer is no.
 lormel
Joined: 10/6/2008
Msg: 23
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:25:08 AM
Great post Hilly
In answer to your question, in my experience, yes you can.

My ex and I have always shared a genuine friendship which trandscends the physical.
We should never have taken that extra step and became lovers because when we did, things changed drastically. We were great mates for about a year, but then 'chemistry' overtook us and we attempted the intimacy thing. We lasted on and off for 6 years in a weird sort of relationship.

When the 'relationship' disintegrated, we continued to share common interests (in a limited capacity)ie dancing, motorbiking, committee positions even though we both had other partners.

I believe it is possible to encounter that rare, special, unconditional friendship some call the soulmate experience, and if its real it CAN endure the phases of friendship - intimacy - friendship.
 Faux Pa
Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 24
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:49:32 AM
Yes, I think it can be done.
I have a friend from over twenty years ago. She was first a client which moved on to include friendship, then lover and shortly after, back to friends. In fact the original friendship wasn't a very long standing one when we moved to being lovers . . and the lovers period was fairly short also. I expect that given this was a 'no fault' situation, the move back to friends was possible.
Now that I think about it, I reckon we both take a bit of pride in the achievement of that transition. BUT . . . the move back to friendship doesn't ensure going back to the exact same friendship as before and that's part of the whole deal too. Since then, I think our friendship has grown and improved too.

But I wanted to comment on Pookies point:

Im also of the belief that one party will always want to be more than just friends but settles for the "friends" tag because they' d rather be friends than nothing..reckon a lot of yearning/lusting goes on, just contained ...

Yeah, I think there's something in that. But I reckon if you see some value in the friendship you have to contain any yearning/lusting. This means you have to consciously respect the new situation and not allow any flirting or sexual innuendo that would be construed as inappropriate for the new situation. That makes it a lot easier, methinks.

I'd much prefer to retain the friendship than throw everything away. And maybe there's a point in there too . . as in . . if you can't salvage the friendship part, then maybe it wasn't a very good friendship in the first place? Maybe it got damaged by one or the other in the process and really can't be salvaged. Anyway, you often hear of people saying they are friends with their ex, so I'd think it's not all that uncommon.


Should you sleep with your mates?

I think that's a much harder question and I've no personal experience. To me it suggests a bygone era of hippies and free love. I guess you could still do it, but it's not likely to work long term . . wouldn't for me, anyway. I think a relationship like that would eventually need to move forward for one person or the other, but all other things being equal, you should be able to retain the friendship afterwards.
I guess a lot of this is tied up with ones outlook.
 lormel
Joined: 10/6/2008
Msg: 25
Can you go from friends to lovers and then back to friends??
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:17:15 PM
Well put Faux Pas.
I can see why you have all those lovely accolades.
I too prefer to remain great friends with my ex rather than the alternative. I accept him for the fun loving caring guy he is.
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