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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:27:28 AM | Hi Everybody,
I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. We have been long distance for one year. I just proposed to her a month ago and we are happily engaged. However, a few days ago, she told me that to pay for school, she had been a prostitute (worked for an out-call agency) for a year. It totally devastated me inside, but I know it was even more painful time for her.
She only did it because there was no other way to pay for school and living expenses (she comes from an unbelievably poor background), and it's hurt her for so long. She did it a few years ago, and she's cried herself to sleep for so many nights. When she told me, I was 100% supportive. I told her I wouldn't our love wouldn't change, and that I wouldn't see her any different. Truthfully, she is so good to me and I can't be with anyone else. I am also good to her, this is something nobody else in the world knows about, and she thought that this is something that she would take to the grave with her. But, she felt everyday that I didn't know that she was betraying me, and had to tell me. Well actually, I just could sense that something was bothering her, and it took me hours to get it out of her.
In any case, when she first told me, she said that I probably wouldn't love her anymore and wouldn't want to be with her anymore. I knocked down all of those arguments, but I did let her know how much it hurts me that she's been with so many guys now. I know it's some jealousy, and I know it's all in the past, but it still eats at me. I am getting much better, the first day I was totally shaking and had to call in for some emergency counseling to get myself calmed down. The first time in my life I have done that.
So, is this basically just a case of me needing to get past her sexual history? She knows that it hurts for me, and I've cried many times with her, but I keep telling her that I won't stop loving her. How can I make the pain go away, so that I can be a better man for her, to support her for all the pain she had to endure to make it to where she is today?
Thank you for your help. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:35:22 AM | Aside from being an escort, didn't you realize she'd been with other men before you? So, now you know it was a lot more men than you originally thought. Basically, it doesn't matter if it's one or one hundred, it's in her past. If you love her as you say you do, you will accept her love for you NOW and be happy with her.
If you can't do that, maybe you should schedule another therapy/counseling session for some help getting over this. I don't think any of us can tell you HOW to do it, just that you need to do it.
Good Luck,
Krys | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:36:33 AM | I don't know, there are many more jobs than hooking when one needs money, so the question to me would be is she going to do something like that whenever times are hard because she doesn't see any other way to make money? Is there a difference between (for you) her having sex with lots of guys for money or the lots of guys she did or might have had sex with for fun? Is there a difference between getting paid to dress sexy and get drunks to over tip you and going out on a paid date with them? I mean this will be a deal breaker for some and not for others, how's it working for you? Do you trust her to never do it again?
If it's going to bother you then you may not be right for each other, because she's already done it, she can't change that and it's certainly not healthy for her or the relationship if she's going to feel like crap about it for the rest of her life, letting it eat at her. I mean you can only let your past eat at you for so long before you have allowed it to take over your life, it's probably time to toss the baggage and leave it in the past. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:56:30 AM | | Im inclined to agree with the others. There are better choices when you're down on your luck than prostitution. Even phone sex operator is more acceptable. If it bothers you that much, then you probably shouldn't be dating her. If you're big enough to overlook it then more power to you. Noble as it is of her to confess this to you, she probably should have kept her mouth shut about it. I can only imagine the number of women on these dating sites who've been in that line of work and are looking for a second chance. I get the feeling, I've met a few. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:10:55 AM | while nobody is forced into it, maybe i can add a little bit more to her background. she grew up in a rural part of an extremely poor country, barely having enough to eat and clothes to wear throughout her childhood. her parents were uneducated, so it was a miracle that she even made it out to another country for college. she had to pay her own way, but could not work on a student visa. for her it is one of her greatest regrets to do this job, yet at the same time, she saw no other way to be able to pay for all of her living expenses and school fees and struggle to make it to graduation and a new life, or face going back to life as a poor country farmer. am i wrong for looking at it this way...is it any better that she hurt herself to make herself better in the long run?
as for me, there is nobody better than her, but i can't lie in saying that it hurts so much. she knows this too. i am so lost right now | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:23:42 AM | I think this is going to be one of these things that only you can answer. You seem to be working so very hard to defend her, I think you want to find a way around this. Prostitution is viewed differently in different places. In some places, such as the Philippines, it's viewed just a step below other jobs, so it might not have been that big a deal where she grew up, and it's bothered her since her arrival here, with our different social mores.
Bottom line. Get yourself some professional counseling. That's what you are going to need sooner or later to deal with this. Might as well get it now. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:34:33 AM | I agree with Spifflog that in some cultures it is acceptable and that would be the only way I would be able to deal with that. In my mind, a college education is not worth your dignity BUT I do realize that life has an entirely different view in a third world country.
Also, do you REALLY believe her justification? I'm not saying you shouldn't because it sounds like she really is open and honest. If she is not a super honest person, if she has lied to you about anything and you caught her, then I would be suspicious of her justification.......
You are in a tough spot but remember you don't have to solve this today or even this week. If you can't get over this in a month or so then you are better off moving on.
Good luck! | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:42:18 AM |
as for me, there is nobody better than her, but i can't lie in saying that it hurts so much. she knows this too. i am so lost right now
Okay.. so look at it this way... She is the person she is now (according to you "there is nobody better than her") because of the life experiences she's had to the point where you met. It isn't just the good or wholesome experiences that shape us in this life. Ironically, it is often some of our worst decisions or the worst circumstances that challenge us to rise from our beginnings. Without having walked a few miles in her shoes, I don't think any of us are in a position to judge what sounds like a life that forced her to sacrifice her body in order to transcend her beginnings.
While I feel little or no empathy for a person who has many other choices and chooses to sell their body, I don't know enough about immigration laws or even refugee status to comment on her particular circumstances. If, as you say, she was unable to work because of her student visa, it would have been far better for her to take some kind of nanny/housekeeping position than to do as she did but here again, a person can only do the best they KNOW how to do at the time.
If nothing else, she is a survivor and she was honest with you about her past. I think you both deserve the happiness you've found and you just need to let time help you get past this bump in the road to your future. If that doesn't work, remember who she is now is because of where she's been and the choices she's made.. both good and bad. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:49:18 AM |
So, is this basically just a case of me needing to get past her sexual history?
Yep!
How can I make the pain go away, so that I can be a better man for her, to support her for all the pain she had to endure to make it to where she is today?
Understanding. This is in the past! LEAVE IT THERE! After all, nothing has changed about the woman you profess to love. She is the exact same woman the day before she told you as she is the day after. Just now you have trusted with one of her deepest/darkests places of her soul. Forgive her, know that she is not that person NOW, and live happily ever after. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:59:22 AM | she loves you and trusted you so much that she told you her deepest darkest secret, knowing full well that she might loose you.
if she had not, you would have never found out. i know it probably hurts ,but its in the past , like you said quite a few years ago.
so if you love her get over it. if you stay with her never ever bring it up again , not even in the hottes argument that you have. | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 12:11:30 PM | Yea...I know a few girls that have done this that I have met here in Florida. The ones I became friends with usually came from Russia or Hungary. One of the girls use to call me because she would fly out to Texas to do a job. They usually come out of this with major issues. She just accused me of ****ing her ex. Which I didn't. I've been at parties where my guy friends would tell me about some of these girls. When there is a lot of money around, there usually will be a few of these girls. One time I was at a party and someone I met at the strip club and have seen at parties was with a new guy she was dating so it seem. I didn't really know her. She was American. But, her boyfriend said she was in textiles. It seem like it would be an issue for both parties.
However, this was aa few years ago. Don't be surprised if one of these days you run into one of her past clients. I never had kids or been that bad off where I would choose to do something like that personally. I know too many people and too many people know my family so I'd be dead. Otherwise, it's easy money and given that she was young and in a new environment and by herself, those decisions were made. Well, hey...at least she was smart enough to get an education out of it.
I've thought about the excitement of doing something like that. However, I'd have to have starving children at home, or something of a last resort for my kids. Since I don't have any or have any threats of a pimp pushing me into doing something like that...doubt I'd end up doing something like that.
You just got to forget about it or move on. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 12:36:44 PM | OP: The question is are you upset that she bedded many men, was a prostitute or that she is not this "perfect" woman you idolize/love?
I'm surprised she waited over a year, and after you were engaged to tell you all this. This would probably make me more upset than the fact that she was a prostitute in her past.
I honestly don't know what to advice you on overcoming this pain. You either start with a clean slate or this will consume you.
All the best,
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 12:58:36 PM | I would suggest that she get counciling and you both get couples counciling. Now that the secret is out you have to deal with the "what if you ever run into an old client" scenario.
But to be honest with you the fact that you are 'engaged' but joined a dating site couple of day ago and now post a question so life changing does reek of troll. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:04:38 PM | | Her sexual history? A hard call there, as you know her a helluva lot better than any of us will ever know. It sounds as if the two of you are in tune with each other's feelings. I have nothing but respect for people that are completely honest about themselves. Even more so, when they face the possibility of losing a great deal in the process. What she did to enable herself to advance her education is something she has to live with the rest of her life. You have to decide if the knowledge of what she did, outweighs your love and desire to be with her. As I get older, I have grown to be less concerned with yesterdays and more about right now. I remember in my "younger" years, that I made some questionable calls in the intimacy department. Although they didn't involve legal tender, the acts seemed to involve little or no emotional attachment. Do these numerous encounters make me a pariah in society's eyes, who knows? I am not proud of these trysts, but I sleep well at night. Call girls, strippers, entertainers, etc., have souls and feelings. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Is it worth all the hassle? Only you can make that decision. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:04:49 PM | nope not a troll. i actually was looking online for threads that dealt with situations like this, and for some reason this site had a whole lot of them (such as http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts6897009.aspx) So I thought it would be a goo d place to get some more opinions.
Per everyone's advice, I will go into counseling, my workplace provides a service that is very convenient. Also, I am not afraid of the old client scenario as we will be living together in a third country. But thank you all for the help so far. I very much want to stay with her, and she has never lied to me in the past, and has been nothing but the best to me. So the advice that I should really recognize her for what she is today and how she has been since she has been with me is most important. Everybody has a past (well, I actually don't so much, i'm kind of a boring guy i guess), and the issue is that outside of this one thing, she is the best lady for me. If only I could get over these feelings. I know it will take some time.
Please feel free to say whatever it is on your mind, even if it is not encouraging. It makes me feel better to have my concerns out in the open and for others to chime in. Thank you. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:17:23 PM |
Another side to this story I don't think anyone mentioned is the experience factor. Having been with and had to please a larger than average amout of guys and doing what it took to please them in all those ways she may be very good at pleasing you sexually.
I realize you're trying to give the OP some positives but... does quantity equal quality??? I don't think so... It's how people make one another feel about themselves both in and out of the bedroom that makes them good lovers...
If anything, she may be somewhat traumatized by what she has been through and certainly doesn't need to have it become some kind of tool for the OP to use to make any demands on her or to have his own sexual needs met (not that I think he would). That would only be yet another violation for her. From the sounds of it, she's had enough of that.
I'm heartened to hear OP that you are considering getting some counselling. I hope that she will also because it sounds as though she may have a few things to mourn the loss of... I think it's a tragedy that any young woman should feel that she needs to sell her body to get her education and I don't doubt for one minute that this has affected her in some serious ways. Good on you OP!!!  | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:02:15 PM |
So, is this basically just a case of me needing to get past her sexual history? She knows that it hurts for me, and I've cried many times with her, but I keep telling her that I won't stop loving her. How can I make the pain go away, so that I can be a better man for her, to support her for all the pain she had to endure to make it to where she is today?
OP -- I'll be one of the first few to admit that you're trying to be a bigger man than I'd ever attempt to be. Some things will always be deal breakers to me in a relationship (outside of friends), and this one is no exception.
I appreciate that we all come from different backgrounds, and some of us have had way more sex than the other...and likely have had multiple partners, it's just common sense. But if those multiple partners were "pay as you go", then all bets are off as far as I'm concerned. Soon as I found out that you received money for sex, I'm a memory. I wouldn't even wanna hear the reasons behind it, because to me, there's never any justification for it. There's a million and one jobs out there for those who look, and women that sell themselves are just used to fast money, in large quantities. Far as I'm concerned, you sold your dignity and self respect, and if you didn't respect yourself enough then, how could I seriously respect you now?
I'll bow to you in front of everyone here, by telling you that you have more faith than I do, to even be willing to try and overlook that scenario. I know for a fact that I never could, or would.
Cheers.  | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:26:36 PM | Soon as I found out that you received money for sex, I'm a memory. I wouldn't even wanna hear the reasons behind it, because to me, there's never any justification for it. There's a million and one jobs out there for those who look, and women that sell themselves are just used to fast money, in large quantities. Far as I'm concerned, you sold your dignity and self respect, and if you didn't respect yourself enough then, how could I seriously respect you now?
I respect your point of view BDJ as I would have some problems with that myself. But I have to say that I know one helluva lot of people who are in relationships for the sake of the money and financial niceties of having 2 incomes (or worse, one person being able to live off the other one's income). There isn't one ounce of love between them anywhere but they still have sexual encounters and many of those are purely manipulative servicing or simply getting their physical needs met. These days, I'm sad to say, that it isn't just woman but men are also romancing someone they don't love for the sake of being able to be "kept".
Here again, the difference is quantity but if the measure of prostitution is sex for money, I'd say there's a lot more people guilty of it than the visible escorts and prostitutes. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:46:20 PM | well I can say this, she's been to hell and back. She's seen the worst in men, as well as herself, and has never been truly happy until she met me. Someone I confided in said that she will love me like no other woman really can, having seen so much. I suppose I can look at it from that point of view. She so dearly appreciates what I have done for her so far and will continue to do so (which is a lot, her childhood was very hard, and I've helped her to get past so many emotional issues from then).
The morality of prostitution is not an issue for me, I see no reason why it shouldn't be legalized and regulated to make it safer for everyone, but that's a political and moral debate that I don't want to get into in this thread. However, when it's your own lover who has done it, it's always different story. Ahh such hypocrisy by me. Humans are imperfect animals, I think also by accepting her, I really need to accept the fact that we all have imperfections, and live the best life I can with the woman I love.
I appreciate all of your views, I'm not taking them wholesale, but it is helping me to really get a hold on what is important to me. Thank you. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:51:24 PM | | Honestly, I can't see your relatinship being anything but long DISTANT. Until you get over her past, I guarantee your relationship won't progress. Perhaps you need to get professional help to learn how to cope with it. Bottom line - she can't undo the past. It is what it is. Deal with it, get over it, or move on. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:56:20 PM | more thoughts in my heart starting to solidfy... if she had cheated, or i had found out about this another way, it would automatically be over. i couldn't look at anyone that had knowingly betrayed my trust. but, she has never done wrong by me, and that seems much more important than what happened when she was a different person and didn't know me. and telling me something, that she never thought she would tell anyone in her lifetime, that does show a level of trust that i have never known with anyone else. she risked everything that we had together, because she didn't want to keep anything from me. yeah it wasn't until after i proposed, and i did wonder about that. but something like this, how do you find the right time to bring it up? and she told me knowing that being long distance right now, all i have to do to break it off is to stop answering the phone. she is a strong woman, and that's why i love her, but i think right now i have to be the stronger one for a little while.
does all of this sound legitimate? anyway this site is great. though i'm probably not using the forums for their intended purpose, i'll be sure to send on over a few of my buddys who are single to sign up on this site. | |
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