| | Joint primary care takersPage 1 of 1 | I would be interested in knowing if you think it is a good idea to have both parents be primary care takers and equal parents? What are your views, likes and dislikes?
What can a father do if his ex will not talk to him but instead puts the kids in the middle ? | |
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| Joint primary care takers
Posted: 11/6/2008 4:46:56 PM | | First evaluate just how much it bothers you that the ex won't talk to you. If there's no problem in the parenting plan as of now, then it might look like you're using the kids to effect the situation between you and the ex. | |
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| Joint primary care takers
Posted: 11/6/2008 6:22:38 PM | It all depends on the mother and the father...
My example: (abridged)
I do everything for my daughter... everything, not just monetary but caring, love, affection, public places, parks everything...
The mother was a drunk and has my daughter in an environment with family members that do drugs.
Everything was going fine with the divorce until she was informed by my lawyer I was fighting for custody and my demands were that she get court appointed medical / drug abuse treatment. Since that point, my daughter was kidnapped, hidden, taken out of her daily routine. Now the court is involved my daughter surely comes in the middle of everything. I shield her but mommy tells her things and uses her as a pawn.
CHILDREN are not a pawn, they are not a stepping stone, they are not a bank machine. They are the most wonderful thing anyone can bring into this world and be cherished and grown into a great human being.
To your question "What can a father do if his ex will not talk to him but instead puts the kids in the middle?"
Simple Answer: Nothing for the ex
Complicated Answer:
1. Seek professional counseling
a. Learn to be happy with yourself, where you have been, what you are doing
b. Learn to respond to the ex without emotion
2. When the child or children are in the environment, suck it up, smile, get out with the children
a. When away discuss things with your children. Let them know the it is not because of them but jsut because of differences.
b. Answer their tough questions but never point the blame and ensure them of your love
c. Be the best you can be with your time with the children. They deserve that with no drama.
d. Get professional counselling for the children if anything is in their life that shouldn't be.
e. See c again and again and again
Intelligent people can move on with their life. There's no reason to hold grudges and waste your physical and mental emotion on those that don't seek self help. Yes a man and woman can be seperated and jointly raise a child. They need to disregard things of worry about the other and just worry about the child. A lot of people do it.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. Sometimes there are nuts, fruits, and jellybeans. Maybe sometime people can stop using children as a foothold on another's life and affecting the children.
My .0001 after taxes | |
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| Joint primary care takers
Posted: 11/7/2008 1:01:29 AM | You can't effectively joint parent if your ex won't talk to you.
My ex and I share custody about 60/40, with me having our child about 60% of the time. It has increased from around 30/7o since she became a teenager and I took on full-time employment again.
We have always worked out our own custody arrangements because we communicate. There have been times when it's been extremely difficult, but we've overcome our own problems and put our child first. She has never seen us fight, although she has been around when it's been a bit frosty. But I've always explained that even happily married couples don't always get on. And she's seen us move on from our disagreements.
You have to open the lines of communication with your ex. It's imperative for your child's wellbeing. Try and persuade her this isn't about you or her - it's about a child you both love dearly. Good luck. I hope it works out for all of you. | |
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| Joint primary care takers
Posted: 11/7/2008 8:01:11 AM | My ex and I have shared joint custody for 17 years. For him it seemed to be more of a control issue cuz they have remained in my physical custody probably about 70% of the time. He tried to get the custody agreement to include mediation for things we couldn't agree on. We finally agreed that whomever the kids were with at the time would make whatever decision ultimately but we would discuss things prior to and not just do something and let the other know later. Of course, this excluded piddly crap like hair cuts.
As you can see, it does require communication. Initially, we didn't do well communicating with one another and we made alotta the same mistakes many divorced parents do (including putting the kids in the middle). Fortunately we learned pretty quickly and the kids didn't suffer too much.
My oldest daughter's dad disappeared for alotta years and she doesn't have a good relationship with him. Altho I resented the lack of support, it was easier to not have to consult or deal with a parent due to absence. But I'm glad my younger daughters have had a different experience and it included a dad who cares and has been very involved in their lives. It has been worth the effort we both have made and in the end we're practically like old friends now. | |
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| Joint primary care takers
Posted: 11/8/2008 10:11:53 AM | My ex and I have an awesome joint parenting arrangement. It starts with trust though ... I trust that she is a good parent and she trusts that I'm a good parent. We may be terrible spouses but that doesn't matter ... LOL. Once you trust then everything else falls into place. You will provide the neccessary information for her parenting situation and she will provide you with the same.
The other main point here is that even though I don't agree with many of the things she does as a parent I still believe that she is a good parent. I also think that she has the same attitude about me. We're different and we parent different and its not up to the other parent to judge just to support. We also don't commit each others time and we don't ask the other parent to continue punishment or sour their relationship with the kids because of something that stems from our time.
In the end trust and communication are the foundations of a joint split custody arrangement. | |
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| Joint primary care takers
Posted: 11/8/2008 10:18:49 AM | I think more courts are leaning toward joint custody but only in situations that are workable like living close to each other and when logistics are more difficult, this only works when the parents are both willing to make it work.
I would suggest trying to write her a letter that you would like to get past your differences so that your children do not continue to be affected by the failed relationship. If she doesn't respond, there really isn't anything you can do.
Outside that, you have the courts to either enforce or establish custody and visitation. | |
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