| | Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I've had a couple of people ask me why I've "settled" for the man I'm currently seeing. I don't feel that I've settled at all - we have a good time together. We're not in love with each other, but does that mean we should throw ourselves back out into the dating pool? Just because we aren't each other's The One?
There are many people on this site who are either divorced, separated or otherwise coming out of a complicated relationship. Is it wrong to look for a nice person to go out and do stuff with without expecting true love? I don't think a person should go from one heavy relationship right into another - when do they get time to breathe?
And to those who say that I'm making myself look unavailable to my "One" by going out with the fellow I'm seeing now: unless my "One" has been living in my laundry room all this time, he hasn't been around to see me - single or otherwise.
I'm having a good time, and my friend and I aren't hurting anyone. What's the problem? | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:06:26 AM | well, whatever the problem is, clearly it is THEIR problem and not yours.
so who cares what a bunch of buttinskys think?? tell them to go backseat drive somebody else's relationship.
enjoy.
 | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:11:12 AM | | The problem belongs to those that narrow their minds to one definition of love. To some , love has more to do with comfort than passion. Let them eat cake. You and your friend do what feels right for the two of you. Who knows, maybe someday you will find something more there than friendship. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:21:12 AM | most people never find the "one" anyways. What you chose seems much more comfortable to me, safer, saner, peaceful.
It supposedly takes 2 full years to properly digest a failed long term relationship, so taking that breathing time is a good idea.
The only hurt that might develop is when either one of you decides one day that you would like all those butterflies with that anxiety after all and become dissatisfied with this relationship, then you would hurt each other, but not, it does not hurt any one else. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:24:50 AM |
I'm having a good time, and my friend and I aren't hurting anyone. What's the problem?
You and your friend have made a choice, you're both good with it (I am assuming here ~winch~), there IS no problem with the situation. The only problem is someone wanting to change what's working for ya....
Just say "nope". | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:27:11 AM | Well, I guess it all depends on strictly what you want or what you are looking for. If your goal at 38 is to marry one day, then to be seeing someone that is not right for you or does not have the same goal would be silly. You may miss out on a great match while you simply kill time with the wrong one.
If you are strictly looking for an activities partner, or someone that you can ask to attend functions with you or see a movie on occasion then what's wrong with just dating. If it fulfilling to you that's all that matters. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:34:23 AM |
If your goal at 38 is to marry one day
Nope - been there, done that, have the kids. But many people (here and IRL) seem to think I should be hitching my wagon to someone else's star.
Sure, it'd be nice to set up a new family unit. But when you think about the compromise and work that involves, it's not worth doing unless you're deeply in love - and I've never been that deeply in love (except with my kids).
I'm just surprised by how many people in these forums say they're holding out for The One. Do people really think they'll meet their "One" on-line? I suppose it could happen, but it has about as much chance of happening when you go to the grocery store or out for a coffee. I think people should enjoy the present more, and worry about perfection less. | |
|
Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 8 | |
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:43:21 AM | "Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?"
Expecting to find love or just having a FWB?
OP many call what you are doing a friend with benefits.
It is none of anyone's business what other do (regarding relationships).
--------------
Since I have never had a fwb relationship ... it would seem to strange for me. I would always think "she" was really hoping for more.
On my side - I simply WOULD NEVER hang around a female as a friend (benefits or not) that I wanted us to be more. And ......
Since I am just not interested in casual sex (that could change some day I guess) I don't think I would ever have a female buddy that we hung out together. In my thinking that would ALWAYS included (end up including) sex.
I want a REAL girlfriend or nothing. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:53:34 AM | I found ‘the one’. And I let her slip through my fingers twenty years ago. I spent ten years looking for another ‘one’ but never found her. I spent the last ten years on my career.
I would like to find a woman to fall in love with but in the meantime is it good enough to be with someone you know you will not spend your last days with? I know a woman that I would like to spend some time with but doubt things would progress to the point of living together. I am sure we can do some good for each other as you tend to learn from any relationship.
So what do you do? Give yourself a time limit together ignoring other women and then move on, or see her with an eye out for someone that you would want to live with? Or spend your time waiting for the right one to come along? | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 9:00:03 AM |
So what do you do?
We have an agreement - we're exclusive, but if life throws something marvellous at either of us, we're free to pursue that (though probably not free to return if that marvellous thing doesn't work out).
In the meantime, we go out - spend time in the country, go to dinner, fool around, laugh, talk and generally relax. For me it's better than sitting home waiting for a One that I don't really believe exists (that's just me, though).
As for spending my last days with someone, today could be our last day - we never know. At least I'd die knowing that someone besides my kids would miss me. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 9:10:53 AM | | I have just realized that I'm not yet ready for a relationship. I was divorced three years ago, but did some traveling and am now settling down into my own routine. I met someone who took me by surprise when I was in Costa Rica. He sure felt like the "one," but it doesn't look like it's meant to be. At this point, I'm pretty confused about whether he really is or not. I think I need to date and get out and not try to force anything right now. We are all different people with different experiences and that's what makes the world go 'round. Bon chance, OP. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 9:12:18 AM | OP-
What you choose to do is YOUR business and no one elses. We all have to make decisions in our lives, and whom we share our company is just one of them. I use to worry about what other's thought and even sought the opinions of my closest friends about the man I date now. Some think he's a good guy, other's think I could do much better but the bottom line is how I FEEL. The same would apply to you in this matter.
If the person you share your time with makes you happy and you are content with the relationship you have with this person than good for you. I decided some time ago to stop looking for 'Mr. Right' and simply enjoy the people I have in my life now and I'm much happier for it.
MM | |
|
| |
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 10:53:10 AM | I wouldn't date anyone exclusively if they didn't have "the one" potential. That's just me. There is nothing wrong with dating several people non-exclusively while you are looking for the one. If you really want "the one", not dating other people is not going to help you find him. I'm talking about casual dating, no sexual involvement.
If you feel ok with it, then I don't see any problem. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 11:11:24 AM | Life is short... live it while you can. If you have someone you enjoy being around then be around that person. You will be better off than most of the people on this site. Some wise person once said "life is a journey not a destonation" have fun while you can. | |
|
| |
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/11/2008 2:22:38 PM | Well Faith, this one really has me scratching my head in wonder. Why in the world would you n want to go out with someone you like, have a good time with??? Why is this settling? I'm not even sure what that means, nor am I sure what means to be the other's “One”. Does this imply that there is only one person in the world who is your predestined mate?
It sounds like some of your friends don't know what relationships are all about or how they actually work. No one out there will be “perfect” for you. Marriage or any long term relationship, is really about choosing to live your life with someone who is in essence good enough. People seem to be waiting around to “fall in love”, something that just mysteriously happens and is unexplainable, a bolt of lightning. Sure people fall in love, it's often a giddy silly obsessive state, can't get him out of my mind, can't keep our hands off each other. It can feel wonderful if the object of your desire is constantly available or feel just awful if anything comes between you two or seems to. It's Some Enchanted Evening or Romeo and Juliet, but remember what happened to them. It's a temporary state and actually a poor basis for a long term relationship.
Loving someone is quite different. It's a choice. It's how you think of someone and how you treat them. It's not a feeling, although to be sure very strong feeling become involved. It's a behavior. The way you get loved is to give love.
Sounds to me like you are doing exactly the right sort of thing. Find someone you like and spend time with them and see where it leads. Perhaps it goes no further that friendship and company but actually a lot of successful long term relationships start out just that way. I think your friends are just a bit jealous. | |
|
| |
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/13/2008 4:19:28 AM | "I'm having a good time, and my friend and I aren't hurting anyone. What's the problem? "
The Problem
Cool comfort.
In the zone we confront
Each other nonce.
We eat and we chat
We hold the door mat
Down to the ground.
We talk and ride horses
We sing with hoarse voices,
And lie very still in the night.
We enjoy the mundane
We walk our great Dane
We like being stuck in the mud.
We allow our silence
To be our guidance.
In the quiet we see we’re two.
Hey! We were not once a one,
You’ve never been my One!
Never down, yet never we’ve won.
The fireplace is tepid
Warmth we had, but we were timid,
And never stoked the fire to its limit.
We cannot change this now.
If only we had children! Creating our burden
And joy, from fiery love and savage pleasure,
Leapfrogging our genes to new men and women,
Then we would act less proud
And our fears would be less taut
Paving our way to an easier out.
When a man’s lost his clout
And his wife treats his gout,
And she’s frail; yet she is to him
What fire is to sin, and yang is to yin,
Then they can worship the world, and only then,
In its full breadth: without and within. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/13/2008 4:31:51 AM | Check to see how full your cup is then decide. If your cup is already full then there's no room for the "One". Partially full then you could spend time with someone else and find out if they are the "One".
Try spending some of that going out and having a good time with girlfriends. That way if you should run into the "One" while you're out then he will know that you are available... otherwise he won't. Especially if he sees you're with someone else.
There's nothing wrong with going out and having a good time with a male friend once in a while, but make sure he sees things as just friendship too.
Something to ask yourself... Are you afraid if you cut back on the time spent with him he may find someone else to share that time with?
Good Luck! | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/13/2008 5:28:53 AM | I'd say the problem is theirs and not yours, as long as you and your guy are straight about where you stand. If that's indeed the case, I gotta give you props for being exceptionally emotionally healthy, and not having to put on a show to justify your relationship.
Enjoy!  | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/13/2008 5:43:04 AM | Are you afraid if you cut back on the time spent with him he may find someone else to share that time with?
Not really. First of all, we don't get to spend all that much time together as it is. Second, he either will or he won't - there isn't much I can do to control that either way. One of us will likely get tired of our status and look for something more, eventually - but until then I'm enjoying our time together. | |
|
| |
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/13/2008 7:01:13 AM | I don’t know your entire situation; however from what you wrote, I get the impression you don’t want to be alone. Sure there is nothing wrong with having fun with someone you enjoy—I personally wonder why anyone would stay with someone they are not in-love with and can only assume it’s because they do not want to be alone.
Dating is extremely difficult and finding that ‘one’ is what love is all about—that’s why we keep looking…
I personally would rather not be with anyone than settle for anyone I do not love. It’s not fair to me or the person I am settling for.
And yes, it is settling. | |
|
| Expecting to find love or just enjoying yourself?
Posted: 11/13/2008 7:09:16 AM | Sounds like you have never been in love...
I actually believe finding the one has a better chance of happening IRL vs. online, although I have a friend that is currently married to a man she met online.
Finding a loving relationship has nothing to do with perfection—love is not perfect. | |
|
Home
login 
