| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:08:03 PM | I met a guy on here. Things went really fast really quickly. He fell in love with me.
I was up front about some feelings I had for my ex (who I am still friends with) from the start. New guy & I had some issues on that one. (totally understandable)
I just felt that he was continually pressuring me so we had a few fights regarding the ex. Things stopped being fun. We fell into a rut where we were both strapped for cash, didn't go out much. would stay home & well....we were spending way too much time together (5-6 days a week) so....we agreed to spend less time together & get back in touch with our old lives.
well....we went 1 week without seeing each other & all of a sudden, he stopped calling, stopped chatting with me on msn, stopped texting me. & then dumped me today. Saying he's had time to think & he sees us falling into the same rut as all his other relationships. He doesn't want that & figures that it would be easier to end things now than later.
I personally think that if you can identify the problem...you can fix it. He's unwilling to. (or so he says) saying his mind is made up & there's no going back but that we can still be friends & he still loves me but that we just can't be that way anymore.
Thing is....I didn't know how much I actually cared for him until it was too late.
Is there any possibility of salvaging this?
He & I are from 2 different worlds. (he's a heavy metal musician, I'm the sorority girl)
which is what I want. I want different. I've dated the jocks, the frat guys, I want different & was very happy when I found him. So how do I get him back?
how do I get him to work on things with me? or do I just have to accept the fact that it's over & try to forget about him. (I haven't felt this way about a guy in over 4 yrs)
help! | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:20:25 PM | I really want to give you a great answer to your question, but find it difficult when I still love my husband who has moved on in less time than I thought possible.
Been seperated and was dealing O.K. with it until I decided I had to tell him how I truly felt, and then he took all my love, used me for the weekend, and sent me away, with all the negative things he thought about me.
I almost think it's better to keep our feelings to ourselves.
And if the love we felt was strong enough, maybe these men we care about will figure out on their own that life was actually great and learn to try to work on issues instead of running away.
The moment I opened myself totally up to him, I think was the biggest mistake I could have made.
It seems the more we chase, the faster they run.
Give him time and some distance.
If he comes back then maybe it was meant to be. | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:21:20 PM | OP, your (or should I say his) issues were over your continued feelings for your ex. How can you expect a guy to compete with that? Hint: you can't!
I think it's why he left and there's no way in heII he will be back unless you're completely over your ex, can prove it to new guy and he believes you. Funny how we don't miss what we have until it's gone, isnt' it?
~ds~ | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:27:10 PM | An ex is just an ex unless they're in the middle of everything. Funny how that happens isn't it?
Why should he bother with you? Why don't you tell us what makes you so special and why he should comeback. Obviously you didn't think too highly of him and you damn sure as hell showed some serious disrespect. IMO, he did the right thing.
Tell us OP.
b) tells me it's too late.
So how can I prove this to him??
Prove what to him? Your actions are when you PROVE yourself. What did your actions tell him when you two were together?
How did I disrespect him Jim? I was totally upfront with him from our 1st meet. I have never lied to him or cheated on him. (haven't touched the ex in years)
& I've just given up a good friend (my ex & I have been friends for 12 yrs) for this guy.
was it all for nothing?
No, you didn't physically cheat on him but your emotions did. I know that I wouldn't want to compete with that. How much did you compare him and the ex? Especially when you two were strapped for cash.
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:28:16 PM | truely ds.
Thing is, In the year I've been here in Vancouver, I really haven't made any friends. It's very hard to find a group /clique that's willing to accept new membership at my age. my ex was one of the few friends I have here. & I told my ex yesterday that we couldn't spend time together anymore due to the New guy. So I've just gotten rid of one of the 3 friends I had here for this guy to make things better. He a) doesn't believe I've actually done this & b) tells me it's too late.
So how can I prove this to him?? | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:28:41 PM | Yep, it's over.
So, what have you learned from this experience?
Is your relationship with your Ex going to prove to be an obstacle
in future potential relationships?
Love is a word that is thrown around too losely these days. Couples
that truly love one another will fight to stay together versus fighting
to where they drift apart. You both agreed to space because you were
crowding one another and now you have the ultimate space.
Good Luck in the future.
Edit: When 1 of 2 parties in a "relationship" says it's over....
stick a fork in it because it's over. Grasping for straws at this
stage will only come across as a desperate act. You need to pick
yourself up off the floor while dusting yourself off and learn from
your mistakes. Otherwise, you are going to be pining away while making
yourself more miserable. Let it go.....for your own sake. | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:30:53 PM | How did I disrespect him Jim? I was totally upfront with him from our 1st meet.
I have never lied to him or cheated on him. (haven't touched the ex in years)
& I've just given up a good friend (my ex & I have been friends for 12 yrs) for this guy.
was it all for nothing? | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:33:57 PM | thanks thunderstorms... but love is not a word I throw around. I haven't said it to someone who wasn't a family member or a very good dear friend in 4 yrs.
& I want to fight to stay together. He doesn't seem to want the same thing. How can he do a 180 in 1 week of being apart? was he the one throwing around the L word & not really meaning it? | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:39:22 PM | & I want to fight to stay together. He doesn't seem to want the same thing.
Here's the thing about about fighting to stay together...you have to still be together.
Fighting to stay together after the R-ship has ended is just a futile exercise that
demoralizes one party while annoying the other.
If you love this man as you say you do....you will let him go. | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:46:03 PM |
If you love this man as you say you do....you will let him go.
Yes but she needs to realize why he left. You still haven't been upfront about what role your ex played in this at all. Ex's don't bother me OP. The person I'm with who constantly compares me to them does though.
Is this what happened? | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:01:42 PM | No. I never compared the 2.
He would get upset if I was going to spend some time with the ex. (who like I said, is only 1 of 3 friends I had here in Vancouver & well 1 of the others just moved to Ottawa so I currently only have 2 friends -the ex being one of them) | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:09:31 PM | No. I never compared the 2.
He would get upset if I was going to spend some time with the ex. (who like I said, is only 1 of 3 friends I had here in Vancouver & well 1 of the others just moved to Ottawa so I currently only have 2 friends -the ex being one of them)
Well then he has issues so good riddance.
As long as you don't compare and there's nothing else happening, I wouldn't have an issue with you seeing your ex. Especially considering your circumstances. He's a control freak and this is his game. You go back to him and I guarantee you that you will be alone and miserable. He's playing you for all your worth.
RUN AWAY | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:11:55 PM |
I was up front about some feelings I had for my ex (who I am still friends with)
sass, what feelings you had for your ex, were you up front about? That you and he were 'just friends', or more? "Feelings" (to me) run a lot deeper than just 'friends'.
And then to top it off, you're going to spend time with the ex who you told your BF you still had feelings for.....see where he might start getting some bad feelings or thoughts about the situation?
~ds~ | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:12:58 PM | OP, you have to get out there and make some new friends.
I'm sure you are kind of feeling pigeon holed in the fact that
you lost this guy and don't have a lot of other friends there. As I
questioned in MSG 6....is the Ex going to be a future issue with
other potential mates? A lot of men don't really want to get involved
in a R-ship where there is some sort of weird dynamic that centers around
an Ex. I think I've answered your post so now I'm out of here. Good Luck
and Happy Fishing! | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:21:53 PM | I kind of agree with the tenor of some of the comments: you can't really make progress when the guy isn't even in the same room or has, in other words, no commitment.
You can't drag him into something to get a dialogue going. You can basically say once or twice clearly as possible that you would like a non-threatening conversation to see if there's any chance you two can work it out. Beyond that, your options are pretty much non-existent.
About the ex: It's true: even a benign relationship with your ex is a threat. My most recent relationship included a woman who was clearly divorced, clearly past her ex, and he was not in any mood for a chummy relationship. Then he began dating someone and, whoops, I could see a distinct cringe, a faltering step, a light bulb of doubt going on over her head. She was clearly not 100 percent past her marriage and even if that wasn't ever possible, it was clearly unfair to me to know this was sitting there. Sure enough, as we broke up, she called in her ex. It was only a symbolic gesture, but it was still there, undeniable.
I'm not saying you need to change your relationship with your ex; it's just helpful if you understand. Unless you have kids and the interactions are unavoidable, there's no way a new relationship will ever feel really great about mention that someone is still friendly with their ex. | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:45:49 PM | | OP, I think you should follow the advice "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was". You will have to leave your more recent ex (YES, he is your ex) alone with no expectation to ever see him again. If you meet him by chance in the future, then maybe something might happen...otherwise, you have to move on. I know it's hard, but that is love & life. | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:49:43 PM | he & I will never happen to run into each other. We run in completely different circles.
like I said before he's a heavy metal musician - I'm definitely not into the metal scene.
& all he does is hang out at his friends places & jam.
so if I just let it be.....its the end.
I just don't understand why if I've given up the friendship with the ex....that he doesn't want to even try to work on our issues together. | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 8:57:44 PM | Are you really that surprised?
I was up front about some feelings I had for my ex
In other words, every time you were together, there was a ghost in the room. Who wants to deal with that? Most people, men and women, don't want to play second fiddle. I sure as hell don't. Nor would you.
Now he's had a chance to think things through on his own and discovered he doesn't either. There's an old saying I've learned to trust. "You can't go home again." Or, "you can't unring a bell."
What's done is done. You got what you needed from him. Time to look at yourself, figure out what you want and move on. You mentioned wanting friends. Well, the best way to do that is to get out there. Work, clubs (not the bar kind but actual activities), volunteering are great ways to meet people and even contribute a little to the community. Who knows where it will take you. But my recommendation is put the dating thing on hold for a while.
Good luck. | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 9:50:42 PM | How to Dump a Guy in 3 Steps:
1) Say you're still in love with your EX and talk about him ALL THE TIME
2) Go friggin' dirt poor broke. Guys love to pay 100% for dates that swoon about their EXs.
3) Tell the guy not to hang around so much --- in fact GET OUTTA MY FACE for a week.
Yeah, that should kill it good and dead.
But look at the good side. You're in Vancouver, and it's growing like Chinese gangbusters. You can wander Robson street on the weekends and get lost in the crowd or see what the happening scene is. And there are lots of homeless guys looking for dates. Take the trolley tour and talk to strangers...better yet, become a tour guide and meet people every day! | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 10:17:37 PM | thanks for the input WackMC but obviously you haven't read the entire thread.
I DID NOT talk about my ex
I never asked him to pay for anything (he's broke too & there's not much I can do about being a starving student)
& I never told him to get outta my face. it was more of a spending 5 -6 days a week together sitting around at home needed to change.
& I've been in Van for over a year. It's extremely cliquer | |
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| is it really over?
Posted: 11/12/2008 10:19:38 PM | | Wow, um yeah, even most guys know enough to never talk about your ex. Women also hate being compared to them too.. would think you'd know that being one yourself. The only feelings you should be talking about are yours for him and thats it. Yes, you were spending way to much time together also but making him feel inferior by mentioning the ex and making him question where your feelings were was not a good idea. Any smart guy will run on sight if the ex is still in the picture because lets face it, if he still is, ur not emotionally available and are just a waste of time and a huge headache. | |
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