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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 1 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 2:44:06 PM | Okay, so here it goes... I meet this girl on here 9 months ago, and we hit it off like fireworks. We hung out all night into the morning hours, and began a habit of doing so every day... Soon began sleeping over each others place on a regular basis (within weeks of meeting) ...doing everything together, and unable to stand a minute away from each other, till we finally got an appt. together 4months in. Now i realize this was all to quick, but it really just felt like the right thing to do.
Soon after living together I notice she has what I believe to be "borderline personality disorder" which soon became increasingly evident in her behavior. She was a cutter, changed jobs frequently, moved every 6months, changed her goals in school before finishing her program 3x, extremely paranoid of me cheating/looking/interested in others etc.. has a mom who basically disowned her, dad who took off while very young, and suffers from abandonment, awful dreams... i dont where to stop....
Okay, so that probably sounds bad but i wanted to be clear on why i believe she may have BPD. Now my problem is really do lover her, but I had to break it off, and I did it in a bad way. Not intentionally, but I just blew up one day after having had enough of being on defensive egg shells.... now I'm in the middle of finding a new place to live, and so is she...
Not really sure what to do now with these mixed feelings, and I wonder if its normal to miss someone who caused so much turmoil in my life. I really thought I'd marry this person, and never thought something could be so difficult, and end so abruptly. | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 2 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:00:49 PM | | After re-reading this I realize i left out all the good things.... there were many good qualities in her and i, but obviously the bad stuff is at the forefront right now. My concern is once the anger subside, I'll begin to miss her.. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:28:52 PM | | Oh wow, I feel for you. It's difficult to deal with someone that has emotional/mental problems. If you are strong enough, then contact her, get her to go to counseling, go with her too, she will need your support. Her illness can be maintained, but not if everyone in her life keeps abandoning her. Is she worth all of this? She may be, it won't be easy, but she may be worth it. Have you talked with her about all of this? If not this might be your first step. Let her talk really talk, no finger pointing, no anger, on your part, let her talk and you listen. Good Luck and keep us posted. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:29:09 PM | | Does she have a doctor that she goes to regularly and is she medicated. If she has mental illness it needs to be treated and unless you are a doctor you cant do it for her. She needs professional help. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:32:59 PM | Wc8, I don't know exactly what your question is, but of cause you will still have feeling for this person. You can not turn your feeling for a person you care about on and off like a water faucet. It will take time. But, let me ask you a question, befor you moved in with her you did not notice this behavior and what is a cutter?
This relationship was too much too fast, did you guys get to know each other? It does not seem like you took time to find out what you were into.
The poor girl sounds like a lost soul, could professional therapy help her out, could you suggested to her?
Some times, you have to work at relationship, is it possible that now that you know, what she is all about maybe you can hang around and help her out. It sound like she has never had anyone to really care about her.
Good luck | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 6 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:33:45 PM | | No medications, and she has trouble talking about with anyone. She has told me more than anyone she insists. One time or another she explained how she felt somewhat bi-polar. She would get extremely mad over what seemed small to me, pack up her stuff and go.... then call me later and we would reconcile together.. and wipe up the tears and go for it again..... | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:36:41 PM | | Do you miss the things she contributed to "your" life, or do you miss feeling necessary to her? Are some of your feelings perhaps unrecognized guilt from having walked away (knowing that she was fragile, had abandonment issues, etc.) If so, then you could probably use some help in dealing with this also........ | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 8 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:46:04 PM | A cutter is someone who cuts themselves (self-mutilation) usually to rid themselves of their pain. Yes I did know this, but I over looked it..thinking it was due to the lost soul mentality due to the pain she had gone through with previous relationships.
Yes, we did move quickly... but i never have clicked like this with anyone, and wanted to learn about her every thought the way we did for each other.. we talked and talked and talked about everything i could think to ask.
We discussed therapy, but with BPD there tends to be tremendous about of denial on her part, and plenty of blame on her feeling being caused by others, but is something we talked about, but no action was ever taken to do so.
And definitely doesn't have many people to REALLY trust, and confide too. | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 9 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 3:48:54 PM | I miss how we could do anything together, and it would somehow be fun... we were like pals
And yes, probably some guilt here too. Ive wondered if i should discuss things with her only brother (who lives in calgary, and doesn't see or talk too) just to reach out for help. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:03:36 PM | Can the two, of you, work it out together...
can she hold up her end and do what is necessary for her health?
And work together on a healthly relationship and partnership.........and you not having to do it all?
Where do the two of you see youselves, 5 years down the road?
I'd say, sit down and talk it out.
Never stop communicating.
One issue at a time and it's not so overwhelming.
Good luck.
ceecee | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:09:37 PM |
Oh wow, I feel for you. It's difficult to deal with someone that has emotional/mental problems. If you are strong enough, then contact her, get her to go to counseling, go with her too, she will need your support. Her illness can be maintained, but not if everyone in her life keeps abandoning her. Is she worth all of this? She may be, it won't be easy, but she may be worth it. Have you talked with her about all of this? If not this might be your first step. Let her talk really talk, no finger pointing, no anger, on your part, let her talk and you listen. Good Luck and keep us posted.
I have done extensive reading on this illness, and realize thats its highly unlikely i can help much (besides being supportive) and it seems that intense feeling seem to trigger the whipsaw like emotions . However, I fear if i dont walk away, i will loose myself trying to please her every emotion and fear. I do wish to stay with her, but i wonder how it would be possible. I dont even know how to bring it up with her. I thought of getting as much information as possible and emailing or printing it off and highlighting.. im not as angry as i was, especially knowing what she is going through in her mind.... its really her own enemy sometimes... | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:15:41 PM | Um, huh? You blew up one day after having had enough of being on defensive egg shells?
If you are the one blowing up, wouldn't she be the one on eggshells? Or does she blow up, too?
Regardless of whatever else is going on in a relationship, if you can't handle your emotions without blowing up, you lack the emotional maturity to have a relationship. What you call blowing up is what is known as having a tantrum. First things first, learn how to have emotions without having tantrums, and then worry about having a relationship. | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 13 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:17:31 PM |
Can the two, of you, work it out together...
can she hold up her end and do what is necessary for her health?
And work together on a healthly relationship and partnership.........and you not having to do it all?
Where do the two of you see youselves, 5 years down the road?
I'd say, sit down and talk it out.
Never stop communicating.
One issue at a time and it's not so overwhelming.
Good luck.
ceecee
Its tough to do "together" when she doesnt quite recognize how much this kind of thinking has an affect on her decision making... its the way she sees the world.. her perception thats off. This is difficult to treat.
At this point 5 DAYs down the road is hard to predict... but 2 weeks ago we were all ready planning how to decorate the house for xmas.. and also our anniversary in febuary. This is really just all too much...difficult to believe is really happening..a week ago she was falling asleep in my arms.... | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:20:20 PM | We all of us have issues, baggage, whatever you want to call it...life happens, and things leave us with scars...even the most wonderful of us. I went through something somewhat similar, although certainly not as extreme, recently. When the connection is there we often so things that are in hindsight rash...but of course, sometimes those rash things bring great joy. When we find someone who immediately seems so trustworthy and right to us, we can very quickly end up totally enmeshed in the relationship. If the connection is such that even at this point, you are worried about her - can you perhaps offer to be her friend? I know a lot of people say that doesn't work - but I think if it was a true connection, person to person above the man/woman thing - it can and does. It's hard to do, especially when the other person is in so much need emotionally. And I'm sure plenty of people would call it being a doormat or a martyr (I heard that on some of my posts!)...but if you feel it within your heart to still have a relationship of some sort with this girl, then maybe you may want to try and see what happens.
Good luck... | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:21:48 PM | You are not alone.
BPD is not like ordinary disorders. Often the person with BPD is nearly untreatable. HOWEVER, those who live with a BPD person are treatable!!! Sounds like twisted logic, but hear me out.
One of the traits of BPD is denial. Which means they cannot accept that they have a problem. If there's no problem, there can be no treatment. Another trait is projecting, where they project their faults to you, their parents, and others.
Many therapists will find nothing wrong with a BPD person, because they can put on such a 'normal' front for the hour with the therapist. But you know her. You know her better than a therapist ever could.
So, yes, you should get professional help with her, but mostly for you to learn how to cope with her disorder.
I can recommend a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. There's also a yahoo group out there called "Welcome to Oz".
I went through this too, although my ex was not a cutter. I'm still dealing with it, as we still have one minor child.
Wc8, feel free to email me directly.
Canoist | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 16 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:27:08 PM |
Um, huh? You blew up one day after having had enough of being on defensive egg shells?
If you are the one blowing up, wouldn't she be the one on eggshells? Or does she blow up, too?
Regardless of whatever else is going on in a relationship, if you can't handle your emotions without blowing up, you lack the emotional maturity to have a relationship. What you call blowing up is what is known as having a tantrum. First things first, learn how to have emotions without having tantrums, and then worry about having a relationship.
Okay.. you make it sound as if i cant have a relationship, and that's not particularly helpful. I had a 6year relationship prior... i think I'm emotionally capable, but someone analyzing your every move is extremely hard to deal with day in day out. She would throw temper tantrums in public, yell in public, call and question my friends family of my every move.. claim I was doing things i wasnt EVERY day.. wake up yelling at me for something that happened in a dream... the list goes on.. then would flip and she'd break down, completely change and be happy to the extreme again...
Here is post explaining more on BPD and what its like to experience:
A repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships.
Manipulate others
Has difficulty with trusting others
Inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to put up with
Inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset
Inability to control the impulses toward the expression, through action, of love and hate that most people are able to hold in check
Inappropriate and intense anger or rage; temper tantrums, constant brooding, resentment, feelings of deprivation, loss of control
They feel they’re flawed, defective, damaged, bad in some way,
Tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior.
Under extreme stress there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms.
Can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work.
A person with BPD can be bright and intelligent, appear warm, friendly and competent, and can maintain this appearance years until stressful situations cause them to crumble (e.g. breakup of a romantic relationship; the death of a parent, etc.)
For a further definition of BPD, look here. I didn't post the content due to copyright laws
http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html
http://www.bpdresourcecenter.org/what.htm
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:31:32 PM | I'm just guessing for whatever it's worth to you but here goes. The lady you describe lives in a way that generates constant high drama and some really adrenaline-pumping moments that you would never experience with someone who didn't have a personality disorder. Life is never dull around such people while it may seem really dull around those deemed to be "boringly normal". They will keep you off-balance and never knowing what to expect from one moment to the next.
The flip side of that excitement is what you have described in your post.. Having to walk on eggshells, never knowing a moment's peace, always worrying ab0ut what is going to happen next and living in a high adrenaline state yourself.
Far better to find a healthier way to get your flips into the upper stratosphere OP... And if you understand that you may be drawn to someone who requires massive amounts of your energies, you may want to set some boundaries that you can live with.
Not everyone wants to live their lives in the no-risk zone but that other place... whew... can get pretty nasty and carry some awful consequences to your own life.
Only you can decide what price you are prepared to pay for your peace... | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 4:54:47 PM | I understand what you're going through, and probably will go through. I was with someone off and on for 7.5 years that was bipolar and schizophrenic, and who usually refused to take her medication (which really DID help her a lot when she'd take it.) It was a nightmare, not only because of her behavior, accusations, etc when things were "bad," but because I knew and genuinely loved the "real" person that she was when she was in her right mind. I thought we would be together forever, I thought she was my soul mate, and sometimes still do. It hurts so very badly for someone you love more than anyone you've ever known to scream at you that you don't love her, that you're cheating, etc etc. I kept leaving when it got so bad I couldn't stand it, but then I'd go right back because I missed "the real her" after not seeing her. Back and forth, back and forth.
I could lay out all the behaviors, accusations, etc, but I'm sure it's very similar to yours. At one point there for a couple of years (literally) I got her marketing jobs at the mortgage company(ies) I worked for JUST so she could be around me all the damn time and know I wasn't cheating. Didn't work, I still got accused all the time. Add to that the fact that when she'd go in to a rage she would pound the hell out of me, throw heavy objects at me, etc. I actually have several scars on my body that she put there, usually with broken glass.
So let me say first that you're very lucky to have gotten out early. I left this woman probably dozens of times over the years (literally.) Sometimes for months at a time. I always went back. It took seven years for me to finally both give up AND realize that I was going to either wind up insane myself or drink myself to death (I began drinking very, very heavily towards the end...the idea was to pass the fvck out as soon as possible once I got home so I didn't have to hear it or deal with bullshit.)
That said, hopefully you didn't spend enough time with her for her to become so ingrained into your heart, mind, and life that you can't move past it very quickly. I say this because, in my case, I DO still miss her sometimes, I DO still wonder if maybe I'd only stuck around a little longer we could have gotten her back on her meds, back in therapy, and everything would have been ok. I feel both guilt for finally leaving someone so desperately in need of help and loss because though she was not my first or even second love, she's thus far in my almost 33 years been the deepest love of my life. It's been almost 3 years since I left for good, and while I KNOW I couldn't possibly stand to go through it again, I still have some nights when I sit here alone and pine for the good times, and of course, as a friend once told me, "yeah, funny how it's always the great times you remember, huh? Remember the time she......"
I feel for you man, and you're welcome to message me if you want to talk about it. | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 5:18:16 PM | Wow.. thank you oddany for sharing all that experience with me. One thing I dont feel, is alone on the subject of bpd... the more i read to more i wish i could help her.....but Im also comming to grips with the realization that she will likely never be stable to be in a relationship with.
And as yourself and silk_fire explain, its ultimately up to me what I can stand... I just dont know...i guess thats why Im here ...i fear second guessing myself on what i believed to be my soulmate slipping away..... *huge sigh* | |
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ISSGOD
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Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 20 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 5:25:27 PM | OMG where to start on this one? The woman I was married to for 16 years has BPD all thought she had not been diagnosed with it until after we were married. BPD is one of the most severe and hard to treat psychological illness out there. But with medication and aggressive treatment positive change can be made… sometimes very positive changes. It is all about illness management.
People with BPD have suffered horrible abuse and or trauma when they were children and are forever psychologically scared. These are not bad people but very ill people that need our love and support.
But with that said in the end I left my wife because of the illness. My wife became convinced that she was cured and stopped all of her treatment except for her meds. She became mean and got angry over the smallest things. If things were going well she would through a wrench into the works and make life miserable. She seemed to thrive off of chaos. Our marriage became akin to the 9th circle of hell! So I left, do not regret it and have not looked back.
My advice is; if she is taking meds, going thru aggressive treatment, then stay with her, love her, and support her! If she is not doing these things… leave ASAP! Do not waste 16 years of you life on a relationship that you can not make work like I did!
I feel for you brother. But she is either part of the solution or part of the problem.
Good luck. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 5:48:47 PM | | I am sure she is a good person and you care about her. But when you move in with a virtual stranger you cannot expect it to be easy. Had you dated for a year or two you would have known exactly what she was really like. She is mentally ill and needs help, not a BF. Don't feel guilty, be her friend. But during one of her manic periods she sucked you right in. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 5:49:13 PM | As long as you know you gave the relationship everything you could you shouldn't second guess yourself. You know she has a problem, but you can't solve that problem for her, she must do that herself. If she's not willing to get the help she needs then the best thing you can do is to move on before she brings you down too. If on the other hand she is willing to get help offer her support.
Good luck to you.  | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 6:08:41 PM | I've read everyone's posts here, and while I have never dealt with a person with this disorder, nor experienced any thing similar to this... I can not help but be struck by how very sad and alone these people must feel. What roller coasters of emotion and how weary and tired they must feel and from the sound of it - very alone.
OP - you were really put through the wringer here, from folks who were grilling you about your actions and your motives, to questioning your ability to be a partner. That never seems fair, you come to the forums and post a request for aid and get bashed or trashed by all the negative people online. It's nice to see also that there ARE folks who are willing to listen, to understand and to share their own experiences.
You rushed a wee bit, but look at all you have learned about this disorder. You're a smart and attractive guy who is clearly thoughtful and more than willing to invest in a good solid relationship. While I know you have feelings for this person, you also have been able to see that this isn't working for you, and really isn't the stable life filled with mutual feelings - largely because she isn't able to be a part of that. But another woman will be able to be. If you choose to be there for THIS woman, I'd recommend you keep it platonic and not continue to be sucked in to her instablilities, while being her friend, hopefully you will find a real good woman to be your life partner.
Best of luck, and praying for all those sad people who's lives are touched by such a difficult situation. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 6:36:04 PM | yeesh y all the worry half of america is crazy anymore an they make a drug for everything so get her to a doc get some happy pills an life goes on who knows it may be fun living with more than one person in her body .. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 6:59:33 PM | Not really sure what to do now with these mixed feelings, and I wonder if its normal to miss someone who caused so much turmoil in my life. I really thought I'd marry this person, and never thought something could be so difficult, and end so abruptly.
Darling, this is so normal in the aftermath of a BPD relationship. I thought BPD in your first paragraph. You described it well. The beginning of such a relationship is over-the-top wonderful like you've never experienced before; it is intoxicationg. And then it gets toxic (but not all the time), as you've experienced.
I feel for you. I sometimes still struggle.
and PS There are two threads going, one in "Relationships" and one in "Dating Experiences" on BPD. You might want to read them. | |
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