| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 11/18/2008 7:04:01 AM | Two pregenant women sitting knitting jumpers,one turns to the other and says "hope i have a boy cos im using blue wool", the other woman turns and replies "well i hope i have a spastic cos i've just f**ked up the arms!".
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 11/18/2008 6:49:02 PM | A better one is this:
A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were all heavily pregnant and sitting in the waiting room at their family doctor's office for a check up.
The red head smiles, pats her stomach and says "I'm having a girl, because I was on the bottom when I concieved".
The brunette smiles back, rubs her stomach and says "I'm having a boy because I was on top when I concieved".
Suddenly, the blonde gasped, looked down at her belly and started to cry "Oh no!" she wailed "I'm going to have puppies!" | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 11/19/2008 1:57:27 AM | Prince charles takes up jogging... Each day he jogs past a hooker. She would call out to him '£150! he would call back 'No £5!' This went on for quite sometime.
One day Camilla decided to jog with him & he was very apprehensive, as he knew what the hooker would say.
As they jogged past the hooker shouted "See what you get for £5 tight **stard | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 11/19/2008 8:53:09 AM | Dont tell anyone......
I'm gonna go down on you!
And you're going to love it.
Buts its only going to be long enough
to let you start enjoying it.
Then im going to come back up
and **** you big time
Yours sincerely
Petrol prices | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 11/20/2008 6:27:27 AM | Lucy's grandpa died so she went to comfort her gran. In conversation it came out that grandpa died while makin love to gran.
Lucy was horrified that 2 people in their 90s were still at it.
Gran explained we used to do it on a sunday morning 2 the sound of church bells nothing 2 strenuous in on the ding out on the dong - if it wasn't for that ****ing icecream van he would still be alive now
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 12/2/2008 6:49:31 PM | Santa Claus, The tooth fairy and a pregnant blonde are in an elevator.
Theres a $10 bill on the floor.
Who picks it up?
Duh, the blond of course, Santa and the Tooth fairy aren't real. | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 12/4/2008 12:30:55 AM |
Santa Claus, The tooth fairy and a pregnant blonde are in an elevator.
Theres a $10 bill on the floor.
Who picks it up?
Duh, the blond of course, Santa and the Tooth fairy aren't real.
Neither are most blondes. | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/10/2009 3:41:08 PM | Jock Mactavish developed a new style of nail and found a niche for them in Ireland. He wanted them advertised on T.V. there so he contacted Murphys advertising agency. They said "We’re the cheapest because we don’t give demos, previews etc, we make the add and it goes straight out on T.V. the following week."
O.K. said Jock. "Its Easter next week and people will be wanting to do a bit of D.I.Y. so put out the add during the holidays, mainly on Easter Sunday."
The following week on Saturday during the evening film the break started and the ads ran. Jock watched uninterested when an ad came on he didn’t recognise. It started with a dark stormy cloud scene, the occasional flash of lightning, strong beams of sunlight trying to get thru breaks in the clouds, the camera panned down bringing into view a piece of wood. Further down a cross beam could be seen then a circle of thorns on top of a head. Eventually the camera stopped and moved back revealing Jesus Christ on the cross. A flash of lightning, roar of thunder and then a caption showed beneath the cross followed by the voice over for it:
"If you want a job done right this Easter then use Jocks nails" followed by a inserted product picture stating only 99p a box special offer this Easter.
Well, as one can imagine Jock was well p1ssed off. He got on the blower to Murphys and politely asked what the fook they were up to; if they didn’t sort this ad out he would move his account elsewhere.
"We’re very sorry Mr Jock" came the reply, "trust us, we shall have a better advert tomorrow."
Sure enough, Easter Sunday evening, the ads rolled and Jock watched with interest. Then he sat forward, mouth wide open, his eyes almost popping out of his head, the same advert was being shown as before. Again the camera panned down from the stormy sky, the top of the cross appeared followed by the cross beam until the camera stopped and pulled back. On the screen was a similar scene except piled up in a heap at the bottom of the cross was Jesus Christ. After the flash of lightning and roar of thunder the caption showed followed by the voice over:
"They should have used Jocks nails" - still only 99p a pack until Tuesday | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/10/2009 5:18:44 PM | The Australian & The Muslim
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight
from London to Melbourne , Australia .
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he
would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, 'Me too. I didn't realise we had a choice.'
Don't you just love Aussie humour | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/10/2009 5:26:29 PM | Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all taken prisoner by Idi Amin and accused of being spies.
They were brought before him and he said they were all guilty and were going to die.
However, as Idi was trained by the British Army, he said, he would allow them the choice of the way they were put to death! They could choose from the firing squad, hanging from the gallows, or being injected with AIDS.
The Englishman stepped forward, and with a stiff upper lip, opted for shooting. So they took him out and shot him!
The Scot opted for the rope, so they took him out and hanged him!
The Irishman said that he would be happy to be injected with AIDS! All around were astonished! They described the slow lingering death he would suffer, but he was adamant! So they injected him and sent him on his way.
A week later, the Irishman was back in a Dublin bar boasting to his friends about his narrow escape. His friends, aghast, asked why he was not afraid to die in this way.
With a big grin on his face, he said, "Well I fooled them all! I was wearing a condom!" | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/11/2009 8:42:27 PM | I have fraction of Irish blood. I dont get it either. injected means a shot/needle. unless the irish man had sex with a woman with aids..
maybe just really stupid and thinks a comdom prevent aids no matter the exposure???? | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/11/2009 9:06:06 PM | | youve got it english tease the irish about being stupid , the scottish about being more than careful with their money ,the welsh well just cos there welsh ..there is no limit and we get plenty back .....and long may it continue ....... why did god give black people rythm cos he messed up there hair.........it just goes on ....but there is a fine line between teasing and insulting .... dont you have something with the canadians | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/11/2009 9:24:55 PM | Nope I am in the south. We make fun of the yankee don't really dis the canadians. they inturn make fun of us. something about stupid, inbreed, no shoes, no teeth and so on.
What happens if half english and half irish lol.. sure that makes for fun at family table | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/11/2009 10:04:19 PM | | normally when its abig gathering theres a complete cross section colour creed etc .....someone might label the knives and forks for the irish section ....the knifes and forks will be missing for the scouse /liverpudlian [liverpool man /woman] they"d rob there own mother ... we relocate the animals the asians will eat anything ... we cook with electric ovens dont want to worry the jews and so on.... as to the deep south folks getting stick ..that has crossed the pond .....if somebodies eyes are a little to close together etc some one will hum the banjo tune the little kid in DELIVERANCE played....... | |
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| If easily offended,do not read. you've been warned
Posted: 1/12/2009 10:29:39 AM | Thanks for explaining the joke to our former colonials, 20pete08, I usually find that the Americans make those sort of jokes about the Poles! And the Irish make them about Kerry men!
Americans tend to keep very quiet about the Canadians, because they would have to admit that they are the only country in the world to have had their ass kicked by them when they invaded, burned down their Capital, then marched back home again! Oh, the shame!
By the way, do you know the definition of a redneck in Arkansas?
Someone who saw the movie Deliverance and thought it was a love story! | |
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