| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 4:53:33 PM | | This just happened to me and I can't understand why. I was dating a single mom of 2 kids( from 2 different dads who are both currently in jail). She was the one who asked me out. We went out and she revealed she had had a crush on me from the first time she met me. We went out to ballgames, the movies, the lake, and out to eat with her kids. I complimented her often and bought her flowers. They would come over and spend the night. She would ask me to come over all the time. Everything was going great. She said she had never dated anyone like me. She said I was in a different world from guys she had gone out with. She asked to meet my parents and wanted a diamond ring for xmas( which she said she was kidding about). Then when I tell her I have feelings for her , she snaps and says she doesn't want to be in love and doesnt have time for heartache. She even mentioned she had never had a date on valentine's day because she didn't want to have a great valentines day and then have to be sad every valentines day after that if things didn't work out with that guy. WTF. I can't understand that way of thinking. Please help me understand ladies! | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:19:57 PM | | Well she probably was terribly hurt before and although she was did have feelings for you, it sounds like she froze up & got scared. As a single mom I can some what understand, she probably also doesn't want someone in and out of her childrens lives, that why for me when dating I am not quick to introduce someone to my children for that very reason, sometimes you should wait a while until you know that maybe the relationship is in it for the long haul. she may also have some emotional issues which you need to beware of. Take things slow, be friends and let time take its course, I hope this helped some. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:26:24 PM | | You're right. She mentioned she had a bad childhood. Her dad and mom are alcholics and divorced when she was young. Her dad also kidnapped her twice when she was in grade school. I can understand getting scared but wouldnt you want to be with a "great guy"(which she called me all the time) that treats you like a queen and gets along with her kids and wants to be with you. I told her I would never hurt her, which I would never ever do. I guess growing up in a great atmosphere like I did, i cant really put myself in her shoes but its frustrating. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:33:08 PM |
As a single mom I can some what understand, she probably also doesn't want someone in and out of her childrens lives, that why for me when dating I am not quick to introduce someone to my children for that very reason
I agree.
When a woman wants to introduce a man to her life...she wants to know he'll be there for them cos its a major renegotiation and accomodation to their lives/family unit.
Really there's 2 dynamics that go along with it...the appreciation of the person being offered that position within the family...and the appreciation of the people letting him take that position.
Works both ways btw...if it was a single father allowing a new woman into their lives.
Well she probably was terribly hurt before and although she was did have feelings for you, it sounds like she froze up & got scared.
According to what you've said there OP...yup...sounds like that was it.
She's clearly got a harsh history (the two other men) so I suggest unless you reallllllly think you're gonna be in it for the long haul then best to stay away from them completely cos you cant get involved with families on a whim and then bail on a whim either.
I hope she's not so scared that she wont allow you to do it but I guess you're just gonna have to let it play a little and see what happens.
Dont get involved with the kids right away k? it wont be good for them if it doesnt work out.
Good luck :-) | |
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andi3
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Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 5 | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:40:00 PM | | thanks pumpkyn......I figured since she brought her kids around me, she was looking for a possible long term relationship which I had NO problems with. I worked with her for a year and we were friends before she approached me. I only got close to her kids because she invited me into their lives. I love kids and took to them quickly as they did to me. I know you dont know me but I assure you i had nothing but the best intentions for her and her kids if she was willing to take a chjance on me , I had no hesittation in take a chance on them. She knows what kind of a guy I am and everyone we worked with together told her what a high quality and caring person i am. thanks for your help. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:40:55 PM | I'm sorry...I think one of the baby daddies was getting up for parole and she was cutting it off or trying to. I've been hurt a lot and it is no excuse to act like that. I know that sounds harsh but I would say it was definitely had something to do with someone else looking more appealing. Even if they really aren't. You sound like a great man and don't let this turn you away from all single women.  | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:44:08 PM | | thank you ladies for the feedback...It helps getting opinions from other single moms....and fab mom, both are still in jail and not getting out anytime soon. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:46:05 PM | Oh. Well, maybe you just aren't enough of a "bad boy" for her. Consider yourself lucky and dip out while you can. You really sound like you deserve better  | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:51:38 PM | | here I though women like to be treated well.....I remember she was so happy and surprised that i would open the car door for her when she got in my car. I was the fist one to get her flowers and shes 25!...WOW.......I dont get why women lwt guys treat them like crap. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:52:44 PM | | I don't either. But some do. And i believe some men do as well. Just know that you deserve someone that makes you feel just as special as you make them feel | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:57:39 PM | | i thought since she made the first move in asking me out and for intamicy that she wanted more, specially saying she wanted to meet my folks after dating for only a month and then saying she wanted a diamond ring for xmas....but she was only kidding she says????? | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 5:59:29 PM | | Take your time, don't rush her and let your presence in her life and gestures towards her and her kids be your words for now. Get her oil changed. Fly a kite with the kids, read them a story or play catch. Cook for her. Little things mean a lot when you are trying to break down a wall. Good luck. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 6:01:30 PM | Hmmmm- well maybe she really thought she wanted it all and jumped in too fast and then got freaked out. But even if that is the case I would think it is too late to attempt to keep the relationship alive because if she REALLY wanted it she would have toughed it out. God knows I've been all about some guy for the first 2 months and then thought oh crap! What did I do? And I was really thinking it the whole time but I just wanted THAT relationship sooo bad. And by THAT relationship I mean the whirlwind, fall in love, can't let go it is meant to be love. And I (and other women) push themselves so hard to achieve that with someone it really isn't meant to be with.
I hope I'm making sense. lol. I took an energy pill before my workout and feel hopped up!  | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 6:05:49 PM | Hey carolanne! Long time! :)
Do you really think it's a wall? I mean, taking into consideration the womans past and her choices in men (I mean obviously all single parents hd flaws in their choices BUT I would hope that most ex's weren't in prison) Do you think it is worth his time and effort to try with someone that pushed him away so easily? | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 6:09:43 PM | | could the fact she had a horrible childhood have alot to do why she wouldnt herslef get close.....what about that valentines day remark she told me????? Thats like saying she rather not try to be happy cus she is too worried about being hurt..... | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 6:13:46 PM | Oh the I had an awful childhood story. I'm sure she did. But I am so sick of people blaming their childhood on why they are f*cked up 20+ years later. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and say You know what. Yes, I was dealt a sh!tty hand as a child but I am NOT a child anymore and I am in control of my own life. And really no matter how crappy it might have been there is always someone out there that had it worse and was able to pick themself up and make something of themselves.
It sounds like you are maybe wanting this to work out. And I say if you feel that strongly go for it. But be careful and above all protect yourself and your heart. If you have to knock down her wall to get to her heart make sure she at least has to climb a hill to get to yours. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 6:20:34 PM |
I know I sound harsh but once I realized all of this I was able to open myself up to a healty, mature relationship when before all I got was trash.
I hope no matter what things work out for you | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 6:28:49 PM | | thanks again.....its good to hear your method of thinking.....but if someone treated me like i treated her specially after having been shit on my whole life, i would have sunk my claws in...lol | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 7:12:17 PM | | Easy, she has been hurt before, badly, I would say, and is not quite as ready to move on as she thinks or is trying to be....if you are really feeling something for her, then you can wait it out, but if not then move on, as kindly, quickly, and gently as possible. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 7:14:46 PM | | I hate to say it but she's damaged goods. Not because she's a single parent, but because she has a huge amount of emotional baggage in her life that she has simply not dealt with. She really needs to be on her own for awhile and figure that portion out. She has to be able to openly give and recieve, in order to have the best in a relationship. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/18/2008 8:35:06 PM | | i'm with you ladyluv.she sounds frightened at the aspect of becoming involved with someone she feels may finally be right for her..she may feel she doesn't deserve it..and it scares her as she doesn't know how to handle this. she sounds insecure and probably feels you are too good for her...talk it out with her and yes slow it down a little, you may be moving too fast for her. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 12:02:00 AM | I have to say that i agree with fab-mom on this one this whole bad child hood thing is just kind of and excuse for people who want to find someone else to blame for their problems. If you look around everyone has had some type of bad childhood or something tramatic that happened durring it.. Your life is what you make of it and you are the only one who is to blame if you don't get over it. She can blame everything on her bad childhood. I have had a pretty bad child hood too but I was also responciable for making my own mistakes not because of the bad things that happened when I was a child.
You seem like a very nice guy with good values and she should feel lucky to have met someone who is as nice to her and the kids. I really feel like she may still have alot of growing up to do herself. It seems like she has had a problem with making bad decisions when it comes to men and she needs to take a look inside herself and figure out where she is making the mistakes instead of trying to blame them on other things. She needs to realize how lucky she is to have someone who is willing to try to care about her and the childern both before she keeps making the bad decisions she has made before so that she can actually start living her adult life.
Good luch doll, you seem like a good man and I hope if this is the girl you want that it will work out for you. there needs to be more men who really care like you. | |
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