c7t1
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Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 1 | |
| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 9:19:48 PM | What is settling? When are we being to picky. Lately I have found my self looking at my friends and their spouses. Some have gotten fat some haven’t. Some men are fat and some women are fat. Funny thing is they are still in love. Do we/I forget to look at the person or just the shell? I know I am not perfect, have more than a few pounds. I guess I am confused.
I have a saying that I stole from some one; but it really makes me wonder about my self and who I am looking for.
"Every year we become more and more selective and every year we become less and less appealing"
I never thought about myself being shallow but am I? The answer scares me to tell the honest truth.
Any way just want to hear your thoughts good or bad | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 9:28:52 PM | | I take settling to mean you have accepted someone you don't really want, for whatever reason, but think it's better than being alone. I take each person on his own merit and it we click woohoo, if not, no harm done, better luck next time. I don't settle because I'm not looking for any specific thing. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 9:36:43 PM | | Do you think you don't deserve to be loved because you are fat? Do you think that just because someone is fat that they can't be physically appealing to someone? Just like your friends are still in love with their mates despite being fat , someone can love you and be attracted to you as well despite the fact that you are fat. You might not want to be throwing around the fat word my dear because have you looked in a mirror lately? | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:04:08 PM | | I don't see 'settling' as a viable option for a happy life. If you're fortunate, you get to meet people and get to know them....you can't make them into the right person for YOU or make yourself the right person for someone else. You can only be yourself and keep your eyes open for opportunties to meet people until hopefully, one day you meet that special someone and KNOW everything is right for both of you. To do differently is to do yourself and someone else a great disservice IMO. | |
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c7t1
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Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 5 | |
| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:07:57 PM | I have look in the mirror. Trust me I have a big full closet mirror right beside my bed. My point wasn’t about being fat, I probably worded that wrong. My Point is, when we grow old with some one, we don’t see the flaws as they age. We see the person we fell in love with; but as single people don’t we look for attractive people first and personality second.
I honestly do not mean to offend anyone with this tread. I am just asking a question. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:08:29 PM | | A key thing to remember is that you can only love someone back when you love yourself first. I've often thought of settling, but then I realized that I can find the person I want to be with. I see lots of different looking couples together. I never wonder why they are together. They are together because they are in love. Looks fade no matter what, but a great personality lasts your whole life. People are hung up on looks, not saying that you can't want a certain type of person to date, that is your choice. Personally I know what I want physically from a guy I want to date. But as for friends, I'll be friends with anyone. I have skinny friends, bigger friends, bisexual friends, black friends, friends of all shapes and sizes. If someone emails me and they aren't what I am looking for I assure them that them being rejected by me isn't because they might be a bit bigger or whatever. It's because I have an idea of what I want, and they aren't it. I don't get these people that hurt people's feelings when they reply. I've had it done and it sucks. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:13:29 PM | OP...I don't consider that "settling".
True, there are some lucky/hard working individuals who look GREAT at our age. But they are not the huge (no pun intended...well...maybe) majority of us.
I have pudge on me. Hasn't really stopped me from finding love in the past. Heck, the last guy I was with wanted me even fatter!!!!! He said, if we had stayed together I would have ended up weighing 300lbs...and he'd love it. Kinky guy.
To me, settling means accepting something less than what you deserve.
No...I won't settle for something less. But I have a realistic expectation of what my counter part may or may not look like. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, my friend. Very very true words.
My best ever relationship was with a man who was in a wheel chair. He's passed away...but I will never forget the quality of man that he was. | |
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c7t1
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Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 8 | |
| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:14:06 PM | | I made one huge mistake in this tread. I used fat as an example. This was meant to be about setting. Be it fat, too skinny, educated or not, not a model, a model the whole package. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:21:34 PM | To me, settling would mean getting into a relationship with someone that gave me less than what I deserve, what I need and what I desire.
We've all been in bad relationships, that's why we're single or divorced now, right? We've taken experiences from each relationship, along with childhood lessons instilled in us by our parents, and numerous other factors that have become important through the various learning experiences we’ve had throughout life and molded all of these pieces into our ideals of what we can and cannot live without, to come up with certain standards that we now use as our guidelines to “assess” new people that come into our lives. Some may call it baggage from previous relationships, but to me it's great learning experiences that have taught me great lessons and there is no negativity associated with the knowledge learned. I don’t view it as being picky, I view it as knowing what I desire and not being willing to settle for less.
Personally, I would never settle for someone that didn't have values that meshed with mine, didn't have the ability and desire to be totally open and honest and feel a comfort level with me that they felt they could share anything and everything. These things are extremely important to me. Physical attraction is important too, but I don't really have a certain look or "type" of man that I'm attracted to so the physical aspect doesn't have the same standards for me as the sharing, caring, honesty and intelligence does. If you want to know the truth, I base the physical attraction on an uncontrollable urge I feel to kiss the guy. If I don't feel like kissing him, there's no way in the world anything else physical would happen and I'd never settle for that! | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:32:40 PM | | Many settle for less because they dont want to be alone. So they take what is less than perfect than what they consider their ideal match, or stay in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship, because the fear of being left alone is stronger than reaching out for happiness. Many settle also because of a lack of self worth and self esteem. Others just get tired and give up so will take what is easy and requires the least effort. which are all sad. We should never settle for less than happiness and healthy love! | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:38:21 PM | Hey there Op...I read the responses of two individuals. I started typing understanding full well what you meant. I had read your profile to see where you were coming from. I had felt one poster had been a little harsh.
After doing my "research" then typing my response...several others had come on.
So, I just want to say...I do understand where you're coming from. And, once again...settling means accepting someone who would bring you down...not soar up into the stars with you.
You have your flaws which life forced on you. I have mine that...well...some people...no most people would say I brought onto myself with free will. Still...someone just may come along in either of our lives who will see the beauty that lies within us. Some won't.
Peace,
WS | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 10:39:47 PM |
What is settling?
IMO it's mental laziness. Focusing solely on the pursuit of feelings, and not facing insecurity and fears.
So, basically, what you said.
"Every year we become more and more selective and every year we become less and less appealing"
I wonder if every year we simply start looking for someone to obtain ideal perfection, and make up for shortcomings, subconsciously. Becoming more solidified in our beliefs and self image, gravitating towards solipsism and shying away from anything that mandates change.
I never thought about myself being shallow but am I?
Depends if you define shallow by comparing your definition to that of other people, or hold an absolute external definition of the value of shallow you simply attempt to live above.
Do we/I forget to look at the person or just the shell?
Forget? Or is it simply too much work/effort with diminishing 'returns' to look deeper? Especially as age (sometimes, not always) adds depth to a person. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 11:04:08 PM | | Would you rather be settled or unsettled? I would rather settle in with someone. I would settle for what I wanted. It can be unsettling to think of an unwillingness to settle settling in, so that you got comfortable being uncomfortable with everyone you met, nobody being quite as good as you imagine someone else might be. That settles it for me. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 11:11:41 PM | OP different people are looking for different things. I think if a person has certain things they are looking for in a potential mate, then that is what they are looking for. To some people weight is an issue, to others its not. I believe a person settles when they begin a relationship with someone who does not meet their criteria and they begin a relationship because they are lonely or tired of looking.
I have been called picky because I want a man who does not smoke, is independent, a man who is intellegent, someone who likes to engage in stimulating conversations and lives a healthy lifestyle. I will not settle on these issues and when I mention healthy lifestyle its about being interested in a healthy lifestye, regardless of his weight status - as weight can be changed. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 11:14:13 PM | OP Do you think that the reason these couples are still in love and happy is because they DIDN'T settle?
I have friends that after several years together;or even a lot of years together,they are not only still in love,but are actually more in love as time goes by.They didnt necessarily all start out as physical "hotties" or anything either;but the one thing they do seem to have in common is really feeling like they'd found the person they couldn't(or didn't want to) live without.
Conversely,I have friends that married each other pretty much solely because of their attractiveness level;they might still be married after a few years,but you can tell they don't share the bond the aforementioned couples do.
I've been thinking pretty much the same questions to myself that you are asking and I realize that at the end of the day I only want to marry a man who I feel lucky to be with(the whole man,not his looks) and who feels the same about me;and I would rather wait for that than settle for something less just because I don't have a "good" reason not to.
hope that helped a wee bit! *the wild irish rose* | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 11:47:37 PM | This is an example of settling. It's my post from another thread but it fits better here.
I don't think you should lower your standards if you don't want to. I will probably lower mine a little as I get older if I don't find someone.
I am 21.....................I want Prince Charming to ride in on a white horse and take me to his castle
When I am 30..........I'll take Prince Nice Guy riding in on a beige horse and taking me to his mansion
When I am 40.........Any nice guy with a horse will do and he doesn't have to be riding it and he only needs to own his home.
When I am 50.........Forget the horse just bring me a nice guy who at least rents a nice apartment
When I am 60.......A semi nice guy with a golf cart who lives in a trailer will be fine
When I am 70.......Just bring me the horse, forget the guy. A nice barn will be okay.
When I am 80.......I'll go to a diner and flirt with the waiter bringing me hamburger | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/21/2008 11:52:54 PM | Mindy Mindy...that is HILARIOUS!!!!
*grin*
I love your sense of humor girl......
one more post script I could add to your list;or maybe a variation; is "my"line...
" I'm not looking for prince charming; a knight in dirt-stained carharrts will do just fine!" | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 12:15:51 AM | If you marry a person and after a few years they start looking a little old and getting fat on you. Well then if you hadn't looked in a mirror with open eyes then you might need to. You may just as well be fat and looking old too. Other wise you have died young and skinny.
If you have true love for a person then when that person gets fat and old looking to the rest of the world. That person still is the apple of your eye and you see them as they way you have always seen them. Most of the time they are still attractive to you. Ture love never dies only make believe love will die and wither away.
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 12:42:17 AM | I'll settle for love.
We, each one of us, struggle with being human, no?
Sometimes in the grip of our faults and fears... hoping we will find someone who will accept us, faults and all.
And love us for who we are.
And I think that's it, right there. Find someone you are comfortable being human with.
And settle right into to loving them; opening yourself to all of its risks and rewards. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 5:01:45 AM | | I agree with daynadaze. Settling is just being with just anyone for the sake of not being alone. How sad is that?? And being picky? Why cant we be picky? I am. I dont go overboard crazy with being TOO TOO picky but damn it, i wont settle either. I have a right to be picky when considering spending the rest of my life with someone. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 5:28:54 AM | | Settling is just taking anyone that comes along. You know, ANYONE. Will never happen here. I need to really have some genuine interest in a person. As far as fat? No, I will not date "fat." I go to the gym and eat right, I want my partner to somewhat be the same. No, he does not need to be as into the gym as I have become, but he better know what a blender is and a steak. No, we do not just look at a person's shell....??? That is lame. I do not become more selective year after year. I have always been selective. I have had very few relationships, by choice. I never wanted to be a woman that had to say I slept with a ton of men because I was not selective. I can count on ONE HAND how many men I have been with. Are you shallow? no. Clueless? perhaps. Be happy with yourself then you will be happy with other people. It is clear OP you are not to secure with yourself. Therefore, anyone who comes into your life would be "settling." | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 5:33:03 AM | I'll settle for love too.
I have a friend who's 53 and she was looking for someone to "take care of her", someone she can get along with and "likes", it doesn't have to be love. She's willing to settle and apparently doesn't mind it. She's marrying a man after Christmas she's been with about 3 months and says she likes him but doesn't love him. She says that if it evolves into love then it would be nice but not necessary.
I, however, no matter how old I get, cannot settle, why should I have to?
My mother said just the other day that, as people get older they tend to be pickier. I don't agree with that. I think that as we age we are just more in tune with what we know we want, moreso than when we were much, much younger. JMO. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 5:56:45 AM |
You might not want to be throwing around the fat word my dear because have you looked in a mirror lately?
Face it...fat is fat. It's not large (a dinosaur is large),it's not heavy(an aircraft carrier is heavy), it's not big boned(bones don't hang over a waistline), it's fat...period. | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 6:12:24 AM | OP so many people just think they are all that and a bag of chips ... and so seem to look at everyone as being not as good as they deserve !!!
So often these ""wonderful, beautiful, perfect"" people feel they have to settle because they think they will never meet anyone that is good enought to DESERVE them and their wonderfulness ...
They chose words such as picky to cover up the real fact that they feel there are few, if any partners that could be as good a catch as they are .... so rats have to settle.
So many people are just so high on themselves. They look in the mirror and see perfect, look at the world and see nothing but their wonderful selves.
Savona | |
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| Settling
Posted: 11/22/2008 6:13:36 AM |
"Every year we become more and more selective and every year we become less and less appealing"
What a rotten motto to live by. Ageism at its worst.
More selective? Or more aware of what we need as adults to be happy? As we mature we grow to understand that what we might have found appealing as a younger person no longer works for us. We are looking for compatibility not conflict. We want true friendship not competition. Our new requirements are for a true partner nothing less. So yes, when we have a good career, children that depend on us etc we have to be very selective. Anything less might change the dynamics of our life which was working just fine before the new relationship and will be just as good afterwards. If you do not ADD to the equation then you are taking away from it. So keep walking.
Less appealing? Only to people that were never an option to begin with. I want to be with a real man. Secure in his life and his feelings for those he loves. A no bullsh1t kind of guy. Anything less is not worthy of me. | |
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