| | women with childrenPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | so this is the question. in the past couple of relationships ive been in my significant other has had children. not a problem mind you but with each time i date someone with children i normaly become attached to the children and the breakup becomes rather nasty. in these cases it hurts more to seperate from the children than the mother.....what should i do to stop getting myself slaughtered in the long run? | |
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MizQ
| | Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 2 | |
| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 8:07:22 PM | | I guess don't date a woman with children? Or do not involve the children in the relationship till you are pretty darn sure it is headed for marriage. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 8:54:33 PM | | i wish it was that simple MizQ. i cant help who i feel attracted to. but holding off on interaction with the children might help | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:16:29 PM | | Absolutely hold off on the interaction with children and any good mom would do the same for her children. I don't want men coming in and out of my child's life leaving her confused and missing them if she became attached. Have a six month rule. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:32:43 PM | | Maybe you should stop meeting their kids so quick. There is no need for children to be involved with their parents dating life. Now if a relationship is serious and heading towards marriage ,and you have been dating at least six months ,then introducing your kids to your girlfriend/boyfriend as "mommies/daddies friend" is fine. However most people seem to be dragging their kids into very new relationships wanting that instant family. It's the kids in the end who lose and who hurt most. Most parents just don't care it seems so long as they get what they want. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:43:24 PM | Young man...... (took a look at your profile to see the age..... so consider this a father/son talk).
It's a GREAT quality to have to not be afraid of getting involved with the kids. But for right now, at your age, it is best that you try to date somebody without kids. I know there are plenty of women out there who have them at your age. But there are FAR MORE at your age who DON'T. So for now, make it a point to date only ones without kids. TRUST ME, you'll have PLENTY to choose from who have kids by the time you're in your mid thirties and upward.
I'm telling you this for a couple of reasons: First..... women at your age, even if they have kids, are still very immature. Simply because they popped out a kid, DOESN'T mean that most of them have actually GROWN UP yet. You getting caught in the middle of their CRAP only sets you up for some failure. And as you've previously stated.....it's hurtful to YOU. Most women your age will neither appreciate nor validate the caring that YOU are capable of providing for THEIR kids. Please trust me on that last comment. Women your age have NO CLUE as to YOUR VALUE in that regard. It's all about THEM at your age.
Go date a woman without kids.......find one that you can PLAN to have a family with if that's what you want to do. It sounds like you WISH to be a positive male role model in some kid's life. And that's a GREAT THING. Go do it with somebody who will value you for being that........as the father of THEIR child.
peace | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:44:34 PM | As the others mentioned, don't get involved in the children's life right away.
A lot of women will disagree with me or say that some times you have no choice but to have the kids around, I say no way. If the safety of your children is not reason enough not to bring someone around your kids that you don't know very well, avoiding problems like you mentioned should be. The kids also get attached, why bring on the unnecessary confusion to them.
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:46:34 PM | then again it all depends on the age of the child too doesnt it? six months is a good rule and i have been using it but that doesnt help me with the end result.  and it snowballs right over me. its not exactly a feeling i want to keep getting.....long story short girl n guy got together for 1 year girl couldnt hack the navy life left and boy hurts cuz he cares for girls 2 sons......im affraid of another incident like this and the last one was pretty hard to see coming at me so yea  | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:54:13 PM | | Sorry that happened to you, but you will find someone one to love and to love you back- with or without children | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/22/2008 11:23:57 PM | | this is very easy and simple, DON'T date women with children, sheesh. i mean you're only 21, surely you can find someone your age who doesn't have any kids yet? my niece is 22 and doesn't have any. i'm 38 and don't have any. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:09:44 AM | Sorry but the age of the child has NOTHING to do with it. Agree with the poster above that the guy and gal can spend all the time that they want to trying to see if they are the right pair together, but the child or children should not be in the mix until both are fairly sure that the relationship will work.
Either date ladies without kids or see her when the kids are not involved. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:33:54 AM | wow.....so i cant have my cake and eat it too? i asked for the advice and i guess i got my answer huh. it just seems a little biased to me but then again maybe im just being niaeve. anyhoo il give it a shot and see what happens. hoora thank you guys  | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:35:34 AM | | Hey Jester....just advice, and without having looked at everyones replies, I offer this. I have kids, who live with me part time, and I put it out there upfront that whomever I date, they will not meet my kids (or I theirs) until we know for certain that our relationship is solid. And once the kids are introduced, it is on a friend level. "Hey kids, I want you to meet my friend, Ms Friend." and from there it is at a level of just doing something like going to a park to let the kids play. Just as you get attached to kids, kids will get attached to you. So as the adult, with experience in this, you know what is the best way to "ease" yourself into the childrens lives with little affect on the kids. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:38:40 AM | Yes, if the mother is too stupid to realize that she should not be involving her young children with a man she's only getting to know and just dating - then do not date her because she's a fool.
Otherwise? You establish some rules and don't be willing to meet or be involved with the children until such time as you know this woman is the one you are going to be considering marriage with - THEN AND ONLY THEN - meet her kids.
Doh.
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 7:29:01 AM | | Don't meet the kids till you are sure things are going to go "long term." I have to wonder about parents who just introduce their kids to everyone they date, and do it early on. Leave the kids out of it till there's a reason to involve them! | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:41:02 AM | | Go for women without children. Then get married and have children with her. And then when you get divorced you'll still be able to see the children at least some of the time. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:21:14 AM |
each time i date someone with children i normaly become attached to the children and the breakup becomes rather nasty. Why don't you concentrate your efforts on the relationship with the WOMAN and not her children? It's a no-brainer. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:25:46 AM | Don't meet the kids till you are sure things are going to go "long term." I have to wonder about parents who just introduce their kids to everyone they date, and do it early on. Leave the kids out of it till there's a reason to involve them!
truthfully i think these women are extremely desperate and needy and screaming it at the top of their lungs. they are looking for a daddy and husband. i would think this would scare away most sane men. i had an ex-boyfriend who told me he had met some woman online and i believe it was either their first or second date and she had already introduced her three sons to him!!! well that scared the hell out of him and he was gone in a heartbeat. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 11:49:34 AM | now heres the thing here guys every relationship ive ever had has been atleast a year. i didnt meet her children till like the 7th month but they grew on me and they grew fast it was an amazing thing......yes i was introduced as a friend and after a while....it was like i was a dad for a while a year and some odd months not sure how many i was coming home and making dinner just like you would a family....ufortunately i didnt realise that my partner wasnt happy with the Navy life and we had to leave. i love her very much and im considered a family friend but the pain of loosing the children strangly hurts more than loosing her....i deal with this pain every day they are the first things i think about in the morning and the last things on my mind when i fall asleep. its been 3 months now and im just starting to date again but as i said before im affraid of going through that pain another time. i cant replace what i lost....but when you get to that point with anyone it hurts tremendousely.......i just need a way to ease myself off if thats the case.  | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 12:28:50 PM | For a 21 year old, I say maybe stay away, unless her children are older and maybe a tad more independant and has friends he/she can spend a lot of time with. You want someone who's going to give you some attention and give you a relationship that you can both truely focus on.
I don't doubt that you're a nice guy that you can be with a lady with children (I was the same when I was much younger too) but you need to have fun in life too.
You're 21. Have fun, date ladies, get laid once or twice in the process (Don't wanna hear "I'm a pig comments", thank you) start a relationship with a lady who actually has the ability to put her focus on you and the relationship, and get out with your friends and family. The kids will come later, and later will come sooner than you think, so enjoy your 20s while you can! | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 1:22:20 PM |
girl couldnt hack the navy life
It's not an easy one... can't really blame her, can you? I'm a former military wife, but I will always consider myself a military spouse... he's still in. It's not an easy life and takes a really special woman to be able to cope with it. I was never dependant on him... I think that's key.
As for your question.. I agree. It's difficult to control who you have feelings for. Fall in love with the woman, her kids will naturally be a part of that. There's no control. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 3:16:18 PM | | My philosophy is don't date women with children only have sex with them. That's how you can keep from getting slaughtered. | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 3:17:23 PM | | Why do you date women with children in the first place? | |
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| women with children
Posted: 11/23/2008 3:20:29 PM | I totally agree with 28florida. I have never introduced my son to any of the men I had gone on dates or even dated and my reasoning is specifically because of your concern. I do not want my son to be attached to anyone that wasn't going to be around for long.
I probably wouldn't introduce him until things got pretty serious and about 6 months in, something like that. | |
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