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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?      Home login  
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 Pezra
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 1
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I met someone on here approx 5 months ago. He contacted me first.. he is married and was looking for email/chat. Soon became apparent that the connection we made had the potential to be more than that... I've cut all ties with him, hes married with young children and although we never met in person our relationship was starting to cross bounderies. Did I do the right thing or am I just being a bit straight laced? He is married.. he shouldn't be developing strong feelings for someone else right? Cheating doesn't just have to be physical does it?
 ValentinoScaramanga
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 2
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 8:22:17 AM
I think you've done the right thing and well done for respecting not only yourself, but his family too

Kind regards,

V
 woody79_00
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 3
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 8:27:12 AM
of course you did the right thing!

good for you!

its wonderful to see another person with principle and integrity on here! Excellent Job girl, your setting very good standards!
 Alkalineprincess
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 4
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 8:35:47 AM
you absolutely did the right thing. Thank you for not being one of those vapid home wreckers, your actions speak volumes about your character and I truly hope you find some one deserving of you. A good woman is hard to find, or so I hear, and you my dear lady sound like a good woman. Kudos!
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 5
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 8:40:46 AM

although we never met in person our relationship was starting to cross bounderies. Did I do the right thing or am I just being a bit straight laced? He is married.. he shouldn't be developing strong feelings for someone else right? Cheating doesn't just have to be physical does it?


Straight-laced? Yep, I think so, from the sketchy facts you provide, most of which are laden with judgment, your judgment, although it sounds as if you did dally with him for a while after the connection became "more than that". I have yet to encounter anyone on this site who cannot keep the "internet relationship" concept in perspective. You did not meet him. The "worst", then, that could happen within the limits apparently already set was some sort of verbal sexual exchange. You could have pretty easily limited that activity as well without "cutting off all ties" with him. You don't say much about your own feelings for him, your own complicity. Was he a "good" man? Is it possible that he'd have sorted this out of his own volition? Or even with some help from you?
I believe that sex is a very powerful urge, probably right behind self-preservation. And it WILL out.
I wonder whether you have developed the ability to maintain a friendship with a man. Not a mere acquaintance. And over time. There will be times when that friendship will lean one way or the other, and the sexual element is sufficiently weighty to tilt the ship considerably. I have known a woman since we met in 7th grade. Since that time, we have each gone through phases where we wanted the other physically, but never at the same time. It's remarkable, really, to me. But we have remained very good friends throughout.
I search for women to be friends, and make contact, here and elsewhere, with quite a few. One of those, just one, will be the ultimate lover I envision. Lol. But I dearly hope that I can retain close friendships with several others.
While certainly some differ, it seems to me that our interactions with other humans on this planet account for well over half of the quality of our life experience, and perhaps more. Each "connection" is not all bliss and frivolity, but carries some downsides, obligations, etc. I value connections ("connect" is one of my favorite words).
Don't squander your connections; you will enjoy a finite number in your lifetime.
 KISS MY A$$
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 6
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:01:38 AM
I never befriend a married man unless I am introduced and become friends with his wife as well. The married men friends I have I see in social circles . I do not try to build intimate friendships or even casual little chat relationships with them. He does not need me as a best friend or confidant or pass time.
Yes you are straight laced. That's good. Keep it straight and draw a thick line with married men.
There are many forms of infidelity. Your are right. He should not be "developing strong feelings for someone else". If he told you this he is a player. Cheating does not have to be physical. I put myself in the wifes shoes. Is this man saying or acting with me in any way that would offend that woman, or hurt her. There is your barometer.
 MarionMystery
Joined: 4/15/2008
Msg: 7
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:09:22 AM
I feel you made the right judgement call. Sadly, a lot of married men on here claim to only be looking for "friendship" or "chat/email" when in reality they are wanting more.

I don't know how many married men have contacted me "just to chat" then after a bit they go into a pity story about how their wife no longer will have sex with them or they no longer have feelings for her but are keeping it together for the kids then make it clear to me they are looking for something "seirous on the side". When a married man (or man with a girlfriend) goes into that territory I quickly put on the brakes. If he continues, I also cut all ties. I have seen first hand what another woman can do to a marriage and I REFUSE to ever be that "other woman". I'll leave the homewrecking to someone else.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 8
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Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:11:46 AM

I met someone on here approx 5 months ago. He contacted me first.. he is married and was looking for email/chat. Soon became apparent that the connection we made had the potential to be more than that...

OP -- unless I miss my guess, didn't you post recently that you and your hubby split some 5 months ago? Now this new post suggests that you met a new man here, in the same time frame?

Wow...I've seen people rebound quickly, but not ever THAT quickly...at least, not since I was a teen when you'd break up with someone on a Monday and by Wednesday you'd have a new mate.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but either A) you aren't telling us the whole story (broke up 5 months ago/seeing someone "new" around the same time...hmm...) or B) you're on of those types that just seriously can't be alone and require another human being to validate their existence.

I'd suggest that you work on yourself and get comfortable being alone. Rushing into a new relationship will end up seeing you more miserable than the one you left.


 Pezra
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 9
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:20:36 AM
You don't say much about your own feelings for him, your own complicity. Was he a "good" man? Is it possible that he'd have sorted this out of his own volition? Or even with some help from you?

I liked him very much and became very attached to him. At first. They way he was with me jarred with my own experiences with my soon to be ex-Husband. Had we carried on it would only have been a matter of time before we got together in person and that would have been a disaster on many levels.
 Pezra
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 10
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:23:31 AM
OP -- unless I miss my guess, didn't you post recently that you and your hubby split some 5 months ago? Now this new post suggests that you met a new man here, in the same time frame?

Wow...I've seen people rebound quickly, but not ever THAT quickly...at least, not since I was a teen when you'd break up with someone on a Monday and by Wednesday you'd have a new mate.

I came on here looking for friends and to pass some time!
 all.you.need
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 11
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:26:51 AM
You're a 32 yr old separated Mom. Do you really even have to ask the question of whether it was a good idea not to continue communicating with a married man that was crossing the line and you were finding yourself attracted to him? You should have never communicated with him the moment you learned he was married - period. It's a no brainer.
 ~Hello~
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 12
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:31:50 AM

I never befriend a married man unless I am introduced and become friends with his wife as well.


The ONLY men I communicate with on this site are either Free and Single or it is in a forums thread. I have received an private message or 2 from a man with a partner, I let them know that I Don't have any interest in befriending someone who has someone to talk to. If they moan about relationship issues or say crap like "she doesn't understand me.." blahblahblah .. Any attempt to get me to lower my standards or ignore my principles, I'm pretty quick to block/delete.

Leaves me free to chat with those who are available and perhaps up my chances to meet My partner .. not someone elses.
 read only
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 13
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:38:35 AM
I always tell people to listen to their inner voice, and you did. It didn't seem right from the get go and you recognized that. As others have given their advice, as soon as he said married, unhappily or not, you should have been very quickly.

I can see why he was attracted to you , but being married he should have never of done that.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 14
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:41:29 AM
Did you do the right thing? Duh, I am amazed that you would even have to ask that question. Although I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, I would be highly suspect of any married man who is on a dating site looking to make “friends”. IMO, this is absolutely the worse venue for a married person to seek out “friendship”. Truthfully, how could you have NOT seen this asshat coming from miles away?
 BryWithAYFromCA
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 15
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Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:49:06 AM
My policy is not only not to date MARRIED but not to date SEPARATED or divorced for only a short while or morbidly still connected to the past relationship.

You did the right thing . . . he, however had better seriously evaluate his situation and motives.

There are plenty of good men out there. Hold on to your heart until you find one.
But don't be afraid to go out on a few exploratory dates or friend-dates.

Best of luck.

Bry
 Machiavel31
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 16
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Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 9:53:20 AM
That was kind of a prudish move.

This is the internet. You think because a guy gets married he's never going to have feelings for other women?

C'mon. It's a victimless crime.
 GGarbo
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 17
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:28:27 AM

C'mon. It's a victimless crime.

Until his wife starts getting ticked off because she's not getting his attention and starts checking his email to find exactly where he is spending his time.

There is a line when you are in a relationship that if you cross, you are putting that relationship in jeopardy. I don't get involved in friendships with married men unless I'm friends with their wife too. You will find that most women who can carry on platonic friendships with men can see just how important it is to include his spouse in that friendship.

Many men who try this are seeking a certain intimacy that they should be getting from their wife. I most certainly won't help a man neglect his relationship.

I have had male friends over the years where there was no sexual attraction between either of us. One would often come to me for advice in his relationships the difference is he actually wanted advice to make things work and as his friend, I made efforts to put his girlfriend at ease and involve her in the friendship. My advice was often, stop being a chicken and talk to your gf. I've had other men who have confided in me because they are looking for intimacy and it was a good excuse. I think on some level most people can kind of pick up on the difference between the two.

As the old saying goes, if he cheats (even emotionally) with you, he'll do it to you later on.
 curveyone
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 18
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:29:53 AM
i congratulate you and yes you did the right and smart thing. i've always wondered about men who are looking for a *penpal*. it just seems wrong to me and i'd never get involved with any of them. why can't he just talk to his wife or significant other?? why does he need a penpal and why does it have to be a member of the opposite sex?? i get suspicious when i see ads like that. seems to me they are really looking to cheat on their spouses and hopefully find a f*ck buddy in the process.
 Machiavel31
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 19
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Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:33:47 AM

There is a lie in a relationship that if you cross, you are putting that relationship in jeopardy


Explain to me how it's YOUR problem if he's the one taking the risk?

You're not responsible for the decisions he makes.

I think the reality of the decision this girl made was that she was competing in something that was overly complicated and she didn't feel up to it.

She makes it sound like it's an ethical decision. It's not. It's a tactical decision.
 Pezra
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 20
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:39:36 AM
OI! I can speak for myself!!!

It wasn't a tactical decision.. I never wanted him to leave his Wife. My Husband left me for someone else and I put a profile on PoF to pass the time and hopefully meet new people of both sexes for friendship after he left. I wasn't expecting things to take the turn between us that they did. I called time on it when I did because I have been the hapless, oblivious Wife who didn't have a clue what was going on right under her nose and I didn't want to be part responsible for doing the same to someone else whether it was intentional or not.
 all.you.need
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 21
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:45:29 AM
Pezra,

I feel incredibly sorry for your children and for all children who end up in such dysfunctional families. Their Daddy leaves them for "some woman", then Mommy is chatting it up for months with some "married guy" (who just happens to also be "someone's Daddy). Where are the strong role models for your children? The Mom and Dad who model for your children, relationships - and honor and integrity and commitment and faithfulness and that marriage vows aren't just "words" but a sacred promise put into action. So much irresponsibility, selfishness, disregard for marriage and commitment and family. How incredibly sad.
 Machiavel31
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 22
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Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 10:45:33 AM

I called time on it when I did because I have been the hapless, oblivious wife who didn't have a clue what was going on right under her nose


Ok, this is a more honest response. You did what you did because you can empathize with the other woman.

But that's a self interested decision, not an ethical or altruistic one.

Then again, maybe his wife doesn't care as much as you did, we don't know the whole story here.

Maybe she likes the fact that he comes on here to be intellectually intimate with someone else so he's not cheating on her IRL.
 Pezra
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 23
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 11:01:35 AM
all.you.need - my children are my children. They are not privy to my personal life. I do not involve them nor do I ask their opinions. They were not involved in my friendship and I can hardly control their Father walking out although I do conceed that is takes two make a marriage and two to wreck it.

Easy to be judgemental on other peoples parenting skills when you have non of your own. This thread is not about good parenting so I would thank you not to pass judgment on that particular topic.
 pinciperro
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 24
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 11:02:06 AM
You know that you did the right thing. Why you need validation from a group of strangers is beyond me.
If I were your mother, I would be proud of this decision.
Now, stick to it and do not let him interfere in your unsettled life again.
 Aurora772
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 25
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 11:05:44 AM
Yes. If boundaries are crossed, it's clear that he doesn't respect you. You did the right thing. Cheating isn't just about physically doing the deed -- cheating is wanting someone else more than the person you're married to or have agreed to be exclusive with.
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