| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:32:30 PM | I was in a relationship with a woman for over a year and a half.
It ended because I felt I was mistreated in so many ways; I couldn’t deal with her disrespect, anger, selfishness, and her unwillingness to communicate. She has a young teenage son who unfortunately is the recipient of her anger and disrespect as well. He and I developed a great friendship with each other; we continue to talk to each other on a weekly basis. He recently asked me if I would ‘help’ him buy a nice gift so he could give it to his mother for Christmas, he wants to get her a gift that costs $150.
He has no money nor does he get an allowance from his mother….so I would be the one purchasing the item.
I’m divided on what I should do; I do not care for her at all as a person, yet he and I have a friendship between us. I feel sorry for him in so many ways…his mother mistreats him, his father is not a part of his life, and he has very little compared to what most kids have today.
I would like to help him but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:35:14 PM | If you want to be a real and good role model for this young man, you should teach him that money doesn't bring women happiness and to NOT spend money he doesn't have or cannot afford. Those lessons are the best ones you can teach this young man. Secondly - he clearly does need a good adult in his life, especially because how a young man forms his "innards" is based on those who influence him - he's attached to you, and you're a safe place for him. Try to maintain the relationship with him, if you can. For his sake.
Good luck! | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:38:34 PM | | I have no idea what your actual situation is, but if it were me I think I would explain to him that the gift wouldn't actually be from him if you paid for it....it would be from you. I would encourage him to make a personal gift for his mother, something he can create with his own hands and imagination. Maybe it would open her heart. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:39:18 PM | I agree - you should sit down with him and brainstorm about other gifts he could get her that would be within his means. And if he's a teen, maybe he could be doing odd jobs to earn some money - maybe even working for you?
I'm glad you're still close with him, though. He likely needs you more than you know. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:40:08 PM | | Why does he need to spend $150 on a gift, why not $25 or $50 at the most? It's the thought that counts. Or doesn't it? | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:41:32 PM | do you and he still see each other at all? if so, perhaps he could work for the money from you - maybe do some chores or help out in some way... or is there a nearby store that could use some after school help... or snow shoveling/baby sitting/other business he could do himself...
i don't think it's appropriate for you to basically buy the gift for her, especially such an expensive one, she might take it the wrong way...but i understand how much her son would appreciate the help and i think it's great that you're still in his life, it sounds like he needs you much more than just financially...
maybe you could suggest other things that he could give or do for her, in lieu of the gift he's already thinking about... what does he normally do when it comes time to give her a present, if he has no money?
good luck | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:44:53 PM | You have no business giving him that sum of money and quite truthfully you have no business being his friend either.
It will only be misconstrued and cause complications in his life, and yours. Cut all ties. It is totally inappropriate. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:49:00 PM | Not appropriate at all. If you really like the kid you'll pay him to wax your car or rake your yard. But do not hand him $150. Most parents wouldn't do that, or appreciate someone who did. so as an Ex BF it is even more pointless.
If he is a teen he should get a job. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:56:59 PM | He wants to buy her a new cell phone, she definitely needs a new one. I did suggest working it off as payment, that might be the best route to go.
When we were together I ‘helped’ her out tremendously in so many ways, I’m concerned that he will continue to expect that I’ll always be there to help them when they need something. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:13:44 PM | If this young man is in need of a friend than I suggest you direct him to an acredited Big brothers program.
If I had a young teenage son and his friend was a grown man i would not be comfortable with that at all. If it was one of my ex boyfriends, then I would not like that at all times 10.
Think smart. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:32:25 PM | It kinda smells like he may be trying to get you two back together. Using the excuse of a expensive gift that his mother is sure to ask where he got the money for. So as a result guess what... perfect time for him to mention it really came from you and to maybe put words in your mouth. Never underestimate the cunning of the mind of a youth.
You would do him better by explaining to him that it is not about the gifts, but it is about the togetherness and to spend time enjoying the company of family/friends that is what Christmas is all about. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/23/2008 8:01:04 PM | Charlie, my heart goes out to your young friend.
I would help the kid. He is not going to score any points with his mother, because I can hardly think that a gift or even an act of god could change her personality. But it's the kid who loves his mother. The gift is only part of trying to get his mother to change her ways toward him. Another function of the gift is for the kid to feel he pleased his mother.
It's a funny thing. Boys can never hate their mothers. Girls can, they can intensely hate their moms, despite still doing everything that their mothers asks or orders them to do, the girls see through it when their mom manipulate them or abuse them. Boys are different; if a mother straight and downright abuses the boy, and all his friends and relatives tell him he's a victim of his vicious mother, the boy still won't turn against his mother, even in the deep dark recesses of his soul. No, the boy will continue worshipping his mother, no matter what.
So when you give the $150 to the kid to help him please his mother, you won't score with the kid, the kid's not going to score with her, but you'll give the kid the gift to gift his mother.
I'd suggest that you make the kid sign a contract that will force him to either pay you back the monies for the gift or else indemnify you in some other way -- nothing illegal or immoral, I suggest, it doesn't even have to be worth money, maybe you ask him to promise you to cut your grass or wash your car a number of times. He'll be happy to sign, and everyone's going to be cool.
If you'd be doing this to impress the mother, my guess is that that would be good money thrown after the bad. She's inappeasable, she's selfish, she's cruel -- let her be. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:14:56 AM | Charlie,
I agree with GoneSailin, Starry Night and others. This ain't gonna work. If you truly value this young man, you would be doing him a huge favor by teaching him that gifts are NOT about money. Far better would be to help him create something with his own hands (and heart) and you could help out by buying the materials.
If she really needs a new cell phone, she can go out and buy herself one.
Gifts must come from the heart, not the wallet.
A final thought, Have you heard about Borderline Personality Disorder? (BPD) From your brief description I suspect his mom has it. Things to look for: insecurity especially w/regards abandonment, manipulation of those around her (yourself, her son) and very strong denial combined with blaming others. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:54:14 AM | Charlie,
First off, I commend you on choosing too keep the relationship you have built with this kid.  It is soo important for teens to have good role models.
To answer your question, I'll give you advice on how I treat the subject of money with my own son. This past Summer Max wanted a new Mongoose trick bike. I told him If he came up with half, I'd cover the other half. He did his chores and saved to get it and now he's the sooooo proud owner of a fricken SWEET BIKE! (one that I would have loved to have when I was his age). Now he wants a Pocket Rocket motorcycle. (gas, he has an electric at his mom's) This summer (at age nine, now ten) he started mowing our's and the neighbors yard and he will be shoveling two driveways this winter. He's made $120.00 this past summer and depending on how winter goes, he will have the money for his Motorcycle come spring.
If I was in your shoes, I would encourage the boy too find ways to make his own money. The biggest thing you will be doing by doing this is to teach him to help himself and that you need to work if you want something.
Good luck, Me | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:12:46 AM |
quite truthfully you have no business being his friend either.
It will only be misconstrued and cause complications in his life, and yours. Cut all ties. It is totally inappropriate.
If this young man is in need of a friend than I suggest you direct him to an acredited Big brothers program.
Utter nonsense!! The Big Brothers Program has far too few voluteers. If ye already has a personal relationship with a child that is having some serious difficulties with his single mother and it is supported by mom then it is a great and comendable thing. What is so wrong about it?
Now if he is doing it behind moms back then yes, it is a poor choice. I can not understand why you would discourage a man that was already in his life to abandon the child.
OP as far as the money is concerned, I would either refuse or if an arrangement can be made (and you can afford it) Have him work the money off. But under no circumstance are you suppossed to become his bank account! | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:27:51 AM |
the gift wouldn't actually be from him if you paid for it....it would be from you. .....That's rubbish. This guy is merely the financier NOT the person personally involved.
OP is there a way that this young man can earn $150? Maybe wash your car every month for ten months or do some gardening for you?
This young man must learn that he needs to work his way through life, and that NOTHING is free.
To purchase a gift you have worked for is worth so much more than to be 'given' a gift at someone elses expense. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 6:59:54 AM | | There is plenty of time between now and Christmas to earn $150.00. Show him how & continue showing him how to be a SOLID young man.......there`s not enough of that going around these days. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 7:40:55 AM | | I don't think you should be handing over $150 to a kid just because...He needs to learn the value of labor. If you are able to maintain contact with him and are respecting the mother's boundaries, give him some chores to do to earn the money, but better than that, just let him know how much you'd like to help him out and then suggest some things that aren't costly. Krylon macaroni cigar boxes or something. Don't hand over $150 -not only is it too much, but it's undeserved. He can write her a letter of his appreciation to his mother or something. Moms are liking that stuff. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 7:42:01 AM | | Do it for him. I agree with English Lass. Have him do some work for you or for any of your friends that may be in need of some labor. That will teach him that nothing is free in life, and enable him to tell his mother that he worked for the money if she asks. I have an ex-girlfriend with children in a really similar situation. I still like to do stuff with her kids now and then. There's always that risk. Every now and then she does the "you're the only good man I've ever known. Let's try again" thing. That's never going to happen because it's human nature to take things for granted at some point in time with her, but at least I'll know that I tried to set a good example for her children. That's not a guarantee that they won't end up on the street or in prison, but at least they'll have a basis for comparison when making life decisions. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:05:50 AM | Op, what a sticky situation. I got close with an ex's son once too and cutting off contact with him was harder than it was his father. His father was a jerk...no brainer but his boy was so sweet and thoughtful. I made more money than my ex so I would occasionally slip the mother some cash for milk kind of thing. Here and I actually got along quite well. I take kids pretty seriously so started making my ex spend time with his son and exercise his visitation rights. Instead of his kid sitting around the apt though we'd take him sledding and do fun things.
Apparently he asked about me for quite awhile after I left. I felt like crap for doing it but I thought the best thing to do was cut off contact. I'm not his parent and even though one parent was poor and the other a jackass, it still was not my place to interfere and be involved. I really wanted no more contact with my ex and I would have had him still in my life if I let this child in.
As for the gift, some of the gifts my mom loved the most when were growing up poor were the ones we made her. They didn't even have to be good, she just loved we spent time doing it for her. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:27:00 AM | | I think it's great that you have remained friends with the young man, after years of dismissing the role of fathers in childrens lives, people are finally coming around that a positive male influence is as important as the female role. sit the boy down and talk to him, $150. is a goodly sum, help him find something more fitting his place in life. when my son was younger we would go shopping for gifts for the holidays I never stopped him from getting a gift for his mother, different situation, same result..... | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:36:12 AM | Interesting... I'm with those who believe he's probably trying to get the two of you back together. Also, it strikes me that this is rather a large favor to ask - at that age, I personally would never have even thought of asking anyone for the $75.00 or so that I think would've been roughly the equivalent then. He may be picking up some bad habits after all in terms of greed and manipulation. It's pushy at best to ask anyone for quite this much, though, to be fair to the child, I recognize it may be borne of desperation.
You likely being a leavening influence on those kinds of things, I'm glad you're staying in contact with him. But he's going to have to earn the ability to give the gift, and I'd go a step further from others who've already suggested that; I also think it'd be better, if some degree of loan is required to reach his goal, that it come from someone other than you. Maybe you can help him with not just ways to earn, but also finding another party who can lend him the difference. That way you avoid even the possibility of having to explain to your ex, "No, I was helping your son, not you." 'Cause, you know, that'd be a fun conversation...
And an alternate gift, especially one he makes, is of course an excellent idea, it just sounds like he has his heart so set on this... yeesh. Good luck!
Oh, and regarding the appropriateness of the friendship, as stated above, I think it's probably a good thing for him. However, if his mother's problems are really that severe... it might be a good idea to avoid ever being alone with him, in order to protect yourself from the possibility (remote, I hope) of false accusations of any kind. It sounds like you and he have mainly a telephone relationship, so I think you're already doing this anyway, though. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:43:48 AM | what an excellent way to learn about friendship! So would you lend a friend 20 bucks IF you knew they would turn around and give it to another so they could buy the drugs they're hooked on?
I think friendship is about unconditional love. In this case the boy is giving the gift. The money will be his to do with as he wishes. At the point you give it away, it is no longer yours.
I believe in this case I would give him the money. Would I continue to do so in the future, it's hard to say, I tend to try to teach others how to fish instead of giving away the fish. But I think you may want to start this new friendship with this simple gift of $150. It's not such a high price. | |
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