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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 12:38:56 AM | By our mid-forties, most of us have been in at least one longterm relationship, and usually more. I was sitting here thinking tonight of what roles I played in the demise of my marriages and longterm relationships. Granted, in some of them I was more to blame than in others, and in one, neither of us was to blame... it was God's choice.
Seriously examining your behaviors, what would you say you did that contributed to the destruction of the relationship, did you realize what you were doing at the time and, knowing what you know now, how would you avoid making the same mistakes?
I'm curious to hear what others might say. Below is in regards to my most recent marriage which ended 4 yrs ago. Unfortunately, much of the same behavior was apparent throughout the others. Being a caretaker and an enabler is difficult to break away from. I was raised to be that way by an alcoholic mother. But I think I finally have succeeded in ending the cycle.
My last marriage was my longest and I was crushed when it collapsed. I was way too much of an enabler and refused to see what drugs were doing to his personality and to his health. I made excuses for him and for the astronomical amount of money he spent on them. I was sure I could fix him if I loved him enough, put up with enough abuse and gave him everything I had financially and emotionally. Didn't work. When the money ran out, so did he. And all that was left was me picking up the pieces of my shattered heart and trying to dig out of the financial wreckage.
I've learn I can't 'fix' anyone, nor do I want to do so. We all have some baggage, but there are some types of luggage that I'm not willing to deal with. I want a partnership. I can't make life perfect and take away all the problems we'll have to deal with. I have to allow him to be a man and stand on his own two feet, with me beside him, instead of trying to shelter him from the harsh realities life has to offer. I have to love him, not smother him. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 2:45:25 AM | I'm not sure when it happens you're consciously aware of it. At times, the relationship is at best, marginal. It's like you can be looking for any opportunity to justify a departure and may grasp onto the most mundane of BS to justify it. I think it's called finding an out.
Your case is different. You entered a relationship that 9 out of 10 dentists wouldn't recommend. If you realize you've been behaving like this for years - well it's a step. Me? I had a pretty thick bubble around me that allowed people to get close - but not that close. My baggage ensured that. Perhaps with men, me anyway, the smothering is the difficult part. Men are different and when a women tries to change you, subtle suggestions etc... it pushes you away. It's more of a except me as I am or get out of my life.
I'm not sure about your statement about contributing to the destruction of the relationship. I've inadvertently wrecked one and would have given the world to have another chance and it never came. So perhaps it's more about learning from your mistakes. If you haven't learned, and it appears your still taking that lesson, then it's prudent to back off, cool the jets and take the time to figure out what must change.
Greg | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 3:19:56 AM | You know I didn't really have any problems with relationships until after my divorce and then my huge mistake was thinking that all men would be like my ex husband, a good guy. So I thought if I was the same woman I was when I was married everything would be just dandy. Well...needless to say, I was wrong. Since my divorce, there was one relationship that was very meaningful (with a man a lot like my ex) and another relationship that later turned into a good friendship, other than that most of my time spent in the dating zone has been less than eventful.
A month or so ago, I was on the brink of getting involved with a man who was somewhat older than me, however, he was charming and amusing and I very much enjoyed him and I thought you know, maybe...just maybe, but there was that feeling the knawing feeling of something just was not right. Knowing that in the past my picker has been way OFF, based on my fantasy that all men would be like my ex husband, I wrote to a man who I have always been friendly with and who for the past year or so I have corresponded with as "friends" there was always a bit the mutual admiration soceity thing going on, but I always felt that he was somewhat out of my grasp, both intellectually and emotionally, however, whenever I needed advice, he was always there for me particularly during very emotional times and I knew he was on a much higher plane than I. So again, I wrote to him, told him about the impending situation and he was so kind to me and advised me on what to do and he gave me fair and sound advice that made me realize why the impending person of interest, was again not the right choice for me. Shortly, after that, I was sitting at my desk in front of the computer, head in my hands, thinking "Why is this so hard...you have done this before" and immediately, he popped into my head. Again, I wrote to him and asked him "What does it take for a man like "you" to be attracted to a woman?" And again, he was gracious and kind when he wrote back, but the woman he used as an example in his response to me, was me and he pointed out all the things he saw in me and in a way, wrote me a "love letter" that was written by a friend who truly had my best interest at heart and told me why, a man like him, would want a woman like me. Well, after reading that, I realized what my mistakes had been and things became very clear. I had been making the wrong choices based on what "had been" and not what "could be" basically, my picker had been broken based on my own long held beliefs on who "I should be" with and not who "I could be" with. That night was the night my picker got fixed, just by making a choice, a bold choice, but a right choice. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 4:45:36 AM | yes, i destroyed my one-and-only marriage single-handedly and with gusto and i'm damn proud of it. the man was lucky i didn't shoot him like a dirty dog in the street.
(he was mean and abusive to me and the kids but of course it was all MY fault, lol. c'mere, i'll show ya mean you b@stard)
other than that, i've had a series of LTRs that just pretty much ran their course after a couple of years. they were truly fun while they were lasted, and then it was just like... meh! time to go.
i agree with you, op, that i'm looking for a partnership. something with more substance and permanence than two years of fun & frolic. i have made the mistake of removing my own critical thought processes about one relationship and stayed way too long past the useful shelf life. never again. other than that, my problem is that i'm more or less interested in moving on with my life in various ways, while everybody else i've met pretty much wants to stay right where they are now.
it taught me that perhaps i'm eternally doomed to a maximum two-year attention span. well at my age, there's not too many of those left to endure, so it's all good, LOL.
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 5:56:03 AM | Thanks Filly for a good thread and Lass for a nice post.
How did I help in destroying my past relationships? My own fear and inability to speak from my soul helped in the collapse. Too afraid to just be me and always projecting a false image of what I was “supposed” to do as opposed to just being who I was as best as I could at the time. Hiding in protection hurt me far more in the end than the hurt I was trying to protect myself from.
I didn’t get everything I could possibly be out of a relationship because I was too afraid to give of myself. My own desire while waiting for a specific outcome, kept me closed to all of the possibilities beyond my illusions. That was the greatest fault I brought to the relationship.
A bit of introspection can be a very humbling thing. I’m doing my dangdest to not repeat the past and keep an open mind. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 6:28:22 AM | It's like you can be looking for any opportunity to justify a departure and may grasp onto the most mundane of BS to justify it. I think it's called finding an out.
Well, I haven't had a relationship for eight years. I've had the glimmer of one, once. So, how did I help destroy it? Apparently, I'm the wrong nationality and live in the wrong country. But, I really do think it was mundane BS. Thus, I don't communicate with American guys anymore. In fact, I don't get too ga-ga about anyone who lives at a distance.
Secondly, I smoke. So, that seems to be a dealbreaker too. So, if a new guy wants to meet me, I re-iterate the fact that I smoke. And, if he doesn't like smokers, he's not wasting my time.......... nor I, his.
Thirdly, if a guy expects me to climb mountains, scuba, jog, lift heavy wieghts etc. I'm not the girl for him either.
So perhaps it's more about learning from your mistakes.
Yep, learned the lesson. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 6:30:53 AM | | My first marriage I stayed long after the expiration date, we slept in separate bedrooms for the last five years, he had 10 different jobs in 10 years and finally realized he wasn't able to keep a job due to his drinking. I was working so hard to keep our heads above water and with two small children you just get numb to the conditions you are living in. While I dont think I was an enabler to him, I had read that "you should stay for the kids" etc. I realized I was reliving my dreams with my daughter. A simple statement by her was "But Mommie, Im not you!", woke me up to what I was doing and I thought this is insane, part of being a GOOD parent isnt staying in a bad relationship for the kid's sake, but teaching your children if they have made a mistake to work to correct it. You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 7:28:45 AM | My story is similar to yours, ForumFilly, except he didn't leave when the money was gone and he had bankrupted me, and I loved him too much to let him go but I never quite forgave and forgot either. And maybe I was kinda scared... not knowing what I would do and how I would survive as a single income household with no credit. 1995 was a a bad year but it led us to make some positive changes which brought about some busy, happy, productive and successful years. Unfortunately, stuff like that doesn't last with addicts. When push came to shove I just couldn't lose anymore. I was 40-something, tired of starting over and feeling like the kids and I were the only ones who made sacrifices while he got everything he wanted. I became very resentful and maybe I had a right to be but I didn't like it and I didn't like me or what it did to me. I was angry all the time... sometimes with him and sometimes with myself. I was too resentful, tired and busy for sex. I couldn't take a couple of seconds to stop what I was doing for a simple hug and kiss. When coffee in bed became something he expected without gratitude or reciprocation instead of a loving and thoughtful gesture on my part, I stopped doing it.
I won't even go into other prior relationships cuz they were nothing compared to this man, the love I felt for him, the history we shared, or the lengths and depths I was willing to go for him. Everything I needed to know about love I learned from that one man, that one relationship. The crazy thing is now that I know what love is and isn't, what I do and don't want from/in a relationship, I'm not willing to give as much of myself as I know it takes. I believe I could sustain a relationship (with an emotionally healthy person) while holding my own and not losing myself (which is another mistake I've made in the past), but I just refuse to go there. It's kinda ironic and sad... but safe. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 8:02:08 AM | My problem is not destroying them soon enough. (the bad ones)
What I have learned:
-I must always stick to my values and stick up for myself when someone does or says something I don't like. Don't always agree with him. That way the bad ones will show threw sooner and the good ones will show that they care enough about me.
-If my feelings go up and down a lot really look into why cause maybe its time to destroy it.
-You can't change someone... but you can destroy the relationship and be happy alone and then eventually be happy with someone awesome.
-Being alone after being in a something that should have been destroyed a long time ago is really something to look forward to and fun!
-Most of the time when I am finally single I realize I should have done this way sooner! | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 8:53:46 AM | I have learned that what i thought was love is clearly parental love...that i expected another human to solve my value is a big kick in my own azz(and like me back than: he expected the same...very unhealthy expectaion of what adult love is)
From a template of the relationships i had, i simply over lap and cull all of the common denomonator...........me.
I learned to respect that his self esteem is his pizz pot to deal and mine is mine...that the healthy relationship happens after both of those values are intact.(otherwise your his mommy or your lookin for a warped view of adult respect for self!!!solid in that value indeed!)
i have learned to redirect people back to self cuz guess what...they don't even have a clue what beautiful human lives under all that confusion....
Life is what you need not what you want..<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0> me thinks.
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 11:15:09 AM | But it was all her fault. I didn’t do anything. And before her, it was her fault ... and her’s too, way back when. I’ve just never been able to find someone who didn’t screw things up.
Seriously though ... what did I do to help screw things up ?? Are you kidding ?? Want a list ?? I think there’s a post-length limit on this site. Let’s just say that as we pass through our years, we learn things. We make mistakes, we screw up, and if we have any brains about ourselves at all, we’ll learn something from our screw-ups.
There sure is a lot to learn, isn’t there ??
cdn guy | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 11:57:52 AM | yup.......................but clarity is a true blessing to adding to the value of our character...i am of the opinion that to choose to be complacent in recovering our part is the undoing of the significants of life.
i feel blessed to finally see the mirror and smile at myself and know the battle of truth has just begun....hence a revived NEW WORLD to expore.....
set those rockets up in the horizan of your future and your NEW WORLD looks pretty dang fine indeed. cheers to all the people who can grasp that context and hugs to those who are on the way to finding it...and the lazy ones who sit on there azz in their own character.....pooor poor me.set that boot of yours in your own azz and your amazed at what the heck you pull out.
edit:heck not laffin at pity...but recognizing it as a stage of growth to which all can relate in the recovery of your mojo. learnin to laff at your own old azz is indeed a right of passage into significants of life. have a sun shinney day every lil fishie indeed! | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 12:11:50 PM | I think I'm with cdn guy on this one!
After long months of introspection and analysis, I finally figured out that in my last two relationships I quite simply took them, and the love I thought was there, for granted. I neglected to keep romance alive, and perhaps forgot how to be fun for them to be with.
What have I learned? Don't take love for granted and become complacent. You actually have to work at keeping love fresh and alive. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 12:47:18 PM | Don't know if 'destruction' is necessarily an operative word in my instance.
I think that being so easy going made me rather complaisant and, seemingly, a 'door mat', all under the guise of 'compromise' in order to keep the relationship intact.
I realize now, of course, that a disagreement doesn't always mean an 'end' to the relationship. And, if standing up for what you believe and want from life & love makes the other person go away.....so be it. You grieve and move on.
The last LTR that I had, I really did try to communicate to him what I was feeling and was interested in seeing where the two of us could go with it.....the answer was a "What? Why can't we keep it status quo?" ! I'm afraid I just let the whole thing just fizzle out, rather than cutting it off completely. Fortunately, the time between the 'yes' and the 'no ways' are getting shorter and shorter....from a 12 yr. marriage down to the first 1-2 emails! HA! | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 1:24:39 PM | By not voicing my opinions loud and clear, I allowed him to take advantage of me. I am no longer codependent on someone else's needs. This has taught me as always "to thine own self be true". I now do what makes me happy first and foremost. It's okay for me to come first. I accept that now.  | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 1:56:31 PM | The way I 'destroyed' my past relationships was by trusting TOO much, and not hearing that voice in my head that SCREAMED 'something aint rite here'. Actually, that was the last relationship...20 yrs worth. I wont make that mistake again though, I have learned that that little voice KNOWS what my heart is avoiding hearing or seeing. I have to say though, that perhaps in being so trusting, I also learned how to become a better listener...to all things, not just what is said (because a lot of what goes UNsaid speaks volumes).
I have learned a lot about me in the 8 yrs alone now, and Im actually glad he was the lying rat he eventually showed himself to BE...if not for that, I would have gone blindly along for who knows how much more and ended up with a lot less of ME to climb out of that hole he dug. I have to admit though, one doesnt dig you IN unless you allow yourself to be covered in dirt at some point....wont make that mistake again.
I am optimistic though, even if it doesnt sound like it. I know there are great men out there, who are honest to a fault and would no sooner lie about what they do, or who with, than they would slap their own mothers. I hold out hope to find that ONE thats searching for me too. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 2:13:47 PM | I don't feel I had anything to do with my marriage failure. There were three people in the marriage. They ganged up on me. THEY DID !
Anyway, since my marriage ended and while embarking on new relationships I've found my biggest downfall was myself. I never let a man I adore....know how I felt about him and most likely never will.
I know longer have the pure heart I had before...therefore I don't think it's worthy to give away again. I want to sometimes. Oh I have the feelings, just can not say 'em.
 Because I have a tough facade I've learned to project.....that I will love no man. They are just for fun and companionship.
Nope...notgonnaduit. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 3:28:40 PM | Cuz it shows weakness, I suppose. It makes you vulnerable.
I mean I could love with all my heart, but they'd never know it and move on.
don't make sense does it? I can't help it. I can show it in many ways, but I will always demand nothing in return. It's a comfort zone for me.
The sex part is easier....thank God. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 4:26:35 PM |
Cuz it shows weakness, I suppose. It makes you vulnerable.
Sunny, isn't our vulnerability what makes us human? That we are willing to risk being hurt in order to gain something so valuable as truly being loved? We've all been battered and abused in one way or another, and many of us in multiple ways, but to allow the person(s) who abused us to win by closing ourselves off from finding real love, is the ultimate in defeat. To continue to face the world with an open and loving heart is the ultimate in victory. Loving others doesn't make us weak. Being afraid to love does.
I, too, find your post very sad. | |
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| How did you help destroy prior relationships and what has it taught you?
Posted: 11/25/2008 5:20:37 PM | But see that's where I can't figure it. I'm not sad at all. I often wonder that m'self.
I'm happy go lucky, always in a cheerful mood, always mindful of others' feelings and such. I live an extremely happy, fulfilled life. 
I love those close to me with all my heart, my friends, family and co workers are very special and I love them very much and tell them so. So...like Forest Gump said..."I know what love is..." I am capable of feeling it, but for someone whom I have a romantic love for...the words never leave my tongue. I will never let them know how I feel.
Now the trouble is....I may meet a man just like me and we both feel passionate for each other...and we'll just continue adoring each other from afar. Tweedle dee and Tweedle dum, in la la land ....
Wouldn't that be the schnitz ? !
Ya reckon it's fear ? I dunno. I know it ain't sadness. Sadness hurts and I ain't sad at all. I'm fully capable of opening my heart and loving someone, but just keepin' the words to myself. | |
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