| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 3:24:33 AM | At what point do you start taking back control when someone has hurt you?
Some of you may have seen a thread i posted in Ask a Guy recently called "Would you return out of duty" and some subsequent posts on other related threads.
I finally got to a stage last week where i called him and he confirmed that he had gone back to the wife he divorced two years ago. I pointed out that i had asked in the early days if this was ever a possibility and he swore blind it wasn't. I told him if i had any sense that he still had feelings for her i would not have let myself get involved and his reply was "I am going back because she can't cope with the children on her own........and nothing else"
We talked a bit more and he told me i am the best thing that ever happened to him and he will never forget me and it's killing him to walk away (is it really?) and we agreed he would return some stuff of mine to my neighbours.
At the end of the call he said "Take care of yourself for me" to which i replied "I will take care of myself-FOR ME"
Over a week has gone by and he has still not returned my things (the value etc is not important, some have great sentimental value and it's a principal thing) and during the last week i have had a very dear friend pass away.
Yesterday i went to the funeral and watched a wonderful family say goodbye to a special man and i had a bit of an epiphany.
So i texted him this morning saying "sorry to bother you, but when can you drop my stuff off. I now know your decision although i will never understand your thought process and why you did not talk to me about it. I need to start putting my life back together and it's not fair to stretch this out and knock me back to square one"
I got a reply immediately saying "Thought it would be insensitive with you losing Martin, will drop during next week if thats ok?"
And that's when the light went on in my head! He has hidden behind his kids for the last two weeks and now he is hiding behind the death of my dear friend!!!!!
So i replied "NOW you start considering my feelings, that's a cop out and we both know it! Next week is fine thanx."
Don't get me wrong, i am still heartbroken and i know i will still have bad days, but i also know i will move on from this stronger and better.
So i now feel i am taking back control of my life, and i wondered about others. When was the moment YOU hit that button and drew the line? | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 4:42:35 AM | I guess it happens at the point where fantasy becomes reality. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time, and for the loss of your dear friend. Whatever you need to do to move on is what you have to do, for you.
How can we ever truly know what goes on in our hearts, they lead us to destinations that we could have never imagined. I would just forgive him and let him go. I am facing some stark realities of my own and I know that in the end, everyone will be the wiser for them.  | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 5:44:20 AM | | Taking back control of our lives is something we all do very differently. As for me, I am now 38, and I do this as soon as I see an issue. No matter what it is. I do not want to say I was a "settler" before, but I used to tolorate a lot more than I do now. If you stay in control of things as soon as you see there is an issue, it will make life easier. I also have in the past couple of years. really made changes even as far as friends go. The type of people in my life. If we have people in our lives that are complete drama cases, that is what our lives will be. I got rid of those. We are what we allow. Take care of YOU first, and follow your feelings. It will save you a lot of grief. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 6:24:15 AM | Addy, I have read a couple of your posts and while I know you really loved this man, I have to ask, are you hiding behind this situation with him?
I, myself, in the past have become involved with men that for one reason or another were not available, either due to separation (only once) or they just were emotionally unavailable. And you know...the reason I chose those men was because I wasn't available either. I would seek out the DRAMA because the drama kept me safe from actually feeling something real.
Only you know when you can take back control, but you have to be ready, I speak to you from my heart, because it has just be recently that I have been ready for something REAL, about a month now. And you know, I am still scared as hell, but you what I feel now is exhilerating and open, unlike the drama I felt before which was at best stifling and I kept myself there. As a matter of fact, I have never felt this way before. It took a lot and it continues to take a lot, this is not an easy place to be and I still have moments, I had one last night until someone very dear to me, someone very real made me face my fear with no judgement, because he understands and because he sees in me what I sometimes don't see in myself.
Addy, I understand where you are, believe me I understand and the only way for you to take back control is for you to walk away from where you are now, you just have to be ready. This won't happen overnight and when you do find something that is REAL and someone who is REAL, there will be moments and you will be tempted to go back to what was easy, but don't, move forward...it is OK to be scared, it simply means you are human.
You can hit the button the moment you are ready. This man has chosen to go back to a life that does not include you, I am sorry to be so blunt, now you have to do the same. Your stuff, forget about it. If you get it back fine, if not, it's just stuff. You were correct, you need to take of YOU for YOU and part of taking care of you, is letting go of him, just let go and when you are really ready you will. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 7:32:41 AM | ^^^^I appreciate your comments, but he was and has been emotionally available from day one, as was i. There was no drama to our relationship at any point, only the point where it ended and his subsequent behaviour.
I know it won't happen overnight, but i also know i won't ever go back and maybe that's the point of my post. Up until that text there was a part of me that i knew would waver if asked.
The funeral and the text provided the wake up call i needed to take the lead in my life and as you say go back to my life that no longer includes him and letting him go.
I know him well enough to know that keeping my stuff is a way of keeping a foot in my life and giving him a reason to just turn up at some point with that as his excuse so i am removing that option from him.
I appreciate everything you have said, but the point of my post was that his actions have spurred me into letting go of him and was curious to see when others have reached that point and what was it that suddenly brought them to thier senses. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 12:14:35 PM | Five long years later.
I had to get over a long long long one (20+years).
I would think I had passed it and ... I would slip back.
About two weeks ago - logic FINALLY really did take over.
I was recalling the reasons. I did pass the good vs. bad parts (reasons) months ago but still had relapses.
I was just thinking along and said to myself ....
“Why in the world - would I want her back”
I could not come up with one single reason.
Even the last resort reason (I am sick and tired of being alone in the world) ....... failed.
Even the very last hold out reason ..... just failed.
I was 100% out of reasons to want her back.
There is just no logical reason why - I would want her back.
It is very weird. It is also crazy it took me so long.
I knew all those years that the right gal would have snapped me out of it but - that never happened .......... logic finally finished it.
------
I guess I should add - she screwed with me for three years after she dumped me (came over bOinked me and so on) so that prolonged the entire - getting over it. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 1:31:33 PM | "I am going back because she can't cope with the children on her own........and nothing else"
I too thought staying in a problematic relationship for the sake of children was what is best for all. I know better today...
We talked a bit more and he told me i am the best thing that ever happened to him and he will never forget me and it's killing him to walk away (is it really?) and we agreed he would return some stuff of mine to my neighbors.
Oh sounds like he wants a backdoor to you heart just in case things doesn’t work out between his (and they won’t) ex and himself.. Interesting...
So i texted him this morning saying "sorry to bother you, but when can you drop my stuff off.
Simple request... Regardless of time or event...
"Thought it would be insensitive with you losing Martin, will drop during next week if thats ok?"
Not sure what your ex b/f or you mean by this entry.. Anyway I do hope he will (this time) honor your request..
Don't get me wrong, i am still heartbroken and i know i will still have bad days, but i also know i will move on from this stronger and better.
Good for you and it really sounds like you mean it!
So i now feel i am taking back control of my life, and i wondered about others. When was the moment YOU hit that button and drew the line?
My answer would be when I too have a “epiphany” that nothing I did would change anything she really wanted to happen. That any relationship is doomed whenever only one partner is willing to change. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 4:11:48 PM | Perhaps dropping things right away was not a matter fo top priority. You knwo how it goes with some people you need to change oil in your car and you decide to wait 3-5 days and eventually in happens in 3 weeks. I believe he indeed initially planned to drop your stuff and will do it.
I believe he didn't have any intentions to get back with his ex at the moment you met him but eventually desided to do it for the sake of kids.Will he be frustated to be with here again and contact you later. Very possible. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/27/2008 5:28:57 PM | OP: What "kind of stuff" does he have of yours?
You say there is no real value, etc.
I was dating a guy from here earlier this year, and he ended up breaking it off with a lady he casually dated before me. She went absolutley ballistic because she had left some things at his trailer that she wanted back.
What were they, you ask???
A bottle of baby oil, a pair of pillowcases and a fruit bowl.. !!!
I could not believe that she made such a BIG deal of some totally stupid and worthelss "stuff" 
Too each his own...
~~weeone~~ | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/28/2008 2:43:36 AM | ^^^ He has a key to my home amongst other things and one thing in particular that holds great sentimental value for me for reasons i won't go into.
He asked to borrow it and i was reluctant to be honest because of what it meant to me but he promised to look after it so i capitulated.
The clothes, books and CD's i don't care about as i can replace them but my key and this other item i do want.
And as i said it is a matter of honour. As i said earlier i know him well enough to know he is stretching this out so he can keep a foot in my world and use my belongings as a reason to show up at some point (probably when it all goes wrong with the ex) and i am removing that option from him so i can draw a line under this and move on.
When he finished it with me, out of the blue i asked him to meet me and at least explain and then i could give him back his stuff (including his key) and he could do likewise. He agreed and said he would contact me on the Sunday to arrange it and he didn't.
I drove to his (1.5 hours) to drop his stuff off on the Sunday making sure that i got there when i knew he wouldn't be there as it was obvious he did not want to see me.
I work away a lot so i don't like the thought of someone having a key to my home when i am away hence us agreeing for him to drop stuff at my neighbours. And whilst i want to trust him (about him having my key), i trusted him with far more than that and that didn't really work out to well did it?
If he doesn't bring it back next week i will have to change my lock which is an expense?inconvenience i could do without. I agree with your comments regarding your experience, but this was not a casual relationship from day one. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:56:27 AM | He has a key to my home amongst other things and one thing in particular that holds great sentimental value for me for reasons i won't go into.
Sounds like some very important “stuff” to me and I do hope (like I stated before) he does return what doesn’t belong to him.
One point is that some people (but not always) will keep possessions of their ex’s to leave them a excuse to call or drop by sometimes unexpectedly giving them a reason. We calls these hooks and a way to keep contact open (at their convenience of course) with their ex’s. By doing it this way just in case you tell them to “get lost” they will quickly remind you how they “still” have some of your (the hook) property. Of course if one looks at the other side of this issue it also shows how they lack any real concern or care for the other (ex) person. I mean even past friends should return property that doesn't belong to them. Remember people who are shallow and self-center always work on their own schedule and never yours. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 11/28/2008 11:40:47 AM | When was the moment YOU hit that button and drew the line?
When HE decided that drinking was more important then his family!
OP it may be easier to just change your locks and cut your losses (Does that sound harsh? Hope not). It is pretty empowering just to change the locks and then end the chapter of this saga. | |
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kkaos
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Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 13 | |
| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/3/2008 1:01:45 AM | addy,
I just want to point out that whatever his reasons are, this man has shown you he is not trustworthy. Whether you ever get these things back or not, please please change your locks! He's already violated your heart, take your control back by making sure he has no opportunity to violate your privacy (or worse) as well.
As far as where to draw the line, I know life is not perfect, and people are not perfect, so i do think there needs to be some level of compromise/forgiveness. But when someone shows you that your feelings pretty much mean nothing to them, sticking around makes you a volunteer doormat. I applaud your decision to remove this man from your life. He clearly has a lot of growing to do before he will be able to bring any real value to a relationship. You are a lovely classy woman, and you deserve to be with someone who can offer themself to you wholeheartedly. | |
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 14 | |
| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/3/2008 3:57:42 AM | Dear Ms Addy,
You are a cutie in your photo, and sound beautiful too.
Personally, I think the best thing to do is...
I will change my locks
......while the lock man is at your house, CALL your EX-Friend, sweetly tell him that you do not need the key back from him because your having yours changed (stand next to the lock guy and ask him to make some "changing the lock klanking noises") Then confidently state that you DO expect your other stuff back today......
When done... go out... go shopping or whatever it is you do to have fun, and think of this as the best $100 you ever spent. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/3/2008 8:21:46 AM | I took back control when I hit rock bottom and got out of my depression.
Then I vowed to never let it happen again. | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/3/2008 3:51:47 PM | Thanks for the compliments from the posters above, that brightens my day.
Thought i would just give you a quick update.
I was driving home from London today (4-5 hours) following some business meetings and just thought to hell with it, i want my stuff, so i detoured and turned up at his!
The look of shock on his face when he opened the door was classic. I just said "I have come for my stuff" He started prattling on about "was going to bring it back, had a crash yesterday, finding the time..." This when he has not a scratch on him and his car is in front of us with no damage.
He walked to his car, got a bin bag out of the boot shoved it at me and walked back into the house! I asked if my key was in the bag and he ignored me, so i shouted him and asked again. He walked back and took it off his key ring and and gave it me and walked away again. No sorry for not getting it back sooner, sorry for treating you badly etc. I asked was the one special item (of sentimental value) i wanted in the bag and he nodded
I WAS GOBSMACKED!!
I got in the car and drove home, not upset, not anything, just plain gobsmacked. I sent him a text saying:
Now i have my stuff you can delete my numbers and i am completely removed from your life, as you are from mine. The man i knew was worth loving mind, heart, body and soul. I don't recognise this dishonourable man, what a shame i had to meet him. Bye.
Then i got home.........
The item of great sentimenatl value is the ONLY thing he has not given me back!!
I called him and left a message saying "I WANT THAT ITEM BACK, YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANT TO ME, GET IT BACK TO ME A.S.A.P"
He texted back saying "one of the kids broke it, I will pay for a replacement" YEAH RIGHT!
So i texted back "replacement cost £1207, £400 flight to Nashville, £775 for room and £32 for replacement of item, maybe if i go to your ex wife's i will find it there?"
His reply was "U can have damaged item back if you want, text me your address and i will post it (this would be the address you have driven to every weekend and some week days for the duration of the relationship?). I have major issues this end (no sh*t sherlock!) Can you cut me some slack, leave me alone as i can't cope with much more. Please don't come to the house again"
So i replied "have all the slack u need, no intention of wasting anymore time or petrol on this. U won't hear from me again."
I am livid about the sentimental item, but i think i am well and truly on the mend now. I have spent the last month being emotionally clobbered for the lousy decisions he and his ex wife have made and i am not going to be thier pawn in their sick game anymore. I don't do weak people and i can't stand cowards,but hey, i think him and his wife are well matched.
Until tonight i have been calm and rational and accepting of his decision, only contacting him once on the phone for an explanation and once by text for my stuff, no matter how much i was hurting.
So i can walk away with my head high knowing i acted throughout the relationship and the breakdown with a lot of integrity, unlike him.
Just goes to show you can never really tell what someone is really like
Sorry for length of this, but i needed to vent  | |
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/4/2008 3:53:43 AM | What is
I WAS GOBSMACKED!! ?????
Ms Abby, please please please do not contact him again.
Direct your energy to anything other than him. It's definitely not worth any item no matter what sentiment value. Even if you would get it, the sentiment that you once had for it would not be the same because it would be marred by him and his actions toward you.
"Cherrio"
Orange Park Eve  | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/4/2008 5:05:08 AM | ^^^^^ Gobsmacked is an British slang word for speechless
Thanks for the support but believe me i won't be contacting him again.
As the saying goes:
Shame on you if you fool me once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
I have some nice memories of what i thought we had and the crappy bit at the end i won't dwell on other than to learn the lesson to be a little more questioning in future which is no bad thing. | |
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:03:54 AM | Yes, I like that "shame on me saying".
Good decision to put him behind (as far as you possibly can) . 
It's not easy, but, I continually remind myself that being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the snake to die.
Which is a funny saying for me, because I am a nature lover, raised in the country on a farm and I will never kill a snake, spider or anything LOL....
But the saying does help me when I start to feel upset or angry. I also remind myself that I am not an angry person, but I can get angry. LOL
Warm Regards from Orange Park Eve  | |
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| Taking back control.............
Posted: 12/5/2008 6:33:05 AM |
So i now feel i am taking back control of my life, and i wondered about others. When was the moment YOU hit that button and drew the line?
When the realization you're 'done' comes flooding over you....starts at the top of your head and bathes your entire body....then permeates through your skin and enters that pit in your stomach, slowly traveling up to that lump in your throat and somehow ending up getting expelled through your eye sockets.  When there is no longer any of that stuff spewing from your eyes, is when you start taking back control. It's almost like an infection that has no cure and just has to run its course.
Good luck, OP.
~ds~ | |
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