109B
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Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 1 | |
| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:07:57 AM | Met a lovely lady from here a couple months ago, good chemistry, but a couple things worry me, one is that she agrees and goes along with everything I say, to the point of contradicting herself. Example, I comment that someone walked by with a particular perfume, she says she hates that scent. A couple days later, I comment on that perfume again, I say that it's one of my favorites, and not only does she say she has a bottle, but the next time we meet, she is reeking of it.
She never disagrees with anything I say, any weekend plans, sexual desires (yes, we're already having sex, I know that bothers some of you, but thats not the point of this question, we are both 50 and know what we're doing, thank you), she simply agrees with everything 100%, and has already used the "love" word 3 weeks into this relationship. She calls me every day, emails me every night, says she misses me all the time.
Clingy? Desparate? Should I worry or be thankful? | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:16:38 AM | whatever you *decide* to feel, i think over time this could well grate on your nerves... having someone be who they think we want them to be can be very tiresome, because we never know who the real *them* are - so, with whom are we supposed to fall in love?
only narcissus really wants a mirror, methinks
but she probably isn't aware of that... she may be clingy/desperate, or she may just really care for you and want to be *perfect* for you and feel insecure about being good enough in her own right...
i'd suggest sitting down and telling her that you really like her, that you enjoy being with her and want her to feel comfortable telling you anything... that you feel like she's trying to please you all the time and that you want her to be unafraid to say whatever she wants...
maybe she was in a bad situation before, where she felt unable to express herself... if you are willing to invest a bit of time and care into her - to bolster her ego and make her feel valuable for who she really is, for her own opinions, etc. then you might find that you have unearthed a real treasure
all the best | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:16:43 AM | | Hmmmm..........This is all just wrong!! It sounds to me like she is doing everything just to please you. This would get on my tits haha! I prefer strong people who have their own mind, ideas, tastes etc......I would never expect a partner to have exactly the same taste and opinions as me, that would be very very boring. I think you may need to sit and have a chat with her and say you really do like her but just because she may disagree with something that does not mean she has to conform to your ideas in case you like her less!! It sounds to me like she is trying to be the perfect woman for you, your 'soul mate' when in fact you can very obviously see through it and its pushing you away rather than bringing you closer. Tell you you would LOVE to hear her views and opinions on things. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:18:56 AM |
Clingy? Desparate? Should I worry or be thankful?
I hear wedding bells on the background. | |
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109B
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Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 5 | |
| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:25:42 AM | 
No kidding huh!
She told me she was in a bad marriage, told she was dumb and ugly, and I keep telling her how beautiful she is, and in the past couple months, her appearance has changed, she is glowing more, walking straighter, her co-workers are telling her she is smiling all the time and wearing make up again etc.
My point is, she appears to be trying too hard. Perhaps I'm not used to anyone why cared that sincerely about me, as my ex didn't give a crap about anything but herself.
I guess I knew the answer all along. At this age, don't question it, accept it, be happy, and enjoy the remaining years with someone who cares.
Paranoia pete does creep in and whisper "If something is too good to be true, it usually is!" | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:28:46 AM | Tell her the truth that you don't need a "yes" woman.
Tell her that "no" IS an option in any equal relationship. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:29:41 AM | eeew, she's stepford wife material. totally grosses me out. i want an argument once in a while, not a robot clone. LOL. but hey, YMMV.
oh and there's this: if you decide you want to get rid of her company, be careful how you do it. this is the kind of person that obviously, gets overly attached very quickly and when you burst her precious bubble, she could very well start stalking you and sticking knives into your tires. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:31:28 AM | It doesn't really matter whether she is clingy or desperate etc., for me it would be whether I could live with someone without an opinion. And the answer for me is NO.
What's your answer?
Personally, if I'm having sex with this person I would just confront the issue.
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:31:55 AM | It sounds to me that it bothers you, that you already think clingy/desperate. Here's the real issue, does it matter to you? If it does bother you and it matters, then you should worry and talk to her about it. Just talk about the perfume thing and say, "Hey, I have a question because I don't understand." Could be something as simple as her nose was stuffed up the first time or the perfume reminded her of something she didn't like so she hated it, but if you liked it, she got over it real quick. Maybe ask her if she can tone it down or fake a few sneezes to let her know it's kind of strong... She obviously likes you, but some people need breathing space. If that's you, then you should let her know now rather than later.
If it does not bother you, then be thankful. That's all. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:33:32 AM | Perhaps I'm not used to anyone why cared that sincerely about me
I would be very careful with this one. Calling and emailing constantly does not always mean caring. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:37:19 AM |
but a couple things worry me, one is that she agrees and goes along with everything I say, to the point of contradicting herself.
I met a woman like this in law school. Give her a start, sit her in the corner, and she would argue with herself. Lol. Like the American Indians, none of us messed with her because we thought she was "touched".
Sounds to me, OP, as if you have linked with a non-entity. Convenient, certainly, and there is much to be said for domestic tranquility, but true harmony requires two voices. I couldn't do this thing. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:41:11 AM | She is either a born and bred doormat or she is agreeing with you on EVERYTHING because her bad marriage knocked her down to that.
Either way, if you want to continue seeing her and it sounds like you do, you need to let her know in a subtle way that it is okay not to agree on everything, that it is okay to have differing opinions. I heard something a long time ago that if two people agree on everything, one of them is not needed.
She also seems a little overzealous with the her new relationship. I think a lot of us walk a little straighter, smile a little more, and want to be in contact with our new beaus often.....That part of it may settle down a bit once you two get into the groove of your relationship. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:41:19 AM | follow up on your 2nd post OP: if she's coming out of an abusive relationship and behaving in the way you describe, she does not yet know how to be her own person.
she needs to learn how to do this eventually, or the relationship is ultimately doomed... for a variety of reasons. she's in a very vulnerable position psychologically. i hope you can help her learn how to think for herself, or at least point her in the right direction.
good luck. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:41:40 AM | I do not like people like this.
This person seems like she doesn't have a mind of her own at all.She is trying too hard to be what she thinks you want her to be.She isn't being herself or an individual with her own thoughts and words.
Does anyone want someone like this in thier life?Would get boring after awhile and quite frankly very annoying to say the least. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:52:08 AM | If you enjoy this behavior, then be thankful. But don't expect it to last--unless you act just like all the guys she fell in love with in the past. There's a reason why she found that behavior attractive.
If what you really want, is a long term relationship...then yeah, you have a 50/50 chance. Either she is still screwed up, or you are living the nice guy dream of helping a woman out. If you are worried not about the behavior, but the WHY behind it, congratulations. Not everyone is smart enough to worry about why people do what they do, what goals they expect to achieve. But, it sounds like your eyes are open, and will probably not get caught w/ your pants down...unless you start seeing what you want to see, rather than what is there. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:52:30 AM |
Paranoia pete does creep in and whisper "If something is too good to be true, it usually is!"
If that is a rule you live by due to what people have been told, you will never know what the word "Exceptional" could be refering to.
IMO that phrase is passed around A LOT! However if you look at the ones who are always telling other people the statement, they themselves ignore it for their OWN gains in life.
Seriously, take a step back and look at just a few people that have that take on life enough to constantly tells others that they should avoid things if they seem too good to be true.
I have, Those same people that yell out If something is too good to be true it is likely a Con, fake, or some catch, will OFTEN go for them themselves.
So think about it. Trully investigate something that seems too good to be true.
But do not beleive ANYONE saying something is too good to be true because chances are they just said that so they could check it out for themselves.
As for her... Maybe she just really likes you and trying to adapt to your needs. Most of the books and materials to help couples have a great relationship will say to consider the other persons needs and find a way to fill them. Maybe she just took it to extreems.
Would you rather have someone that is against everything you say you like, or someone that is willing to meet you at your level.
At 50 you have likely lived in many different way's and lifestyles throughout your life right? Well what is wrong with the person you are with adapting to you by trying to please you? I would bet not many people would care to admit it but deep down they would likely want someone willing to make changes on their own to ensure their mate's needs are taken care of.
To not slightly alter yourself means there is no chance for growth. Think about it... You can not grow together if both of you remain the same as you were prior to the relationship. Growing together means a minor change made by one is responded to and reciprocated by a minor change made by the other. After time as long as you did not start out too different, you two will line up better as a couple.
IMO at least. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:55:22 AM | The word is co-dependant. Those afflicted often choose abusive relationships.
Shes' in a rebound and has now gone in the opposite direction. Over compensating?
This one won't work either, because she will eventually blame the OP for making her feel that she has to be someone she isn't. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:00:25 AM | I wouldn't be sitting on my laurels just yet.
It's the perfume example that gave me the clue.
Women like this tend to be kegs of dynamite. They most likely are passive-aggressive. You see hints of the aggressive side to come. How? The constant e-mails and phone calls, the "love" word and "missing" you. All designed to entwine you and wrap you up like a special Christmas pkg. This is a spider at work.
You are happy as a pig in mud. Getting "unconditional" sex and a woman that is so available and you are so totally clueless that you are in the clutches of a woman who is very controlling. If you don't believe me, put her to the test. I guarantee that you have a potential bunny boiler there. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:29:45 AM | Yeah, it sounds like she's over compensating - not being exactly honest with you or herself. I mean, eventually she's liable to implode and may end up taking it out on you - who knows?
Like the previous poster implied, I'd proceed with extreme caution and keep your bunny rabbit under lock & key...
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:35:46 AM | OP, it would seem obvious that she has some "self-esteem" issues, and is eager to please, in pursuing "external validation". While that's not the "ideal", none of us is entirely "ideal" in respect to our feelings, self-identity, etc.. So, if she "functions" well in her day to day world, it isn't necessarily a big deal. It just may have been a long time, since she's had those "feelings" for someone or with someone, and she's overreacting a bit.
The thing is, though, that it bothers you enough to post on the internet, seeking advice from strangers. Even more to the point, you're posting on a dating board, and apparently still looking. Maybe you need a "reason" to feel "justified" in ending things with someone who is perfectly "nice", attractive, and sexually available?
Truth is, that there is no objective "right" or "wrong" about who you want to be with in an intimate relationship. If it's bothering you, and you're feeling that you want out, Paul Simon wrote a great song that might give you salient advice "50 ways to leave a lover". | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:39:20 AM | | The condition or fact of being codependent is specifically, a tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own. Sounds to me like the only persons wants or needs she is concerned with are yours. Although initially this can be mistaken for great caring, codependence is a serious concern. This is not something you should just say oh well to and go on as if everything is okay. Codependence seriously limits one's ability to live a satisfying and productive life. Seriously this is an issue that is going to present future problems down the road. If you are invested in this relationship then acknowledge that this is indeed an issue that must be addressed. Ignoring the behavior will only set the tone for what is acceptable to you. Sigh; I wish you luck, codependency is not an easy issue to address. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:49:43 AM |
Women like this tend to be kegs of dynamite.
I agree 100%.
Tell her that "no" IS an option in any equal relationship.
I also agree 100%.
The problem with such women is that the moment they think they have their guy in the bag. They may stop doing all that they did before. Even worse, is when they continue and allow even more stuff, to the point that they will offer to polish your shoes. I seen this happen. I've seen it, and you wonder, what an a$$whole this guy must be, and it not the case. The woman does absolutely everything for the guy.
So you need to talk to your girl and tell her that It is okay to say "no". But when she says no, don't punish her by getting angry. Also, you need to ask her "What she thinks" about a given topic. My own brother has a similar problem with his girlfriend. The problem is that he is very domineering and also a Virgo. So when she is around him, she becomes the victim that is incapable of a thought on her own. When she is by herself she is full of ideas and opinions. She plays "poor little me around him," and he has to bail her out over and over. I told him that he needs to a)stop telling her what to do, b) allow her to fail instead of bailing her out all the time.
So dude, allow her to flower into her own being, not just the idea you have of her. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:52:08 AM | Re Post #21
I agree that codependance is a serious issue, and the behavior reported by the OP "could" indicate codependance, but there is nowhere near enough information to diagnose her as such. It may well be that, so far, they haven't run into any issues that are gut level important to her, and combined with a need to have a positively affirming man in her life, has led her to be a bit too "eager to please".
We all do this to some extent in early relationships. For example, what man over the age of 16, is going to honestly answer questions like "do I look fat in this dress?" or "do you like my hair this way?"
It's irrelevant anyway, because the OP is turned off by it, and will eventually leave. Each of us needs to find someone where the personality of the other meshes with ours, and no one person is right for everyone. In fact, true compatibility and attraction, that can endure for the long haul is only possible with maybe 1/10th of 1% of the members of the opposite sex. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:58:52 AM |
i hope you can help her learn how to think for herself, or at least point her in the right direction.
Is'n it a little too late at 50?
Not sure that OP is looking for father-daughter relationship. | |
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| Too quick to comply?
Posted: 12/3/2008 8:18:52 AM | | OP, Do you like the lady or don't you??? You are the person that sounds confused here. She sounds on track with you. At least she knows and understands how she feels about you. | |
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