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 swtsxyme
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 1
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex familyPage 1 of 1    
My friend was with this guy for 5 years was very close with his family they broke up A while ago one day she called the house the father said that he missed her and so does his son ,He is in a new relationship not sure how serious ,well the father passed away and she just found out from his brother on my space she is upset because he didn't contact her to let her know. She would have wanted to go to the funeral. She is hurt by this should she? Was he just being selfish because he would have felt uncomfortable beacause of his new women?I'm not sure what to tell her.
 FriesianSpirit
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 2
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When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:01:34 PM
I'd like to see some responces to this one also. I have an x girl friend. But her family keeps in contact with me. They ask me to come over for parties and to visit. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable about it tho.
Jon
 starry_night
Joined: 8/15/2006
Msg: 3
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:06:16 PM
I would have loved it if my ex's family would have kept in touch....if not with me, then at least with my daughter. It's very hard to have many years of family life and have it broken off. It would depend a lot on the circumstances of the break-up between the former couple, I'm sure. It would be nice though, if a broken relationship didn't have to have the domino effect of erasing years of friendship.
 Pair O Docs
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 4
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:07:19 PM
One of my former relationships still calls my mom 'mom'. We don't see each other much these days. But we talk every three months or so just to catch up. My family all still really loves her, and if she ever called to say hi, they would talk till the cows came home.

It's unfortunate that your friend didn't get a chance to pay her final respects. Maybe the ex was too emotionally upset to have to deal with TWO emotional issues in his life at the same time. Tell your friend to consider that. If she really cared for her ex, she'll just understand.

peace....
 nocatchyname
Joined: 1/15/2007
Msg: 5
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:10:19 PM
I have to keep in touch with my ex's family. She lives about an 11 hr drive away from her family, and I. Since I have the kids, we all keep in touch still. It sucks because I have to for the kids even though I could really do without seeing them myself.

That being said, if she was close with the family, and he knew that, and he blatently witheld the information, he was being selfish. Of course, informing her may have slipped his mind due to all the other stuff going on. If my dad passed away, and I didn't talk to my ex on a regular basis, I would probably forget to tell her too.
 Hobbes.Nova
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 6
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When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:20:27 PM
Well, my situation's a little different. My Dad and Step-mother were married for 12-13 yrs when they divorced. She knew me thru my teenage and college years, and our relationship was OK, but what can you expect from angry teens, right?

So she took the divorce really hard, and reached out to me and my sister to maintain contact, and I decided to do so. My sister didn't. So, 20+ years later, I still call her on mother's day, and her birthday, and I make time during X-mas to go see her and her family (they're great, if a little kooky!). Both my dad and mom have been cool with it, but even if they hadn't been, I would have continued to see my S-M. Keeping her in my life was important to her (she couldn't have kids), and it just seemed like the right thing to do (particularly after she had to put up w/me during my 'terrible teens').

*If* either parent had expressed negative emotions over my decision, I would have explained that my relationship with her does not diminish my relationship with them, nor is it a reflection or comment on them, but rather a desire to maintain contact with her on *her* merits.

So, OP, I'm sorry that your friend didn't get to go to the funeral of a man she liked. Perhaps she could make a charitable donation in his name to a cause she thinks he would have found worthy. And also suggest to her that she understand that the family was probably very emotionally fragile and not to take personally the Ex-'s failure to contact her. I know *I'd* be a complete wreck if my dad passed and would likely forget to notify scores of close and distant kin/friends/acquaintances.
 swtsxyme
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 7
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:42:05 PM
My sister ex parents passed away and my sister me and my brother showed up for the funeral because we remember how great they were and my sister and her ex been apart for 18 yrs. If he couldin't contact her he should have sent someone else thats my opinion I met this guy when they were together and I wouldin't think that he would be like this ,he always told her how is family loved her, and her family loved him also.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 8
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:54:46 PM
My mom and ex-wife were nuts about each other. They would yack on the phone like a couple of teenagers.

When my ex fluttered off - mom was diagnosed stage 4 18 months later (from ok to gone in six weeks). Me and my sister gave her 24/7 care at my sister’s house. My sister would not allow my ex in her house to visit mom. I protested to no avail.

I failed to notify my ex when mom passed - so she found out two days after the funeral.

I don’t know if I should feel quitly about not telling her (or either of the daughters [step daughters]) or not. I was still reeling deep in sadness and depression over my ex (married 17 years) then mom ....... I lost both of my best friends within 18 months.

If I did (or did not do) anything that ruffled anyone’s feathers ....... well I was pretty darn ruffled myself.

Yes OP .... the guy should have kept everyone advised but ......... sometimes people have a hard enough time just getting thru it all the best they can. Sometimes talking to everyone about everything just don’t seem a very big priority compared to other things.
 sdbysassygal
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 9
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:17:08 PM
When my ex and I split up, his parents said that they hoped I would stay close to them since we had been very close for the years that we were together... It was a little awkward at first, but after establishing some ground rules, we were able to maintain a very close relationship. They will always be a part of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't know that it can work for everyone, but when it does, it's truly an ideal situation since you don't stop loving the people that have become your family simply because you don't get along with one of them anymore...
 GGarbo
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 10
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:40:09 PM
I think it really depends on the situation. When my ex's mom died I didn't go to the funeral itself but did go to the funeral home to pay my respects. I broke up with him and didn't feel he needed to see me on the day of the funeral. My ex was there and thanked me a lot for caring enough to show up. Other than that, I didn't stay in touch with the family other than to say hi and get an update if we ran into each other but him and his brother are on my facebook. No hard feelings just we moved on and dif lives now.

For the most part, when you get a divorce/break up, you break-up with the family as well. A lot of issues can be caused if you don't with family members getting involved in the relationship. It can also cause issues with your new love because in many ways your ex hasn't released their role in the family. If you have kids, it's a bit different but you still have to respect that it's your ex-spouse's family, not yours.

My brother in-laws figured out a way around this. The one who married my middle sister first dated the oldest one and the one who married the oldest one met her after going out on a couple dates with the middle sister. I have had several boyfriends try to keep up a relationship with my family after we broke up and it did actually cause a few problems. Apparently I have such a great family they don't like to give them up.

I have had a few problems with ex's not letting go of my family. I did have issues with it because I felt it wasn't about my family but them not being able to let go of something. To me, this is using my family which doesn't fly well.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 11
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When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:48:57 PM
Well.. she didn't know about the death so she missed the funeral. I think she should send a memorial in his memory and let them relay the information. That is what I did when my ex father in law passed away. It was my way of paying tribute to him because he was a lovely man.

As far as her not being contacted.. just assure her in times of stress people usually don't think straight and may just forget who to contact.. it is very traumatic when a parent passes away.

I am not sure it is a good idea to keep close contact with an ex's family.. but I think having periodic contact is fine.. Christmas cards.. etc. that sort of thing.
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 12
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When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:49:56 PM
In my experience, that attachment to your ex's family, no matter how strong, fades over time and so it should be. It will be an uncomfortable situation for your ex and any new partner to have you involved with the family. The family realises this and must choose their son/daughter over you. This loss of love will be hard for you, but that is just the way it is. This is how you can counsel your friend.

I've been through this. For some reason, I've attached very strongly to the family of my partners. I guess I was lucky to have fallen in love with men with good family.
 Tabitha63
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 13
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When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/4/2008 5:10:48 AM
My ex and I were together for 21 years..married for almost 18..with two children. My ex-inlaws were a vital and daily part of my life. When I finally left their son due to his continued infidelity...I also divorced his family..but not by choice. THEY made that choice.

At first.. my mother in law would bash me...and talk down to me for leaving the marriage...even though she KNEW her son had violated our marriage several times. She did keep the relationship between my kids alive...but never without packing the bags and trying to send me on a guilt trip.. she was a travel agent for guilt trips.

We've been divorced since 2001...and just last year...(after SHE passed away) my ex-father in law and brother in law have come back into my life. I love them.. they were always very good to me.

I can remember once.. my kids (age 12 and 17) went to my ex's parents house for a visit. She had a very beautiful display on a large wall of family photo's taken throughout the last 21 years. All the pictures of OUR family (my ex, me, my kids) from Christmas, Easter, Mothers/Fathers' Day were either removed (any picture with ME in it) or my picture had been neatly cut out and rematted. My daughter asked her grandma about it.. and my ex mother in law stated..."Your mother left her family.. this is a family wall.. she left you guys.. that was her choice, that's why she's not on it".

My daughter.. at age 12 said...'Grandma, My mom did not leave US.. she left my dad.. who used to call her horrible names, cheat on her, and always blamed her for HIS problems. You can cut her out of those pictures of holidays...at YOUR house, but you can't take her out of those holidays.. cos she was there.. I remember it and I will always remember how you treated her as well. I live with my mom, because she loves me unconditionally...you should try it".

My daughter refused to go to her Grandmothers house again...and I told her it was her choice.

From that day on, I referred to her as my "Out-law".. cos I obviously was never an "IN-law in her eyes. That was her loss.. completely!
 OneMoreTimeWithFeeling
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 14
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/4/2008 6:11:11 AM
I still keep in touch with my ex's family. His mom in particular. We actually go out to lunch about once a month and we get each other xmas gifts. She lives in the same town as I do. I was very close to his family. Closer than he was to his whole family. He was very distant from his family until I came along and now he sees them on a regular basis. What is very strange is she asks who I'm dating and I won't go there with her. Partly because I know she will go back and tell her son which imo is none of his business.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 15
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/4/2008 7:18:14 AM
I kept in touch with my oldest daughter's paternal grandmother so they could have a relationship. I have a good relationship with the family of the ex who passed away this year and spent considerable time with his mom until she passed away 5 months after he did. All those people know I care about them and notify me of family news both good and bad. I haven't been in the position of being faced with an angry new woman (we got along) but I have witnessed the phenomena. I've seen some glares but no cat fights on top of coffins.
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 16
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/4/2008 7:39:17 AM
I think this depends on the people and the relationships they developed with family members.

I was married for 20 years and remained friends after our divorce with his family. I don't see them as much, but do have a good relationship with them. It is possible. I think the key here is to remember that you are trying to start a new life and that it is best to remember your ex is too. The first year was the hardest because I didn't want to step on anyone's toes, but it has turned into a good friendship now.

You can't force the others to do, it has to be something that all parties want. Plus, you have to remember their caught in a position that may or may not make them comfortable doing so.
 N10SE
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 17
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When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/4/2008 8:45:53 AM
I kept in contact with my late ex's family, but I was also the mother of their grandchildren. If I hadn't had any children though I would still have kept contact with them. I was friends with his mother for 5 years before I ever met him.. and when he introduced me to his parents he was really surprised to find I already knew his mom and that we were friends!

It would have been a very nice courtesy for them to have let her know since she had a relationship with his father separate and apart from him.. don't guess he was adult enough to handle it??
 zombie_chik
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 18
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/4/2008 9:30:37 AM
I think if you're close to the family, as a whole, then someone should contact you out of courtesy, empathy, or general kindness. But I don't think it's necessarily the former partner that has to do the contacting. I doubt he was being selfish, he probably had no clue. His father just died -people don't always have their thoughts about them in that kind of stressed environment. Unless someone specifically asked him about inviting her and he said no way -and I guess that's a risk you take when you break up -you're no longer a part of the 'inner circle.'
 Oakland Honey
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 19
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/13/2008 3:07:10 PM
It's not her family and her ex was under no obligation to tell her anything. He would be there with his new woman and his family, and it would have made everyone uncomfortable for her to there. She is a part of his past, not his present or future. She needs to accept that and respect the boundaries.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 20
When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family
Posted: 12/13/2008 3:10:53 PM
NO!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so occasionally you may wish to...but you don't. It's awkward, and odd, and when another SO comes into the picture then what? It's sort of rude also.

I don't think anyone grieving the death of their father, should be phoning around to former SO's to tell them. That's not right.

Your friend is out of line to make this about her. And that IS what she's doing. She's offended that she wasn't considered important to the family and included in their grieving....

That's wrong. It isn't about her any more. She should get over herself.
Yes, maybe she was close to this man, and yes, maybe he felt some affection for her, but her emotions at this time are grossly inappropriate.
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