| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:03:35 AM | I first start this off my saying please please be nice.
I think im crazy, heres why!!!! I recently (Monday) told and ex- that since he was having such a hard time with bills (he has moved back to my state about 4 months ago) and hasn't found a job since moving back. I have sent out resumes on his behalf a few times less than 15 ,no nibbles or anything, Well any ways, I offered to get a loan $1,000 so he can catch up on a few bills and buy a few things 4 our son for Xmas. After reading something that was not for my eyes, i called the bank back on Tuesday and canceled it, we were to know on Friday if i got to or not (i was approved). Its nuts to try to help someone that is not worth it (I have no hopes in us getting back together & that's not why I offered). But why would I put myself out their, Am I really nuts????? Thats my question. SHould I seek medical advice? this cant be normal!!!!!! | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:14:00 AM | | Nuts? Normal? Or maybe just good-hearted, forgiving and - nice! | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:17:40 AM | You're not nuts but apparently still in love with your ex. And saw that he was fooling around with someone else...which is why you cancelled the loan. Although you say you have no hopes of getting back together...you also didn't reveal what you read that wasn't for your eyes (so I'm going to assume like everyone else will).
Stop trying to help him--excuse me-stop letting him USE YOU. Resumes, offering loans on your credit...you're not nuts but damn if you're not being smart lady. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:22:38 AM | | i don't think you're crazy at all to offer to help a family member or anybody else in need. that's just being kind & generous. i can understand the confusion that would arise had i offered to do the same thing, then discovered that the person was seriously undeserving of any help. so ya see, you aren't only kind & generous, you're also very lucky that you didn't give him the $! | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:24:12 AM | | Do you ever watch those daytime "People's Court" type shows? They're always people like you, good hearted and naive people trying to recoup some money they've lent to boyfriends or friends (now ex boyfriends and ex friends). Don't do it. Don't ruin your credit and your peace of mind by lending money. It's just never good. You'll be on the next "Judge Judy" in no time. Trust. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:43:48 AM | | You sound like a very nice person OP, but this guy is an ex so really I dont think you should be helping him out in a financial way. Even the sending out of resumes is a bit far in my book, its his life and he should be able to send out his own resumes. That beign said I dont think you need to worry about seeking medical advise, it just shows that you are a nice person in a cruel world, it would be good if there where more people like yourself around. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 4:54:18 AM | If you really want to know if you're crazy, then its time to be honest with yourself:
you were actually trying to buy something with this loan. What was it? So he could be a Dad for Christmas? So he would look better with some stability? So you could feel better?
What were you trying to buy? You probably cancelled the loan when you realized you weren't going to see it, if that helps to locate it. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 5:31:25 AM | You're not crazy... you have a kind, and generous, heart... a beautiful attribute.
Crazy would have been giving him the loan despite whatever the incriminating evidence you had discovered against him. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 5:33:31 AM | Why are you taking responsibility for his life, loans and fatherly duties.These are his responsibilities not yours.What were you trying to buy, his approval , his love.it will never work.Being a rescuer is unhealthy.You would take out a thousand dollar loan for this guy, that is madness.Would he do it for you. ??
Why is he in so much debt, obviously has issues and is irresponsible. I am sure he can afford a small xmas gift for his son. Its the thought that counts.Dont get sucked into his problems or let him manipulate you with guilt or sympathy, its not your concern.How lucky you canceled that loan, watch his reaction carefully when you tell him.It will open your eyes. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 5:45:09 AM |
I offered to get a loan $1,000 so he can catch up on a few bills and buy a few things 4 our son for Xmas. After reading something that was not for my eyes, i called the bank back on Tuesday and canceled it,
Am I really nuts????? Thats my question.
I can't tell ...
I don't suppose you got it on tape.
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 5:54:19 AM | Well you've definatly got the Christmas spirit and with that gesture I can see you are a giving person. I also am a giving person but I don't think I would be willing to put my credit on the line for someone who hasn't had a job in four months. If you really want to help the ex to get something for his child/ren maybe you should setup a time when you can take him shopping that is mutual for both of you.
As for you being crazy.... have you had a psych exam lately? | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 5:57:40 AM | | Your not nuts, just desperate or trying to buy love. Men do it all the time. Obviously, your not helping out of the kindness of your heart but just to get something out of it...him. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 6:05:21 AM | My Ex has not paid child support in over 6 months ($1435 per mo) he has received birthday gifts, been bought groceries and there will be Christmas presents from him to his children. All purchased by me of course.
In the mean time, my savings are dwindling, I am shouldering the burden of all children's activities, clothing etc. He is not in jail because I cannot allow my kids to see that, my parents and siblings think I am an idiot. He has never said thank you.
But personal loan???? HELL NO. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 6:38:03 AM | So let me get this straight. You get a loan, right? Who is going to make the payments? You? Him? What happens when he does not make the payment to the bank? Or to you?
Don't do it. All you are doing is creating codependent situations, and six months down the road when you say "I shouldn't have..." It will be too late. YOu are going to be stuck with the bill. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 7:01:03 AM | My Ex has not paid child support in over 6 months ($1435 per mo) he has received birthday gifts, been bought groceries and there will be Christmas presents from him to his children. All purchased by me of course.
In the mean time, my savings are dwindling, I am shouldering the burden of all children's activities, clothing etc. He is not in jail because I cannot allow my kids to see that, my parents and siblings think I am an idiot. He has never said thank you.
But personal loan???? HELL NO.
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Dead beat dads are that way, because they are allowed to be. Your kids will know soon enough, what their Dad is like.Disillusionment beckons.You would be surprised what kids pick up.Dont waste your savings, what if illness comes or injury, how will you cope.Your kids need that money, more than him. Get his ass into court and get your money.No groceries or presents, let him shoulder his own burdens like a man.
He is stress free and you are tense and getting broker by the week.Come on girl, kick ass. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 7:10:52 AM |
Do you ever watch those daytime "People's Court" type shows
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I was thinking the very same thing when I read this.
My ex fell on hard times, had no place to live, blah blah blah. He WAS at that time working, so what he was supposed to be paying for child support, I let him live on my couch for 8 mo. It got to the point where he stopped working, wasn't paying anything, and did nothing around the house but make a mess.
I finally decided nice was nice, BUT I was now being a doormat, so I put his stuff out in the drive way and told him to turn in his key, that this charity home had shut down, and he had to find some other place to sponge off of.
What did I hope to gain??? That he would get off his stumbling butt, and make something out of himself with a chance. That he could do this, and have time with his son, and have a place to be, so that my son wasn't just where ever.
NO I never signed a lone for him... LOL did that a couple times when we were married... YEAHHHHH screwed my credit so badly that I didn't think I'd see tomorrow for a LONG time.
He's an ex for a reason, AND it is often because they were little boys that didn't want to grow up, and take care of their responsibilities.
You are NOT responsible for providing presents for your child FROM DAD, if he is a real dad, he will pull his head out of his nether end, and take care of business.
If you are questioning your sanity, in reality you are trying to figure out why you had believed him, and wanted to help him, just to discover he wasn't being straight up with you. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 7:11:19 AM | | It sounds like you had a momentary lapse of sanity, but regained it. If you want to get something for your son and make it a gift from you both, that would probably be okay. It can sometimes be difficult to set boundaries with someone you once cared about (and still may, to some extent), but it is probably wise to do so in most cases. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 7:15:19 AM | OP and Diablera, you are both far too nice for your own good. I've been down this path before, helping others out and then getting kicked in the teeth for it. As for a deadbeat dad, as long as you continue to help them they will continue to use you.
Especially to you Diablera, I bet you that if you told him you were turning him in to the authorities for non-support he'd find the money right quick from somewhere rather than go to jail. It's funny how they come up with it when they are made to do it. Your kids don't have to know and later in years when they are old enough to understand how finances work, they'll appreciate the fact that you went to bat for them. My ex tried to pull this crap on me saying "well I just don't have enough to give you any money this paycheck." You know why? Because he had a new g/f that he was spending money on. I hauled his butt through social service and now the child support is garnished from his paycheck before he even sees it. Funny, he's making it now just the same as he was before the garnishment. The kids still have to eat and have a roof over their heads regardless of whether or not he gets to have a six pack of beer or a night out on the town. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 8:32:07 AM | Personally Sweetkisses, two wrongs don't make a right, you promised to help him and then you read something that wasn't for your eyes and now you canceled?that wasn't right or cool.
Where I come from if you promised to help someone you do it, it shouldn't come with conditions, on the other hand why you decided to help out your ex is one thing but canceling it in the fashion that you did like I mentioned isn't cool.
Its either you help him or you don't , simple. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 8:36:38 AM |
I think im crazy, heres why!!!! I recently (Monday) told and ex- that since he was having such a hard time with bills (he has moved back to my state about 4 months ago) and hasn't found a job since moving back. I have sent out resumes on his behalf a few times less than 15 ,no nibbles or anything,
WTF??
this guy is full-time UNEMPLOYED..and too LAZY to even send out resumes on his OWN 'behalf'?
let him sink or swim..don't start the co-dependency thing.. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 8:41:22 AM |
My Ex has not paid child support in over 6 months ($1435 per mo) he has received birthday gifts, been bought groceries and there will be Christmas presents from him to his children. All purchased by me of course.
In the mean time, my savings are dwindling, I am shouldering the burden of all children's activities, clothing etc. He is not in jail because I cannot allow my kids to see that, my parents and siblings think I am an idiot. He has never said thank you.
But personal loan???? HELL NO.
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Dead beat dads are that way, because they are allowed to be. Your kids will know soon enough, what their Dad is like.Disillusionment beckons.You would be surprised what kids pick up.Dont waste your savings, what if illness comes or injury, how will you cope.Your kids need that money, more than him. Get his ass into court and get your money.No groceries or presents, let him shoulder his own burdens like a man.
He is stress free and you are tense and getting broker by the week.Come on girl, kick ass.
Never have I heard truer words.Take his ass to court before you go broke,op nothing wrong with what you did,and to the both of you sooner or later these guys have to stand up and do what's right. I never had kids for a reason,I didn't want to end up in one of my past broke spells and have a hungry child waiting on me to get it right.....IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE CHILDREN! Sorry for yelling but I'm making a point.In the end they are what matters. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 9:20:28 AM | Especially to you Diablera, I bet you that if you told him you were turning him in to the authorities for non-support he'd find the money right quick from somewhere rather than go to jail. It's funny how they come up with it when they are made to do it. Your kids don't have to know and later in years when they are old enough to understand how finances work, they'll appreciate the fact that you went to bat for them. My ex tried to pull this crap on me saying "well I just don't have enough to give you any money this paycheck." You know why? Because he had a new g/f that he was spending money on. I hauled his butt through social service and now the child support is garnished from his paycheck before he even sees it. Funny, he's making it now just the same as he was before the garnishment. The kids still have to eat and have a roof over their heads regardless of whether or not he gets to have a six pack of beer or a night out on the town.===quote
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I was quoting Carolanns post,but I agree with every word you have said. Good on you, pity more women don't kick ass and make these men step up to the plate.Dont rescue these guys, we are not their mother. or ATM machine. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 11:29:05 AM | | Sweetkisses, I've got a couple of questions that keep roaming around in the grey matter right now. Before this man came knock ...knock...knocking on Sweetkisses door , what actions did the 'He' not 'You' take, to try and improve his own situation and what actions is 'HE' not 'You' currently taking now??? I hope for your sake the actions are valid otherwise it looks like someone just might be sucking energy from a very sweet lady. | |
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