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 valleysgirl20
Joined: 11/3/2008
Msg: 1
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacyPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
i need advice...... everytime me and my boyfriend get inimate he is hard but as soon as we gonna do something he goes soft again and its happening a lot and i don't know if its coz i'm not turning him on enough or its just him please if someone could give advice please do so as we really wanna get intimate and its putting our relationship on the rocks...
 NOLA Chick
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 2
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/6/2008 6:46:47 PM
How old is he? Does he do drugs? Does he drink a lot? Is he in a very stressful job (like cop or firefighter or miner?) Does he have a stressful background, such as a history of abuse or alcoholic parents, surviving a disaster or accident? Did he just come back from Iraq? Could he possibly be bisexual? Is he suffering from depression? Does he have diabetes? Does he have a super-religious/conservative family? Does this happen every time, or just occasionally?

There are any number of reasons why this can be happening. It might be worth talking about with him and encouraging him to see a doctor if it continues or gets worse. The most common reason is anxiety. If he's really stressing out about something, it can have a profound effect.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 3
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/6/2008 6:58:26 PM
Unless he is 40+ or has a history of something like diabetes or prostate cancer, I'd suggest he visit a doctor.

sydney
 yna6
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 4
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/6/2008 7:17:42 PM
Stressful times...could be that...or any number of things...drugs, booze...smoking (as in cigarettes), the job stress, financial stress. Who knows? Not enough detail to actually narrow it down. Sometimes pain can make a huge factor...as in chronic pain.
 deweylips
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 5
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/6/2008 7:22:33 PM
Nola chick has lots of good answers for you
Hope you check them out . I know a friend of mine works with returning military and seem's lots are put on depression meds. And that could be a cause for sure.
Good luck to you both.
 Arpeggia
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 6
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/6/2008 7:26:24 PM
I would suggest low androgen levels..

A trip to the doc is in order.
 esad
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 7
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:37:19 PM

Unless he is 40+ or has a history of something like diabetes or prostate cancer, I'd suggest he visit a doctor.


I agree ....sort of. Try editing out the words "Unless he is 40+" and get rid of "diabetes"
and "prostate cancer" . What you have left is: "I'd suggest he visit a doctor."

In General, NEVER ask for, or take, medical advice from a Dating Site.
We screw up simple things like "Should i date him/her, or does the fact that s/he
slept with my Dad mean we are doomed?" We should NEVER be trusted with
questions like "It burns when i pee. Is that a Red Flag?" or " My girlfriend stopped
breathing three minutes ago after we dropped this new drug we found in the park.
Should i call 911 ?".
Good Luck OP.
 Pair O Docs
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 8
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/6/2008 11:45:36 PM
I'm hearing all these recommendations about 'medical' help and whatnot.... even about 'religious' guilt....but this guy is probably close to this girls age (she is twenty). And while some of the women in here might be well intended......ummm.....it would be like me trying to tell YOU why you loose your lubrication after a half hour.....pretending that I'm an expert inside either a woman's head or your body......

You said he is erect for awhile, yes? I'm assuming he is loosing his erection just before you two are getting ready to commit 'the act'??

First.......

If he's using protection.....then....the possibility DOES exist that, well....he might not have much feeling once the good old rubber goes on. Those things might be 'ribbed for HER pleasure'....but trust me.....any man will tell you that it pretty much sucks to have to wear them, even if it is imperative nowadays to do so..... It's like jumping into a hot tub with a space suit. So THAT simple thing might need to be addressed.

Second......

If he's NOT using protection....well then....guess what??? He's probably playing a whole bunch of tricks in his brain wondering if he stands the chance of hearing....'DADDY...I FOUND YOU', just before getting ready to take the plunge. Believe it or not, some guys actually THINK about the fact that.....well....maybe.....juuuuuuust maybe.....YOU forgot to take your birth control.

WhatEVER is going on right now is MENTAL based on a FEAR....that more than likely has little to do with 'religious guilt'.

Third........

Though I'm not there....nor is anybody else.....but the possibility DOES exist that you might not be turning him on enough. I know every young kid these days thinks they're "THE BOMB" now that they have blow job parties at THIRTEEN.....but the fact might remain that you might not be as good as you think you are. The myth that a guy of twenty something will have an erection if the wind blows is........A MYTH.....Guys in their twenties also know what TURNS THEM ON..... So a little discussion would go a long way........

OP...I'm going to suggest something to you...

For some strange reason.... people are convinced they aren't having GREAT SEX unless they have had intercourse. Yet I can flat out tell you that there are FAR MORE options available to two people to have great, sensual intimacy and wonderful sex without it always being THE MAIN MISSION. There are plenty of people out there who, I KNOW have had sex many times and intercourse never was even a part of the routine.

I think you should try exploring OTHER options for now........ Take the whole thing gradually. Slow down and go back to the drawing board.

And above all............talk with HIM about this. You'll get so many varied answers in a place like this, looking for THE ONE ANSWER....but ultimately....YOUR intimacy with your mate relies on YOU and HE alone........

best of luck
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 9
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 3:15:14 AM
if you have eliminated the medical or chemical issues as per nola above, discussed between you the issues as per doc (preceding this post), and are dealing with performance issues applicable to "youth": i remember that in the "beginning" my first husband and i used the "squeeze method". i am sure you can google it. however, this is for premature ejaculation. not sure if that is what you are talking about, or no performance at all. if it is applicable, i can assure you that it works! oh to be young again........ ............it's the vulnerabilities that bond us.

ps ah! i googled it for you: http://prematureejaculation.sohosted.com/squeeze-method.php good old masters and johnson!
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 10
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 3:28:20 AM
Maybe he is gay. He is young enough to not have met the reality head-on. I had gay friends who, at your age, were still trying to date the opposite sex in an effort to "belong". Try using some gay porn stimulus, just to rule my suggestion out.
 Dempcey
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 11
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 3:40:10 AM
You have not given enough information.

Reasons this could be happening:
1) He is a older man (low libido),
2) He is using some drug prescription or illegal,
3) He has something on his mind or mental block,
4) There is something about you that he finds unattractive (but thats back to the mental block or something on his mind),
5) He is seriously inexperienced,
6) He has a medical condition.

That's all I could come up with off the top of my head.

FTR: This thread belonged in "Sex and Sexualty Issues" forum.
 ValentinoScaramanga
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 12
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:42:02 AM
Yeah let's blame drugs and booze for his flaccid penis...

After all, a woman need only use a lame "pre-rehearsed" move lifted from a movie, music video or taught by an ex-boyfriend to turn a guy on

If it doesn't work well, he's either gay or on medication. It's always, always the guys fault isn't it...

Yes, I'm being sarcastic.

He's either nervous, lacking in sexual confidence or you're just really, really crap in bed.

Most girls your age are, no offense.

Anyway, dont bother asking us, go talk to him about it.

V
 RdKgClassic
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 13
why does my boyfriend go soft during intimacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 5:09:36 AM
What about basic chemistry? Maybe this is someone that should be a friend and not a lover? Regardless, there is something going on with him, not you, and it is creating a problem with your relationship. It may be something that you can't fix but the best advise that I have seen is to sit down and talk about it directly. At his age it may be difficult to discuss but you need to understand if this is something that can be resolved. Otherwise this will eventually end any hope of a long term intimate relationship.

justmy2cents
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 14
why does my boyfriend go soft during intimacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 5:20:42 AM

i'm not turning him on enough


Don't take the blame for this and don't put all the blame on him. As a couple, you work through it together. Seeing a doctor is the right way to go.
 against all oddz
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 15
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:28:53 AM
There could be a multitude of reason for your boyfriend's impotence. The underlying factors can range from psychological issues, to emotional stresses, to physical stresses on the body. Anticipation/expectations can also cause this to happen. Some of the ways anticipation can cause it are, his anxiousness derived from previous failed attempts to maintain an erection, your expectations of his performance (can weigh heavily on him), his own expectations to please you, if you're doing this where there may not be enough privacy his aniticpation of being "caught" in the act can cause an interference in his erection, etc... You get the idea. It is my best advice to have you consult with a professional or a confidant (if you or he does not feel comfortable with the prior) who has experience in this field.
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 16
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:47:21 AM
sorry ladies i have to agree with most of the men on this post.

a very heavy woman does not often induce mr. stiffy to point up into the air. however there could be other factors. Opening Poster, your profile says you are a heavy smoker. if your boyfriend is not a smoker this could be a huge turnoff for him. the smoker's breath/body smell is an erection killer. but some of the readers here are correct.

she needs to communicate with him as to why he cannot stay hard and what she can do to help him. in opening up to him he may come to trust or understand HER better and keep his erection. after all the brain is the body's largest sex organ.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 17
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:52:57 AM
Have him see a doctor. That way if the doctor says nothing is wrong, then you will know what the problem is.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 18
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:59:57 AM
OP

Since you've not given enough information, who the hell knows BUT him? Have you ASKED him what's wrong? If he's your age it could just be performance anxiety. I'll agree with VS and say that you are young and maybe with time and patience, it will get better. Instead of you two trying to hop on each other and go to town, how about slowing things down sweetness? Take your time, enjoy getting there.




And to those dumb as**es who blather on about heavy women "not getting them hard", you apparently have your preferences about women, and other men have THEIRS. Don't be so damn rude and ignorant. Keep your posts ON TOPIC and realize that she asked for advice on intimacy and not her weight.
 sexy58
Joined: 4/16/2008
Msg: 19
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 8:08:10 AM
It's simple valley girl. He has ED. It happens to a lot of men. A simple trip to your doctor to get viagra or other med. will work great. That used to happen to me till I got smart and forgot about the embarassment . He can start by trying over the counter meds first but they don't work as well. He and you will both be happy if he does. Good luck.
 virgilskid
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 20
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 8:20:27 AM
I'll just say that Replaced, that was harsh. You are definitely not athletic judging from your sad sack picture and a bit of a toad as well. Guys that feel the need to brag about the number of women they have been with have probably:

1) Been with some pretty low self-esteem, bottom dweller women
2) Are lying
3) Suffering from justified feelings of inadequacy

As far as latin men being better in some way, not according to my peruvian girlfriend.
 against all oddz
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 21
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 8:48:21 AM

a very heavy woman does not often induce mr. stiffy to point up into the air
See the problem with this theory is lots of overweight people engage in sex on a regular basis. It may be your personal preference but it's not every man's. Some men think of me as being too thin, too tall, or too shy, where other's opinions vary.
 treetp33
Joined: 6/28/2005
Msg: 22
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why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 9:09:21 AM
Maybe you guys need more fourplay.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
why does my boyfriend go soft during intmacy
Posted: 12/7/2008 9:13:35 AM
He's probably thinking of the stock market...
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