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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?      Home login  
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 lildebbiecakes
Joined: 12/19/2007
Msg: 1
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have a very close relationship with a guy who has never been married. We connect well but have never been anything close to intimate. Hug occasionally, cried together, worship together, engage in deep conversations, get very honest and share very intimate secrets but never held hands walking, never kissed -even a peck.

At one point, I thought there may eventually be more to this relationship but it has never evolved. I think it is due him being hurt in an early relationship at the same time he suffered the loss of a parent and he is afraid to get too close. At one point he joked that he was on the 10 year plan and needed to know someone for 10 years before he would know if he could trust them not to hurt him. He told me about a year into our friendship that he had knocked that down to 5 years.

We get together alone every few weeks to catch up over dinner. We IM off and on during the work week. We hang out in group activities occasionally.

I have mentioned him as a casual friend in conversation when I begin to get involved in a dating relationship but do not know if that is a red flag to a guy or what.
One man I dated could not understand my 'platonic' relationship with this guy. I invited the guy I was dating to go to dinner with me and my friend once and he seemed fine with that. My bf and I were invited to attend a party at my friend's home and went and had a good time but my bf thought my friend was a bit flirty and that I returned the flirts and enjoyed the attention.

GUYS -- here is my question -- is the relationship with my friend going to interfere with my dating life or potential serious relationships? or are guys okay with other platonic relationships? Is it possible to have both?
 smoranean
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 2
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 12:34:54 AM
GUYS -- here is my question -- is the relationship with my friend going to interfere with my dating life or potential serious relationships? or are guys okay with other platonic relationships? Is it possible to have both?


I would hope that such platonic friendships make no difference whatsoever, and to have dinner every now and then as three or more might be almost worth turning out a sitcom that could make you all celebrity millions on tv.
 Metallguru
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 3
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 12:38:26 AM
Of course it is, and here's why.
Your "friend" is not in a relationship with his own SO... There is obviously something about him you do not find loveable enough to date- yet he enjoys your friendship lingering- you enjoy the attention, and the company- and why not.
You two need to book a weekend away at Raunchy Ranch and go for it- suggest it to him- by his reaction you will see where it all really stands.
 crashingchloe
Joined: 9/25/2008
Msg: 4
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 12:41:13 AM
Although you polarized this thread OP, its still worthy of a discussion.

When I read your post, it screamed "I am in love with my best friend"

This happens to both men and women alike. You are walking on a tight rope waiting it out, subconcsiously hoping that the "Someday" will come and your there for him when he is ready. In the meantime your wanting to date as it seems to make the most sense. The problem with this scenario is that no one will ever be what your looking for as long as you have him in your life. Only till you can close your friend off in your heart will you ever truly be able to enjoy a new relationship.

If I am the potential GF lets say and I knew "not hard to figure out" that the guy I was dating was in love with his best friend (of course most can't truly admit to it, actions speak louder than words) I would always be guarded with my heart, restricting me from truly caring for him. Now who is losing in this situation? Everyone !

You need to look inside yourself first and come clean with your feelings toward your best friend. Only then will you have your answer to all your questions

Best of luck

CC
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 5
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 1:23:50 AM
I've always had male friends. Single, married etc and there has never been anything intimate between us, they are friends nothing more. If a man I am dating etc can't deal with it then THEY need to move on.
But, I was never sexually interested or wanted to date my male friends. You seem to be waiting for him to make a decision. The men you are dating will figure that out fairly quickly. My Ex had no issue with my male friends/co-workers because he was always included when we got together and it was obvious to anyone in the room that I was someone's wife and committed to that realtionship.
 Goodewitch
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 6
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 2:02:56 AM
Yes indeed OP, as others have stated, you have it bad for your best freind.
now, I understand that although you may have wanted/do want something to happen with him,.. and you seem content to keep him around, and keep yourself in a sort of limbo,.. you're now doing something potentially very selfish. You want to date others,.. knowing you have feelings for your friend.
Thats hardly fair to any man you date, is it?
They'll never be number one with you, because your best friend already has that spot in your heart,... does'nt he?
Unfair,.. and unjust, OP.
I suggest,.. and look, i know its not easy.. but I suggest you bite the bullet with your best friend,.. ask him if theres a chance that you and he could move your friendship into dating,.. and if he doesnt want to,.. then you date others,... BUT.. you put a lot of space bewtween you and your best friend,.. because OP,.. no man, (or woman either, if the situation was reversed) wants to compete with a best friend who their partner has underlying feelings for.
Stop trying to pretend that this is just freindship, either date him, or get over him, before you date others.
I cannot stress enough, having an opposite sex best friend,.. is always going to cause potential troubles in new relationships.. especially if theres some feelings there that go beyond friendship, as there is in your case.
No one you date deserves to be the consolation prize,.. do they?
G. x
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 7
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 2:21:30 AM
Your last BF sounded like he had a problem with you and your man friend; you two flirted too much with one another for his liking. Ergo, not only will your friendship with this man affect your romantic relationships, it already has.

Secure and confident men will not have an issue with you having male friends, per se; it is to be expected. However, flirting and sharing “very intimate secrets” with someone other than your partner is inappropriate and disrespectful. I would think most men would have an issue with THAT.
 fire_hot_ouch1
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 8
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 3:02:26 AM
My sister did this to her now ex-husband.
Think he ended up follishly listening to the BS if your a secure man you'll be ok with friends.
He was with all but this one guy. The best friend. Who all but my sister could say she was in love with.

My advise, listen to the well put advise here.
 Dempcey
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 9
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 3:13:58 AM
I'm wondering who exactly the OP is trying to fool, us or herself?
It seems clear she has love for her "friend". It seems both of them are playing games. Friend flirting with her and returning the flirting in front of a boyfriend? Are you kidding me?

This isn't a friendship, this is a game to see who can hold out the longest. I have men friends and they would never flirt with me in front of my man, nor would any one of them disrespect my man even if my man was ok with it (flirting).

Yeah "bestfriend" uh huh.
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 10
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:34:27 AM
.

This is an interesting question, especially from an adult woman who has been married:


My bf and I were invited to attend a party at my friend's home and went and had a good time but my bf thought my friend was a bit flirty and that I returned the flirts and enjoyed the attention.

GUYS -- here is my question -- is the relationship with my friend going to interfere with my dating life or potential serious relationships? or are guys okay with other platonic relationships? Is it possible to have both?


My best friend is the most important person in my life. She deserves, and receives all of my attention and is the person I confide in more than anyone else. And yeah, if I feel the need to “talk about” her, I will discusses her with her -- new concept, eh?

So, OP, how do you think you would feel if you were in a budding love relationship and the guy offered to introduce you to another single woman he says is his best friend? I’m sure that would brighten up your day, huh.

If someone told me that, I would simply wish them luck together . . . as I was quietly meandering off into the sunset, never to be heard from again. After all, how many guys do you think you can have a “very close relationship” with at the same time?

Let’s face it, you will find very few serious guys who are into sharing -- and those who say that is acceptable usually have a gal “best friend” or two in the background as an alternate squeeze.

.
 ValentinoScaramanga
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 11
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:48:55 AM
You're in love with your best friend

V
 steveKC
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 12
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:58:17 AM
It sounds like you are open to the possibility of taking the friendship further, so in my opinion it could interfere. We want complete peace of mind when it comes to other men. Personally, I have always had some trust issues with the guy who is just that "special friend."
 GGarbo
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 13
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 5:16:29 AM
I think your question should be, "Posters, how does it affect men I might date if I want to keep the man I 'really' want to date in my life?".

Is it just me or is very rude to flirt with people (or flirt back) with you SO present? It seems incredibly rude and insulting to your SO. There is such a thing as harmless flirting but I don't want my SO to do it when I'm around. It's like if there was a guy at work who looked really handsome one day, we might flirt in a razzing kind of way but there is a dif here and everyone knows your not serious. I STILL wouldn't do it with my SO present.
 bic1258
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 14
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:17:37 AM
It up to the guy you are dating. Now if it was me and you told me right away the type of relationship you have with your friend is only friends and there was nothing else to it, and you did not sneak around or try to hide it I would be fine. JUST LET THEM KNOW ABOUT HIM FIRST.
 YourDogsAllWet
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 15
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 9:14:33 AM
There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, even on a spiritual level like you and your friend. However, you need to be mindful of boundaries once you are in a relationship. By boundaries, I mean you're not being openly flirtatious with him, kissing him on the lips, or anything else that would make your significant other feel uncomfortable.


My ex had several male friends, which shouldn't have been an issue, but she was not mindful of the boundaries to the point that I was not only uncomfortable, but it was downright disrespectful. With that said, I think you can see why she is my ex.
 Rhodes901
Joined: 11/21/2008
Msg: 16
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 12:50:21 PM
Yes it is, Becauce you two are friends and been knowing each other for while were it going to come down to a guy coming in your life were he don't want you two to be friends anymore because of how close you are with him you are going to how to pick one day and you going to pick your friend over the next guy because you you share alot and you like that about him. because of the connect you two have together.
 lildebbiecakes
Joined: 12/19/2007
Msg: 17
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 1:22:38 PM
OK - wow!! Thanks for all of the advice and insight!!
I have a very important decision to make -- when to I confront my friend about our relationship?
It needs to be done to settle this in both of our lives. I have a couple of other guy friends that neither I nor they have ever had any attraction for the other at all and I definitely see the difference.
I am okay either way but need the finality to close the door and go on (giving plenty of space and distancing myself) or to begin to explore the reality of that relationship.

I just got a call from him - he is going to help me work on my interview skills tonight so...good timing???
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 18
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 1:28:26 PM
If you really want to date other people, then I don't see this as a problem, I've always had male friends, too. If a man can't handle it and feels threatened, then he's not the man for me.

I dated a guy who invited all his closest girl friends to his birthday dinner each year. That made 23 women and him for dinner. Some were former girlfriends. But they all knew he was interested in me. I took this as a sign that he does not burn bridges with people whent things don't work out and really knows how to be a friend to a women. I don't want to be with a man who can't respect a me as a friend either, so I'm not attracted to men who do not have women friends. So from my perspective, having a male friend should not preclude you from having a relationship with someone else. But some men don't like it, and for me, that tells me a lot about them.
 RdKgClassic
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 19
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:25:09 PM
I like to believe that I have matured and am not the possessive or jealous type. But I also believe that a relationship with someone of the opposite sex as you describe will only lead to hurt feelings. Sharing intimate secrets, having deep conversations and crying together is best left to friends that are also lovers. It sounds as if you and your friend have everything that you would expect in a romantic relationship minus the romance.

I'm not sure how long you have had this person in your life, but I do understand why you would have invited your BF to dinner with the two of you and the party at his home. You wanted to include your BF to show there was nothing to worry about. However; I can't help it, but I imagine that your familiarity with each other would have made me feel like the 3rd wheel as well.

There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex in the right situation. Your friend does not sound as if he is in any type of GF/BF relationship so there is always going to be a question. Also, and just to be clear with the ladies of the HEAR ME ROAR variety, my Wife had male friends but all were in and out of relationships with others. They included friends of other couples, friends from school, and friends of the family. I also had these types of friends of the opposite sex, but we never had anything close to what is described in this scenario. There are limitations and if a lady that I date can't understand that.... then I'M not the guy for her.

I think you are placing yourself in a terrible situation. What happens if your friend decides to go from the 5-year plan to the now plan. You would not be able to continue with one of the relationships. My advice is that you need to deal with your feelings about him and talk to him about moving forward with someone else. He needs to understand that now is his chance and that if you find someone to share your life with then things may change and there will be limitations. Not because you are being forced to do so, but because that is what you would want to give to your significant other.

You may find a few men that can handle the situation, but from my point of view it is not likely. I'm not speaking for ALL men, there is enough generalization here to begin with, but what you describe will lead to someone getting hurt very bad and you will be forced to make a difficult decision.

Good Luck
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 20
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:31:38 PM

No one you date deserves to be the consolation prize,.. do they?
G. x


I wish more people would understand and apply this to their relationships.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 21
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:42:12 PM
OMG OP .......... read your own post.

You have the HOTS HOTS HOTS for the ......... umm friend.
 LakeCountyGal
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 22
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 5:11:00 PM
There's nothing wrong with having platonic male friends, but I don't think he's into you, the way you're into him. Guys are wired differently, and if he wanted more, he'd make that clear, especially by now. Guys don't "wait around" to let themselves heal. Girls do that. If a guy is into you, in a romantic way, even if he's been hurt in the past, he would have let you know by now.

I think honestly, to him, you're a good friend and he enjoys your company, but I really don't think he's interested in you romantically. He's keeping you around, because he's got nothing else going on with anyone else. You are "convenient". I really wish more women would read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". I know it's saved me years of grief with men I "thought" were interested in me as more, when in reality, they just wanted friendship or a FB and nothing more.

Maybe he is still hurting, maybe he does need time to trust someone new, but why should you put your life on hold waiting around to find out? If you want to know, I'd suggest you finally just talk to him about it point blank. And if you find out he likes you, but doesn't "like" you, then cut your losses and move on. You can keep him as a friend, but don't waste your life pining over something that's not there. Trust me, I've been there. And it's hell.

Save yourself a lot of grief and agony of wondering, and tell him you want an honest answer. Of course, if he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he may not give you an honest answer to keep you hanging around. If that's the case, then you're wasting your time hoping he'll "change" and fall madly in love with you one day. If it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen. Men like a plan, and if he's not making plans with you, then you're not really in his long term plans. You're just a "friend".

Good luck. As someone who's been there myself, this is a hard one, but you need to make a decision, or you'll be miserable over it, and it will keep getting in the way of new people you date, because you're still hung up on him.
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 23
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 5:13:54 PM
Your friend is an unavailable man. He will not get involved with anyone. If you are spending all your time with him, you don't need to worry about other guys wondering about this.... because you have not cleared out time in order to establish a relationship with another man. We only have so much time in the day. You have made yourself time with a man that is unavailable.
 _codyanne_
Joined: 9/24/2008
Msg: 24
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 5:17:47 PM
i was in the exact same situation that you are! my best friend is a guy and he's not in a relationship of his own. we go out together, hang out a lot, etc. i pretty much came to the realization that i wanted more than friendship from him. if you considered it, the chances are that he considered it too. talk to him about it. get things out in the open. either something more will come from it and you could be extremely happy, or you'll just remain good friends and thats always good too. so far a lot of guys i've met are somewhat jealous of my best friend. since 99% of the friends i hang out with on a regular basis are guys, i just had to make sure the guy i set my sights on was comfortable with me having guys friends because we trust each other and also that he was self confident. if trust isnt an issue, then your best friend being a guy shouldnt be an issue.
 Pattyw286
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 25
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My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/8/2008 12:30:33 PM
lil when I read your post I had to comment cause your situation sounds exactly like mine.
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