| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 7:19:50 AM | Talking to a girlfriend today and complaining about my current "guy-friend".
He works 2 jobs and we hardly talk or see each other. I feel that I am doing all the work AGAIN trying to maintain this relationship (if you can call it that).
His focus IS his work! period Not me.
My last relationship only lasted 3 months (actually 2 months too long). I held on longer than I should have. His total focus was his kid (not that someone shouldn't make their child a priority) but he was totally obsessed with his kid. His entire conversation revolved around him, he broke many dates with me because his son wanted him to do something (nothing urgent). I have kids too and love them but I am nothing like him when I am involved with someone I'm dating. He was totally obsessed with being the "perfect dad" to the exlclusion of all else.
Another relationship I had, although he loved me, he was completely obsessed with making money. Very little time for me. His attention was on his constant obsession with money.
Got to thinking.... hmmm. What makes me attract the same kind of guy over and over? My other girl friend attracts "cheaters" all the time. For as long as I've known her she has had problems with guys like this. I have never attracted those type. But this whole "attraction" thing got me thinking today.
Why do you think we attract the same type of guy/girl over and over again? How can we break this pattern? | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 7:26:30 AM |
Why do you think we attract the same type of guy/girl over and over again? How can we break this pattern? Really good questions. But as we don't know you that well, we can't answer it on a personal level. You'll have to ask the only person with the answer, you.
On a general level, the answer is "it's possible". Let me offer a point to ponder:
If you try the same thing 20 times, and get the same results each time, do you think time #21 will honestly be any different? Now, what happens if you do try something different?
Things to make you go... Hmmmmm | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 7:33:54 AM | Because there is something in them, or in their circumstance or perspective that you find attractive.
Sometimes, people who are afraid to get close are attracted to people who are busy in their lives because they have some 'space' and don't feel threatened. It is only later, as one begins to feel more secure, that one wants to move closer and be more intimate... and then the space is the 'problem' that thwarts them and 'causes' the beak up.
Sometimes, people feel validated by 'helping' people - it makes them feel good about themselves. Later, they break up because they have inexplicably had yet another loser attracted to them.
^^ All of that is, of course overly simplistic. Not sure, of course, what it is for you... but likely something along those lines in your own unique flavour. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 7:39:49 AM | | One way you can break that pattern is to use this medium well and contact men that seem to have the characteristics you're looking for. Get out of your comfort zone and break the pattern. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 7:55:33 AM | | Your not really attracting the same type of person so much as you are attracted TO the same type perhaps. As girldiver said reach out a little farther and see what you come up with. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 8:08:41 AM |
Why do you think we attract the same type of guy/girl over and over again?
You need to take a look at yourself, rather than using the excuse that you "attract these kinds of men". The fact is, you ALLOW these kinds of men into your life. Just because someone is attracted to you, doesn't mean that you HAVE to date them. YOU have the power to say no and control the situation, but you choose not to. So, you have to accept responsibility for your own actions. You admit that you knew your last relationship was over after 1 month, yet you chose to continue it for another TWO months - WHY??
Again, you have the question wrong. You need to figure out why you are either attracted to these types of men OR why you don't have the ability to say NO to someone that you know is not right for you.
How can we break this pattern?
Make wiser choices. Don't overlook red flags and DON'T try to force a relationship with someone when you know that it isn't right.
No offense, but IMO, the answers you seek are inward and can't really be answered by anyone else. Well, except for maybe a psychologist or psychiatrist... | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 8:50:24 AM | | All the good advice above is easier said than done. You can't just "stop doing that" when it comes to attraction. I'm the same way, OP--I always choose emotionally unavailable men. I tried some of the advice given here, and went out with a few men who I wasn't particularly attracted to just to try to see how it would go. It didn't go anywhere. I'm not sure how one is supposed to flip the switch. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 9:07:10 AM | short answer, op, is because you and/or your friend have got unresolved issues... which lead to habitual subconscious thought patterns and drives.... which lead to habitual conscious decisions.... which lead to SS/DD and it's deja vu all over again.
you break the pattern by first recognizing that you're the one with the issues, then identifying what/why your issues are, and then resolving them. depending on the nature and severity of the problem, this is not necessarily a do-it-yourself project.
for example, it's almost routine that women who are involved in an abusive relationship and who leave that relationship, will either get into a new abusive relationship with somebody else, or they will eventually go back to the same guy. this is because they have very deep seated self-esteem issues, and until they address that and actually get some self-esteem, the pattern will continue. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 12/8/2008 9:11:07 AM | ^^ agree with the above poster (sabre)..
Another relationship I had, although he loved me, he was completely obsessed with making money. Very little time for me. His attention was on his constant obsession with money.
Got to thinking.... hmmm. What makes me attract the same kind of guy over and over? My other girl friend attracts "cheaters" all the time. For as long as I've known her she has had problems with guys like this. I have never attracted those type. But this whole "attraction" thing got me thinking today.
Why do you think we attract the same type of guy/girl over and over again? How can we break this pattern?
in my (non-expert) opinion, you WANT guys that are somewhat distant, emotionally unavailable, etc. because you're not 'sure' you really want to be in a 'relationship' at all..by having a distant guy you can sort of have the 'best of both worlds'..relationship/non-relationship..
sort of like all the women who 'fall in love" with guys sentenced to life in prison..that way they can 'be in love' but never have to deal with all those pesky 'relationship issues'..
and maybe your girlfriend is into 'cheater' types because she has low self-esteem, and/or is 'addicted' to DRAMA..many women seem to be..they prefer the screaming scenes, to being more or less 'ignored' ..
DRAMA is exciting; it makes real life more like the soaps.. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:06:47 PM | Its called the Law of Attraction otherwise known as the Theory of Relativity........
No you can;'t break this pattern ,I have tried myself and am vey aware of it at all times,
what you can do is recognise it and be aware and don;t get caught up in it, keep moving,
Its only an instant attraction and you can actually use your head to ignore it ........ | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:18:23 PM | | Maybe your profile should be a bit more direct. Does your profile state exactly what you're looking for, if you write you're looking for a man who has the time for a relationship, who can make the time to spend time together. Maybe you're not screening them during the first phone call or email? | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:31:51 PM | | What we fear we attract....OP because you're so obsessed with meeting a guy that will give you MORE whether it be more time, more love, more sex, etc etc...your mind frame is in the LACK mode therefore you will attract just that, a lack of .............. feel in the gap. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:47:22 PM |
Why do you think we attract the same type of guy/girl over and over again? How can we break this pattern?
Complete balderdash.
There "is" no pattern, umless you've got serious issues... | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:48:42 PM | Because we are broken!  You break the pattern by choosing not to engage with the types that frustrate you. When you find out that your not compatible then you need to ended it sooner rather then later ("held on two months to long"). This is how you break your patterns in my opinion.  | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:58:59 PM | Your radar is rusty and stuck in the same mode, maybe you need to spit on its bearings so it works better...so you can make some changes to improve your current situation.  | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/21/2009 11:48:24 AM | This is an older thread, but still a good question.
The biggest lesson I've learned with dating, is we attract our same level of disfunction or "sickness". In other words, if you want to attract something different, that means you need to change you. There's still something "wrong" in you if you keep attracting the same types.
I tend to attract addictive types of personalities. Or needy types. I've had to learn that I need to change me, to stop attracting that type. Otherwise, the cycle never ends. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 6/21/2009 11:59:04 AM | | The answere is YOU. you want to attracted a different "type" of man then change what YOU DO. Its like trying to put a round peg in a square hold......you keep trying but it isnt working...... wow ..... try a different hole. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:58:50 AM | We humans like to feel comfortable in our spare time. Hanging out with people who make you feel comfortable about yourself (they believe in what you believe, they achieve as much as you do, aren't smarter or noticeably dumber, etc), is something we do naturally to achieve that.
So, we attract a variety of people, w/ hot people getting better options  But we still "choose" who we are comfortable around, and those are the people we notice are attracted to us...b/c we're looking for it.
So, if you know this, and look for experiences rather than people, you may find...you get different types in your life. As the last poster said, too, going to the same places, where people like you are attracted to, helps you find people like you. You get a group closer to your interests, from which you'll choose a better fit...or just someone hot enough to make you ignore that. But, if you go that way b/c you're superficial, guess what? You found the "same" person "again". | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:05:25 AM | I would never even begin to get involved with someone whose entire focus was on work or his kid. It wouldn't get off the ground with me.
I attract the same type of guys over and over and get into relationships with guys who pretend to love me and at some point find out that they have one or more other love interests they have been hiding from me. This is while they are telling me they love me.
I cannot see how I am to blame somehow for this phenomenon. I would do something different if I knew what to do. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:21:58 AM | When you meet these men do you give yourself ant time to get to know them first?
How fast do you find out that these men are workaholics?
Next time before you get into one of "these kind of "relationships ask yourself-"how do I fit into his life".It is really up to you what you are willing to put up with.good luck. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:39:47 AM | The Laws of Attraction.
We get exactly what we focus on most in life - positive or negative. Even by thinking / saying "I don't want this, that or the other," we are focusing on "this that or the other" and that is exactly what we will keep attracting until we break the cycle.
Try focusing on exactly what you do want out of a relationship (or anything else), and think and act as though it is already happening in your life. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:04:18 AM | | I don't agree with some of the comments regarding we attract who we are. I am a college educated professional woman, and rarely attract college educated professional men. My experience has been that the college educated professional men go for the women who are prettier than me as a rule (I am seen as an average looking woman to most of the men I have dated), but then maybe it is a godsend since appearance is not the most important thing to me about a man, and if he is hung up on looks he is usually not for me anyway. I like intelligent men, however to me intelligence is not based on the amount of education one has, and the older I have gotten the less important a man's formal education has become to me. I have found that since I have not been married, have no children and am short, plump and average looking with short brown hair, that many seem to think that I should settle for anyone that pays attention to me, as I am unmarketable since I am not the norm for women my age---divorced with children, of average height or taller, long hair, pretty face ( with or without plastic surgery, thin(with or without plastic surgery). If I did not have good self esteem I would have given up trying to date years ago, as so many people do not get to know someone who might be different from the norm who marches to the beat of a different drummer. | |
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| Why do We Keep Attracting the Same Kind of Person?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:09:52 AM | His total focus was his kid, he was totally obsessed with his kid. he broke or cut short many dates with me because his son wanted him to do something (nothing urgent). He was totally obsessed with being the "perfect dad" to the exlclusion of all else.
I think I just dated this guy myself! | |
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