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 stephanied
Joined: 11/8/2008
Msg: 1
phone sex before meeting in personPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Been talking to someone for a month, we get along great, have alot in common, will be meeting soon, but have already had phone sex and talk about it alot through IM and email and texts. Sex is not all I am interested in with him and how do I tell if he feels the same?
 Kirota
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 2
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/8/2008 10:00:41 PM
Just be honest and ask him? Let your feelings be known.............don't wait until you meet and have sex and then be upset because he doesn't call you back. You need to talk about this before the meeting.

Best of luck.
 tiffanympm
Joined: 9/5/2008
Msg: 3
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/8/2008 10:02:53 PM
Have a conversation with him.

Don't talk about sex. If he jumps into that lake... steer the conversation in a different direction. If his tone or his speach changes.. then you know.

If he was only interested in a booty call... he wouldn't remain on the phone for a long "sweet" story about how you got your fist puppy and the puddle he made on the floor.
 amigoamante
Joined: 3/11/2004
Msg: 4
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 3:40:00 AM
Well... based on past experience... when sex is a major/hot topic in the conversation prior to the first meeting... it usually means that the parties are interested in a "great first date" assuming chemistry and ending up doing the horizontal dance.

If this is OK with you, proceed, have fun. If this is making you feel uncomfortable, it's probably a good idea to back off, and decide: Do you want to live out this fantasy, or do you want to get to know the other person better?

Only you can determine what's right for you.
 sdbysassygal
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 5
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 3:40:14 AM
The other posters are right.. all you can do at this point is ask him and try to gauge his response to see if you believe the answer he gives you. Once you let things get carried away, it's really hard to backtrack and you may find that that's all he can or wants to concentrate on... Best of luck to you OP.
 fritzle
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 6
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 3:50:08 AM
The thing of it is if you've already "went there", how do you go backwards so to speak. Once you've done the deed its not like you can go back to holding hands and be cool with that. So you've started the relationship with phone sex, to me this makes it seem that's all you both want. Too much too soon in my opinion. I hate it when guys start talking that way before they've even met me let alone before they know me well enough to go there. It's not that I'm prude, but I'm not a kid, I'm a lady and I expect and demand to be treated like one unless we're in the bedroom and then all bets are off! LOL!. I love a dirty joke just as much as anyone, but if you're having IM sex/cybersex then don't expect dates to be any more than sex. Just my thoughts, though, what do I know?

Also, how do you know you get along great? You havn't even met yet! I hate to tell you this but I have a feeling you aren't going to be meeting either. Good luck and keep up the thread, I want to know what happens and hope you prove me wrong! LOL!
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 7
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 4:02:13 AM
Talking about sex is one thing-having sex is another. If all the conversations seem to go in the direction of sex I'd guess that's all the other party or you might be interested in. I mean discussing your likes and dislikes would be normal at some point, but what if the man in question is only interested in phone sex? Not only that, but it can build up both your expectations to have a hot sexual interlude, but what if that doesn't happen?

My mom always tells me 'don't go putting the cart before the horse' and she's right. It's one thing if I've been with someone intimately FIRST---so naturally a hot chat would make sense, but if that's all that two people share in dicussion would lend me to believe that's all either party can hope for. If you want more than sex tell the guy-he's either going to continue talking to you or become the proverbial online ghost.


Good luck.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 8
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 4:35:48 AM
Stephanied

You had phone and IM sex right? Guess what this guy thinks will be happening if not when you first meet but soon after? If you weren't interested in sex with him at all (per your words), why would you participate in a sexual activity that would lead the other party to think you were?

You can't tell if he feels the same. You need to tell him the truth. And realize that if he doesn't want to meet it's because he feels that you lead him on. You cannot have it both ways! If you're not interested in sleeping with the guy right off the bat, then you should have put an end to the phone sex right when he started talking about it.

It's called being a tease. I'm speaking from a guy's POV. My male friends would say "if she's not giving it up, why are we talking about it?"

So...if you're not gonna, why did you go down that road?
 Evan M.
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 9
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 4:42:00 AM
Definitely check with him about if he does have other intentinos other than just going to the physical level after online and phone.

Some guys can get so wrapped up in the idea that they're going to hook up with someone they forget they have to show other thoughts/emotions as well so they make sure you realize its just not about that.

Hopefully he will come across as someone you can trust isn't just after a physical thing.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 10
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 4:58:52 AM
Ask him. In no uncertain terms let him know that you have enjoyed what has transpired between the two of you... and that you are hoping those good feelings will be there once you meet face to face. Participating in those activities does not mean that you are going to hike your skirt up instantly.

Hopefully he's gentlemanly enough to realise this too.

It all boils down to communication.
 Summer_Baby
Joined: 8/15/2008
Msg: 11
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 5:14:44 AM
I note from your profile you are looking for a long term relationship. Don't be surprised if this relationship isn't the one you will have for life. It will be a fling, and when you chat to someone online whom you think may have long-term potential don't be so eager as who wants a partner for life who is going to frig themselves with one hand and hold a phone with the other.
Just my humble opinion!
 spalding22
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 12
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 5:51:34 AM
well he mite just be after sex i never do that to i am with some stop it proves he is just after sex if he was not he would not go on about it
 loumoos
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 13
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 6:40:47 AM
Just sex, is all he wants..Why are people so blind sometimes!!

Don't want to be seen as a sex object, don't do the phone sex or IM sex thing..

Playful banter is one thing, induendos etc..but draw a line..


Dearie me!!:P
 un deny able
Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 14
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 6:47:04 AM
Well, phone sex boils down to mutual masterbation. A sexual moment that has already shared. I'd say if you meet him now to expect he is going to want to have sex. You have already shared intimate moments. You will be sending him mixed signals unless you talk to him and let him know that you aren't ready for a truely physical encounter.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 15
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 6:55:05 AM
Even if u have the talk now....you have already laid the path to a sexual relationship.
Be prepared for it to go either way.
Doesn't always mean that is all he wants.....some great relationships have come from a couple having sex on the first date....
But doesn't mean he'll stick around after he gets a piece either.
Time will tell!
 Lady_Samurai
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 16
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 7:04:01 AM
Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie...

If you are looking for a longterm relationship, having phone sex with a guy you haven't even met is not the way to get what you want. This guy is going to expect that you will be eager to jump into bed with him. Why? Because in a sense, you already have.

Also, as one BBW to another... We have to be even more careful about not letting men think we are 'easy'. Why? Because there is a myth perpetuated that BBWs are so 'desperate' for a man that they are easy to get into bed.

Consider this a lesson learned. NO phone sex or intimate conversation before meeting. I guarantee you, if you do meet this guy in person, he will be expecting sex on the first date.

LS
 texastomich
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 17
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 7:31:41 AM
If you can have a real conversation besides phone sex then I think its ok...just need a good mix
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 18
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 7:35:43 AM
OP you've opened the door for him to view you only as a sex partner! Don't be upset if he thinks he will be getting banged on your first meeting - as well as becoming angry if you don't! The only way you will be able to tell if he is thinking there is more there - you simply have to be up front and ask him! I mean you have talked about way more than others would anyways - it shouldn't be hard to ask!
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 7:39:19 AM
The gist of this situation falls where expectations, fantasy and reality all collide.

With your sexual explorations to date you have created both expectation/anticipation and fantasy. You have connected on a sexual level. However, how you have to throw in a healthy dose of reality. Everyone has experienced or read about two people that have had an amazing connection via email, pm and the phone only to find that the same connection did not exist in person.

Unlike some of the previous responders I would not be so quick to attribute the potential demise of this "relationship" on your premeeting sexual activities. There are far too many other factors that could contribute to things not working out. The reality is that most attempted relationships fail. So to attribute it purely to sexual activities would be only one of many contributing factors.

Additionally, I don't think it is possible for anyone to say that this man only wants sex. Of course he is going along with this activity. But, we need to remember that she is 50% of the exchange going on. Would anyone here even begin to suggest that SHE is only out for sex? I doubt it.

On a go forward basis I would suggest that you engage in nonsexual conversations only at times. Just to provide that check and balance and to make sure that you explore other aspects of the connection and budding relationship.
 motley_maiden
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 20
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 7:40:23 AM
Why dont you just talk about other stuff then? Its not difficult to have a laugh and get to know someone by just talking about normal stuff. Theres nothing wrong with a bit of saucy talk, but my feeling is thats you may have led him on a bit and now you're getting nervous!

So I would just say just talk about something else for a while, and not jump into sex talk so quickly. Or, just be honest and up front and say you rather like him and you're not thinking about sex as the be all and end all, and certainly not on a first date etc
 phishkev
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 21
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phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 7:43:16 AM
Be careful-I've had "cyber-sex" before meeting ( and was suspicious of that, but-hey...) and was horribly let down and "dissed" when meeting in person. When's the last time you were shot down as being thinner than your profile or younger looking? Huh?! WTF!?
 BamaInArk
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 22
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 7:50:53 AM
Honestly I don't think you'd get a honest answer from this guy. Either because he doesn't know himself or he really does but doesn't want to blow it with you. I will point out that one has to assume that if you had phone sex you were both responsible for inputs. Who made the first sexual innuendo? Once it starts if one or the other doesn't change the subject it's bound to continue.

I'm a little surprised at some of the responses. It's seems many are about him and how guys are the instigators, etc. That's not always the case. I met a lady almost a year ago. After a few messages through the dating site we met on we moved to a messenger program. Several hours of IMs and the next thing you know were were having phone sex. First time we chatted. Later on she said she had never done that before. The next day she was so surprised at herself she went and reread the archived IMs we had exchanged. She admitted she had been the one to instigate the sexual chat between us. I had tried several times to steer the conversation away the sex chat but she would bring it back up. So it's not always the guy who does this. But hey I'm a willing participant! lol

Oh and after dating this lady for three months she finally decided to inform me she wasn't divorced yet! DUH!
 blonde chickie
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 23
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 8:11:45 AM
Phone sex and cyber sex, there really is no difference, but it is a BIG difference when meeting someone for just sex, it's nothing like the phone or puter. I had both phone sex and cyber sex many times, and then when it came to meeting them for sex, some of them was a let down. Just don't be surprised when you meet him.
 stephanied
Joined: 11/8/2008
Msg: 24
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 8:39:44 AM
Hi afashionlady my words were i'm not interested in JUST sex meaning i am interested in sex but also him as a person. not a tease at all, very interested in all of him! simply wanted to know it there was a way to tell if he feels the same.
 stephanied
Joined: 11/8/2008
Msg: 25
phone sex before meeting in person
Posted: 12/9/2008 8:41:51 AM
thank you! that makes sense. i do feel like i can trust him but i won't know anything until we meet. we all agree on that! thanks for your post.
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